Sunday, December 6, 2009

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 47

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Two days after Vikings star RB Adrian Peterson was pulled over for going 109 in a 55, teammate Bernard Berrian was stopped and ticketed for doing 104 in a 60. Say whatever you want about the Vikes but that's great team speed right there. No truth to the rumor Brett Favre was also pulled over but he was doing 35 in a 60 while weaving from lane to lane with his turn signal on.

The 2010 World Cup draw was announced this week and we got ourselves a 1776 rematch in Group C. It's Redcoats vs Bluecoats all over again. Cornwallis vs Washington. Chips against Fries. Colour vs Color. Beatles and Elvis. Mirren-Streep. Left lane-Right lane.
£ vs $. "God Save The Queen" up against "My Country, 'Tis of Thee". Beckham-Donovan. Crown against Colonies. Brits against Yanks. Bring it, England.

Bath time is a special time between you and your newborn. When the two of you are bonding, there's no room for tears. That's why Johnson's together with the NCAA and the Florida Gators are pleased to announce ... Tim Tebow's No More Tears baby shampoo. Just wet your little quarterback's hair and gently apply a small dab of shampoo. Lather, rinse and enjoy this special moment together. Keep out of reach of children. Do not use if BCS title hopes are broken.

And speaking of tears, Allen Iverson got a little verklempt at a presser announcing his return to the Sixers last week. Which is odd cause most players shed happy tears when they finally get out of Philadelphia, not back to it. Meanwhile, in other Association news, Ron Artest admitted he used to take sips of Hennessey at halftime when he was with Chicago ... Hey, at least he drank the good stuff ... And commish David Stern said he could envision a woman playing in the NBA before long. So there you have it ... Wine, women and a (redemption) song.

One of these years, the NFL is really gonna hafta get over Janet Jackson's infamous boob flash and get back to scheduling relevant acts for Super Bowl halftime shows. Look, I love The Who. They were *the* party band of my college years. But that was 30 years ago and now they're just Roger Daltrey and Pete Townshend with a backup band. Hell, I'm worried Pete's gonna throw his shoulder out any time he tries his patented windmill move. Clearly, the league doesn't wanna take any more chances but somebody needs to hack into Roger Goodell's iTunes and download him some new bands. Preferably those who aren't collecting Social Security yet.

See ya next time.
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Thursday, December 3, 2009

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 46

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Hey, Tiger, how was your Thanksgiving? Yeah, I know, saw it on the tube. We all did. So have you picked out the Kobe Special you're gonna give to Elin? If you don't remember, Kobe gave Vanessa an 8-karat purple stone worth a cool $4 mill after his little Colorado misadventure a few years back. When a golfer shoots a double bogey "8" on a par 4 hole, that's a snowman, right? Yeah, I'm thinking Elin won't mind a little Frosty The Snowman riding high on her ring finger. Lucky for you, you're just in time for the Christmas shopping season. Ho-ho-ho.

As for Tiger Cheetah Woods himself, what's really surprising is why he felt the need to go off the reservation when the reservation is a blond Swedish nanny. Seriously, as a lifelong, card-carrying member of the knuckle-dragging, open-mouthed male gender, I can categorically state that the words "blond", "Swedish" and "nanny" are pretty much the Kentucky Derby, Preakness and Belmont. I'm sorry but whatever else he might've had going on ... the Santa Anita Derby, Travers and Haskell ... They're just not in the same league. Let's just hope he wasn't entered in the Breeder's Cup.

Buh-bye, Charlie Weis. See ya, Al Groh. Adios muchachos, Mark Mangino. But of all the college football coaches who are now no longer college football coaches, I think I'll miss you most of all, Diddy. Yeah, the ol' college game just won't be the same without ol' Bobby Bowden. It's been several years since his Florida State Seminoles were the holy terrors of the sport. And it's also been several years since his players were the holy terrors of the Tallahassee police station. Coincidence? I dunno but I do know this ... Nobody had a better WTF face than Diddy when his kickers went wide right.

Going out on a limb here but I don't think the New Jersey Nets, a blemished 0-17 to start the season, are gonna make the NBA playoffs. Call it a hunch.

Next time you need an example of business "synergy", that is, the interaction of different business operations whose combined effect is greater than the sum of those businesses by themselves, just consider Magic Johnson's thriving empire. Magic has long been an astute businessman but now he's bordering on just pure genius. That's because his Magic Johnson Enterprises owns well over a hundred Starbucks ... and ... about a dozen 24 Hour Fitness gyms. That's how it's done, folks. First you fatten 'em up and then you slim 'em down. Lather, rinse, repeat.

See ya next time.

(h/t to reader Dan'l Medvid for "Cheetah")
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Wednesday, November 25, 2009

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 45

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

All right, I'll admit it, I have no idea who Manny Pacquiao is. Hell, I had never heard of Miguel Cotto either. It would seem though that Mr Pacquiao picked a bad time to be born because the good old days of boxing are just that. We used to be on a last name-only basis with the best fighters ... Ali, Frazier, Foreman, Leonard, Duran, Hagler, Hearns and so on. And then I guess around Mike Tyson's time, we switched back to first and last names ... Evander Holyfield, Lennox Lewis, Oscar de la Hoya ... I mean, even Foreman was George Foreman when he made his grill-selling comeback. We need last name boxers again. And ones that don't require spell check would be nice too.

Did you see the handball that French football star Thierry Henry used to rob hose bone beat Ireland in last week's World Cup qualifier? Wow, now we know where the baseball umps get their training. Anyway, Henry's bogus play is now being called "Hand of God II" ... Note: In French, that would be "Le Hand of God II" ... in reference to Diego Maradona's legendary original handjob that led Argentina over England in the 86 World Cup. You know, you gotta hand it (groan) to soccer for coming up with much better names for their all-time plays. No one ever lays down the Bunt of Doom or shoots the Free Throw of Agony or scores on the 65 Toss Power Trap of Peril. And maybe they should.

According to SI's most recent "Sign of the Apocalypse" note, a Japanese lingerie company is selling a new bra that unrolls to form a 5-foot putting mat. Personally, I prefer the 6-foot model although any length is fine provided it's got good cup size. No truth to the rumor though that Kevin Costner is now in talks with the company to reprise his Roy McAvoy role in a sequel called ... wait for it ... "Tin Cups".


I'm probably gonna regret this but of all the so-called minor sports, nothing in my opinion is more pointless than women's college basketball. All college sports have their own self-fulfilling recruiting imbalances ... The best football players always choose one of the big heavies like Florida, Texas, Southern Cal, Ohio State and so on. Likewise, the best lacrosse players go to Hopkins, Syracuse, Virginia and a few others. But if you're on a chick hoops team other than UConn or maybe Tennessee, you might as well be on the Washington Generals. And you better get used to hearing "Sweet Georgia Brown" play while you're at it.

Rest in peace, Abe Pollin.

See ya next time.
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Saturday, November 14, 2009

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 44

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Last Sunday, as the Saints offense started to get rolling in the second half against my Panthers, former Ravens bossman Brian Billick, who was doing the color commentary, said ... "Now we're finally going to see New Orleans show us
The Full Monty". Unquote. And I thought to myself ... Um, he either saw a completely different movie or I'm about to change this channel real quick.

Got an e-mail from Amazon this morning. It read ... We've noticed that customers who have purchased 2008 Philadelphia Phillies: The Official World Series Film have also purchased 2009 World Series Highlights on DVD. You can now pre-order yours at a savings of $5.00 off by following the link below ... click on Reply ... Dear Amazon, we've noticed that customers who have purchased stuff from Amazon have also purchased stuff from Borders and Barnes & Noble. You can now pre-bite me at a savings of $5.00 off by following the link below.


I have a theory about Bengals WR Chad "Ya Doesn't Have To Call Me Johnson" Ochocinco. I think the NFL secretly loves his antics and can't wait to see what he does next. Chad's latest stunt took place last week against Baltimore when he offered a $1 bill to a ref during a replay challenge. On Friday, he was fined $20,000 for attempting to "bribe" the official but I still think the league doesn't mind all that much. I mean, 20 large buys a lotta coffee packs, juice bottles and microwave popcorn back at Park Avenue headquarters.

Does anyone know why Raiders coach Tom Cable still has a job? I mean, first he broke an assistant coach's jaw during a training camp spat. Then he was accused by not one but two women, his first wife and a former girlfriend, of physical abuse which delighted the ladies at NOW, the National Organization for Women, so much they want Cable suspended right NOW. Meanwhile, he's 2-6 this year and 6-14 overall. QB JaMarcus Russell is a massive bust, the other players are either playing poorly or bitching about not playing poorly and the only one having a great season is the punter. And yet, Tom Cable is still not collecting unemployment. Must be nice.

Uh-oh, Cleveland, this is not good. The Cavs' ubersuperdupermegastar LeBron James says he'll switch from wearing No. 23 to No. 6 next season as a tribute to Michael Jordan. Ah, but what James doesn't say is exactly whose No. 6 he'll be wearing. LBJ is eligible for unrestricted free agency next summer and desperate teams (Hi, Knicks!) have been clearing huge swathes of cap space just for him. So next year, either every kid in Cleveland will be bugging mom for a new Cavaliers "JAMES 6" jersey or every kid in some other NBA city will be. Enjoy the rest of the year, Cleveland.

See ya next time.
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Wednesday, November 11, 2009

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 43

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Hats off to the New York Yankees for their ... What was it? Oh yeah ... their 27th World Series title. They deserved it. They beat my beloved Phillies fair and square. I just have one small little gripe though. I really don't mind the whole $ thing. The Yankees have more coin than God and they spend it. Good for them. But please, can we stop with all the drama about their guts and glory and overcoming adversity and nobody believed in us and such? There are no Rudy's in the New York dugout. When you're supposed to win a world champeenship, it's just a job well done. Well done.

Speaking of Rudy, let's do a little comparison shopping, shall we? Notre Dame, Stanford and Northwestern are all prestigious private schools with superb academic reputations and long lists of successful alumni. Notre Dame, however, is the only one of the three with a historic and legendary, nationally-followed, Hollywood-adored football program. So will the school that beat a Top 10 team last weekend while not honking at home to a service academy, please take one step forward ... All right, Stanford ... Okay, Northwestern ... Wait, not so fast there, Irish.

Final score ... Twitter 1, Larry Johnson 0.

Did you see where San Antonio guard Manu Ginobili swatted a stray bat out of the air during the Spurs' Halloween home game? As the other players scattered, the little fellow flew around the court until Manu snagged him and carried him away. Of course, no good deed goes unpunished cause the Argentine star now has to get rabies shots to make sure he's okay. No truth to the rumor Ginobili also lives in a stately manor and drives an illegal but seriously cool, rocket-powered car while keeping a fictitious city safe from a cackling maniac in bad makeup using nothing more than a beltful of wonderful toys.

NFL Week 9 notes ... The Bengals look like they're maybe kinda sorta for real while Duh Bears most definitely do not. The Jints are in a serious swoon while the Titans are out of theirs courtesy of putting Kerry Collins back in mothballs in favor of Vince "I'll Try Not To Pout This Time" Young. Meanwhile, them Saints keep finding interesting ways to win and the Iggles keep finding interesting ways not to. The Dead$kins are truly awful and that oughta keep the deliciously sour quotes from perturbed ex-Skin John Riggins still coming. And finally, the Bucs ended their long winless streak after reverting to their old comical Bucco Bruce creamsicle unis. Nicely done, Bucs, and let me say this ... You looked *fabulous*.

See ya next time.
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Saturday, October 31, 2009

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 42

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Boy, it sure was quiet at times in new Yankee Stadium during the World Series this week. You'd think by now owners would've figured out that higher ticket prices mean lower decibels. Also, I really don't understand why they ditched the old Yankee Stadium, the self-proclaimed "Cathedral of Baseball". I mean, you'll never hear the Pope say the Vatican needs a spiffy new St Peter's with club seats and valet parking, right? Seems like that $1.2 billion coulda gone a long way toward sprucing up the old church. Not to mention keeping Yankee fans in full-throated roar.


Hello, you have reached Gary Bettman, commissioner of the NHL. I'm sorry but I can't come to the phone right now. Press 1 if you'd like to pretty please buy the Phoenix Coyotes. Press 2 if you'd like to broadcast our games and your cable channel isn't up there like at 206 or something. Press 3 if you still don't understand the icing rule. And if you're Wayne Gretzky, just leave a message at the beep and I'll get back to you whenever I come up with a good reason why we don't want you anymore. Because clearly all my business decisions have been perfect and I just don't need the game's greatest scorer and one of its most decorated stars of all time involved in the sport. Beep.

Wow, what are the odds that the cast of a hit show on FOX like Glee would sing the national anthem before a World Series game on FOX? Probably about the same as the baseball umpires blowing still more crucial calls. Boy, are they having a tough time of it this post-season. As it is, disgraced ex-NBA ref Tim Donaghy is probably sitting there in his jail cell wondering why he didn't like baseball more.

Excerpts from retired tennis star Andre Agassi's new autobiography were released this week and in it Andre admits he likes warm milk and cookies before bedtime, listens to Pat Boone records and that 15 minutes can indeed save you 15% or more on your car insurance. Nah, what Andre really said is his father was a royal pain in the racket, his classic early-90's puffy mullet was actually a hairpiece and he lied his way out of a failed crystal meth drug test. Wait, what? A fake mullet? Oh no, say it ain't so, Andre.

See ya next time.
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Thursday, October 29, 2009

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 41

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

It takes a very special organization, one almost totally devoid of football talent and imagination, to make Terrell Owens irrelevant to all but the most desperate fantasy owners. Ladies and gentlemen, your Buffalo Bills. Golf clap.

Philadelphia police on Tuesday arrested Susan Finkelstein, 43, a devoted Phillies fan in way more ways than one, on prostitution charges for offering her, um, "services" on Craigslist in exchange for coveted World Series tickets. She was nabbed after describing her "offer" in detail to the undercover officer who answered the ad. Susan, Susan, Susan, you got it all wrong, girl. First you get the tickets ... Then you negotiate the price. Priorities, my dear, priorities.


Speaking of naughtiness, what in the worldwide leader of sports is going on at ESPN? Former Met GM Steve Phillips lost his baseball analyst gig this week after a 22-year-old production assistant he'd had a fling with went all Glenn Close on him. Don't worry, no bunnies got boiled. Just a routine stalking. Also in the last few years, Rich Eisen, Sean Salisbury and Harold Reynolds each got tangled up in various and sundry steamy scandals. Hell, at the rate they're getting some in Bristol, I wouldn't be surprised if www.espnxxx.com will be up and running soon.

Hey, is a Bronx Cheer redundant if it's in The Bronx?

Whoever came up with the idea of sending New England over to England is a genius on two levels. One, thank you for putting the Patriots
on a plane and getting them out of the country for a week. Let Fleet Street slobber all over Tom Brady for a change and give us all a much-needed break. But more importantly, I can't think of a better "away" team to send back to Merry Old than the Pats. You know, just to remind them ... again ... who won that little intrasquad scrimmage back in 1776. Hopefully somewhere, wherever he is, King George III is muttering to himself ... Sod it all, I should have sent more redcoats over there and taught those cheeky colonies some proper manners.

Dear Charlie Manuel, I like your decision to start Pedro Martinez in Game 2 of the World Series at Yankee Stadium. Just one small piece of advice though ... Don't leave him in too long. Your friend, Grady Little.

One last nudge nudge wink wink item ... Some of the Tampa Bay Lightning players admitted this week they sometimes play a game after practice they call "naked shootout". Yep, that's right, the players take turns trying to make penalty shots and if you miss, you hafta lose a piece of practice gear until you make one. Apparently one day recently, Martin St Louis lost his jersey, arm pads, leg pads, leggings and even his skates before he finally put a biscuit in the basket. You know, there might be a few sports that could work if played in the buff. I mean, the ancient Greeks were masters of that idea. But ice hockey is definitely not one of them. Hell, I don't even want to think about 2:00 minutes for slashing. No, thank you.

See ya next time.


Footnote: She is going to get her World Series tickets after all. A local Philadelphia radio station says they've invited Susan Finkelstein to go on air where they'll present her with tickets ... and with no strings attached either. Wait, what? You mean it worked? Hard to believe, Harry.
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Wednesday, October 21, 2009

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 40

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

With just half a mile to go in Sunday's Des Moines Marathon, Simon Sawe had a comfortable 10-second lead over fellow Kenyan David Tuwei. And then he didn't. And then the third-place runner caught up too ... All thanks to an Iowa freight train that apparently didn't get the memo. Good news is Sawe still won the race with a sprint to the finish once the train had passed. Bad news is nobody bothered to tell the runners this was just a ... wait for it ... training exercise. Ooh, rim shot!

The New Jersey Nets are offering a fun new promotion this NBA season called "Your Ticket To A Player". For just a mere $25,000, you get four courtside seats, free food and drinks plus parking for 10 home games. But that's not all ... You also get one (1) hour with the Nets player of your choice. He can come to your birthday party or an office social or even your kid's Bar Mitzvah, whatever you want. Me personally, I got some ceiling fans I need dusted plus some light bulbs to change.

In other hoops news, looks like the Detroit Shock are moving to Tulsa. Fine, whatever. But take a close look at the AP news item where this story first broke ...

The WNBA's Detroit Shock are moving to Tulsa, OK, a team official told The Associated Press. The official spoke on the condition of anonymity Monday because he was not authorized to make the announcement ...

What the hell does that mean? If you're not authorized to make the announcement, then why are you making the announcement? You see this all the time and nobody ever seems to suffer for it. You never hear later on that Team So-and-So fired Joe Schmoe because Joe leaked something he shouldn't have. And why all the secrecy? I mean, it's the WNBA where "We Got Next" apparently now applies to cities, not just games. Look, the Shock is either moving to Tulsa or it's not. When did chick hoops become a spy novel?

In a Week 16 game last year, Tennessee beat Pittsburgh to run their record to an NFL best 13-2. After the game though, several Titans celebrated by stomping on a Steeler Terrible Towel. They haven't won since and that includes last week's humiliating 59-0 skunkjob by the Patriots. In 2005, the Bengals did likewise and they tanked too. So is there a Curse of the Towel going on here? I dunno but I propose a rigorous scientific experiment ... First, rip up all the carpet in the visitor's locker room. Same goes for the walkway leading to Heinz Field. And then pull up all the turf on the opponent's sideline too. And then replace everything with towels. Hundreds and hundreds of Terrible Towels. Towels everywhere. And then let's see what happens.

Check this 12-year-old kid out. The dream of a lifetime ...

View more news videos at: http://www.nbcphiladelphia.com/video.



See ya next time.
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Sunday, October 18, 2009

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 39

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

A 70-year-old golfer recently lost his arm when he reached into a pond for his ball at a Beaufort, SC golf course and a 10-foot alligator attacked him. No truth to the rumor the one-armed duffer will now mentor an SNL comedian in a Bruins jersey who uses an unorthodox hockey slapshot off the tee but gets his ass kicked by an octogenarian game show host. Of course, if that doesn't work out, he could always captain an imaginary pirate ship against a motley gang of displaced orphan boys.

This is the second year in a row the Dodgers and my beloved Phillies have met in the NLCS. They also met back in 1977 and 78. Larry Bowa played shortstop for the Phils back then. I loved Larry Bowa. Larry Bowa is now the third base coach for the Dodgers. I hate Larry Bowa. Davey Lopes played second base for the Dodgers back then. I hated Davey Lopes. Davey Lopes is now the first base coach for the Phillies. I love Davey Lopes. Jerry Seinfeld is right ... We cheer for laundry.

Note to NASCAR ... When you scrapped the old Cup series points system six years ago for the new playoff-style Chase for the Championship, you said it was cause race fans were bored with the lack of suspense down the stretch. Well, Jimmie Johnson is almost a mortal lock now to win his fourth straight Chase title. Keep up the good work on the crashes and all the nitpicky rules violations. Those are still great fun but the suspense problem is still a little loose in the turns.

Good morning, Coach Jim Zorn's office, may I ask who's calling? Jim, it's Coors Light on the phone. They want to know when you'd like to audition for one of their TV commercials featuring former NFL head coaches giving mock press conferences. Um, yes, hello again, sorry to keep you waiting ... Coach Zorn says the Redskins haven't fired him yet so he doesn't know what you're talking about. Yes, I can put you on hold.

More NASCAR ... Here in Charlotte this week, the inaugural class for the new Hall of Fame was announced. Richard Petty and Dale Earnhardt were gimmes. So was Bill France Sr, the George Halas-type founding father of stock car racing. His son, Bill France Jr, also made it for his work in exploding NASCAR onto the national scene. But my favorite choice, of course, is Junior Johnson, the old legendary backroads moonshiner who ruled the early days. No matter how many California surf gods or Indiana farm boys make their way down South, racin's roots will always be whiskey, tobacky, fried chicken bones and a basket of warm hush puppies. Mmm, pups.

See ya next time.
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Thursday, October 15, 2009

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 38

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ..

Hey, I got an idea ... Seeing as how Halloween is coming up soon, let's scare the bejeebers out of the entire city of St Louis, most of the state of Missouri and pretty much the entire flood plain of the upper-middle Mississippi River heartland ... "Pujols in no hurry to talk extension with Cards".

Okay, we're past the quarter pole in the NFL season and one thing is abundantly clear. We are seeing perhaps the worst collection of truly godawful bad pro football teams ever. Seriously, can't anybody here play this game? The Rams, Chiefs, Bucs and Titans are all 0-5 while the Bills, Browns and Raiders are all 1-4. The Dead$kins are awful and my Panthers aren't much better. And then there's the Lions who are 1-4 themselves but at least ended their 0-19 skid. At this pace, Detroit could become the first team to go 4-12 and get the 10th draft pick. Brutal, Juice, brutal.

Speaking of the Browns that be in Cleveland, The Quarterback Formerly Known As Starting, Brady Quinn, has put his house up for sale not so coincidentally after losing his job just days before the NFL trade deadline to Derek "2-for-17" Anderson. You know, I almost feel sorry for The Not So Mighty Quinn. Yeah, he makes a lotta coin but it used to be a lot easier for a holdout backup starting benched quarterback to leave town. In the old days, you just tossed your cleats in the back of your VW and drove off. Now you gotta hire a realtor and get someone to empty the pool plus you need a moving van to haul all your awards and trophies. Well, maybe not a big van for that.

There's really not a whole lot I wanna say about Rush Limbaugh's ill-fated attempt to buy a chunk of the St Louis Rams. Let's just say that Rush is either a genius at self-promotion or completely tone deaf to his ability to create controversy. Yeah, I'm leaning toward genius too. Anyway, he's off the team now because the NFL wants no part of his polarizing persona. I'll tell you though, had he succeeded, his radio show would've been epic. I mean, the Rams are so bad he could've ranted his entire week just about them ...

Monday ... How socialism ruined my offensive line.
Tuesday ... My special teams unit needs a bailout.
Wednesday ... The referees are all liberals.
Thursday ... Never hire a Democrat as head coach.
Friday ... Obama made us lose.

Rest in peace, Capt Lou Albano.

See ya next time.
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Monday, September 28, 2009

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 37

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Terrell Owens said last week he'd like to be an actor after his football career is over. Allright, TO, let's see what kinda chops you got ... In this scene, I wanna see anger. Let's see how mad you can get. Really angry. Okay, quiet on the set and ... Action! Okay, cut. No, that's not quite it, TO. I need rage. Let me see furious. I'll tell you what ... Pretend I'm a quarterback who won't throw you the ball. Ready and ... Action! Cut! That's it! Perfect! Okay, TO, now I wanna see surprise. This time I'll throw you a pass but you drop it. This should be easy. You won't even have to act for this one.

Lakers F Lamar Odom got married over the weekend to reality TV star Khloe Kardashian. Way to be a team player, Lamar. You're the third best Laker and you married the third hottest Kardashian. Good job.

NFL Week 3 Notes ... Washington gave Detroit another bailout. The Titans (Jets) beat the Oilers (Titans). The Colts don't seem to be missing Tony Dungy very much. The Bengals finally beat the Steelers at home, the Dolphins are on their way to an impressive worst-to-first-to-worst season, the Browns are showing more fight in their locker room than on the field and Brett Favre showed us all just one more time why he's so much more enjoyable when he just shuts up and plays.

I really like and appreciate ESPN's impressive new online venture, ESPNBoston.com, a dedicated Web portal that nicely consolidates and organizes a variety of news and information concerning the Boston sports scene. It now makes it so much easier to ignore the variety of news and information concerning the Boston sports scene.

My Phillies, the defending World Series champs, are starring in a new movie, The Year of Lidging Dangerously, as last year's hero closer Brad Lidge continues to pour diesel fuel on this year's save situations. Listen, Brad, seriously, loved what you did last year. 48 saves in 48 attempts can't be topped. But you're blowing saves in the wrong city to be blowing anything in. There's still time since the Phils look safe for a playoff spot but you still might wanna call ahead and get a quote on a moving van. And ask for a fast one. Just in case.

So here's what we know after a month of college football ... Poodle Pete's SoCal Trojans honked their title shot. So did Okie State, Penn State, Cal and Ole Miss. Defending mythical champ Florida is chomping on cupcakes but looked beatable against mouthy Tennessee. Meanwhile, Michigan's got a 19-year-old true freshman, Tate Forcier, running around making storybook quarterback plays in the Big House. Just a hunch but I'm guessing the kid won't have a problem getting a bid to pledge a U-M frat. He probably won't do too bad at the U-M sororities either.

See ya next time.

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Wednesday, September 23, 2009

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 36

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Most NFL teams fine players for all kinds of Mickey Mouse stuff. If you're five minutes late to a meeting or forget to wear a tie on the plane, next week's front office doughnuts are on you. Some teams though go the extra mile. After one player left his hotel room without paying for a $3 bottle of water, Cleveland Browns coach Eric Mangini fined him $1,701. He could've just deducted $3 from the player's next game check but instead Mangini carefully calculated the absolute maximum amount he could collect according to league rules. Way to build good chemistry there, coach. And way to get the league's first ever dry Gatorade bath if you ever do win a big game.

Actually, there's probably a better reason why Eric Mangini is cracking down on unpaid bottles of acqua. Seeing as how the league docked the ex-Jets coach 25 boxes of ziti for hiding Brett Favre's arm injury last year, the new Don in Cleveland must need to skim a little more vig from some of his big earners so he can make his nut and pay off New York. A fanabla.

After the double embarrassment of losing to Boise State and then suspending their star running back, the Oregon Ducks couldn't sink much lower. And now they're out $439 too. One unhappy Duck alum wrote a scathing letter to coach Chip Kelly and even included an invoice for his travel expenses up to Idaho. To which Kelly attached his personal check and sent it back. Honestly, I didn't think that would work but all right then ...

Dear Eagles, enclosed please find an invoice for eleventy three gazillion dollars to cover tickets, parking, tolls, gas, concessions and personal anguish with interest for coughing up that 23-0 lead with 8:27 to play in the 4th quarter and losing 28-23 to the Vikings at The Vet back on December 1, 1985. No, I haven't forgotten. There's no effing way Jaworski should've run that naked boot ... which he fumbled for one score ... and I still don't understand how Anthony Carter got behind the deep prevent twice for two more scores. Please make check payable to Section 719, Row 14, Seats 19-20. Thank you. P.S. Just in case you've forgotten ...

http://www.pro-football-reference.com/boxscores/198512010phi.htm

Dear New Cowboys Stadium, congratulations on setting an NFL regular season attendance record of 105,121 at your debut this past Sunday night against the Jints. We've been sitting that many college fans for decades and without 30,000 SRO's who couldn't see anything but stetsons and shoulders in every direction too. Best regards, Penn State Beaver Stadium, Michigan Stadium, Ohio State Stadium, Tennessee Neyland Stadium and Texas Longhorn Stadium.

NFL Week 2 Notes ... The J-E-T-S won Super Bowl 43 1/8th with a self-proclaimed epic regular season win over their hated rival Patriots. Tony Romo pretended the Pokes home opener was a playoff game. The Jagwires unveiled new home uniforms in front of old empty seats. Ray Lewis demonstrated just how easy it is to tackle a back when nobody blocks him. And Chad "Child, Please" Ochocinco did the Lambeau Leap right into a seething pit of Lambeau middle fingers. Straight up, yo.

See ya next time.
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Wednesday, September 16, 2009

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 35

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

That was quite the slobberfest that broke out last week after Derek Jeter tied and then passed Lou Gehrig for most career hits as a New York Yankee. Jeter's new pinstripe record is 2,722 and counting. Let's see now, that's 1,178 fewer hits than Ty Cobb had with the Tigers, 908 fewer hits than Stan Musial had with the Cards and 697 fewer hits than Carl Yastrzemski had with the Red Sox. Nah, there wasn't any media hype over Jeter's new mark. Okay, maybe a little. I'm sure the fact Derek plays in New York is just a coincidence, right?

For his own personal safety, I wonder if Jamie Foxx is now rethinking that whole "Serena, let me be your tennis ball" thing. Look, I think Serena Williams is all that and a bag of chips. But she's gonna hafta take her lady lumps for nearly scaring that poor lineswoman half to death in the US Open semis against eventual champ Kim Clijsters. From the replay, it looked like a bad call but I wouldn't blame her if she never called another foot fault again in her life. Serena, please don't hurt me with that ball.

Speaking of tennis, that was a sweet upset win by Argentina's Juan Martin del Potro over 5-time defending US Open champ and tennis machine Roger Federer. And if you had unseeded comeback mommy Kim Clijsters and sixth-seeded del Potro in your US Open fantasy pool, I'd really like to sit down and have a talk with you. I got some lottery tickets here that need help.

Here's a nice little story ... For 43 years, Bob Fulton was South Carolina's "Voice of the Gamecocks". Fulton, who retired in 1995, is 88 now and recently spent two weeks in a physical rehab clinic after a fall at home. His roommate there, a fellow Gamecock fan, was blind and asked Bob if he could call the game on TV against NC State for him. And so he did. Just like old times. Pretty soon a crowd of nurses, visitors and other patients gathered around the set to listen to the legend. The Cocks won that game but Bob was discharged from the center before the next game, last Saturday's loss to No. 23 Georgia. Which is just as well, I suppose. Even a blind man could see that one coming.

Hi, honey, I'm home and I brought the pizza. Oh hi, Eric, what kind did you get? I can't say. It's a secret that I will reveal to the entire family just as we sit down to eat. Okay, Eric, that's fine, sweetie, but let me ask you something. Last week, you refused to announce your pick to start for the Browns at QB, Brady Quinn or Derek Anderson. Remember you said you wanted to keep the Vikings guessing right up until game time? Well, they didn't really care and I don't either. So just put whatever crappy pizza you got, Papa Johns or Pizza Hut, on the table and wash up. Thanks, honey.

NFL Week 1 Notes ... The Bungles bungled. The Dead$kins went right back to last place. The Lions did not win. Jake Delhomme imploded, exploded and deploded. The Cardinals fouled their nest. The Texans took another significant step toward 8-8. Jay Cutler showed he knows how to play quarterback for the Bears. Nobody cares about the Rams. And TO now understands what playing for the Bills is all about. In other words, not a whole helluva lot has changed in the Enn Eff Ell. Welcome back.

See ya next time.
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Thursday, September 10, 2009

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 34

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

How come home team fans always boo and yell "Balk!" when the opposing pitcher fakes a pickoff throw? Any time, any base, any move. If the bad guy fakes a throw, fans holler for the balk. Every time without fail. Has this ever worked? Has any paid professional umpire, in the recorded history of organized baseball, ever said to himself ... "You know what, these 35,000 fans, even the ones way up there in the cheap seats, can see this game much better than me and my fellow bluemen. They're right, that was a balk. Runners advance."

A group called Main Line Animal Rescue put an ad in the Washington Post this week offering to donate five bags of dog food to a local DC animal shelter for each time the Redskins sack Michael Vick during the Skins home game against the Iggles in October. Man, I love meaningless symbolic gestures like this. I mean, the dogs don't have a clue where dog food comes from, Vick certainly doesn't care and yet the animal lovers still have something to feel good about. Oh yeah, coming out, puppy needs a new bowl of food.

Here's a new rule Bill Maher-style ... New Rule: Stay away from any celebrity chick who changes her last name to a hard liquor. Yep, that means you, Shawne Merriman. I admit I don't know who Tila Tequila is but that name says all you need to know. I mean, if you just gotta hang with booze babes, try spending quality time with Betty Budweiser or Zoe Zinfandel instead. Those ladies typically don't get you arrested for battery and false imprisonment a week before the NFL season kicks off. Better yet, Shawne, have some Wendy Water or Paula Pepsi.

And speaking of Shawne, we need another new rule. There are too many athletes with too many different ways of spelling that name. Besides Merriman, there's gymnast Shawn Johnson, snowboarder Shaun White, hockey player Shean Donovan, Saints coach Sean Payton and an assortment of lesser known Shons, Seanns and Shaans. And then of course there's Angels 3B Chone Figgins. I'll admit when he first came up I thought it was "Chone" as in "phone" but n'uh-uh, Chone is a Sean. Or a Shaun. Or whatever.

Teenage sensation Melanie Oudin's upset run at the US Open ended in a quarterfinals loss to some Danish babe (bjabe?) but perhaps that's a good thing for the New York City hospitality industry. Seems Miss Oudin hadn't expected to make it as far as the Open's second week so her reservations at the Manhattan Marriott Marquis were for one week only. When they asked her to leave, she had to move to another hotel leaving embarrassed Marriott staffers with chicken embryos on their corporate faces. The lesson as always ... Don't count your check-ins before the match. Sorry, couldn't resist.

See ya next time.
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Friday, September 4, 2009

The Sports Noter, Version 1, Volume 1, Special Issue 1

Ten years ago, during Labor Day Weekend of September 1999, I took my family for a "little" drive. Here's the travel diary of that odyssey from the old Monday Morning Noter archives. Note: the quarterback for Michigan that day was a senior named Tom Brady. I think things have worked out pretty good for him. Enjoy ...

Tuesday, 7-Sep-1999

Last Wednesday morning on my drive in to work, Charlotte's local sports radio station WFNZ held an hour-long contest looking for the caller with the best sports road trip story. Winner to receive two tix on the 50-yard line at the Big House in Ann Arbor, MI for Saturday's clash between the Michigan Wolverines and the Notre Dame Fighting Irish. So, I flipped open my cell phone, punched in the number and within minutes was scoring points recounting an old 1978-79 New Years in New Orleans frat boy trip to see some Wahoo hoops and a national champeenship Sugar Bowl game.

Thought I had a decent chance to score the tix and indeed got the winning call about an hour or so later. Turns out the radio folks especially liked the part about drinking way too many hurricanes at Pat O'Brien's. Go figure. Anyway, now came the hard part. Here I am with two to-die-for football tickets and 600 miles of concrete between me and the seats. A quick call to USAirways confirmed that cheap flights to Detroit were already gone so it was either give them away, eat them or ... road trip. Tried giving them away but got no real serious takers although my brother-in-law, a rabid Golden Domer, just about slit his wrists when he had to turn 'em down. Didn't really wanna eat 'em so I called sweetie pie and little by little we maneuvered into one of those oh-what-the-hell decisions you remember the rest of your lives.

Road trip.

Kids were all bubbly when we clued them in Wednesday night and they immediately started negotiating trip accords. Thought I was in the middle of the UN Security Council. Somebody dealt away their Walkman usage rights in exchange for a solo backseat with pillow while somebody else took control of munchie maintenance in exchange for stuffed animal selection rights. Finally they got it all settled and each started packing their typical young girl's mountain of stuff. Barrettes and bows, polish for toes, swimsuits and shoelaces, diaries and jewel cases. George Carlin is right. Wherever we go, we have to bring our "stuff" with us.

Next day, Thursday, I stopped by the radio station to pick up the tix on my way to the Panthers' final pre-season game against New England. At the game, I got the idea to pick up a Panthers #21 Tshimanga Biakabutuka jersey for Becky, my middle daughter, to wear to the game. I figured since Biakabutuka is still a Michigan legend, his pro jersey would get her some friendly looks from Wolverine faithful. More on this idea later.

So, Friday comes and we pull the kids outta school about an hour early with designs on hitting the road about maybe 2:00 pm on our way to Michigan. Well, as you can guess, 2:00 pm became 4:30 pm in a hurry. Had to pick up this prescription, mail that bill, gas up here, drop off a video there and so on. We had a hotel room reserved in Ann Arbor for that night but there was no way we'd make it by that time. Especially since Charlotte holiday getaway rush hour was just about ready to crush any hopes of doing double digit speeds. By 6:00 pm, we were still in Mecklenburg County and we had no choice but to call the hotel and cancel the first night.

Thought we might be able to make central Ohio with the remaining driveable hours but NC DOT had other ideas as a massive I-77 construction makeover at the Virginia border jammed everything up for a solid 45 minutes. So West By God Virginia it would be for Night No. 1. Did see a lot of cars heading south on I-77 flying green Marshall flags on their way to Clemson to play the Tigers. That's an easy program to root for given their heart-warming rebuilding of their beloved Thundering Herd after that tragic 1970 plane crash.

Finally stopped around midnight at a little Holiday Inn Express a half hour west of Charleston, WV. Didn't get to see much of West Virginia in the dark but the mountain roads were pretty cool to drive on. Although there are some patches where the 70 mph speed limit is way too thrilling to tempt. That's a new experience ... Actually too timid to risk the posted speed limit. Weird.

Next day is game day and we still got six or more hours to go for a 3:30 pm kickoff so had to boot the brood outta bed early. Soon had everybody reseated, refueled and properly donutized and off we headed west to Ohio. In thick black bean soup fog. Along a single lane country road. But it burned off soon enough and within half an hour we were across the Ohio River and heading northeast towards Columbus and points beyond.

Ohio is a lot more beautiful than I had imagined. Acres and acres of flat but majestic farmland. Corn and soybeans for the most part but every little town has its own set of massive concrete grain silos. Bob Evans Restaurants every five miles or so and Marathon Oil gas stations in every little town. Made the beltway around Columbus in a little over 3 hours and then headed due north to Toledo. Went through a couple of great small towns ... Kenton, Dunkirk, Arlington ... along a single-lane state road. The kind of places you just know a hundred years ago used to have a Memorial Day parade every year to honor their surviving Civil War heroes.

And so after another hour or so, we came up on the home of the Mud Hens and started seeing signs for Ann Arbor. By my watch, we'd roll into town about two hours before kickoff. Plenty of time to grab some lunch, check in to our hotel and hop the shuttle to the game. And, luckily enough, that's exactly what happened. Before long, Becky and I were on the shuttle and we started getting pumped up for the big game.

And what an absolutely mind-boggling stadium ... Calling it huge is an understatement. Once we picked our jaws off the ground, we made our way to our seats and they were every bit as good as advertised. Fifty-yard line, 22 rows up right behind the Notre Dame bench. We were so close I even wondered if I'd need my trusty binoculars. But I did indeed take them out and I swear I could almost read lips in the huddle. Fans were rocking, joint was jumping, blimp was blimping, this was it.

Becky's Biakabutuka jersey was a big hit. All the fans around her smiled and shook her hand or patted her back. One young guy walked by, stopped, looked at her and said ... "Tshimanga. Cool." and then kept going. Michigan fans are extremely knowledgeable about their team and college football in general. It was a brand new experience for me to sit with fans who expect to win a national championship each and every season. And the place was absolutely jammed full. A new modern day NCAA record of 111,523 people in attendance. With at least one Virginia fan who sure cheered that 20-17 final score over the Tar Heels by God.

The game itself was intense. Momentum swings all day long with six lead changes. First, Michigan scored two quick FG's but their failure to score six seemed to energize Notre Dame who responded with a beautiful pitch reverse for a score to their little scatback Joey Getherall who was easily their most exciting player. Second quarter saw another U-M field goal and a Jarius Jackson keeper for another Irish touchdown as the half ended with Notre Dame up 14-9.

Second half saw the Wolverines tally 10 points to go up 19-14 but the Irish scored a gorgeous touchdown on a 4th down play-action pass to a wide open tight end with about 4 minutes to play. Then the game took a strange turn as the Irish scored a two-point conversion but took a 15 yard penalty for an excessive celebration call in the end zone. Bogus call but it gave U-M great kickoff field position. Then the Wolverines got another break when a late hit on a sideline pass play cost the Irish another 15 yards.

Finally, with a little over a minute to go, Michigan tailback Anthony Thomas bulled in from a yard out and the 26-22 final score was set although Notre Dame did end the game deep in Michigan territory but out of time and short of a first down. The Wolverines mobbed the field and the fans were dancing in their seats. Another great game in a great Midwest rivalry.

So, Becky and I slowly made our way out of the Big House and we stopped at a souvenir stand to pick up a Michigan T-shirt for her. I told her she could pick out anything she wanted provided I thought it looked good and wasn't too terribly expensive. The kid's got pretty good taste in clothes so I knew she'd pick something out that looked good. I just hoped it wouldn't bend my Amex card any more than it had already suffered.

But she came back from a shirt rack with a nice yellow one with blue "MICHIGAN" in block letters across the front. Nice, simple and classy. However, as she held it up, I noticed it was a long sleeve shirt so, forgetting where I was, I said to her ... "Becky, are you sure you want a long sleeve shirt ??? You won't be able to wear that until the winter, you know." And the lady standing next to me said ... "Oh, but that'll be here real soon." And with a smile, I gently turned and said to her ... "Not in Carolina it won't". And so we checked out, long sleeve shirt and all and pretty soon we were on the return shuttle for a hotel rendezvous with the rest of the family.

We pretty much crashed the rest of the evening in the hotel ... Kids went swimming and got all jiggy when we let them order room service which was surprisingly inexpensive. And so we all eventually turned in and caught a full night's worth of well-earned snooze.

And here came Sunday ... Canada Day on our itinerary. I knew as soon as we decided to make the trip that a quick jaunt into Windsor, Ontario was in order for Sunday. Kids thought that was just the coolest idea they'd ever heard. Ann Arbor is about 35-40 minutes away from Detroit so it was no biggie to cross the bridge and visit our northern neighbors for a spell. We found a delightful little park by the riverside and camped out there for a coupla hours watching the pleasure boats vie with the industrial freighters in the Detroit River connecting Lake Huron and Lake Erie. Nice cool breeze and not a cloud in the sky.

And so by mid-afternoon, we were ready to head back south. Crossed back over the river using the tunnel this time and had to negotiate a few inner city Detroit streets before we found I-75 again. Passed by Cobo and Joe Louis and Tiger Stadium ... which I did not realize was painted bright white on the outside. Within an hour, we were back in Toledo and seeing the same roads as the day before from the opposite direction. Back through Marysville, Columbus, Chillicothe, Gallipolis and on into West Virginia again.

Got up Monday morning and brought it on home. Same traffic mess at the VA-NC border but too tired to piss and moan about something we had no control over anyway. Rolled on into our SC driveway late afternoon and got all the required dog and cat welcome home greetings. One thousand, three hundred, eighty-one miles and seven-tenths. Four days. Two countries. Sixty minutes of pigskin heaven. Wallet stuffed full of Amex receipts. Feet sore. Kids pumped to tell their school pals about their weekend. Memories to last forever.

Maybe in twenty years I can use this road trip story to win another one.


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Wednesday, September 2, 2009

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 33

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

You know, I really can't think of a better way for ESPN eye candy Erin Andrews to put that awful hotel peephole incident behind her than an in-depth, exclusive appearance up next on Oprah. I mean, why should Erin keep her pain confined to just us sports fans when she can share the hurt with millions of Lt. General Winfrey's loyal troops, many of whom have never even heard of ESPN let alone Ms. Andrews. Clearly, this is the best way she can begin the healing process. Well, unless maybe a book deal or a movie pitch comes along. And if that doesn't work, she could just post the tape on YouTube and pray it does doesn't go viral. That'll give her closure, for sure.

Nice crackback block, Brett Favre. Did you forget the rule on illegal blocks behind the knees while you were {cough} retired? Ah, that's okay, don't worry about it. Besides, I think you're about to be reacquainted with it anyway.

Unable to find a new NFL team, famous bad boy Adam "Pacman" Jones signed a deal to play for the Winnipeg Blue Bombers of the CFL which still has ten weeks left in its season. Couple words of advice for Jones ... Get used to watching hockey. Lots and lots of hockey. Also, bacon is round up there and the national anthem is actually a pretty decent tune. The money is easy enough to figure out and Winnipeg speaks English so you're good there as well. Just be careful if you get invited to a beaver hunt. You might be disappointed if you're expecting your usual hangout.

Okay, first things first ... Every big time famous college football program violates the NCAA's silly rules on practice time limits. There's not one team out there that practices 20 hours or less per week like they're supposed to. Because if they did, they'd be an 0-12 lock and not a single NFL scout would call or write. But it takes a special program, the Michigan Wolverines, and a special coach, Rich Rodriguez, to provoke his players into self-reporting the violation. Think about that ... They hate him so much they actually complained about playing too much football. Nicely done, Coach. That's new ground.

How come surgeons who operate on athletes always say the surgery was a success? I mean, you never hear a jock doc come out of the operating room and say "Well, shoot, that didn't work. He's done." They always say everything went just fine with the patient expected to make a full recovery. Never a half recovery, always a full recovery. I swear if I ever need an operation, I'm gonna ask for a sports surgeon no matter what's wrong with me. I need my appendix removed? Fine, but I want a cutter who puts blown knees and shredded elbows back together, thanks.

See ya next time.
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Sunday, August 30, 2009

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 32

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Hats off to Christie Rampone, player-coach and captain of Sky Blue FC, the first champion of the brand new Women's Professional Soccer League. Rampone, who also captains the US national team, led her squad to upset playoff wins over the league's top three teams all on the road and all in just eight days. But when the champagne corks were popped and her giddy teammates noticed she wasn't getting all bubbly with them, that's when Christie had to let them in on her real news. Yep, you got it ... Mrs Rampone is 11 weeks pregnant. Minivan or no minivan, that's a soccer mom.

Michael Vick's line from the Eagles pre-season game against Jacksonville ... Six plays, 4 passes for 19 yards, 1 run for 1 yard. Donovan McNabb's line ... "Putting him in and taking me out disrupts the flow of the offense and hurts our rhythm." Yeah, this is gonna go well.

Carowinds, an amusement park here in Charlotte, announced this week a new roller coaster ride set to debut next summer. Say hello to The Intimidator, a 232-foot-high monster with a top speed of 80 mph. The thrill ride is named after the late great NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Sr and features seven steep drops, one for each of Earnhardt's Winston Cup championships. What they didn't say is they also send out the black No. 3 car right after yours to ride your sorry ass and bump you off the ride if you don't move over and let him pass. Hey, rubbin' is racin'.

No truth to the rumor that Carowinds is also planning a Dale Earnhardt Jr roller coaster that'll be the most popular ride in the entire park but will have no steep drops plus it'll develop engine trouble and whine about its stepmother.

Boy, it's nice to see Isiah Thomas back and causing problems again. Last seen turning the New York Knicks into a bad sitcom, Thomas is now head coach at little Florida International. Seems he thought his Golden Panthers were all set to play Ohio State in the season-opening Coaches vs Cancer Tournament. Thomas even said his team welcomed the tough challenge. Not so fast there, Zeke. Turns out FIU is playing defending champ North Carolina instead so now Isiah is miffed and threatening to stay home. So in other words, when it's for a worthwhile cause, it's okay to get your ass kicked but it's not okay to get it thoroughly abused. Got it, thanks.

Back in May, the Denver Nuggets had a scheduling conflict with the WWE. Game 4 of the Western Conference finals at home against the Lakers was scheduled for the same night as Monday Night Raw. But after a bit of his usual bluster, Vince McMahon packed up and left town. Winner: Nuggets. The Atlanta Dream is a WNBA team looking for its first playoff berth. But they too have a scheduling problem as Sesame Street Live! is booked at Phillips Arena just as the playoffs begin. Guess who has to move this time? That's right, ladies, you do not bump the Muppets. Winner: Elmo.

See ya next time.

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Tuesday, August 25, 2009

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 31

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Former Jints WR Plaxico Burress pleaded guilty to gun charges last week and will now spend two years in a New York state prison. His lawyer later said Burress has hired a prison coach who will ... and I quote ... "address and advise us, Mr. Burress and his family, on what to expect while incarcerated, and how to use his period of confinement as productively as possible." Ah, you coulda saved your money, Plax. Really, here's all you need to know ... First, stay away from The Sisters. Then make friends with the guy who can get you things. Next, do all the guards' tax returns. And then hang a big poster of Rita Hayworth in your cell. Easy, peasy, Japanese-y.

I'm telling you, the Dawn of the Twitter Age is going to revolutionize the sports world. Hell, it's already happening as last week Miami Heat F Michael Beasley tweeted a twitpic ... try saying that three times fast ... of his sweet new back ink. Unfortunately for him, the aforementioned photo also showed Michael's sweet bag of the kind bud on the kitchen table behind him. And so now the story is Beasley has checked into a Houston rehab facility. Let's hope they add a 13th step to his recovery program ... Put Your Weed Away Before You Tweet.

This just in from our Reinforcing Sports Stereotypes Bureau ... Pro wrestler Kurt Angle was caught and charged with possession of HGH. And suspended NASCAR driver Jeremy Mayfield, who's already twice tested positive for methamphetamines, had his estranged stepmother arrested for trespassing after she showed up hammered at his home. The same stepmom who is NASCAR's principal witness against Mayfield. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.

The Chicago Cubs were finally sold this week to the billionaire Ricketts family for a cool $900 million dollars. J Joseph Ricketts is the patriarch of the Omaha, NE family who made their fortune starting up a small investment firm that later grew into TD Ameritrade, the big online brokerage firm. I'm sure the new owners will uphold the fine tradition of family ownership of the Cubs but this deal is still a puzzler. I mean, they're rich stockbrokers, right? Aren't they supposed to know how to pick winners?

The Pokes opened up their new $1.2 billion dollar playpen last week with a pre-season game against the Titans and, wouldn't you know it, there are still a few bugs to be worked out. Like for instance, the 60-yard-long, everything-is-bigger-in-Texas video screen that apparently nobody tested to see if a punter could hit. Um, yes, they can and now Dallas owner Jerry Jones will likely be asked to spend another $2,000,000 to raise the massive board out of reach. As you can guess, Double-J hates that idea but he won't have much choice. Besides, it's not like he's never had anything lifted before ...



See ya next time.
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Wednesday, August 19, 2009

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 30

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Florida, defending mythical national champion Florida, is a 73 point favorite over Charleston Southern, a small Big South school and an afterthought even in Charleston, for their September 5th chompdown in The Swamp. Let's go to the math on this ... CharSou could give up 10 touchdowns and 10 extra points but ... but ... if they block a field goal, the Buccaneers will beat the spread. Go Bucs! Block that kick! Collect that check! {Yeah, I know, you're right, take the Gators.}

After all these years, all those trophies, all those soul-crushing, red shirt, back nine beatdowns, Tiger Woods finally coughed up a 54-hole lead in a major and lost the PGA to ... Yang Yong-eun. Not Phil, not Sergio, not Vijay, not Padraig but Y.E., the 110th ranked golfer in the world. Not only that but Yang was paired with El Tigre on Sunday and that turns most golfer's knees to shrimp and grits. And to top it all off, Y.E. took the lead on 14 with the same sort of ridiculous pitch for eagle that Woods normally destroys his foes with. Nicely done, Mr Yang. Have fun cashing that big check.

In last year's Olympic 100 meter final, Usain Bolt started celebrating early and yet still set a new world record of 9.69 seconds. Almost immediately, some folks wondered what Bolt woulda coulda shoulda run had he not eased up. Some cynics speculated he might've been saving a few 100ths just so he could collect the bonus that comes with each new record. Well, Bolt's bank account is just a little stouter now after his 9.58 at the Worlds in Berlin. The bonus isn't all that much ... just $100,000 ... but that's still $9,090.90 per chopped hundredth. Man, that's fast work.

How fast? Well, considering that NFL scouts and coaches literally drool over 40-yard dash times of 4.25 or so, Bolt's 9.58 would have stopped their watches after 3.5 seconds in the 40. Three point five in the 40. Hell, Bolt is already 6-5 and buffed. All he would need is good hands and a fly pattern and it'd be game over in the Enn Eff Ell.

Okay, here's my impression of sports media coverage over the last few days ... {inhale deep breath} ... Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Yang Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Bolt Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick ... {inhale} ... Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre ... {and exhale}.

A few photos surfaced last week showing Texas OF Josh Hamilton falling off the sobriety wagon back in January in a Tempe, AZ bar. His fall is notable, of course, because Hamilton almost squandered a serious boatload of baseball talent to drugs and swill before finding his way back through his faith and, to be fair, a really sweet left-handed power swing. It's a good story, it really is. Redemption, salvation, devotion, all the -tion's we believe make the difference. There's just one small problem here ... How come Josh looks like he's having so much fun in that bar?

See ya next time.
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Friday, August 14, 2009

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 29

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

On Wednesday night, one of those cute and cuddly Cubs bleacher fans tossed a cup of beer on Phillies CF Shane Victorino as he was making a catch near the wall. And then ... and this is just adorable ... the beerchucker pointed at someone else who was quickly whisked away by Chicago's finest. I guess now we know how Al Capone avoided arrest for so long. Anyway, after careful forensic photo analysis ... back and to the left, back and to the left, back and to the left ... the guy turned himself in to face charges. Hopefully, he'll be sentenced to watching more Cubs games.

And so Rick "Success Is A Choice But Apparently Adultery Is Not" Pitino is in a sex scandal. Extortion, abortion, distortion, whatever. It's as tawdry (and as unsurprising) as any other jock screwup. Hell, Pitino's got a great reputation for getting guys ready for the NBA. Maybe this was just another hands-on demonstration. But here's where it gets weird ... Coach Pitino had been invited to speak next month at Samford University Law School. But now that he's Coach Paternity, the school quickly ditched his speech. Which makes no sense, I mean, now he's got a legal issue to talk about, right?

More college news ... The NCAA punished yet another scalawag rogue program. This time it was that noted basketball factory, Southeast Missouri State, who felt the wrath of The Lords of Absurdity. Let's see now ... All hoops wins from 2006 through 2008. Poof. Gone baby gone because an assistant gave a player a ride to see his newborn baby. Another player got $239 to cover some unpaid admin fees. Also, three years of probee cause the coaches "observed out-of-season pickup games". Oh but that's not all ... A booster also paid the tuition for a former women's team player who needed one extra semester to get her degree. The nerve of some people.

And so The Michael Vick Experience at long last has landed in Philadelphia. I sure hope the Iggles know what they're doing. Last time they had a high profile, high maintenance, high energy guy in the locker room {cough} TO {cough}, they got off to a good start but later on it blew up like a gag cigar. One thing about Philly fans though ... If by some miracle of miracles, Michael Dwayne Vick actually helps bring home one (1) certified genuine Vince Lombardi Trophy to the COBL, he could light a box of puppies on fire in the middle of Broad Street and they'd give him a parade ... And then kick the ever living crap out of him.

Rumors are out that actress Kate Hudson wants boyfriend Alex Rodriguez to give her a little bundle of joy. Supposedly, she's even willing to pay for everything. Kate, sweetie, that's not the issue. Pay Rod's got plenty of spare coin laying around. The real problem is everybody knows the Yankee slugger is prone to pop out in the clutch. Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week. Try the veal.

Rest in peace, Eunice Kennedy Shriver. Thanks for the Special Olympics.

See ya next time.
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Saturday, August 8, 2009

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 28

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

This may be heresy but I worry that we fans are risking ovation inflation. When a big league pitcher throws 6 or 7 shutout innings, gives up a few hits, a coupla walks and then has to leave because his pitch count's at 105, that's called doing his job. A standing O, in this case, is standing overkill. We need to save the Big O's for no-hitters, playoff clinchers and the like. Same thing goes for the curtain call. Hitting a home run to make the score 6-2 in the third inning does not merit an applause shower. Save it for the big knocks. Like every other time Albert Pujols is up.

Appalachian State star QB Armanti Edwards is out 2-4 weeks after cutting his foot while mowing his lawn. As a freshman, Edwards led App State to that truly epic upset over Michigan in the Big House and from there went on to help the Mountaineers win their second and third straight Division 1-AA national titles. You know, I think the lesson here is obvious and hopefully, future young players can learn from Edwards' mistake ... Always go to a Division 1-A school. Somebody there will cut your lawn for you.

Tell me again why the NFL season should expand to 18 games? Training camps weren't open a week and already several players have suffered season-ending boo-boos. Everything from shredded knees to exploded tendons. Even with most teams seldom practicing live plays in full pads anymore, they're still dropping like an Aerosmith lead singer. At first, the idea of two more real football games sounds sweet but not if we have to watch a pair of M*A*S*H units going at it. Keep it at 16. Besides, Lions fans have already suffered enough.

More on the Enn Eff Ell ... Mark it down, this season will be like no other the league has ever seen. But I'm not talking on the field. No, we're at the dawn of the Twitter Age. The NFL sets the bar as far as information control is concerned but the Twitter genie is out of the bottle. Just this week, the Chargers fined Antonio Cromartie for tweeting about sucky camp food. But with lotsa players on each team happily twittering away, it won't be long before something really big explodes. You think the Browns might disinfect their locker room a little better now that "I got a staph infection" fits nicely in a tweet. Yeah, I think so too.

Rest in peace, Arena Football League. Nothing lasts forever but you guys lasted exactly 22 years longer than the experts said you would. Next up for the failure roll of honor is the UFL. Have fun, guys. Good luck with your bankruptcy filing.

I'm not sure but I think this is how the Olympic sport of ski jumping got started. Except there was snow. And beer. Lots of beer. Enjoy ...


See ya next time.
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Sunday, August 2, 2009

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 27

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

NC State football coach Tom O'Brien complained about his team's schedule at last week's ACC pre-season mediapalooza. Seems he doesn't feel his Wolfpack should have to play rival North Carolina the week before the ACC Champeenship game. O'Brien thinks the title tilt should never be a rematch from the previous week and he wants the conference to make sure it can't happen. Not to worry, Tom. I think they've already figured out you and Butch Davis are gonna do that on your own.

Also noted at the ACC press gig, all 12 coaches expect big things from their teams this year. The kids have been working really hard and they've been giving it 110% in practice. If things go well, this could be a really special year for us. But there's a lot of football left to be played and we have a tough road ahead of us. There are a lot of good teams out there and that ball, you know, it takes some funny bounces sometimes so we're just going to play 'em one game at a time and let the chips fall where they may. The good Lord willing, I think we'll be all right.

Translation: We don't have a prayer. I told the AD I needed a private jet to recruit that hotshot running back but it wasn't in the budget. Also, unless my dadgum quarterback can pass remedial wood shop, I'm gonna hafta play the freshman back there and he only knows about six plays. Meanwhile, my All-American linebacker is sweating out a paternity suit, my kicker tore his ACL in a dorm prank and we open with three road games in a row against top 10 teams. I'll be lucky if I still have this job in December.

Okay, now that we know what put the "Big" in Big Papi, can we move on now? Or do we need to go through this faucet dripping torture one agonizing, steroid-using, fallen boyhood idol at a time? I think we get it now ... As long as all that big coin kept coming in, the Lords of Baseball blissfully looked the other way while the players, who treated their butts like pin cushions, took a dump on the holy record books while we watched in naive wonder. Message received. Everyone was juiced and nobody cared. Let's move on. Um, who's pitching tonight?

Wait a minute, the ESPN X Games are 15 years old? Man, that's a helluva long time for a manufactured niche event like that. Hell, the Chinese have gymnasts younger than the X Games. No doubt I'll celebrate XG15 by skipping it like every other year but I'll tell you what I would be tempted to watch ... The Special X Games. Oh come on, you know you just giggled.

See ya next time.
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Thursday, July 30, 2009

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 26

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

When asked whether he thought the NFL should reinstate Michael Vick now or keep him suspended for several more games, Terrell Owens had this to say ... "I don't think it's really fair for him to be suspended four more games. It's almost like kicking a dead horse to the ground." Almost, TO, but not quite ... It's actually more like drowning, electrocuting and slamming a dead dog to the ground. Gotta keep your metaphors tight, big guy.

In the Pop Culture grid of this week's Sports Illustrated issue under the column heading "Person I'm Dying To Interview", Fish pitcher Josh Johnson replied ... "Kirby Puckett. One of my idols growing up." Ah, maybe someday you'll get that interview, Josh, but it won't be on this plane of existence as the immortal Twin got called up to The Big Ballclub In The Sky over three years ago. Pick again, Josh.

And so Brett Favre says he'll stay retired. Yeah, right, sure you will, Brett. Good one. Pull this leg and it whistles "Dixie". Look, unless we get all the way to Sunday of Week 1 at 1:00pm with no sign of Purple No. 4 anywhere, I'm not buying it. And that's cause any time any QB on any NFL team tweaks an ankle, bends an elbow, shrugs a shoulder, flexes a knee or bangs a thumb, Brett Favre's cell is gonna ring, buzz, shake or sing. I mean, at this point, even Mick Jagger and Keith Richards must be wondering why Favre won't quit.

In New York, both Putz and Wang are on the disabled list, the DL. Or in their case, the EDL. Sorry, couldn't resist.

I understand the Tour de France is a ridiculously grueling event. And we can argue all day long about what exactly these super-endurance races actually prove other than some people will somehow train themselves to do them. But here's what I can't grasp ... How in the world do you pedal for three weeks up, down and all over one of the most beautiful landscapes on the planet and all you get to see are your handlebars, your front tire and the bike shorts of the guy in front of you? As Master Yoda would say ... Sense not make this does.

All right, settle down, I think we're all here so let's take seats. I'd like to welcome you all to the Pittsburgh Pirates Mid-Summer 2009 Strategy Meeting. Item No. 1 on the agenda ... The Steelers open up training camp in just a few days. What do we do? Okay, let's see some ideas, people. Trade Adam LaRoche to the Red Sox? Didn't we send Jason Bay to them last year? Never mind, it's brilliant. I love it. Make the call. Okay, next ... Trade Jack Wilson and Freddy Sanchez? Wait, aren't they our double play combo? Whatever, I like it. Do it. Wow, I'm getting goosebumps here. You guys are on fire. What else you got?

Rest in peace, Jim Johnson. And you too, Vernon Forrest.

See ya next time.
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Friday, July 24, 2009

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 25

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Well, here we are two years later and Michael "Pooch Punt" Vick is finally free. His sentence for dog fighting crimes has been served in full so now he's free to rejoin society as a changed man. And what better place to celebrate your first night of freedom than a Virginia Beach strip club with your friend, Allen Iverson. Now to be fair, Vick's lawyer denies the story but even if he was there, I'm sure AI will try to convince Mike it didn't count. I mean, it was just a practice stripper, man. Not a real stripper. Not a real stripper. We talkin' about practice, man. Practice.

Last time out, we wondered if the NFL isn't pushing its massive appeal too far by drowning us in too many pre-season telecasts. Now I'm convinced the league is tempting fate with this week's announcement that the 2010 NFL Draft will stretch from two to three days and ... get this ... The first two rounds will be on Thursday night during prime time. This is cause for concern on several levels. One is there's already too much dead air filled with too many talking bubbleheads as it is. Hell, I wouldn't wish three days of Chris Berman on my worst enemy. Okay, okay, you're right. Yes, I would. Anyway, my biggest concern is there's no way I'll get the remote during "Grey's Anatomy". NFW, NFL.

Wait, hold on. Stop everything. Major controversy. One SEC head football coach somehow inexplicably did not anoint Florida's Tim Tebow as his pre-season choice for first team, all-conference QB and somehow this slight became Breaking News. Fortunately, crack detectives solved the mystery by, um, using the phone to call each school's coach. Steve Spurrier later admitted it was just an oversight and not an insult. Meanwhile, Tebow had already moved on to other important issues like declaring to the hungry press corps that he's still a virgin. Sigh, I give up.

Judging by fan reaction to Manny Ramirez's so-far triumphant return from a 50-game juicy juice sitdown, it's now clearer than ever that if you can perform your chosen athletic specialty .... which in Manny's case means swinging a rounded wooden stick at a small thrown sphere ... well enough that thousands of people are willing to spend their time and some heavy coin to see you do it, well, then you can probably get away with anything short of cannibalism and still thrive in your sport. It's not right and it's not wrong. It just is.

And so it was that Manny strode to the plate on Wednesday night to pinch hit in a tie game with the sacks loaded. Whereupon he blasted a first pitch grand slam into his very own MANNYWOOD section ... And as The Wood Man circled the bases, Dodger Stadium erupted with the wild cheers of delirious LA fans who no doubt were all texting their agents angling for the book and movie rights before Manny had even rounded third. And yeah, maybe I should be cynical about all this but I'd rather dwell on the positive ... You see, my fantasy team traded for Ramirez while he was out and we really needed that 1-1, HR, R, 4 RBI, 1.000 OBP. You da manny, Manny.

During a match this week in LA, a testy David "Footie Spice" Beckham challenged a few hecklers in the stands to come down and settle their mutual misunderstanding on the pitch. When they didn't, Cap'n Bend It tried to climb up there himself but was restrained by several security guards. The MLS league office naturally wasn't too happy with his people skills so they fined him $1000. You know, I think Becks is finally starting to get the hang of this place.

See ya next time.
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Wednesday, July 22, 2009

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 24

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas but apparently not in Lake Tahoe as a woman from there who thought she had a friend in Ben (like Ben) Roethlisberger filed a civil lawsuit accusing the Steeler QB of sexual assault stemming from a hotel visit last summer. No criminal charges have been filed so it might be tough to win a case with no witnesses and no corroborating evidence. Even so, Ben's lawyer is probably looking for an alibi of some sort ... I dunno, maybe Ben was off hiking the Appalachian Trail. I hear that's a popular summer pastime.

I didn't think it was possible but the Enn Eff Ell might have finally come close to a saturation point. Ordinarily, I'll soak up anything the Kingdom of Goodell has to offer. Anything. In fact, just say the letters "N-F-L" and I'm there. But last week, the league announced that all 65 upcoming (and utterly useless) pre-season games will be broadcast in HD on the NFL Network. For the love of Lombardi, why? I mean, this only makes any sense if the CIA needs a new "enhanced interrogation" technique to replace waterboarding and Britney Spears albums.

71 holes and 8 feet ... That's how close 59-year-old Tom Watson came to winning the British Open in what would have been the most astonishing result in pro golf history. But young Tom always had problems with the yips and AARP Tom evidently still has them. His 8-footer would have been good from 7 feet and that was that as Stewart Cink then crushed him in a 4-hole playoff for the win. Still, it's a shame he didn't drain the putt cause next year's champions dinner menu of Salisbury steak, creamed corn, stewed prunes and tapioca pudding would have been epic.

Speaking of epic, Terrell Owens has a new reality TV show on VH-1. T.O. says he wants to do the show so he can prove he's not the one-dimensional, high maintenance, self-obsessed, cartoon character everyone says he is. And what better way to do exactly that than a prime time television show called ... wait for it ... "The T.O. Show" ... No doubt starring Terrell "T.O." Owens as Terrell "T.O." Owens. With special guest appearance by Terrell "T.O." Owens. Good luck, T.O. Break a leg.

See ya next time.
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Wednesday, July 15, 2009

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 23

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

The Home Run Derby takes way too long. Yeah, it's fun but you could confirm a new Supreme Court justice in less time than it takes to work through all those rounds of big fly launching. One idea to speed things up right off the bat is we could dock each slugger two outs if one of the Little Leaguers in the outfield makes the catch. Three if Luis Castillo catches it.

Here it is July and training camps haven't even opened up yet but Dallas QB Tony Romo is already in post-season form. Turnover Tony put girlfriend Jessica Simpson on waivers the night before her 29th birthday and ruined the party she was planning. I'm sorry but that's a fumble. And no booth review needed either. I don't care if she is batshiat crazy. Unless you got a backup warming up who's 10x hotter, you don't tell a girl like that to clean out her locker and turn in her playbook.

I musta missed the memo but when did this whole mixed martial arts thing go mainstream? Okay, so it's the dead of summer and the sports calendar is pretty much in a coma which might explain why something called the UFC 100 was all the rave last week. But people were going around referring to some of these fighters by last name only ... Lesnar? Mir? ... as if they were household names. Are we really on a one-name basis with guys who beat each other senseless for a living? Man, I was just starting to get familiar with some of the soccer players.

It took eight All-Star Game innings but Tim McCarver finally delivered one of his patented "double explanations" of a brutally simple baseball concept. As Dodger 2B Orlando Hudson was batting, McCarver noted that, on Sunday against the Brewers, the switch hitter had belted two home runs. And then Tim-may kept right on going with this gem ... "Hudson homered from both sides of the plate. One from the left and one from the right." Thanks, Tim, you're the No. 1 best.

Two weeks until football is back. Mmm, pigskin.

See ya next time.
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