The Sports Noter

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 2, Issue 3

2010-02-18T20:00:00.001-05:00

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Hole in the track, hole in the track. Lookin' like a fool with a hole in your track ... Yes, that was a real pothole that twice red flagged the red-faced Daytona 500 and delayed the race for more than two hours before Jamie "Jabeep" McMurray finally took the checkered flag this past Sunday. I dunno why it took so long to fix the hole though ... All they had to do was put a cone on it and drive around it. Hell, that's how potholes get fixed on my street.

How come the music for pairs figure skating always sounds like somebody died? Is there a rule in skating that says they simply have to be so serious all the time? What would be so wrong with skating to like a Beatles or a KISS medley? Anyway, congratulations to the Chinese pair, husband Zhao Hongbo and wife Shen Xue, who took gold. Afterwards, Zhao said they'd most likely retire now and try something easier like start a family. Whoa, Zhao, not so fast there. You haven't changed a baby after it's done a double Salchow in its diaper yet. That ain't easy, champ.

I'm confused ... Is a Double McTwist 1260 a rad new snowboard halfpipe trick that Shaun White just stomped ... Did I get that right? Stomped? ... on his way to a repeat gold medal? Or is it the latest new menu item at a McDonald's drive-thru? And when a snowboarder just misses finishing a Double McTwist 1260, do the other snowboarders say things to him like ... Dude, you suck. That was so 900, bro.

Sigh ... I miss those old school Winter Olympics back in the Cold War days when, if the Russians had won just 3 medals to this point like they have in Vancouver, I mean, you just knew some Minister of Sport wearing one of those big Russian bear fur hats was gonna get shot about ten minutes after the team got back in the U-S, back in the U-S, back in the USSR. Man, nobody brought the grump to the Olympics like the old CCCP.

Hey, we got the America's Cup back again. That's right, the US and A are kings of the sailing world once more. Sailing. In the ocean. In February. While the Winter Olympics are going on. Meanwhile, we're hip deep into basketball season, a Summer Olympics sport played indoors in the winter. Hello, McFly?

Rest in peace, Nodar Kumaritashvili.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 2, Issue 2

2010-02-10T22:00:00.004-05:00

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

One day many years ago, when my youngest sister was in grade school and doing her homework, she asked me how to spell the word "pneumonia".

Me: Oh, that's easy ... "p-n-e-u-" ...
Her: No, no, that can't be right. Don't tease me.
Me: But that really is how you spell "pneumonia" ... "p-n-e-u-" ...
Her: I don't believe you. No word starts with "p-n-e-u-". I'm gonna go get my dictionary.
Me: Go right ahead ......
Me: Well?
Her: I can't believe it. That doesn't make any sense at all. Who came up with that crazy idea?

Ladies and gentlemen, the New Orleans Saints are Super Bowl champions ... "p-n-e-u-"

Dear NFL, please I'm begging you. Enough with the geriatric halftime shows. Any act eligible for an AARP card should be ineligible for the Super Bowl. Look, I love The Who. They were the party band back in their glory days but that was 30+ years ago. It's time to get some younger bands out there. Hell, I'd rather watch an 'N Sync reunion over another geezer show. Oh wait, bad example. I forgot Justin Timberlake is on the bad boy list.

Daddy? Yes, Peyton, what is it, son? All the kids at school talk about you, Daddy. They say Archie Manning will never win a Super Bowl for the Saints. Gee, Peyton, the Saints are pretty bad right now so I guess it ain't looking too good for us. Well, when I grow up, I'm going to make it to the Super Bowl, Daddy. And when I'm there, I'm going to throw the pass that wins it for the Saints. I'm sure you will, son. Now go outside and play because Daddy has to go over this week's game plan against the Colts.

Super Bowl commercials were a mixed bag as usual. I loved the little kid who protected his mama and his salty, fatty corn chips. The Snickers spot ... more junk food ... with Betty White and Abe Vigoda was good too. And although the CareerBuilder ad featuring casual Fridays in underwear was funny, I'm not sure they realize people will do pretty much anything to keep their jobs these days. Hell, they'd probably watch The Who all over again ... In their underwear.

Boy, isn't it amazing what a great coach ol' Roy Williams is when his Tar Heel roster is all full of next year's shiny happy NBA draft picks? Almost as amazing as how sucky he is when it isn't. Welcome to the low rent district, coach. Say it loud, say it proud ... N-I-T.

The Vancouver Winter Olympics begin this weekend and, as usual, there are several compelling stories sandwiched in between breathless figure skating hysteria. Lindsey Vonn was on the verge of being the superstar skier no one will remember in two weeks. But because of a painful shin bruise, now she might be the superstar skier no one ever heard of. In other Lindsey news, Lindsey Jacobellis is back for another try at snowboard cross. Let's hope she leaves her hot dog moves back at the Village this time. Let the drug tests begin.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 2, Issue 1

2010-01-05T21:00:00.000-05:00

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

With the two camps haggling over drug testing protocols, it's not looking good for the proposed March 13 superbout between Manny Pacquiao and Floyd Mayweather Jr. Now they're going to try and let a mediator work it all out but there's a much simpler solution ... I say we get these two fighters in a ring. We get 'em some gloves, a ref, three judges and a timekeeper. Twelve rounds, three minutes each. Winner wins the testing argument. There, done. Now let's get it on so we can get it on.

Ladies and gentlemen, here to present the Oscar for the Best NFL Team in a Supporting Role is last year's award winner, the Detroit Lions. And the nominees are ...

-- The Denver Broncos for starting out a 6-0 tease and finishing up 8-8,
-- The St Louis Rams for going 1-15 so they can draft yet another defensive lineman,
-- The Buffalo Bills for doing the impossible by making Terrell Owens boring,
-- The Tampa Bay Buccaneers for finally realizing it isn't 2002 any more and finally,
-- The New York Giants for playing a throwback 14-game season instead of 16.

... and the Oscar goes to ... the New York Giants. Here to accept the award is Tom Coughlin.

The NBA is currently investigating a recent locker room incident where Washington Wizards teammates Gilbert Arenas and Javaris Crittenton supposedly drew guns on each other over an in-flight card game dispute from the night before. I dunno but it shouldn't take the league long to figure out that nothing really serious happened here. I mean, everybody knows the Wizards are terrible at man-to-man defense.

For the first time anyone can remember, a local affiliate in the Redskins market decided not to televise the woeful Skins game against San Diego last Sunday and chose to show the Eagles-Cowboys NFC East title tilt instead. Said Bruce Rader, sports director at WVBT Fox 43 in Hampton Roads, VA, of his decision ... "Honestly, the Redskins are just unwatchable." Unquote. On the contrary, my dear Bruce, I find the Washington Redskins to be must see TV. Hell, I haven't seen a train wreck this compelling since "The Fugitive" when Harrison Ford's prison ride ate a mountain.

Just curious but now that the Steelers have missed the playoffs and won't be able to defend their Super Bowl title, will James Harrison be expecting an invitation to the White House?

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 47

2009-12-06T19:00:00.000-05:00

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Two days after Vikings star RB Adrian Peterson was pulled over for going 109 in a 55, teammate Bernard Berrian was stopped and ticketed for doing 104 in a 60. Say whatever you want about the Vikes but that's great team speed right there. No truth to the rumor Brett Favre was also pulled over but he was doing 35 in a 60 while weaving from lane to lane with his turn signal on.

The 2010 World Cup draw was announced this week and we got ourselves a 1776 rematch in Group C. It's Redcoats vs Bluecoats all over again. Cornwallis vs Washington. Chips against Fries. Colour vs Color. Beatles and Elvis. Mirren-Streep. Left lane-Right lane. £ vs $. "God Save The Queen" up against "My Country, 'Tis of Thee". Beckham-Donovan. Crown against Colonies. Brits against Yanks. Bring it, England.

Bath time is a special time between you and your newborn. When the two of you are bonding, there's no room for tears. That's why Johnson's together with the NCAA and the Florida Gators are pleased to announce ... Tim Tebow's No More Tears baby shampoo. Just wet your little quarterback's hair and gently apply a small dab of shampoo. Lather, rinse and enjoy this special moment together. Keep out of reach of children. Do not use if BCS title hopes are broken.

And speaking of tears, Allen Iverson got a little verklempt at a presser announcing his return to the Sixers last week. Which is odd cause most players shed happy tears when they finally get out of Philadelphia, not back to it. Meanwhile, in other Association news, Ron Artest admitted he used to take sips of Hennessey at halftime when he was with Chicago ... Hey, at least he drank the good stuff ... And commish David Stern said he could envision a woman playing in the NBA before long. So there you have it ... Wine, women and a (redemption) song.

One of these years, the NFL is really gonna hafta get over Janet Jackson's infamous boob flash and get back to scheduling relevant acts for Super Bowl halftime shows. Look, I love The Who. They were *the* party band of my college years. But that was 30 years ago and now they're just Roger Daltrey and Pete Townshend with a backup band. Hell, I'm worried Pete's gonna throw his shoulder out any time he tries his patented windmill move. Clearly, the league doesn't wanna take any more chances but somebody needs to hack into Roger Goodell's iTunes and download him some new bands. Preferably those who aren't collecting Social Security yet.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 46

2009-12-03T23:45:00.001-05:00

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Hey, Tiger, how was your Thanksgiving? Yeah, I know, saw it on the tube. We all did. So have you picked out the Kobe Special you're gonna give to Elin? If you don't remember, Kobe gave Vanessa an 8-karat purple stone worth a cool $4 mill after his little Colorado misadventure a few years back. When a golfer shoots a double bogey "8" on a par 4 hole, that's a snowman, right? Yeah, I'm thinking Elin won't mind a little Frosty The Snowman riding high on her ring finger. Lucky for you, you're just in time for the Christmas shopping season. Ho-ho-ho.

As for ~~Tiger~~ Cheetah Woods himself, what's really surprising is why he felt the need to go off the reservation when the reservation is a blond Swedish nanny. Seriously, as a lifelong, card-carrying member of the knuckle-dragging, open-mouthed male gender, I can categorically state that the words "blond", "Swedish" and "nanny" are pretty much the Kentucky Derby, Preakness and Belmont. I'm sorry but whatever else he might've had going on ... the Santa Anita Derby, Travers and Haskell ... They're just not in the same league. Let's just hope he wasn't entered in the Breeder's Cup.

Buh-bye, Charlie Weis. See ya, Al Groh. Adios muchachos, Mark Mangino. But of all the college football coaches who are now no longer college football coaches, I think I'll miss you most of all, Diddy. Yeah, the ol' college game just won't be the same without ol' Bobby Bowden. It's been several years since his Florida State Seminoles were the holy terrors of the sport. And it's also been several years since his players were the holy terrors of the Tallahassee police station. Coincidence? I dunno but I do know this ... Nobody had a better WTF face than Diddy when his kickers went wide right.

Going out on a limb here but I don't think the New Jersey Nets, a blemished 0-17 to start the season, are gonna make the NBA playoffs. Call it a hunch.

Next time you need an example of business "synergy", that is, the interaction of different business operations whose combined effect is greater than the sum of those businesses by themselves, just consider Magic Johnson's thriving empire. Magic has long been an astute businessman but now he's bordering on just pure genius. That's because his Magic Johnson Enterprises owns well over a hundred Starbucks ... and ... about a dozen 24 Hour Fitness gyms. That's how it's done, folks. First you fatten 'em up and then you slim 'em down. Lather, rinse, repeat.

See ya next time.

(h/t to reader Dan'l Medvid for "Cheetah")

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 45

2009-11-25T19:15:00.000-05:00

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

All right, I'll admit it, I have no idea who Manny Pacquiao is. Hell, I had never heard of Miguel Cotto either. It would seem though that Mr Pacquiao picked a bad time to be born because the good old days of boxing are just that. We used to be on a last name-only basis with the best fighters ... Ali, Frazier, Foreman, Leonard, Duran, Hagler, Hearns and so on. And then I guess around Mike Tyson's time, we switched back to first and last names ... Evander Holyfield, Lennox Lewis, Oscar de la Hoya ... I mean, even Foreman was George Foreman when he made his grill-selling comeback. We need last name boxers again. And ones that don't require spell check would be nice too.

Did you see the handball that French football star Thierry Henry used to ~~rob~~ ~~hose~~ ~~bone~~ beat Ireland in last week's World Cup qualifier? Wow, now we know where the baseball umps get their training. Anyway, Henry's bogus play is now being called "Hand of God II" ... Note: In French, that would be "Le Hand of God II" ... in reference to Diego Maradona's legendary original handjob that led Argentina over England in the 86 World Cup. You know, you gotta hand it (groan) to soccer for coming up with much better names for their all-time plays. No one ever lays down the Bunt of Doom or shoots the Free Throw of Agony or scores on the 65 Toss Power Trap of Peril. And maybe they should.

According to SI's most recent "Sign of the Apocalypse" note, a Japanese lingerie company is selling a new bra that unrolls to form a 5-foot putting mat. Personally, I prefer the 6-foot model although any length is fine provided it's got good cup size. No truth to the rumor though that Kevin Costner is now in talks with the company to reprise his Roy McAvoy role in a sequel called ... wait for it ... "Tin Cups".

I'm probably gonna regret this but of all the so-called minor sports, nothing in my opinion is more pointless than women's college basketball. All college sports have their own self-fulfilling recruiting imbalances ... The best football players always choose one of the big heavies like Florida, Texas, Southern Cal, Ohio State and so on. Likewise, the best lacrosse players go to Hopkins, Syracuse, Virginia and a few others. But if you're on a chick hoops team other than UConn or maybe Tennessee, you might as well be on the Washington Generals. And you better get used to hearing "Sweet Georgia Brown" play while you're at it.

Rest in peace, Abe Pollin.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 44

2009-11-14T18:30:00.005-05:00

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Last Sunday, as the Saints offense started to get rolling in the second half against my Panthers, former Ravens bossman Brian Billick, who was doing the color commentary, said ... "Now we're finally going to see New Orleans show us The Full Monty". Unquote. And I thought to myself ... Um, he either saw a completely different movie or I'm about to change this channel real quick.

Got an e-mail from Amazon this morning. It read ... We've noticed that customers who have purchased 2008 Philadelphia Phillies: The Official World Series Film have also purchased 2009 World Series Highlights on DVD. You can now pre-order yours at a savings of $5.00 off by following the link below ... click on Reply ... Dear Amazon, we've noticed that customers who have purchased stuff from Amazon have also purchased stuff from Borders and Barnes & Noble. You can now pre-bite me at a savings of $5.00 off by following the link below.

I have a theory about Bengals WR Chad "Ya Doesn't Have To Call Me Johnson" Ochocinco. I think the NFL secretly loves his antics and can't wait to see what he does next. Chad's latest stunt took place last week against Baltimore when he offered a $1 bill to a ref during a replay challenge. On Friday, he was fined $20,000 for attempting to "bribe" the official but I still think the league doesn't mind all that much. I mean, 20 large buys a lotta coffee packs, juice bottles and microwave popcorn back at Park Avenue headquarters.

Does anyone know why Raiders coach Tom Cable still has a job? I mean, first he broke an assistant coach's jaw during a training camp spat. Then he was accused by not one but two women, his first wife and a former girlfriend, of physical abuse which delighted the ladies at NOW, the National Organization for Women, so much they want Cable suspended right NOW. Meanwhile, he's 2-6 this year and 6-14 overall. QB JaMarcus Russell is a massive bust, the other players are either playing poorly or bitching about not playing poorly and the only one having a great season is the punter. And yet, Tom Cable is still not collecting unemployment. Must be nice.

Uh-oh, Cleveland, this is not good. The Cavs' ubersuperdupermegastar LeBron James says he'll switch from wearing No. 23 to No. 6 next season as a tribute to Michael Jordan. Ah, but what James doesn't say is exactly whose No. 6 he'll be wearing. LBJ is eligible for unrestricted free agency next summer and desperate teams (Hi, Knicks!) have been clearing huge swathes of cap space just for him. So next year, either every kid in Cleveland will be bugging mom for a new Cavaliers "JAMES 6" jersey or every kid in some other NBA city will be. Enjoy the rest of the year, Cleveland.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 43

2009-11-11T14:45:00.002-05:00

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Hats off to the New York Yankees for their ... What was it? Oh yeah ... their 27th World Series title. They deserved it. They beat my beloved Phillies fair and square. I just have one small little gripe though. I really don't mind the whole $ thing. The Yankees have more coin than God and they spend it. Good for them. But please, can we stop with all the drama about their guts and glory and overcoming adversity and nobody believed in us and such? There are no Rudy's in the New York dugout. When you're supposed to win a world champeenship, it's just a job well done. Well done.

Speaking of Rudy, let's do a little comparison shopping, shall we? Notre Dame, Stanford and Northwestern are all prestigious private schools with superb academic reputations and long lists of successful alumni. Notre Dame, however, is the only one of the three with a historic and legendary, nationally-followed, Hollywood-adored football program. So will the school that beat a Top 10 team last weekend while not honking at home to a service academy, please take one step forward ... All right, Stanford ... Okay, Northwestern ... Wait, not so fast there, Irish.

Final score ... Twitter 1, Larry Johnson 0.

Did you see where San Antonio guard Manu Ginobili swatted a stray bat out of the air during the Spurs' Halloween home game? As the other players scattered, the little fellow flew around the court until Manu snagged him and carried him away. Of course, no good deed goes unpunished cause the Argentine star now has to get rabies shots to make sure he's okay. No truth to the rumor Ginobili also lives in a stately manor and drives an illegal but seriously cool, rocket-powered car while keeping a fictitious city safe from a cackling maniac in bad makeup using nothing more than a beltful of wonderful toys.

NFL Week 9 notes ... The Bengals look like they're maybe kinda sorta for real while Duh Bears most definitely do not. The Jints are in a serious swoon while the Titans are out of theirs courtesy of putting Kerry Collins back in mothballs in favor of Vince "I'll Try Not To Pout This Time" Young. Meanwhile, them Saints keep finding interesting ways to win and the Iggles keep finding interesting ways not to. The Dead$kins are truly awful and that oughta keep the deliciously sour quotes from perturbed ex-Skin John Riggins still coming. And finally, the Bucs ended their long winless streak after reverting to their old comical Bucco Bruce creamsicle unis. Nicely done, Bucs, and let me say this ... You looked *fabulous*.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 42

2009-10-31T22:30:00.001-04:00

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Boy, it sure was quiet at times in new Yankee Stadium during the World Series this week. You'd think by now owners would've figured out that higher ticket prices mean lower decibels. Also, I really don't understand why they ditched the old Yankee Stadium, the self-proclaimed "Cathedral of Baseball". I mean, you'll never hear the Pope say the Vatican needs a spiffy new St Peter's with club seats and valet parking, right? Seems like that $1.2 billion coulda gone a long way toward sprucing up the old church. Not to mention keeping Yankee fans in full-throated roar.

Hello, you have reached Gary Bettman, commissioner of the NHL. I'm sorry but I can't come to the phone right now. Press 1 if you'd like to pretty please buy the Phoenix Coyotes. Press 2 if you'd like to broadcast our games and your cable channel isn't up there like at 206 or something. Press 3 if you still don't understand the icing rule. And if you're Wayne Gretzky, just leave a message at the beep and I'll get back to you whenever I come up with a good reason why we don't want you anymore. Because clearly all my business decisions have been perfect and I just don't need the game's greatest scorer and one of its most decorated stars of all time involved in the sport. Beep.

Wow, what are the odds that the cast of a hit show on FOX like Glee would sing the national anthem before a World Series game on FOX? Probably about the same as the baseball umpires blowing still more crucial calls. Boy, are they having a tough time of it this post-season. As it is, disgraced ex-NBA ref Tim Donaghy is probably sitting there in his jail cell wondering why he didn't like baseball more.

Excerpts from retired tennis star Andre Agassi's new autobiography were released this week and in it Andre admits he likes warm milk and cookies before bedtime, listens to Pat Boone records and that 15 minutes can indeed save you 15% or more on your car insurance. Nah, what Andre really said is his father was a royal pain in the racket, his classic early-90's puffy mullet was actually a hairpiece and he lied his way out of a failed crystal meth drug test. Wait, what? A fake mullet? Oh no, say it ain't so, Andre.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 41

2009-10-29T01:15:00.000-04:00

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

It takes a very special organization, one almost totally devoid of football talent and imagination, to make Terrell Owens irrelevant to all but the most desperate fantasy owners. Ladies and gentlemen, your Buffalo Bills. Golf clap.

Philadelphia police on Tuesday arrested Susan Finkelstein, 43, a devoted Phillies fan in way more ways than one, on prostitution charges for offering her, um, "services" on Craigslist in exchange for coveted World Series tickets. She was nabbed after describing her "offer" in detail to the undercover officer who answered the ad. Susan, Susan, Susan, you got it all wrong, girl. First you get the tickets ... Then you negotiate the price. Priorities, my dear, priorities.

Speaking of naughtiness, what in the worldwide leader of sports is going on at ESPN? Former Met GM Steve Phillips lost his baseball analyst gig this week after a 22-year-old production assistant he'd had a fling with went all Glenn Close on him. Don't worry, no bunnies got boiled. Just a routine stalking. Also in the last few years, Rich Eisen, Sean Salisbury and Harold Reynolds each got tangled up in various and sundry steamy scandals. Hell, at the rate they're getting some in Bristol, I wouldn't be surprised if www.espnxxx.com will be up and running soon.

Hey, is a Bronx Cheer redundant if it's in The Bronx?

Whoever came up with the idea of sending New England over to England is a genius on two levels. One, thank you for putting the Patriots on a plane and getting them out of the country for a week. Let Fleet Street slobber all over Tom Brady for a change and give us all a much-needed break. But more importantly, I can't think of a better "away" team to send back to Merry Old than the Pats. You know, just to remind them ... again ... who won that little intrasquad scrimmage back in 1776. Hopefully somewhere, wherever he is, King George III is muttering to himself ... Sod it all, I should have sent more redcoats over there and taught those cheeky colonies some proper manners.

Dear Charlie Manuel, I like your decision to start Pedro Martinez in Game 2 of the World Series at Yankee Stadium. Just one small piece of advice though ... Don't leave him in too long. Your friend, Grady Little.

One last nudge nudge wink wink item ... Some of the Tampa Bay Lightning players admitted this week they sometimes play a game after practice they call "naked shootout". Yep, that's right, the players take turns trying to make penalty shots and if you miss, you hafta lose a piece of practice gear until you make one. Apparently one day recently, Martin St Louis lost his jersey, arm pads, leg pads, leggings and even his skates before he finally put a biscuit in the basket. You know, there might be a few sports that could work if played in the buff. I mean, the ancient Greeks were masters of that idea. But ice hockey is definitely not one of them. Hell, I don't even want to think about 2:00 minutes for slashing. No, thank you.

See ya next time.

Footnote: She is going to get her World Series tickets after all. A local Philadelphia radio station says they've invited Susan Finkelstein to go on air where they'll present her with tickets ... and with no strings attached either. Wait, what? You mean it worked? Hard to believe, Harry.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 40

2009-10-21T23:00:00.000-04:00

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

With just half a mile to go in Sunday's Des Moines Marathon, Simon Sawe had a comfortable 10-second lead over fellow Kenyan David Tuwei. And then he didn't. And then the third-place runner caught up too ... All thanks to an Iowa freight train that apparently didn't get the memo. Good news is Sawe still won the race with a sprint to the finish once the train had passed. Bad news is nobody bothered to tell the runners this was just a ... wait for it ... training exercise. Ooh, rim shot!

The New Jersey Nets are offering a fun new promotion this NBA season called "Your Ticket To A Player". For just a mere $25,000, you get four courtside seats, free food and drinks plus parking for 10 home games. But that's not all ... You also get one (1) hour with the Nets player of your choice. He can come to your birthday party or an office social or even your kid's Bar Mitzvah, whatever you want. Me personally, I got some ceiling fans I need dusted plus some light bulbs to change.

In other hoops news, looks like the Detroit Shock are moving to Tulsa. Fine, whatever. But take a close look at the AP news item where this story first broke ...

The WNBA's Detroit Shock are moving to Tulsa, OK, a team official told The Associated Press. The official spoke on the condition of anonymity Monday because he was not authorized to make the announcement ...

What the hell does that mean? If you're not authorized to make the announcement, then why are you making the announcement? You see this all the time and nobody ever seems to suffer for it. You never hear later on that Team So-and-So fired Joe Schmoe because Joe leaked something he shouldn't have. And why all the secrecy? I mean, it's the WNBA where "We Got Next" apparently now applies to cities, not just games. Look, the Shock is either moving to Tulsa or it's not. When did chick hoops become a spy novel?

In a Week 16 game last year, Tennessee beat Pittsburgh to run their record to an NFL best 13-2. After the game though, several Titans celebrated by stomping on a Steeler Terrible Towel. They haven't won since and that includes last week's humiliating 59-0 skunkjob by the Patriots. In 2005, the Bengals did likewise and they tanked too. So is there a Curse of the Towel going on here? I dunno but I propose a rigorous scientific experiment ... First, rip up all the carpet in the visitor's locker room. Same goes for the walkway leading to Heinz Field. And then pull up all the turf on the opponent's sideline too. And then replace everything with towels. Hundreds and hundreds of Terrible Towels. Towels everywhere. And then let's see what happens.

Check this 12-year-old kid out. The dream of a lifetime ...

View more news videos at: http://www.nbcphiladelphia.com/video.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 39

2009-10-18T18:00:00.001-04:00

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

A 70-year-old golfer recently lost his arm when he reached into a pond for his ball at a Beaufort, SC golf course and a 10-foot alligator attacked him. No truth to the rumor the one-armed duffer will now mentor an SNL comedian in a Bruins jersey who uses an unorthodox hockey slapshot off the tee but gets his ass kicked by an octogenarian game show host. Of course, if that doesn't work out, he could always captain an imaginary pirate ship against a motley gang of displaced orphan boys.

This is the second year in a row the Dodgers and my beloved Phillies have met in the NLCS. They also met back in 1977 and 78. Larry Bowa played shortstop for the Phils back then. I loved Larry Bowa. Larry Bowa is now the third base coach for the Dodgers. I hate Larry Bowa. Davey Lopes played second base for the Dodgers back then. I hated Davey Lopes. Davey Lopes is now the first base coach for the Phillies. I love Davey Lopes. Jerry Seinfeld is right ... We cheer for laundry.

Note to NASCAR ... When you scrapped the old Cup series points system six years ago for the new playoff-style Chase for the Championship, you said it was cause race fans were bored with the lack of suspense down the stretch. Well, Jimmie Johnson is almost a mortal lock now to win his fourth straight Chase title. Keep up the good work on the crashes and all the nitpicky rules violations. Those are still great fun but the suspense problem is still a little loose in the turns.

Good morning, Coach Jim Zorn's office, may I ask who's calling? Jim, it's Coors Light on the phone. They want to know when you'd like to audition for one of their TV commercials featuring former NFL head coaches giving mock press conferences. Um, yes, hello again, sorry to keep you waiting ... Coach Zorn says the Redskins haven't fired him yet so he doesn't know what you're talking about. Yes, I can put you on hold.

More NASCAR ... Here in Charlotte this week, the inaugural class for the new Hall of Fame was announced. Richard Petty and Dale Earnhardt were gimmes. So was Bill France Sr, the George Halas-type founding father of stock car racing. His son, Bill France Jr, also made it for his work in exploding NASCAR onto the national scene. But my favorite choice, of course, is Junior Johnson, the old legendary backroads moonshiner who ruled the early days. No matter how many California surf gods or Indiana farm boys make their way down South, racin's roots will always be whiskey, tobacky, fried chicken bones and a basket of warm hush puppies. Mmm, pups.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 38

2009-10-15T20:00:00.000-04:00

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ..

Hey, I got an idea ... Seeing as how Halloween is coming up soon, let's scare the bejeebers out of the entire city of St Louis, most of the state of Missouri and pretty much the entire flood plain of the upper-middle Mississippi River heartland ... "Pujols in no hurry to talk extension with Cards".

Okay, we're past the quarter pole in the NFL season and one thing is abundantly clear. We are seeing perhaps the worst collection of truly godawful bad pro football teams ever. Seriously, can't anybody here play this game? The Rams, Chiefs, Bucs and Titans are all 0-5 while the Bills, Browns and Raiders are all 1-4. The Dead$kins are awful and my Panthers aren't much better. And then there's the Lions who are 1-4 themselves but at least ended their 0-19 skid. At this pace, Detroit could become the first team to go 4-12 and get the 10th draft pick. Brutal, Juice, brutal.

Speaking of the Browns that be in Cleveland, The Quarterback Formerly Known As Starting, Brady Quinn, has put his house up for sale not so coincidentally after losing his job just days before the NFL trade deadline to Derek "2-for-17" Anderson. You know, I almost feel sorry for The Not So Mighty Quinn. Yeah, he makes a lotta coin but it used to be a lot easier for a ~~holdout~~ ~~backup~~ ~~starting~~ benched quarterback to leave town. In the old days, you just tossed your cleats in the back of your VW and drove off. Now you gotta hire a realtor and get someone to empty the pool plus you need a moving van to haul all your awards and trophies. Well, maybe not a big van for that.

There's really not a whole lot I wanna say about Rush Limbaugh's ill-fated attempt to buy a chunk of the St Louis Rams. Let's just say that Rush is either a genius at self-promotion or completely tone deaf to his ability to create controversy. Yeah, I'm leaning toward genius too. Anyway, he's off the team now because the NFL wants no part of his polarizing persona. I'll tell you though, had he succeeded, his radio show would've been epic. I mean, the Rams are so bad he could've ranted his entire week just about them ...

Monday ... How socialism ruined my offensive line.
Tuesday ... My special teams unit needs a bailout.
Wednesday ... The referees are all liberals.
Thursday ... Never hire a Democrat as head coach.
Friday ... Obama made us lose.

Rest in peace, Capt Lou Albano.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 37

2009-09-28T12:00:00.007-04:00

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Terrell Owens said last week he'd like to be an actor after his football career is over. Allright, TO, let's see what kinda chops you got ... In this scene, I wanna see anger. Let's see how mad you can get. Really angry. Okay, quiet on the set and ... Action! Okay, cut. No, that's not quite it, TO. I need rage. Let me see furious. I'll tell you what ... Pretend I'm a quarterback who won't throw you the ball. Ready and ... Action! Cut! That's it! Perfect! Okay, TO, now I wanna see surprise. This time I'll throw you a pass but you drop it. This should be easy. You won't even have to act for this one.

Lakers F Lamar Odom got married over the weekend to reality TV star Khloe Kardashian. Way to be a team player, Lamar. You're the third best Laker and you married the third hottest Kardashian. Good job.

NFL Week 3 Notes ... Washington gave Detroit another bailout. The Titans (Jets) beat the Oilers (Titans). The Colts don't seem to be missing Tony Dungy very much. The Bengals finally beat the Steelers at home, the Dolphins are on their way to an impressive worst-to-first-to-worst season, the Browns are showing more fight in their locker room than on the field and Brett Favre showed us all just one more time why he's so much more enjoyable when he just shuts up and plays.

I really like and appreciate ESPN's impressive new online venture, ESPNBoston.com, a dedicated Web portal that nicely consolidates and organizes a variety of news and information concerning the Boston sports scene. It now makes it so much easier to ignore the variety of news and information concerning the Boston sports scene.

My Phillies, the defending World Series champs, are starring in a new movie, The Year of Lidging Dangerously, as last year's hero closer Brad Lidge continues to pour diesel fuel on this year's save situations. Listen, Brad, seriously, loved what you did last year. 48 saves in 48 attempts can't be topped. But you're blowing saves in the wrong city to be blowing anything in. There's still time since the Phils look safe for a playoff spot but you still might wanna call ahead and get a quote on a moving van. And ask for a fast one. Just in case.

So here's what we know after a month of college football ... Poodle Pete's SoCal Trojans honked their title shot. So did Okie State, Penn State, Cal and Ole Miss. Defending mythical champ Florida is chomping on cupcakes but looked beatable against mouthy Tennessee. Meanwhile, Michigan's got a 19-year-old true freshman, Tate Forcier, running around making storybook quarterback plays in the Big House. Just a hunch but I'm guessing the kid won't have a problem getting a bid to pledge a U-M frat. He probably won't do too bad at the U-M sororities either.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 36

2009-09-23T15:00:00.007-04:00

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Most NFL teams fine players for all kinds of Mickey Mouse stuff. If you're five minutes late to a meeting or forget to wear a tie on the plane, next week's front office doughnuts are on you. Some teams though go the extra mile. After one player left his hotel room without paying for a $3 bottle of water, Cleveland Browns coach Eric Mangini fined him $1,701. He could've just deducted $3 from the player's next game check but instead Mangini carefully calculated the absolute maximum amount he could collect according to league rules. Way to build good chemistry there, coach. And way to get the league's first ever dry Gatorade bath if you ever do win a big game.

Actually, there's probably a better reason why Eric Mangini is cracking down on unpaid bottles of acqua. Seeing as how the league docked the ex-Jets coach 25 boxes of ziti for hiding Brett Favre's arm injury last year, the new Don in Cleveland must need to skim a little more vig from some of his big earners so he can make his nut and pay off New York. A fanabla.

After the double embarrassment of losing to Boise State and then suspending their star running back, the Oregon Ducks couldn't sink much lower. And now they're out $439 too. One unhappy Duck alum wrote a scathing letter to coach Chip Kelly and even included an invoice for his travel expenses up to Idaho. To which Kelly attached his personal check and sent it back. Honestly, I didn't think that would work but all right then ...

Dear Eagles, enclosed please find an invoice for eleventy three gazillion dollars to cover tickets, parking, tolls, gas, concessions and personal anguish with interest for coughing up that 23-0 lead with 8:27 to play in the 4th quarter and losing 28-23 to the Vikings at The Vet back on December 1, 1985. No, I haven't forgotten. There's no effing way Jaworski should've run that naked boot ... which he fumbled for one score ... and I still don't understand how Anthony Carter got behind the deep prevent twice for two more scores. Please make check payable to Section 719, Row 14, Seats 19-20. Thank you. P.S. Just in case you've forgotten ...

http://www.pro-football-reference.com/boxscores/198512010phi.htm

Dear New Cowboys Stadium, congratulations on setting an NFL regular season attendance record of 105,121 at your debut this past Sunday night against the Jints. We've been sitting that many college fans for decades and without 30,000 SRO's who couldn't see anything but stetsons and shoulders in every direction too. Best regards, Penn State Beaver Stadium, Michigan Stadium, Ohio State Stadium, Tennessee Neyland Stadium and Texas Longhorn Stadium.

NFL Week 2 Notes ... The J-E-T-S won Super Bowl 43 1/8th with a self-proclaimed epic regular season win over their hated rival Patriots. Tony Romo pretended the Pokes home opener was a playoff game. The Jagwires unveiled new home uniforms in front of old empty seats. Ray Lewis demonstrated just how easy it is to tackle a back when nobody blocks him. And Chad "Child, Please" Ochocinco did the Lambeau Leap right into a seething pit of Lambeau middle fingers. Straight up, yo.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 35

2009-09-16T18:30:00.001-04:00

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

That was quite the slobberfest that broke out last week after Derek Jeter tied and then passed Lou Gehrig for most career hits as a New York Yankee. Jeter's new pinstripe record is 2,722 and counting. Let's see now, that's 1,178 fewer hits than Ty Cobb had with the Tigers, 908 fewer hits than Stan Musial had with the Cards and 697 fewer hits than Carl Yastrzemski had with the Red Sox. Nah, there wasn't any media hype over Jeter's new mark. Okay, maybe a little. I'm sure the fact Derek plays in New York is just a coincidence, right?

For his own personal safety, I wonder if Jamie Foxx is now rethinking that whole "Serena, let me be your tennis ball" thing. Look, I think Serena Williams is all that and a bag of chips. But she's gonna hafta take her lady lumps for nearly scaring that poor lineswoman half to death in the US Open semis against eventual champ Kim Clijsters. From the replay, it looked like a bad call but I wouldn't blame her if she never called another foot fault again in her life. Serena, please don't hurt me with that ball.

Speaking of tennis, that was a sweet upset win by Argentina's Juan Martin del Potro over 5-time defending US Open champ and tennis machine Roger Federer. And if you had unseeded comeback mommy Kim Clijsters and sixth-seeded del Potro in your US Open fantasy pool, I'd really like to sit down and have a talk with you. I got some lottery tickets here that need help.

Here's a nice little story ... For 43 years, Bob Fulton was South Carolina's "Voice of the Gamecocks". Fulton, who retired in 1995, is 88 now and recently spent two weeks in a physical rehab clinic after a fall at home. His roommate there, a fellow Gamecock fan, was blind and asked Bob if he could call the game on TV against NC State for him. And so he did. Just like old times. Pretty soon a crowd of nurses, visitors and other patients gathered around the set to listen to the legend. The Cocks won that game but Bob was discharged from the center before the next game, last Saturday's loss to No. 23 Georgia. Which is just as well, I suppose. Even a blind man could see that one coming.

Hi, honey, I'm home and I brought the pizza. Oh hi, Eric, what kind did you get? I can't say. It's a secret that I will reveal to the entire family just as we sit down to eat. Okay, Eric, that's fine, sweetie, but let me ask you something. Last week, you refused to announce your pick to start for the Browns at QB, Brady Quinn or Derek Anderson. Remember you said you wanted to keep the Vikings guessing right up until game time? Well, they didn't really care and I don't either. So just put whatever crappy pizza you got, Papa Johns or Pizza Hut, on the table and wash up. Thanks, honey.

NFL Week 1 Notes ... The Bungles bungled. The Dead$kins went right back to last place. The Lions did not win. Jake Delhomme imploded, exploded and deploded. The Cardinals fouled their nest. The Texans took another significant step toward 8-8. Jay Cutler showed he knows how to play quarterback for the Bears. Nobody cares about the Rams. And TO now understands what playing for the Bills is all about. In other words, not a whole helluva lot has changed in the Enn Eff Ell. Welcome back.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 34

2009-09-10T22:00:00.001-04:00

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

How come home team fans always boo and yell "Balk!" when the opposing pitcher fakes a pickoff throw? Any time, any base, any move. If the bad guy fakes a throw, fans holler for the balk. Every time without fail. Has this ever worked? Has any paid professional umpire, in the recorded history of organized baseball, ever said to himself ... "You know what, these 35,000 fans, even the ones way up there in the cheap seats, can see this game much better than me and my fellow bluemen. They're right, that was a balk. Runners advance."

A group called Main Line Animal Rescue put an ad in the Washington Post this week offering to donate five bags of dog food to a local DC animal shelter for each time the Redskins sack Michael Vick during the Skins home game against the Iggles in October. Man, I love meaningless symbolic gestures like this. I mean, the dogs don't have a clue where dog food comes from, Vick certainly doesn't care and yet the animal lovers still have something to feel good about. Oh yeah, coming out, puppy needs a new bowl of food.

Here's a new rule Bill Maher-style ... New Rule: Stay away from any celebrity chick who changes her last name to a hard liquor. Yep, that means you, Shawne Merriman. I admit I don't know who Tila Tequila is but that name says all you need to know. I mean, if you just gotta hang with booze babes, try spending quality time with Betty Budweiser or Zoe Zinfandel instead. Those ladies typically don't get you arrested for battery and false imprisonment a week before the NFL season kicks off. Better yet, Shawne, have some Wendy Water or Paula Pepsi.

And speaking of Shawne, we need another new rule. There are too many athletes with too many different ways of spelling that name. Besides Merriman, there's gymnast Shawn Johnson, snowboarder Shaun White, hockey player Shean Donovan, Saints coach Sean Payton and an assortment of lesser known Shons, Seanns and Shaans. And then of course there's Angels 3B Chone Figgins. I'll admit when he first came up I thought it was "Chone" as in "phone" but n'uh-uh, Chone is a Sean. Or a Shaun. Or whatever.

Teenage sensation Melanie Oudin's upset run at the US Open ended in a quarterfinals loss to some Danish babe (bjabe?) but perhaps that's a good thing for the New York City hospitality industry. Seems Miss Oudin hadn't expected to make it as far as the Open's second week so her reservations at the Manhattan Marriott Marquis were for one week only. When they asked her to leave, she had to move to another hotel leaving embarrassed Marriott staffers with chicken embryos on their corporate faces. The lesson as always ... Don't count your check-ins before the match. Sorry, couldn't resist.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 1, Volume 1, Special Issue 1

2009-09-04T16:42:00.007-04:00

Ten years ago, during Labor Day Weekend of September 1999, I took my family for a "little" drive. Here's the travel diary of that odyssey from the old Monday Morning Noter archives. Note: the quarterback for Michigan that day was a senior named Tom Brady. I think things have worked out pretty good for him. Enjoy ...

Tuesday, 7-Sep-1999

Last Wednesday morning on my drive in to work, Charlotte's local sports radio station WFNZ held an hour-long contest looking for the caller with the best sports road trip story. Winner to receive two tix on the 50-yard line at the Big House in Ann Arbor, MI for Saturday's clash between the Michigan Wolverines and the Notre Dame Fighting Irish. So, I flipped open my cell phone, punched in the number and within minutes was scoring points recounting an old 1978-79 New Years in New Orleans frat boy trip to see some Wahoo hoops and a national champeenship Sugar Bowl game.

Thought I had a decent chance to score the tix and indeed got the winning call about an hour or so later. Turns out the radio folks especially liked the part about drinking way too many hurricanes at Pat O'Brien's. Go figure. Anyway, now came the hard part. Here I am with two to-die-for football tickets and 600 miles of concrete between me and the seats. A quick call to USAirways confirmed that cheap flights to Detroit were already gone so it was either give them away, eat them or ... road trip. Tried giving them away but got no real serious takers although my brother-in-law, a rabid Golden Domer, just about slit his wrists when he had to turn 'em down. Didn't really wanna eat 'em so I called sweetie pie and little by little we maneuvered into one of those oh-what-the-hell decisions you remember the rest of your lives.

Road trip.

Kids were all bubbly when we clued them in Wednesday night and they immediately started negotiating trip accords. Thought I was in the middle of the UN Security Council. Somebody dealt away their Walkman usage rights in exchange for a solo backseat with pillow while somebody else took control of munchie maintenance in exchange for stuffed animal selection rights. Finally they got it all settled and each started packing their typical young girl's mountain of stuff. Barrettes and bows, polish for toes, swimsuits and shoelaces, diaries and jewel cases. George Carlin is right. Wherever we go, we have to bring our "stuff" with us.

Next day, Thursday, I stopped by the radio station to pick up the tix on my way to the Panthers' final pre-season game against New England. At the game, I got the idea to pick up a Panthers #21 Tshimanga Biakabutuka jersey for Becky, my middle daughter, to wear to the game. I figured since Biakabutuka is still a Michigan legend, his pro jersey would get her some friendly looks from Wolverine faithful. More on this idea later.

So, Friday comes and we pull the kids outta school about an hour early with designs on hitting the road about maybe 2:00 pm on our way to Michigan. Well, as you can guess, 2:00 pm became 4:30 pm in a hurry. Had to pick up this prescription, mail that bill, gas up here, drop off a video there and so on. We had a hotel room reserved in Ann Arbor for that night but there was no way we'd make it by that time. Especially since Charlotte holiday getaway rush hour was just about ready to crush any hopes of doing double digit speeds. By 6:00 pm, we were still in Mecklenburg County and we had no choice but to call the hotel and cancel the first night.

Thought we might be able to make central Ohio with the remaining driveable hours but NC DOT had other ideas as a massive I-77 construction makeover at the Virginia border jammed everything up for a solid 45 minutes. So West By God Virginia it would be for Night No. 1. Did see a lot of cars heading south on I-77 flying green Marshall flags on their way to Clemson to play the Tigers. That's an easy program to root for given their heart-warming rebuilding of their beloved Thundering Herd after that tragic 1970 plane crash.

Finally stopped around midnight at a little Holiday Inn Express a half hour west of Charleston, WV. Didn't get to see much of West Virginia in the dark but the mountain roads were pretty cool to drive on. Although there are some patches where the 70 mph speed limit is way too thrilling to tempt. That's a new experience ... Actually too timid to risk the posted speed limit. Weird.

Next day is game day and we still got six or more hours to go for a 3:30 pm kickoff so had to boot the brood outta bed early. Soon had everybody reseated, refueled and properly donutized and off we headed west to Ohio. In thick black bean soup fog. Along a single lane country road. But it burned off soon enough and within half an hour we were across the Ohio River and heading northeast towards Columbus and points beyond.

Ohio is a lot more beautiful than I had imagined. Acres and acres of flat but majestic farmland. Corn and soybeans for the most part but every little town has its own set of massive concrete grain silos. Bob Evans Restaurants every five miles or so and Marathon Oil gas stations in every little town. Made the beltway around Columbus in a little over 3 hours and then headed due north to Toledo. Went through a couple of great small towns ... Kenton, Dunkirk, Arlington ... along a single-lane state road. The kind of places you just know a hundred years ago used to have a Memorial Day parade every year to honor their surviving Civil War heroes.

And so after another hour or so, we came up on the home of the Mud Hens and started seeing signs for Ann Arbor. By my watch, we'd roll into town about two hours before kickoff. Plenty of time to grab some lunch, check in to our hotel and hop the shuttle to the game. And, luckily enough, that's exactly what happened. Before long, Becky and I were on the shuttle and we started getting pumped up for the big game.

And what an absolutely mind-boggling stadium ... Calling it huge is an understatement. Once we picked our jaws off the ground, we made our way to our seats and they were every bit as good as advertised. Fifty-yard line, 22 rows up right behind the Notre Dame bench. We were so close I even wondered if I'd need my trusty binoculars. But I did indeed take them out and I swear I could almost read lips in the huddle. Fans were rocking, joint was jumping, blimp was blimping, this was it.

Becky's Biakabutuka jersey was a big hit. All the fans around her smiled and shook her hand or patted her back. One young guy walked by, stopped, looked at her and said ... "Tshimanga. Cool." and then kept going. Michigan fans are extremely knowledgeable about their team and college football in general. It was a brand new experience for me to sit with fans who expect to win a national championship each and every season. And the place was absolutely jammed full. A new modern day NCAA record of 111,523 people in attendance. With at least one Virginia fan who sure cheered that 20-17 final score over the Tar Heels by God.

The game itself was intense. Momentum swings all day long with six lead changes. First, Michigan scored two quick FG's but their failure to score six seemed to energize Notre Dame who responded with a beautiful pitch reverse for a score to their little scatback Joey Getherall who was easily their most exciting player. Second quarter saw another U-M field goal and a Jarius Jackson keeper for another Irish touchdown as the half ended with Notre Dame up 14-9.

Second half saw the Wolverines tally 10 points to go up 19-14 but the Irish scored a gorgeous touchdown on a 4th down play-action pass to a wide open tight end with about 4 minutes to play. Then the game took a strange turn as the Irish scored a two-point conversion but took a 15 yard penalty for an excessive celebration call in the end zone. Bogus call but it gave U-M great kickoff field position. Then the Wolverines got another break when a late hit on a sideline pass play cost the Irish another 15 yards.

Finally, with a little over a minute to go, Michigan tailback Anthony Thomas bulled in from a yard out and the 26-22 final score was set although Notre Dame did end the game deep in Michigan territory but out of time and short of a first down. The Wolverines mobbed the field and the fans were dancing in their seats. Another great game in a great Midwest rivalry.

So, Becky and I slowly made our way out of the Big House and we stopped at a souvenir stand to pick up a Michigan T-shirt for her. I told her she could pick out anything she wanted provided I thought it looked good and wasn't too terribly expensive. The kid's got pretty good taste in clothes so I knew she'd pick something out that looked good. I just hoped it wouldn't bend my Amex card any more than it had already suffered.

But she came back from a shirt rack with a nice yellow one with blue "MICHIGAN" in block letters across the front. Nice, simple and classy. However, as she held it up, I noticed it was a long sleeve shirt so, forgetting where I was, I said to her ... "Becky, are you sure you want a long sleeve shirt ??? You won't be able to wear that until the winter, you know." And the lady standing next to me said ... "Oh, but that'll be here real soon." And with a smile, I gently turned and said to her ... "Not in Carolina it won't". And so we checked out, long sleeve shirt and all and pretty soon we were on the return shuttle for a hotel rendezvous with the rest of the family.

We pretty much crashed the rest of the evening in the hotel ... Kids went swimming and got all jiggy when we let them order room service which was surprisingly inexpensive. And so we all eventually turned in and caught a full night's worth of well-earned snooze.

And here came Sunday ... Canada Day on our itinerary. I knew as soon as we decided to make the trip that a quick jaunt into Windsor, Ontario was in order for Sunday. Kids thought that was just the coolest idea they'd ever heard. Ann Arbor is about 35-40 minutes away from Detroit so it was no biggie to cross the bridge and visit our northern neighbors for a spell. We found a delightful little park by the riverside and camped out there for a coupla hours watching the pleasure boats vie with the industrial freighters in the Detroit River connecting Lake Huron and Lake Erie. Nice cool breeze and not a cloud in the sky.

And so by mid-afternoon, we were ready to head back south. Crossed back over the river using the tunnel this time and had to negotiate a few inner city Detroit streets before we found I-75 again. Passed by Cobo and Joe Louis and Tiger Stadium ... which I did not realize was painted bright white on the outside. Within an hour, we were back in Toledo and seeing the same roads as the day before from the opposite direction. Back through Marysville, Columbus, Chillicothe, Gallipolis and on into West Virginia again.

Got up Monday morning and brought it on home. Same traffic mess at the VA-NC border but too tired to piss and moan about something we had no control over anyway. Rolled on into our SC driveway late afternoon and got all the required dog and cat welcome home greetings. One thousand, three hundred, eighty-one miles and seven-tenths. Four days. Two countries. Sixty minutes of pigskin heaven. Wallet stuffed full of Amex receipts. Feet sore. Kids pumped to tell their school pals about their weekend. Memories to last forever.

Maybe in twenty years I can use this road trip story to win another one.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 33

2009-09-02T17:30:00.002-04:00

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

You know, I really can't think of a better way for ESPN eye candy Erin Andrews to put that awful hotel peephole incident behind her than an in-depth, exclusive appearance up next on Oprah. I mean, why should Erin keep her pain confined to just us sports fans when she can share the hurt with millions of Lt. General Winfrey's loyal troops, many of whom have never even heard of ESPN let alone Ms. Andrews. Clearly, this is the best way she can begin the healing process. Well, unless maybe a book deal or a movie pitch comes along. And if that doesn't work, she could just post the tape on YouTube and pray it ~~does~~ doesn't go viral. That'll give her closure, for sure.

Nice crackback block, Brett Favre. Did you forget the rule on illegal blocks behind the knees while you were {cough} retired? Ah, that's okay, don't worry about it. Besides, I think you're about to be reacquainted with it anyway.

Unable to find a new NFL team, famous bad boy Adam "Pacman" Jones signed a deal to play for the Winnipeg Blue Bombers of the CFL which still has ten weeks left in its season. Couple words of advice for Jones ... Get used to watching hockey. Lots and lots of hockey. Also, bacon is round up there and the national anthem is actually a pretty decent tune. The money is easy enough to figure out and Winnipeg speaks English so you're good there as well. Just be careful if you get invited to a beaver hunt. You might be disappointed if you're expecting your usual hangout.

Okay, first things first ... Every big time famous college football program violates the NCAA's silly rules on practice time limits. There's not one team out there that practices 20 hours or less per week like they're supposed to. Because if they did, they'd be an 0-12 lock and not a single NFL scout would call or write. But it takes a special program, the Michigan Wolverines, and a special coach, Rich Rodriguez, to provoke his players into self-reporting the violation. Think about that ... They hate him so much they actually complained about playing too much football. Nicely done, Coach. That's new ground.

How come surgeons who operate on athletes always say the surgery was a success? I mean, you never hear a jock doc come out of the operating room and say "Well, shoot, that didn't work. He's done." They always say everything went just fine with the patient expected to make a full recovery. Never a half recovery, always a full recovery. I swear if I ever need an operation, I'm gonna ask for a sports surgeon no matter what's wrong with me. I need my appendix removed? Fine, but I want a cutter who puts blown knees and shredded elbows back together, thanks.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 32

2009-08-30T16:30:00.005-04:00

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Hats off to Christie Rampone, player-coach and captain of Sky Blue FC, the first champion of the brand new Women's Professional Soccer League. Rampone, who also captains the US national team, led her squad to upset playoff wins over the league's top three teams all on the road and all in just eight days. But when the champagne corks were popped and her giddy teammates noticed she wasn't getting all bubbly with them, that's when Christie had to let them in on her real news. Yep, you got it ... Mrs Rampone is 11 weeks pregnant. Minivan or no minivan, that's a soccer mom.

Michael Vick's line from the Eagles pre-season game against Jacksonville ... Six plays, 4 passes for 19 yards, 1 run for 1 yard. Donovan McNabb's line ... "Putting him in and taking me out disrupts the flow of the offense and hurts our rhythm." Yeah, this is gonna go well.

Carowinds, an amusement park here in Charlotte, announced this week a new roller coaster ride set to debut next summer. Say hello to The Intimidator, a 232-foot-high monster with a top speed of 80 mph. The thrill ride is named after the late great NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Sr and features seven steep drops, one for each of Earnhardt's Winston Cup championships. What they didn't say is they also send out the black No. 3 car right after yours to ride your sorry ass and bump you off the ride if you don't move over and let him pass. Hey, rubbin' is racin'.

No truth to the rumor that Carowinds is also planning a Dale Earnhardt Jr roller coaster that'll be the most popular ride in the entire park but will have no steep drops plus it'll develop engine trouble and whine about its stepmother.

Boy, it's nice to see Isiah Thomas back and causing problems again. Last seen turning the New York Knicks into a bad sitcom, Thomas is now head coach at little Florida International. Seems he thought his Golden Panthers were all set to play Ohio State in the season-opening Coaches vs Cancer Tournament. Thomas even said his team welcomed the tough challenge. Not so fast there, Zeke. Turns out FIU is playing defending champ North Carolina instead so now Isiah is miffed and threatening to stay home. So in other words, when it's for a worthwhile cause, it's okay to get your ass kicked but it's not okay to get it thoroughly abused. Got it, thanks.

Back in May, the Denver Nuggets had a scheduling conflict with the WWE. Game 4 of the Western Conference finals at home against the Lakers was scheduled for the same night as Monday Night Raw. But after a bit of his usual bluster, Vince McMahon packed up and left town. Winner: Nuggets. The Atlanta Dream is a WNBA team looking for its first playoff berth. But they too have a scheduling problem as Sesame Street Live! is booked at Phillips Arena just as the playoffs begin. Guess who has to move this time? That's right, ladies, you do not bump the Muppets. Winner: Elmo.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 31

2009-08-25T09:30:00.002-04:00

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Former Jints WR Plaxico Burress pleaded guilty to gun charges last week and will now spend two years in a New York state prison. His lawyer later said Burress has hired a prison coach who will ... and I quote ... "address and advise us, Mr. Burress and his family, on what to expect while incarcerated, and how to use his period of confinement as productively as possible." Ah, you coulda saved your money, Plax. Really, here's all you need to know ... First, stay away from The Sisters. Then make friends with the guy who can get you things. Next, do all the guards' tax returns. And then hang a big poster of Rita Hayworth in your cell. Easy, peasy, Japanese-y.

I'm telling you, the Dawn of the Twitter Age is going to revolutionize the sports world. Hell, it's already happening as last week Miami Heat F Michael Beasley tweeted a twitpic ... try saying that three times fast ... of his sweet new back ink. Unfortunately for him, the aforementioned photo also showed Michael's sweet bag of the kind bud on the kitchen table behind him. And so now the story is Beasley has checked into a Houston rehab facility. Let's hope they add a 13th step to his recovery program ... Put Your Weed Away Before You Tweet.

This just in from our Reinforcing Sports Stereotypes Bureau ... Pro wrestler Kurt Angle was caught and charged with possession of HGH. And suspended NASCAR driver Jeremy Mayfield, who's already twice tested positive for methamphetamines, had his estranged stepmother arrested for trespassing after she showed up hammered at his home. The same stepmom who is NASCAR's principal witness against Mayfield. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.

The Chicago Cubs were finally sold this week to the billionaire Ricketts family for a cool $900 million dollars. J Joseph Ricketts is the patriarch of the Omaha, NE family who made their fortune starting up a small investment firm that later grew into TD Ameritrade, the big online brokerage firm. I'm sure the new owners will uphold the fine tradition of family ownership of the Cubs but this deal is still a puzzler. I mean, they're rich stockbrokers, right? Aren't they supposed to know how to pick winners?

The Pokes opened up their new $1.2 billion dollar playpen last week with a pre-season game against the Titans and, wouldn't you know it, there are still a few bugs to be worked out. Like for instance, the 60-yard-long, everything-is-bigger-in-Texas video screen that apparently nobody tested to see if a punter could hit. Um, yes, they can and now Dallas owner Jerry Jones will likely be asked to spend another $2,000,000 to raise the massive board out of reach. As you can guess, Double-J hates that idea but he won't have much choice. Besides, it's not like he's never had anything lifted before ...

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 30

2009-08-19T16:00:00.003-04:00

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Florida, defending mythical national champion Florida, is a 73 point favorite over Charleston Southern, a small Big South school and an afterthought even in Charleston, for their September 5th chompdown in The Swamp. Let's go to the math on this ... CharSou could give up 10 touchdowns and 10 extra points but ... but ... if they block a field goal, the Buccaneers will beat the spread. Go Bucs! Block that kick! Collect that check! {Yeah, I know, you're right, take the Gators.}

After all these years, all those trophies, all those soul-crushing, red shirt, back nine beatdowns, Tiger Woods finally coughed up a 54-hole lead in a major and lost the PGA to ... Yang Yong-eun. Not Phil, not Sergio, not Vijay, not Padraig but Y.E., the 110th ranked golfer in the world. Not only that but Yang was paired with El Tigre on Sunday and that turns most golfer's knees to shrimp and grits. And to top it all off, Y.E. took the lead on 14 with the same sort of ridiculous pitch for eagle that Woods normally destroys his foes with. Nicely done, Mr Yang. Have fun cashing that big check.

In last year's Olympic 100 meter final, Usain Bolt started celebrating early and yet still set a new world record of 9.69 seconds. Almost immediately, some folks wondered what Bolt woulda coulda shoulda run had he not eased up. Some cynics speculated he might've been saving a few 100ths just so he could collect the bonus that comes with each new record. Well, Bolt's bank account is just a little stouter now after his 9.58 at the Worlds in Berlin. The bonus isn't all that much ... just $100,000 ... but that's still $9,090.90 per chopped hundredth. Man, that's fast work.

How fast? Well, considering that NFL scouts and coaches literally drool over 40-yard dash times of 4.25 or so, Bolt's 9.58 would have stopped their watches after 3.5 seconds in the 40. Three point five in the 40. Hell, Bolt is already 6-5 and buffed. All he would need is good hands and a fly pattern and it'd be game over in the Enn Eff Ell.

Okay, here's my impression of sports media coverage over the last few days ... {inhale deep breath} ... Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Yang Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Bolt Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick ... {inhale} ... Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre ... {and exhale}.

A few photos surfaced last week showing Texas OF Josh Hamilton falling off the sobriety wagon back in January in a Tempe, AZ bar. His fall is notable, of course, because Hamilton almost squandered a serious boatload of baseball talent to drugs and swill before finding his way back through his faith and, to be fair, a really sweet left-handed power swing. It's a good story, it really is. Redemption, salvation, devotion, all the -tion's we believe make the difference. There's just one small problem here ... How come Josh looks like he's having so much fun in that bar?

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 29

2009-08-14T14:00:00.002-04:00

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

On Wednesday night, one of those cute and cuddly Cubs bleacher fans tossed a cup of beer on Phillies CF Shane Victorino as he was making a catch near the wall. And then ... and this is just adorable ... the beerchucker pointed at someone else who was quickly whisked away by Chicago's finest. I guess now we know how Al Capone avoided arrest for so long. Anyway, after careful forensic photo analysis ... back and to the left, back and to the left, back and to the left ... the guy turned himself in to face charges. Hopefully, he'll be sentenced to watching more Cubs games.

And so Rick "Success Is A Choice But Apparently Adultery Is Not" Pitino is in a sex scandal. Extortion, abortion, distortion, whatever. It's as tawdry (and as unsurprising) as any other jock screwup. Hell, Pitino's got a great reputation for getting guys ready for the NBA. Maybe this was just another hands-on demonstration. But here's where it gets weird ... Coach Pitino had been invited to speak next month at Samford University Law School. But now that he's Coach Paternity, the school quickly ditched his speech. Which makes no sense, I mean, now he's got a legal issue to talk about, right?

More college news ... The NCAA punished yet another scalawag rogue program. This time it was that noted basketball factory, Southeast Missouri State, who felt the wrath of The Lords of Absurdity. Let's see now ... All hoops wins from 2006 through 2008. Poof. Gone baby gone because an assistant gave a player a ride to see his newborn baby. Another player got $239 to cover some unpaid admin fees. Also, three years of probee cause the coaches "observed out-of-season pickup games". Oh but that's not all ... A booster also paid the tuition for a former women's team player who needed one extra semester to get her degree. The nerve of some people.

And so The Michael Vick Experience at long last has landed in Philadelphia. I sure hope the Iggles know what they're doing. Last time they had a high profile, high maintenance, high energy guy in the locker room {cough} TO {cough}, they got off to a good start but later on it blew up like a gag cigar. One thing about Philly fans though ... If by some miracle of miracles, Michael Dwayne Vick actually helps bring home one (1) certified genuine Vince Lombardi Trophy to the COBL, he could light a box of puppies on fire in the middle of Broad Street and they'd give him a parade ... And then kick the ever living crap out of him.

Rumors are out that actress Kate Hudson wants boyfriend Alex Rodriguez to give her a little bundle of joy. Supposedly, she's even willing to pay for everything. Kate, sweetie, that's not the issue. Pay Rod's got plenty of spare coin laying around. The real problem is everybody knows the Yankee slugger is prone to pop out in the clutch. Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week. Try the veal.

Rest in peace, Eunice Kennedy Shriver. Thanks for the Special Olympics.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 28

2009-08-08T17:30:00.000-04:00

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

This may be heresy but I worry that we fans are risking ovation inflation. When a big league pitcher throws 6 or 7 shutout innings, gives up a few hits, a coupla walks and then has to leave because his pitch count's at 105, that's called doing his job. A standing O, in this case, is standing overkill. We need to save the Big O's for no-hitters, playoff clinchers and the like. Same thing goes for the curtain call. Hitting a home run to make the score 6-2 in the third inning does not merit an applause shower. Save it for the big knocks. Like every other time Albert Pujols is up.

Appalachian State star QB Armanti Edwards is out 2-4 weeks after cutting his foot while mowing his lawn. As a freshman, Edwards led App State to that truly epic upset over Michigan in the Big House and from there went on to help the Mountaineers win their second and third straight Division 1-AA national titles. You know, I think the lesson here is obvious and hopefully, future young players can learn from Edwards' mistake ... Always go to a Division 1-A school. Somebody there will cut your lawn for you.

Tell me again why the NFL season should expand to 18 games? Training camps weren't open a week and already several players have suffered season-ending boo-boos. Everything from shredded knees to exploded tendons. Even with most teams seldom practicing live plays in full pads anymore, they're still dropping like an Aerosmith lead singer. At first, the idea of two more real football games sounds sweet but not if we have to watch a pair of M*A*S*H units going at it. Keep it at 16. Besides, Lions fans have already suffered enough.

More on the Enn Eff Ell ... Mark it down, this season will be like no other the league has ever seen. But I'm not talking on the field. No, we're at the dawn of the Twitter Age. The NFL sets the bar as far as information control is concerned but the Twitter genie is out of the bottle. Just this week, the Chargers fined Antonio Cromartie for tweeting about sucky camp food. But with lotsa players on each team happily twittering away, it won't be long before something really big explodes. You think the Browns might disinfect their locker room a little better now that "I got a staph infection" fits nicely in a tweet. Yeah, I think so too.

Rest in peace, Arena Football League. Nothing lasts forever but you guys lasted exactly 22 years longer than the experts said you would. Next up for the failure roll of honor is the UFL. Have fun, guys. Good luck with your bankruptcy filing.

I'm not sure but I think this is how the Olympic sport of ski jumping got started. Except there was snow. And beer. Lots of beer. Enjoy ...

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 27

2009-08-02T15:30:00.002-04:00

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

NC State football coach Tom O'Brien complained about his team's schedule at last week's ACC pre-season mediapalooza. Seems he doesn't feel his Wolfpack should have to play rival North Carolina the week before the ACC Champeenship game. O'Brien thinks the title tilt should never be a rematch from the previous week and he wants the conference to make sure it can't happen. Not to worry, Tom. I think they've already figured out you and Butch Davis are gonna do that on your own.

Also noted at the ACC press gig, all 12 coaches expect big things from their teams this year. The kids have been working really hard and they've been giving it 110% in practice. If things go well, this could be a really special year for us. But there's a lot of football left to be played and we have a tough road ahead of us. There are a lot of good teams out there and that ball, you know, it takes some funny bounces sometimes so we're just going to play 'em one game at a time and let the chips fall where they may. The good Lord willing, I think we'll be all right.

Translation: We don't have a prayer. I told the AD I needed a private jet to recruit that hotshot running back but it wasn't in the budget. Also, unless my dadgum quarterback can pass remedial wood shop, I'm gonna hafta play the freshman back there and he only knows about six plays. Meanwhile, my All-American linebacker is sweating out a paternity suit, my kicker tore his ACL in a dorm prank and we open with three road games in a row against top 10 teams. I'll be lucky if I still have this job in December.

Okay, now that we know what put the "Big" in Big Papi, can we move on now? Or do we need to go through this faucet dripping torture one agonizing, steroid-using, fallen boyhood idol at a time? I think we get it now ... As long as all that big coin kept coming in, the Lords of Baseball blissfully looked the other way while the players, who treated their butts like pin cushions, took a dump on the holy record books while we watched in naive wonder. Message received. Everyone was juiced and nobody cared. Let's move on. Um, who's pitching tonight?

Wait a minute, the ESPN X Games are 15 years old? Man, that's a helluva long time for a manufactured niche event like that. Hell, the Chinese have gymnasts younger than the X Games. No doubt I'll celebrate XG15 by skipping it like every other year but I'll tell you what I would be tempted to watch ... The Special X Games. Oh come on, you know you just giggled.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 26

2009-07-30T14:30:00.002-04:00

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

When asked whether he thought the NFL should reinstate Michael Vick now or keep him suspended for several more games, Terrell Owens had this to say ... "I don't think it's really fair for him to be suspended four more games. It's almost like kicking a dead horse to the ground." Almost, TO, but not quite ... It's actually more like drowning, electrocuting and slamming a dead dog to the ground. Gotta keep your metaphors tight, big guy.

In the Pop Culture grid of this week's Sports Illustrated issue under the column heading "Person I'm Dying To Interview", Fish pitcher Josh Johnson replied ... "Kirby Puckett. One of my idols growing up." Ah, maybe someday you'll get that interview, Josh, but it won't be on this plane of existence as the immortal Twin got called up to The Big Ballclub In The Sky over three years ago. Pick again, Josh.

And so Brett Favre says he'll stay retired. Yeah, right, sure you will, Brett. Good one. Pull this leg and it whistles "Dixie". Look, unless we get all the way to Sunday of Week 1 at 1:00pm with no sign of Purple No. 4 anywhere, I'm not buying it. And that's cause any time any QB on any NFL team tweaks an ankle, bends an elbow, shrugs a shoulder, flexes a knee or bangs a thumb, Brett Favre's cell is gonna ring, buzz, shake or sing. I mean, at this point, even Mick Jagger and Keith Richards must be wondering why Favre won't quit.

In New York, both Putz and Wang are on the disabled list, the DL. Or in their case, the EDL. Sorry, couldn't resist.

I understand the Tour de France is a ridiculously grueling event. And we can argue all day long about what exactly these super-endurance races actually prove other than some people will somehow train themselves to do them. But here's what I can't grasp ... How in the world do you pedal for three weeks up, down and all over one of the most beautiful landscapes on the planet and all you get to see are your handlebars, your front tire and the bike shorts of the guy in front of you? As Master Yoda would say ... Sense not make this does.

All right, settle down, I think we're all here so let's take seats. I'd like to welcome you all to the Pittsburgh Pirates Mid-Summer 2009 Strategy Meeting. Item No. 1 on the agenda ... The Steelers open up training camp in just a few days. What do we do? Okay, let's see some ideas, people. Trade Adam LaRoche to the Red Sox? Didn't we send Jason Bay to them last year? Never mind, it's brilliant. I love it. Make the call. Okay, next ... Trade Jack Wilson and Freddy Sanchez? Wait, aren't they our double play combo? Whatever, I like it. Do it. Wow, I'm getting goosebumps here. You guys are on fire. What else you got?

Rest in peace, Jim Johnson. And you too, Vernon Forrest.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 25

2009-07-24T21:45:00.005-04:00

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Well, here we are two years later and Michael "Pooch Punt" Vick is finally free. His sentence for dog fighting crimes has been served in full so now he's free to rejoin society as a changed man. And what better place to celebrate your first night of freedom than a Virginia Beach strip club with your friend, Allen Iverson. Now to be fair, Vick's lawyer denies the story but even if he was there, I'm sure AI will try to convince Mike it didn't count. I mean, it was just a practice stripper, man. Not a real stripper. Not a real stripper. We talkin' about practice, man. Practice.

Last time out, we wondered if the NFL isn't pushing its massive appeal too far by drowning us in too many pre-season telecasts. Now I'm convinced the league is tempting fate with this week's announcement that the 2010 NFL Draft will stretch from two to three days and ... get this ... The first two rounds will be on Thursday night during prime time. This is cause for concern on several levels. One is there's already too much dead air filled with too many talking bubbleheads as it is. Hell, I wouldn't wish three days of Chris Berman on my worst enemy. Okay, okay, you're right. Yes, I would. Anyway, my biggest concern is there's no way I'll get the remote during "Grey's Anatomy". NFW, NFL.

Wait, hold on. Stop everything. Major controversy. One SEC head football coach somehow inexplicably did not anoint Florida's Tim Tebow as his pre-season choice for first team, all-conference QB and somehow this slight became Breaking News. Fortunately, crack detectives solved the mystery by, um, using the phone to call each school's coach. Steve Spurrier later admitted it was just an oversight and not an insult. Meanwhile, Tebow had already moved on to other important issues like declaring to the hungry press corps that he's still a virgin. Sigh, I give up.

Judging by fan reaction to Manny Ramirez's so-far triumphant return from a 50-game juicy juice sitdown, it's now clearer than ever that if you can perform your chosen athletic specialty .... which in Manny's case means swinging a rounded wooden stick at a small thrown sphere ... well enough that thousands of people are willing to spend their time and some heavy coin to see you do it, well, then you can probably get away with anything short of cannibalism and still thrive in your sport. It's not right and it's not wrong. It just is.

And so it was that Manny strode to the plate on Wednesday night to pinch hit in a tie game with the sacks loaded. Whereupon he blasted a first pitch grand slam into his very own MANNYWOOD section ... And as The Wood Man circled the bases, Dodger Stadium erupted with the wild cheers of delirious LA fans who no doubt were all texting their agents angling for the book and movie rights before Manny had even rounded third. And yeah, maybe I should be cynical about all this but I'd rather dwell on the positive ... You see, my fantasy team traded for Ramirez while he was out and we really needed that 1-1, HR, R, 4 RBI, 1.000 OBP. You da manny, Manny.

During a match this week in LA, a testy David "Footie Spice" Beckham challenged a few hecklers in the stands to come down and settle their mutual misunderstanding on the pitch. When they didn't, Cap'n Bend It tried to climb up there himself but was restrained by several security guards. The MLS league office naturally wasn't too happy with his people skills so they fined him $1000. You know, I think Becks is finally starting to get the hang of this place.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 24

2009-07-22T15:00:00.001-04:00

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas but apparently not in Lake Tahoe as a woman from there who thought she had a friend in Ben (like Ben) Roethlisberger filed a civil lawsuit accusing the Steeler QB of sexual assault stemming from a hotel visit last summer. No criminal charges have been filed so it might be tough to win a case with no witnesses and no corroborating evidence. Even so, Ben's lawyer is probably looking for an alibi of some sort ... I dunno, maybe Ben was off hiking the Appalachian Trail. I hear that's a popular summer pastime.

I didn't think it was possible but the Enn Eff Ell might have finally come close to a saturation point. Ordinarily, I'll soak up anything the Kingdom of Goodell has to offer. Anything. In fact, just say the letters "N-F-L" and I'm there. But last week, the league announced that all 65 upcoming (and utterly useless) pre-season games will be broadcast in HD on the NFL Network. For the love of Lombardi, why? I mean, this only makes any sense if the CIA needs a new "enhanced interrogation" technique to replace waterboarding and Britney Spears albums.

71 holes and 8 feet ... That's how close 59-year-old Tom Watson came to winning the British Open in what would have been the most astonishing result in pro golf history. But young Tom always had problems with the yips and AARP Tom evidently still has them. His 8-footer would have been good from 7 feet and that was that as Stewart Cink then crushed him in a 4-hole playoff for the win. Still, it's a shame he didn't drain the putt cause next year's champions dinner menu of Salisbury steak, creamed corn, stewed prunes and tapioca pudding would have been epic.

Speaking of epic, Terrell Owens has a new reality TV show on VH-1. T.O. says he wants to do the show so he can prove he's not the one-dimensional, high maintenance, self-obsessed, cartoon character everyone says he is. And what better way to do exactly that than a prime time television show called ... wait for it ... "The T.O. Show" ... No doubt starring Terrell "T.O." Owens as Terrell "T.O." Owens. With special guest appearance by Terrell "T.O." Owens. Good luck, T.O. Break a leg.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 23

2009-07-15T22:00:00.000-04:00

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

The Home Run Derby takes way too long. Yeah, it's fun but you could confirm a new Supreme Court justice in less time than it takes to work through all those rounds of big fly launching. One idea to speed things up right off the bat is we could dock each slugger two outs if one of the Little Leaguers in the outfield makes the catch. Three if Luis Castillo catches it.

Here it is July and training camps haven't even opened up yet but Dallas QB Tony Romo is already in post-season form. Turnover Tony put girlfriend Jessica Simpson on waivers the night before her 29th birthday and ruined the party she was planning. I'm sorry but that's a fumble. And no booth review needed either. I don't care if she is batshiat crazy. Unless you got a backup warming up who's 10x hotter, you don't tell a girl like that to clean out her locker and turn in her playbook.

I musta missed the memo but when did this whole mixed martial arts thing go mainstream? Okay, so it's the dead of summer and the sports calendar is pretty much in a coma which might explain why something called the UFC 100 was all the rave last week. But people were going around referring to some of these fighters by last name only ... Lesnar? Mir? ... as if they were household names. Are we really on a one-name basis with guys who beat each other senseless for a living? Man, I was just starting to get familiar with some of the soccer players.

It took eight All-Star Game innings but Tim McCarver finally delivered one of his patented "double explanations" of a brutally simple baseball concept. As Dodger 2B Orlando Hudson was batting, McCarver noted that, on Sunday against the Brewers, the switch hitter had belted two home runs. And then Tim-may kept right on going with this gem ... "Hudson homered from both sides of the plate. One from the left and one from the right." Thanks, Tim, you're the No. 1 best.

Two weeks until football is back. Mmm, pigskin.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 22

2009-07-10T00:00:00.009-04:00

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Red Sox owner John Henry got hitched a few weekends ago up in Boston. And apparently some of the guests at the wedding reception held at Fenway Park that night were given bobblehead dolls of the newlywed couple as party favors. That's right, his-and-her bride and groom bobbleheads. Suitable for what, I have no idea but I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that this was not her idea.

Bengals widemouth Chad Ochocinco (ne Johnson) says he wants to post Twitter tweets during games this season. Say no more. I'll follow you, Chad ...

#85 #chad daym we lost coin toss now i gotta sit here and wait c'mon d

#85 #chad wtf?!? they ran the kickoff back

#85 #chad oh well now they kick to us its almost ocho time lol

#85 #chad crap we fumbled kickoff they ran it in down 14-0

#85 #chad @rosenhaussports text me

#85 #chad ok we got ball its ocho time

#85 #chad glad @tjhoushmanzadeh now in seattle

#85 #chad im open

#85 #chad i said im open

#85 #chad whats this running play shiat @rosenhaussports where r u

#85 #chad they ran punt back 21-0 maybe now we'll throw lol

#85 #chad im open

#85 #chad why did @carsonpalmer throw to @laveranuescoles

#85 #chad retweet @keyshawn just give me the damn ball

#85 #chad picked off not ocho fault @carsonpalmer threw behind ocho

#85 #chad im open

#85 #chad end of first quarter 28-0

#85 #chad @rosenhaussports get ocho out of here

According to those who were there, a Xavier college player named Jordan Crawford threw one down on LeBron James during a pickup game a few days ago. And that's when the fun started cause some folks with camcorders at the gym taped the poster-worthy slam. Next thing you know Nike flipped out and somehow confiscated the tapes before anyone could upload the wonder jam to YouTube and make their client look bad. And that's where I get confused cause I coulda sworn the Orlando Magic already took care of that.

For all you Cubs fans, there's a new iPhone app out called CubbieTime. Among the app's features are a nightstand clock, an alarm clock and a feed for breaking news about the Cubs. Oh and there's one more thing ... CubbieTime also shows you the number of days that have elapsed since October 14, 1908, the last time the Cubs won the World Series. As of today, that's 36,975 days and counting. You know, I sure hope the developers used an unsigned 32-bit register to store that number cause 16 bits maxes out at 65,535 days and knowing the Cubs, that's a lock.

Followup to Ochocinco's Twitter plans ... The No Fun League quickly put the kibosh on any in-game tweeting ideas citing league policy against using handheld devices on the sidelines. To which Ocho tweeted ... and I quote ... "Question? If I tweet during the game and they suspend me, would I get paid during my suspension since it's not a legal issue?" Unquote. God, I love this guy. If you're into Twitter, you can follow him here ... http://twitter.com/OGOchoCinco. Guaranteed 100% pure comedy gold or your money back.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 21

2009-07-05T20:15:00.001-04:00

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

You know, I think the ladies are finally getting the hang of this sports thing ... Last Monday night, police had to break up an all-out brawl between two Colorado Springs girls softball teams after a batter got plunked and charged the mound. Then on Thursday night, WNBA star Diana Taurasi was pulled over for DUI in Phoenix just a few hours after the Mercury's win over Seattle. All they need to do now is start injecting truckloads of steroids, getting into shootouts at strip clubs, bankrolling dog fights and serial mothering kids in every city they visit and they'll pull even with the guys.

Check your calendar and if it's late June-early July, then it's time for Wimbledon. And that means it's time for the annual in-depth, serious journalistic effort designed to expose one of the great mysteries of modern sport ... Why do the women players grunt? I mean, it's disgusting and scandalous. They should be ashamed of themselves. Who do those hussies think they are grunting and squealing and carrying on like that? It's just not ladylike. Let's listen to it again. There, right there, listen to that. She sounds like she's, um ... Wait, play that again. There, you hear her? Again, please. One more time. Roll tape.

When the New York Mets checked into their Pittsburgh hotel last Wednesday night, they found another group already staying there. It seems the inn was also hosting the Anthrocon 2009 convention. Anthrocon is ... and I quote ... "the world's largest convention for those fascinated with anthropomorphics, which are human-like animal characteristics." In other words, furries. C'mon now, sing it with me ...

Meet the Pets

Step right up and greet the Pets

Bring your kiddies

Bring your wife

Guaranteed to have the time of your life.

Yawn. Just another routine sports weekend ... Tiger Woods won a golf tournament and Roger Federer won a tennis tournament. Been there, done that, caught the highlights. Except that Tiger nailed a clutch birdie to win his own tournament, the AT&T National, and Roger won his sixth Wimbledon to pass Pete Sampras for most career Slams. So basically this really wasn't just any old routine weekend. I mean, other than Tiger winning a golf tournament and Roger winning a tennis tournament, it wasn't.

Rest in peace, Steve McNair.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 20

2009-06-29T17:30:00.002-04:00

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Cleveland Browns WR Joe Jurevicius missed all of last season after he caught a staph infection in his knee at the team's training facility. Now he's filing suit against the Browns and the doctors who performed the surgery claiming he wasn't told the team's rehab equipment is not always sanitized properly. You'd think Joe wouldn't need to be told this given he probably figured his team's facilities weren't, you know, filthy enough to spread infectious diseases but he might still lose his case ... I mean, it's gonna be tough to convince a Cleveland jury that a Browns receiver can catch anything.

Before the NHL draft last week, the Calgary Flames made a trade with the Florida Panthers. Sent to the Flames was Jay Bouwmeester who in four days would be eligible for unrestricted free agency and could then sign with any NHL team. On his way to Florida is Jordan Leopold who was also on the verge of the very same unrestricted free agency. Calgary also sent a third round pick to Florida. And somehow this trade made sense ... About as much sense as you and me trading phone numbers for Jennifer Aniston and Halle Berry with a four-day deadline to each get a date. Bottom line is even if they got no deal, it's still a better deal elsewhere.

19-year-old Joey Logano drove real fast at this past weekend's NASCAR Sprint Cup race in New Hampshire. And that made him the youngest driver ever to win a top shelf NASCAR race as well as the first teenager who drives better than his parents. Meanwhile, the T-Wolves selected Ricky Rubio, the 18-year-old Spanish Harry Potter of the Hardwood, as their newest T-Pup at last week's NBA Draft. If you add up their ages (37), they're still a combined ten years younger than Chris Chelios and 9 behind Jamie Moyer ... Who probably leaves his turn signal on the whole way home from the ballpark.

From our "It Happens Every Time" department ... Every time the US national soccer team pulls off a major upset like last week's 2-0 stunner over top-ranked Spain, soccer hopefuls renew fond dreams of their beloved sport finally achieving major league status here in the land of pig, horse, hoops and puck. But just like Bullwinkle who never gives up trying to convince Rocky ... "This time, for sure. Presto!" ... We pull a Brazil out of our hat and watch the dream go puff daddy just like all the other ones.

So what's it gonna take for soccer to finally hit the big time here? Well, here it is ... It won't take a win over an El Grande Spain or a second half collapse against a superior team like Brazil. And it won't take a "Just Happy To Be Here!" deep run during next year's World Cup. And ... breathe in deep now ... It won't take an unlikely OMG! WTF! World Cup win either. Nope, even that won't do the trick. Soccer will arrive in the US and A when we win the World Cup and then follow it up four years later with a honk trying to defend it. The minute we fire the coach for not going back-to-back is the minute soccer will become futbol here. That's just how we roll in the Five-Oh.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 19

2009-06-24T23:00:00.003-04:00

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

One of the guys who stole Lance Armstrong's expensive bike last year was sentenced this week to three years in prison. The racing legend spared no expense trying to find what he called the keenest bike in the world. Rumor has it Lance encountered a plus-sized ghost driver, a dinosaur truck stop and a murderous biker gang with a fondness for Mexican spirits and saxophone tunes. He finally had to ask police for help when he learned The Alamo doesn't have a basement. When asked why he didn't seek help sooner, Lance replied that he's a rebel, a loner and they shouldn't get mixed up with a guy like him.

I swear every word of this is true ... The Mahoning Valley Scrappers, one of Cleveland's Class A minor league teams, is offering a free liposuction treatment to one lucky fan in attendance on July 8th at Ladies Night Celebration sponsored by Valley Surgical Arts of Youngstown, OH. Five finalists will be chosen beforehand and the winner will be announced on the field at the game ... Okay, now here's what I don't understand ... This clinic's web site says they offer, um, other cosmetic procedures, nudge nudge wink wink say no more. I mean, if you're gonna give away free plastic surgery, why not try to stretch that single into a double? Know what I mean, eh, eh?

Three Dallas Cowboys linemen, Leonard Davis, Marc Colombo and Cory Proctor, recently signed a record deal to form a heavy (heavier?) metal band called Free Reign. Their debut CD drops later this fall. No word yet on song titles but some possibilities could include ... "Hellstorm of the Lost Playoff Berth", "Rise of the Falling Star", "Wide Receiver Motormouth Blues", "Romo Fumble Death" and "The Ballad of Stopped Just Short With No Timeouts Left".

The College of William and Mary ("Bill And The Wife") is looking for a new team mascot. They used to be the Indians but switched to The Tribe years ago. That name can stay but the feathered logo has to go. The search committee has received over 400 suggestions including a stalk of asparagus whose submitter observed that, when served with cheese, it matches the school colors. That's not as weird as it sounds though ... The Delta State (MS) Fighting Okra and the Scottsdale (AZ) Community College Fighting Artichokes are already in the vegetable mascot bin. Now if we could just get two other schools to call themselves The Cornbread and The Sweet Tea, we'll have the $4.95 veggie plate down at the meat-and-three.

Stop it. Stop it right now. Just because Kate Hudson is dating A-Rod, it's not okay to call her K-Hud. That is, unless her mom, G-Hawn, approves.

Jeffrey Jordan, son of Michael, has apparently decided he will not Be Like Mike. Jordan, at first a walk-on but later a scholarship player at Illinois, announced this week that he'll concentrate on his studies from now on. It's understandable. The pressure on the son to measure up to the best baller ever must have been enormous. It's a shame though cause I was looking forward to when young Jordan would quit the team to go play JV baseball and then quit that and return to hoops. And then quit again, transfer to another school to play some more before finally quitting for good so he could golf, gamble and make terrible picks for his fantasy team.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 18

2009-06-22T11:30:00.002-04:00

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

A Florida high school assistant football coach, who also serves as the school's Youth Crime Watch advisor, was pulled over recently and arrested for coke and weed possession. The coach was also booked for carrying a loaded handgun. Behind the wheel was the school's starting quarterback. He was charged with driving without a license. Good to see that off-season training programs are in full swing in the Sunshine State.

You know that old joke about how come they sterilize the needles used for lethal injection? Well, in that same vein (sorry, couldn't resist), how come they wear white gloves to carry the Stanley Cup out to center ice for the winner's ceremony? You know they're just gonna hand it off to a bunch of sweaty hockey players who haven't shaved in two months, right? Okay, so it's a classy move but it still seems kinda pointless. I mean, you could give Ozzie Guillen a lifetime membership in Toastmasters but you're still gonna need a 7-second delay when he rips into his team.

Egypt beat Italy, 1-0, last Thursday in a Confederations Cup match and that's the first time the Azzurri, the reigning World Cup champs, have ever lost to an African team. Reports from the afterlife indicate Mark Antony has gone into seclusion over the loss and has burned his Italia 06 Coppa del Mondo Campiones cap and the game worn No. 5 Cannavaro jersey he got on eBay. Meanwhile, aides to Cleopatra say she's been doing the "Walk Like An Egyptian" dance in their atrium while taunting him with the "Nah Nah Nah Nah, Nah Nah Nah Nah, Hey Hey Hey, Goodbye" song.

An Oakland lawyer, Alfred G Rava, filed a gender discrimination class action lawsuit against the A's because he wasn't given a free hat handed out to the first 7,500 ladies in attendance back on Mother's Day in 2004. That's right, he didn't get one of the the pink sun hats given to women in support of breast cancer research so he sued. However, last week the team settled out of court for $510,000. That's right, half a million green for one pink hat. Listen up, A's, here's how you solve this problem ... Next year, offer free mammograms. And if Rava sues to get one, give it to him.

Sometimes my local paper, the Charlotte Observer, gets a little enthusiastic in its coverage of the home team as seen in this quote from its recent review of Madden 10 ... Overall the Panthers are rated an 83 overall as a team, which leads the NFC South. Well, first off, there's the overall problem with using the word "overall" twice overall. But more importantly, there's the silly boast that the video Panthers lead their video division. I know, I know, it's just a meaningless ... Wait, what? Panthers are No. 1? Whoo hoo !!! We're No. 1, baby !!! Suck it, Saints! Boo yeah, Bucs! Forget it, Falcons! PANTHERZ ROOL !!!!!!!!!

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 17

2009-06-18T16:00:00.000-04:00

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

In a move of pure strategic brilliance, the NFL Network this week hired Matt Millen to do color on the channel's Thursday Night Football package. Millen, the failed GM who did more to depress the city of Detroit than a dozen GM failures, was also hired by ESPN to cover Saturday college games and do Sunday and Monday NFL studio work ... Which pretty much means Millen will be either on a plane, at a game or behind a desk for six solid months. And thus far far away from any NFL front office. Perfect.

Okay, time for a bold prediction ... Artie Lange will not be invited to appear on HBO's new Joe Buck Live show ever again. One of Howard Stern's pals, Lange clearly knows the only way to rescue a disaster is with f-bombs, queer jokes and other show killers like lighting up a cigarette. Man, that was painful. I'm not much of a Joe Buck fan. He's another ego-soaked airbag who thinks he got there on talent instead of being Jack Buck's kid. Even so, this first show was a train wreck. Maybe the best one we've seen since Tommy Lee Jones hunted down Harrison Ford.

In a plea bargain for killing a Miami pedestrian while drunk driving back in March, Cleveland WR Dante Stallworth got 30 days in jail, two years of house arrest and eight years of probation plus he worked out a financial settlement to compensate the victim's family. Although Stallworth still has to face league discipline, the agreement was crafted so he could resume his NFL career as soon as possible. Boy, you know it's a good thing Dante didn't kill a dog. That'll get you a couple years in Leavenworth plus bankrupt you and put your football career in a deep coma. Hey, I'm not defending Michael Vick ... I'm just wondering how his dead dogs got such good lawyers.

Sigh. And so we learn Sammy Sosa was on the juice too. Quelle surprise. Look, I really don't care what these guys put into their bodies. If they wanna walk around with giant heads and tiny balls while popping zits the size of small appliances, fine, do it. I just don't like being lied to. And neither does Congress. Speaking of which, Sosa's positive test now makes Jose Canseco a perfect 3-for-3 at that now famous 2005 Congressional hearing on steroids ... Mark McGwire, Rafael Palmiero and now Sammy. Juicy, juicier, juiciest.

Bryce Harper, the 16-year-old Las Vegas baseball prodigy featured on the SI cover a few weeks ago, announced his plan to drop out of high school, take the GED and then enroll in community college so he'll be eligible for next year's MLB amateur draft. All things considered, the plan makes sense. Some people are just born to play a sport and if Harper has found a way to get paid to play baseball earlier than usual, good for him. Let's just hope ~~Hobbs~~ Harper doesn't sit next to Barbara Hershey on a train. And stay away from Memo Paris too. That girl's bad luck.

Rest in peace, Dusty Rhodes.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 16

2009-06-15T02:00:00.002-04:00

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Congrats to the Pittsburgh Penguins for winning Lord Stanley's Big Jell-O Mold. The Pens are a testament to perseverance, grit, stamina, heart, pluck, nerve and the incredibly smart strategy of sucking so bad for so many years in a row ... Which got them the high picks they used to draft superduperstars Marc-Andre Fleury, Evgeni Malkin, Sidney Crosby and Jordan Staal. Just like that. Winner, winner, chicken dinner. Nicely done, Pens. Hope you're paying attention, Detroit Lions, cause this is how it's done. First you suck, then you draft. Suck then draft. Not the other way around.

Likewise, kudos to the Kobes for winning the NBA title in five games over the overmatched Orlando Magic. What a great story ... At long last, Derek Fisher finally wins a title without Shaq getting all the limelight. It's also Ring No. 10 for Laker coach Phil Jackson and that puts Celtic legend Red Auerbach's nine champeenships in second place and Boston's suicide hotline on full alert. Time now to move on to the NBA's annual summer vacation otherwise known as the WNBA. Expect Click.

Nowadays most managers hate to let a pitcher throw more than 100 pitches in a game. Pitch count is everything. It's the sine qua non of staff management. [Not really. I just wanted to use "sine qua non" in a sentence. Chicks dig the Latin.] Anyway, it got me thinking ... How come teams don't try to find ambidextrous pitchers? I mean, they could throw 200 pitches, right?

In NASCAR news ... Instead of the usual trophy, Kyle Busch was given an original, hand-painted Gibson Les Paul guitar after he won a race in Nashville last weekend. Busch then channelled his inner Pete Townshend by smashing the one-of-a-kind axe right there in victory lane. Maybe next time, NASCAR will encourage Busch to drive his car Keith Moon-style into a hotel swimming pool. Also, note to Nashville ... Next time, give him a prop.

On Thursday, an umpire at a high school baseball game in Iowa ejected the entire crowd of about 100 people for screaming and arguing with him. The whole crowd. Every last one of them. Tossed 'em right outta there. It can't be confirmed yet but eyewitnesses at the game insist that just before the ump lost his cool and threw them all out, a soft whisper could be heard saying ... If you yelled it, he will thumb.

Twenty-one years after leaving UCLA early for NFL fame and fortune, Hall of Fame QB and current FOX Sports color man Troy Aikman finished up his sociology degree and got his diploma during graduation ceremonies at the Westwood campus on Saturday. No truth to the rumor that Troy spent the rest of the day at Kinko's making copies of his resume before going to work the evening shift at Applebee's.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 15

2009-06-12T13:45:00.000-04:00

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Ross Ohlendorf is a rookie pitcher with the Pittsburgh Pirates. Ross Ohlendorf graduated from Princeton with a combined major in math, engineering and economics. So yeah, Ross Ohlendorf is the sharpest knife in the drawer. As proof, for his senior thesis, he submitted a 126-page paper detailing the significant long-term investment return on signing bonuses given to top amateur draft picks. In 2004, Ross Ohlendorf was a 4th round pick of the Arizona Diamondbacks and signed for $280,000 which he presumably then used to pay off his Princeton student loans ... Quod erat demonstratum.

In his spare time, Saints coach Sean Payton is apparently pitching a film script to Hollywood. It's called "The Xbox Kid" and it's about a poor New Orleans boy who discovers he can control NFL games using a refurbished Xbox his grandfather gave him after a devastating hurricane. I dunno, I might hafta wait and see on this one ... I mean, unless that thing can keep Reggie Bush from running out of bounds on every play, it's not a magic Xbox.

All right, no more fooling around, this time it's for real ... Brett Favre's family has booked 30 hotel rooms in Green Bay for the Nov 1 game against Minnesota. That's it, there's our proof. Favre is definitely playing for the Vikes. No more questions. End of story. No, wait, this just in ... Brett Favre may have been seen in a Hattiesburg farmer's exchange buying seed corn. By God, that can only mean one thing ... Brett Favre is gonna raise hogs this year which means Deanna Favre will be serving ham instead of turkey for Thanksgiving which means, with no bird to carve, Brett Favre must want to protect his throwing shoulder !!! That's it, there's our proof.

The Royals lost, 4-3 in 10 innings, to the Indians in Cleveland on Thursday night. The winning run scored when a ball hit up the middle by Shin-Soo Choo struck a flock of seagulls standing in center field. Good thing he didn't hit it to right field cause that's where Tears For Fears was standing and they'd already gunned down one runner at the plate. Anyway, the runner on second, Mark DeRosa, scored the winning run. When asked afterwards about the strange play, DeRosa said: "And I ran, I ran so far away. I just ran, I ran all night and day. I couldn't get away."

Is there anything more pathetic than the NCAA punishing guilty college programs by vacating past wins? This time around it's Alabama. Actually, I think it was Alabama the time before that too. And the time before that. Regardless, here they are again. They have to forfeit 21 football wins from 2005 to 2007 because some Tide players somehow got free textbooks for their friends. No loss of future scholarships, no television ban, no post-season restrictions, nothing. Nada, zip, zilch, bupkiss. Let that be a warning to them. Next time, it'll be something really serious ... Like drawing magic marker moustaches on old photos of Bear Bryant. That'll show 'em.

So you're Cristiano Ronaldo and you're the best soccer player in the world. You're so good that Real Madrid has agreed to pay you 80 million pounds to leave Manchester United and play for them now. And you're in Los Angeles when the big news of your transfer hits the wire. Clearly, it's time to celebrate. What do you do? Do you ... a) Retire quietly with your closest friends and family for a private toast to your fame and fortune, b) Issue a thoughtful statement thanking ManU for your time spent there and wishing them well or c) Ditch your family when you notice Paris Hilton at an LA night club and then spend the night with her at her sister Nicky's house. It's good to be the king.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 14

2009-06-07T22:00:00.003-04:00

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Buffalo Bills owner Ralph Wilson this week picked ESPN blowhard Chris Berman to deliver his Hall of Fame acceptance speech at Canton later this summer. Nope, not a true Bills legend like Marv Levy or Jim Kelly or Bruce Smith or Thurman Thomas. Not even the genius who invented Buffalo wings. Instead, Wilson selected the gasbag who jokingly picks his two favorite teams, Niners and Bills, to meet in the Super Bowl each year. It's your call, Ralph, but I think you Norwooded this one.

They're not called the Cincinnati Bungles for nothing, folks. Recently, an automated phone call from coach Marvin Lewis was supposed to go out to 2,500 citywide elementary school "A" Honor Roll students inviting them to an exclusive "Academic Achievement Party" at the stadium next weekend. Instead, the robocall went out to 20,000 kids including all the ones whose dogs routinely eat their homework. And so on Friday, Marvin had to send out another call to correct the mistake which in turn dashed the dreams of the 17,500 kids who had hoped to meet their fellow not-so-eggheads.

Summer Bird, half brother to Mine That Bird, was the better Horse Named Bird at the Belmont on Saturday. Meanwhile, Preakness winner Rachel Alexandra skipped the final Triple Crown race so she could rest up and ... I kid you not ... do a photo shoot for Vogue magazine. The star filly, wearing nothing but her fabulous designer shoes and some chic light leather, will be featured in the August issue of the famous fashion mag. So I guess this makes her a real clothes horse then. Sorry, couldn't resist.

More from Buffalo ... Terrell Owens is apparently having problems renting a house in his new town. Seems some of the residents of upscale Orchard Park, NY objected to TO's penchant for attracting attention and causing controversy. So naturally, Owens responded to their concerns by sending a tweet out to his 30,000 Twitter followers which got picked up by all the sports media heavies who then quickly turned it into a lead story complete with quotes from agents, realtors, neighbors and of course Owens himself. Ta da! And for his next trick, he won't complain about his new quarterback.

Speaking of Twitter, Cardinals manager Tony La Russa sued the microblogger for emotional distress after someone created a fake account in his name. Hats off to the rocket scientist who tried to impersonate the only major league manager with a law degree. Not to mention no one would ever believe La Russa could say anything in less than 140 characters. But really though, if Tony needs to sue someone for emotional distress, he should forget Twitter and go file a class action suit against his relief pitchers for impersonating a bullpen.

Yawn. Just another routine sports weekend ... Tiger Woods won a golf tournament and Roger Federer won a tennis tournament. Been there, done that, caught the highlights. Except that Tiger nailed clutch birdies on the final two holes to come from four shots down to win The Memorial and Roger finally won his first French Open to complete his career Slam and match Pete Sampras for most Slams. So basically this really wasn't just any old routine weekend. I mean, other than Tiger winning a golf tournament and Roger winning a tennis tournament, it wasn't.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 13

2009-06-02T13:54:00.017-04:00

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

The State, a local newspaper serving Columbia, SC, recently ran a slick 1/4 page ad proudly congratulating the South Carolina Gamecocks football, basketball and baseball teams for ... and I quote ... For recording at least a .500 record in all three sports in the same season. Unquote. Turns out this is the first time all three teams finished slightly north of mediocre in the same school year since USC joined the SEC back in 1992. As Hot Lips Houlihan once said to Major Burns ... "Oh, Frank, you're so above average."

Several years ago, Phil Simms uttered this immortal on-air gem about a quarterback who'd played a good game that day ... "I'm impressed. His decisions were very decisive." Move over now, Phil, and make room for new Niner corner Dre' Bly who on Monday said ... "My instincts are still very instinctive." So that's two now for Obvious Quote Bingo. Next up we'll be looking for "My habits are very habitual", "My skills are very skillful" and of course ... "My quotes are very quotable".

Florida State 37, Ohio State 6 ... Yeah, I know what you're thinking. Same here but that's not a BCS bowl game score. Hell, it's not even football. They were playing baseball. Well, at least the Noles were. I have no idea what the Poisonous Nuts were playing but the score was 8-0 after the first inning and 32-zip after five. No truth to the rumor that FSU coach Bobby Bowden sounded confused afterwards saying "That can't be my guys. It's only June. They're all out shoplifting this time of year."

How dare Danica Patrick give a hypothetical answer to a hypothetical question! When asked by Dan Patrick if she'd consider taking an unspecified performance-enhancing drug as long as it was undetectable and would help her win Indy, everybody's favorite GoDaddy pitchbabe all but conceded she would. Naturally that let loose the hounds of outrage so now Danica says it was all a joke. Maybe if she was looking for laughs, she should've asked Dan if he'd pose for the swimsuit issue if he could look as good as she does in a bathing suit. Now there's your hypothetical.

And speaking of faux outrage, do we really have to get our boxers in a bunch just because LeBron James didn't shake hands with the Magic after Orlando finished off his Cavs in Game 6? Look, sportsmanship is a wonderful thing but this wasn't the Akron All-County Middle School Tournament here. It's the NBA and James was carrying not just his whole team but the hopes of the entire greater Cleveland area. Give the man some room ... And then find him a center, another forward and a coupla guards too while we're at it.

Welcome to Empty Seat Night here at new Yankee Stadium. Prizes will be awarded to the fan with the costume that best resembles an empty bleacher seat. Wow, just look at all those costumes out there in the stands. There must be thousands of them. Boy, these fans have gone all out. I must say, their attention to detail is really impressive. The judges are going to have a hard time picking out a winner here tonight.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 12

2009-05-28T10:24:00.008-04:00

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

A buncha guys with funny-sounding names who live in Barcelona half the year beat another buncha guys with funny-sounding names who live in Manchester half the year. The score was 2-nil and it was for something called the UEFA Champions League Cup Final which is not to be confused with the UEFA League Cup Champions Final (sponsored by the People's Front of Judea) or the UEFA Cup Champions League Final (sponsored by the Judean People's Front) neither one of which are recognized by FIFA or FAFI or AFIF or IFAF.

Same as last year, Pens-Wings for the Stanley Cup. And same as last year, both teams will play several superb, end-to-end hockey games filled with pinpoint passes, amazing shots, thrilling saves, last-second goals, white knuckle overtimes and one of the sweaty captains finally hoisting the hallowed hardware. And just like last year, it'll all be seen on Channel 206 by about a dozen hosers who still have a month of ice fishing season left, eh.

Objection! Okay, yes, NBC has the first two Stanley Cup games while the next two are on Versus or whatever obscure channel that gets lower ratings than my screensaver aquarium. {Look, it's Nemo!} But Game 1 is this Saturday and Game 2 is on Sunday marking the first time two Finals games will be played on consecutive days since 1955. Why, you ask? Because the Peacock wants no part of weeknight games on the fairly good chance they'll go into OT and interfere with ... wait for it ... Conan O'Brien's debut week on The Tonight Show. Overruled.

Are you telling me that former Memphis hoops coach John Calipari took the Kentucky job just two months before the NCAA charged Memphis with major program violations? And the NCAA will most likely vacate the Tigers 2008 Final Four appearance if found guilty? Not the same John Calipari whose UMass team had to vacate its 1996 Final Four appearance after he bolted for the New Jersey Nets? Nah, that can't be right. Coach Cal wouldn't do that.

You know I love the NFL more than any other sport but nobody and I mean nobody does hypocrisy like the National Football League. You see, Delaware recently legalized sports wagering ... Which the league hates with a passion so of course they're suing to stop it by claiming you need "skill" to bet on football. Right, as if point spreads are a new idea. No, they're not but deciding last week that teams can now sign sponsorship deals with state lotteries is. Sing it with me now ...

Hail to the Redskins
Hail lottery
Knaves on the poor path
Scratch for old DC.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 11

2009-05-25T19:00:00.004-04:00

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Cheer, cheer for old Notre Dame. Wake up the echoes, leave out some games ... That's right, college football's most famous program released its new media guide last week and under Sorry Charlie Weis's bio, there's nary a mention of any losing season the coach has ever had at any level. And that includes the disastrous 2007 season when his Irish went 3-9. Hmm, I wonder how thrilled The Lord is now that His Eighth Commandment is optional in South Bend. I dunno, maybe you shouldn't practice in the rain this year, Charlie.

Last week, an unnamed Mets fan lost her gold tooth in one of the toilets at new "BrokeBank" Citi Field in ... wait for it ... Flushing Meadows. Apparently, these new low-flo loos use powerful vacuum suction instead of just plain old gravity ... Which woulda been nice to know before she stuck her hand down there and had to be rescued. The emergency crew got her out okay but the tooth was gone. Which means now there's an alligator down in the Queens sewer system looking really fly.

A recent bodybuilding competition in Brussels had to be canceled because of a distinct lack of competition. Oh, there are plenty of muscle-bound he-men in Belgium willing to pose in Speedos and Pam spray. That's not the problem. The problem is that a doping official showed up right before the posedown began and they all took off faster than a Belgian waffle lasts on John Daly's plate. Why do they even bother testing bodybuilders? That's like testing Chris Berman for ego.

Fresh off his now infamous White House snub, Steelers LB James Harrison got some more ink last week when one of his pit bulls put his 2-year-old son in the hospital. Fortunately, the kid will be okay but Harrison will no doubt have to deal with the dog. If only there was someone he could ask for advice on how to get rid of unwanted dogs. Someone who might have some experience in this arena. I dunno, maybe another football player, one at home with some free time available. Any ideas?

Note to Cleveland fans ... It sure looks like maybe kinda sorta you were expecting the LeBrons to romp to this year's NBA title. And yeah, that really was an all-time buzzer beater LBJ hit to win Game 2 but somehow Orlando didn't get the memo. For your sake, I hope the Cavs can come back and win this thing cause the Indians are dead last in the AL and the Browns are ranked 33rd out of 32 NFL teams. Cross your fingers and pray, Cleveland, cause this could be an epic summer of fail.

A few weeks ago, those adorable Washington Nationals, our favorite screwed up baseball team, were embarrassed when two players played in jerseys wearing the misspelled word "NATINALS". Now it seems somebody forgot to run spellcheck on their Presidential bobbleheads too. Because for just $30 at concession stands, you too can now have your very own Teddy "Rossevelt" doll. Maybe the Nats should have a new motto ... Speek sotfly and carry a bigg tick.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 10

2009-05-16T20:15:00.000-04:00

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

The NHL is down to four teams left for the Big Jell-O Mold ... Blackhawks vs Red Wings and Penguins vs Canes. They're all playing great hockey but I'm going with the team with that old guy with the weird European name who plays on the same line with that speedy little French-Canadian dude. You know who I'm talking about ... They got that hotshot goalie plus that big scruffy defenseman and the coach, the one who used to coach that other team. C'mon, help me out here.

This time around, HBO's popular NFL training camp series "Hard Knocks" will feature the Cincinnati Bengals. For an NFL junkie, the show's been must see TV ... Especially those painful scenes where the coach has to tell a player he's been released. Given that the Bengals will be on screen, maybe now the drama will be reversed and we'll get to see a player tell the coach he's been released, that is, on bail until his arraignment.

Once he gets going, Yankee P Joba Chamberlain is fine but he's had some pretty rough first innings lately. So before his last start, the team had him pitch a simulated "first inning" out in the bullpen where three batters just stood there while Joba threw his final warmup tosses. That way, the Yankees hope he'll just go out now and pretend like it's the second inning. And I hope it works for him because if it does, I'm asking my boss if I can simulate working for my first hour too.

Rachel Alexandra won the Preakness over fast-closing Kentucky Derby winner Mine That Bird at Pimlico on Saturday. In outrunning the boys, she became the first filly to win the race since 1924. Boy, I know women like to run late but that's ridiculous. Boy, I'm sure glad my wife doesn't read this.

On Friday, my beloved Philadelphia Phillies paid a team visit to President Barack Obama at the White House to celebrate their World Series win. Think about that for just a moment ... The sorriest pro sports team in history was honored by the first black POTUS ever. Not only that but they both clinched their astonishing victories within a week of each other last fall. Seriously, who's writing this script? And has anybody checked the space-time continuum lately?

Speaking of White House visits, the Super Bowl champ Steelers are due for their trip soon. Only problem is star LB James Harrison doesn't wanna go ... "If you want to see the Pittsburgh Steelers, invite us when we don't win the Super Bowl. As far as I'm concerned, Obama would have invited Arizona if they had won." Um, yeah, James, that's pretty much how these things work. I mean, if they just invited the teams that didn't win, the Browns might as well move to Washington to save on air fare.

Rest in peace, Wayman Tisdale.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 9

2009-05-12T17:30:00.006-04:00

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Dallas QB Tony Romo tried to qualify for the US Open this week but, just like the Cowboys, he came up just a little short. Speaking of little shorts, Jessica Simpson's favorite signal caller shot even par on the front nine but five bogeys plus a triple bogey on the back nine ended his Tin Cup quest. Although to be fair to Tony, he didn't see that Eagle before it swooped in front of his fairway shot and returned it all the way back to the first tee.

Big ups to my nephew, Justin Weiner, a junior at Delaware whose varsity lightweight 8 crew team took gold at the big Dad Vail Regatta last weekend on (in?) the Schuylkill River in Philadelphia. Dude is 6-1, 155 and ripped like rebar concrete. I'm sure coaching a crew team isn't easy on race days but practices have to be a no-brainer. Okay, guys, today I want you to row til you puke. But we did that yesterday, Coach. Yep, and you're gonna do it again tomorrow too. Let's go, fellas, you were just borrowing that breakfast.

To the Orlando dad who demanded an apology after his 12-year-old son was ~~nudged~~ ~~bumped~~ ~~shoved~~ ~~trampled~~ assaulted by big Celtics F Glen Davis on the Magic sidelines after he sank the buzzer beater that won Game 4 ... Listen up, you and your precious snowflake had coveted courtside seats. When you sit that close to a basketball court, large basketball players will, on occasion, make their presence known. Geez, even trackside NASCAR fans don't whine when they get sprayed with flying car parts. Well, maybe that's a bad example. Actually, I think they might like it.

Former Indy coach Tony Dungy visited Michael "Pooch Punt" Vick in prison last week and then later announced that Michael wants ... wait for it ... yep, you got it ... a second chance in the NFL. Really, Tony, you figured that out all by yourself? I dunno, I'm not a Super Bowl winning coach or a popular motivational speaker and acclaimed best seller author but I kinda figured that Mike's well-publicized bankruptcy court hearings were a pretty good sign the man needs ~~some~~ lotsa coin.

It's no secret I like Mark Cuban, the controversial owner of the Dallas Mavericks. The Association needs more owners with his burning passion and willingness to spend rivers of cash on his team. But many times Cuban's fire has gotten him in trouble ... Like this week when he yelled to Nuggets F Kenyon Martin's mom that her son's a thug. Probably not a good idea, Mark, cause you know that's a media storm just waiting to rain on you ... Whether you were right {cough} K-Mart, coached by Bob Huggins at Cincinnati {cough} or not.

Rest in peace, Chuck Daly.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 8

2009-05-08T09:46:00.013-04:00

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Warning: The following piece is a No Favre Zone and may not be suitable for a general audience. Especially those who hang on every twitch, breath and mere utterance of a certain former Atlanta Falcon, Green Bay Packer, New York Jet and perhaps future Minnesota Viking quarterback who is either a) bored to tears on his farm, b) loves stringing people along year after year or c) just can't seem to let those long ago and far away cheers just ... fade ... away.

Dumb is forgetting how many outs there are or swinging on a 3-0 count when the pitcher hasn't thrown a strike since last week. Really dumb is not walking Albert Pujols with first base open. Monumentally dumb, however, is failing a drug test for steroids when everyone in the entire baseball universe knows you're gonna get tested. Ladies and gentlemen, Manny Ramirez.

Gotta give it up to Manny, though. Seeing as how he tested positive for a women's fertility drug, at least the man was original. Even more remarkable is he somehow managed to push Alex Rodriguez and his never-ending little soap opera off the front page of the sports section. Man, that's hard to do. Normally, you can't get ARod off the radar scope until he disappears in the playoffs.

After 11 years in the minors and more bus rides than Ralph Kramden, infielder Bobby Scales finally made it to The Show when the Cubbies called him up this week. Good for him. Even if he only lasts a few weeks in the majors, he made it. And a few years from now, when Bobby's back in A ball and he's lazily strumming a guitar in the back seat of a bus to Winston-Salem, he'll be able to say ...

Yeah, I was in The Show. I was in The Show for 21 days once, the 21 greatest days of my life. You know, you never handle your luggage in The Show. Somebody else carries your bags. It was great. You hit white balls for batting practice, the ballparks are like cathedrals, the hotels all have room service and the women all have long legs and brains.

"Miami Dolphins partner with Buffet" ... Hey, good move, Fish. Warren Buffet is one of the smartest and richest businessmen alive today. Wait a minute, it's not Warren, it's Jimmy? The same Jimmy Buffet who "made enough money to buy Miami but pissed it away so fast"? Indeed, the son of a son of a sailor signed a naming rights deal this week with the Fins to the left, Fins to the right. And so now welcome to Landshark Stadium, named after Landshark Lager, a beer Jimmy brews. Candygram.

Rest in peace, Danny Ozark. Thanks for showing the 70's Phillies how to win but I'm still not over Black Friday. You were supposed to put Jerry Martin in left field, man.

See ya next time.

P.S. Parrothead Park woulda been so much better.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 7

2009-05-02T19:10:00.004-04:00

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Oh no, here we go again ... The Annual Brett Favre Un-Re-Un-Re-Retirement Rumorfest Circus Maximus and Amalgamated Media Feeding Frenzy might be (is) back. A year ago, Jet Favre was a fun novelty act but down the stretch his poor play got Jets coach Eric Mangini whacked. This time around the Vikes are the hot whisper. All I can say to Brad Childress is be careful, coach. Your seat is hot enough already and he's not the Holy Grail anymore. Choose wisely, Brad.

A 51-1 longshot, Mine That Bird, won the Kentucky Derby on Saturday. Man, that was a sweet ride by jockey Calvin Borel. The spectacular overhead blimp shots showed Borel steering MTB along the rail until they busted out and just flew home. And as The Bird crossed the finish line with the win, for just a brief second or two, I swear you could hear the sound of 150,000 betting slips being torn up.

Because of the new swine flu outbreak, soccer games in Mexico are still being played but the gates are locked and fans aren't allowed in. Pro soccer games in front of empty stands? Well then, I guess that's one more thing we've exported to Mexico.

Hold the phones, I think we have a winner ... Or at least an early front runner for Dumbest New Made-Up Sports Word of the Year. Bolts LB Shawne Merriman, unplugged last season by a knee injury, is stirring up his anger to recharge his "Lights Out" act so that everybody will know he's back. And to all his doubters, Shawne's got just this to say ... "My footballhood has been questioned. That is worse than questioning someone's manhood." Great, glad we got that settled. My bloghood thanks you.

Speaking of rumors, another good one that won't go away is the notion of playing a future Super Bowl in London. London, England, the UK, Great Britain, that is. You know, it's really not that bad an idea. I mean, seriously, would you rather see the Supe go back to Jacksonville? But if the big game does go to London, we will need some guarantees ... They can't make both teams wear all white, no strawberries and cream in the press box and above all, no curtsies to the Ye Olde Royal Luxury Suite. And we get to pick the halftime act too. So you can tell Oasis not to even bother.

Rest in peace, Jack Kemp.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 6

2009-04-29T23:08:00.004-04:00

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Derby Day is almost here. "The Fastest Two Minutes In Sports" or as we like to call it ... "The Only Two Minutes When Anybody Gets Excited About Horse Racing Anymore" ... is always a great show. From the rich ladies wearing UFO hats and Jackie O sunglasses to the bourbon-soaked infield party to the wild bump-and-grind of a 20-pack of frisky 3-year-olds going a mile and a quarter, the Kentucky Derby is grand theater bluegrass-style. Recession be damned, it's mint julep time. Anybody know how to make one ???

Just a hunch but New Orleans coach Byron Scott might want to update his resume. C'mon, it doesn't take a genius to see that Scott's lost his team. Game 4 says it all ... Nuggets 121, Hornets 63. Okay, so a 58 point loss ties the NBA record for worst ever playoff beatdown but sometimes a game gets out of hand, right ??? Try telling that to the home crowd. Yeah, that spankjob was down on the Pontchartrain. Folks, those are rollover minutes right there. Bon soir, Byron.

Man, I thought my teams were the only ones who went down hard in the playoffs. But the New Jersey Devils aren't my guys and yes, that was them with a one goal lead coughing up two late scores in a Game 7 honk to the Carolina Hurricanes at home in the swamps of Jersey. With all-time winningest goalie ever, Martin Brodeur, playing the role of collander for the Devs too. Ouch. Tough luck, guys. Time to break out your golf bags.

Are you ready to order ??? Yeah, I'll have whatever Zack Greinke is having.

Off we go into the wild blue yonder, climbing high into the ... catch fence. Yep, it's been 40 years since Talladega was built and NASCAR still can't keep cars from flying the friendly skies in that Alabama launch pad. This time it was Carl Edwards' turn to prove Bernoulli's Principle in a last lap furball that sent him airborne and seven fans to the infirmary last Sunday. Look, we know the gearheads love their "Big One" crashes and they do look "oooh" great on the tube. But someday somebody's gonna get killed. It's not the cars and it's not the drivers. And it's not the restrictor plates or the yellow line either. It's the track. Dig it up and slow it down. Git 'er done.

Here in Charlotte at this week's Quail Hollow Champeenship, Colts QB Peyton Manning teamed up with Tiger Woods in the Wednesday pro-am before the real golf got started. I like the pro-ams for two reasons ... One is it's fun to see the pros play with no pressure. Even better though is watching the ams play under real pressure not to look like, in this case, a quarterback playing golf. Apparently, Manning played just fine although Tiger had to explain to him several times that he couldn't audible his way out of that fried egg he left in the bunker on 18.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 5

2009-04-26T16:00:00.007-04:00

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Last time out, we were feeling the love for my youngest daughter's Facebook gripe over Jake Delhomme's new contract. Now it's my oldest daughter's turn. Spawn 1, a 2007 South Carolina graduate, was volunteering at a face painting booth during the recent annual spring festival here when a local sprout stepped up and asked for a Clemson Tiger paw. Sorry, she said ... Hold on, I have to collect myself here ... Sorry, little man, she said, this brush only paints Gamecocks. Attagirl.

Well, the annual NFL Meat Market is over and every single team is furiously patting themselves on the back for their A++ draft hauls. Happens every year ... Oh, we got just the guy we wanted. We were surprised he fell this far. Our scouts had him rated much higher than where we picked him. We just wanted the best player available and that's what we got, a football player. This guy loves the game of football. We feel very lucky to have him. No question we're a better team now.

And now for the translation ... Sigh, what we really wanted was the guy taken two spots before us. The reason he fell this far is he can't bench press a flower box. The only tape our scouts had on him was the Duke game and hell, everybody looks great against them. Yeah, he loves football but his agent promised he'll start hating it real soon unless our offer improves. We're very lucky his probation officer is a season ticket holder. And our team better be better or next year we'll all be gone.

My late father was the first man I knew who devoted his entire day to tracking the NFL Draft. This was back in the early 80's when ESPN was still young and desperate. Mr Work Ethic himself actually called in sick just so he could watch every pick in every round. Have to admit, I didn't get it. I honestly thought the man had burned a few heat shields during re-entry. As it turns out, he was years ahead of his time ...

And so on Saturday at 4:00pm when the Commish took his first trip to the podium, in honor of my dad's remarkable foresight, I had the following tools lit up and running ... On the tube: ESPN, the Mother Ship. On the laptop: ESPN.com's Draft Tracker, ProFootballTalk's Live Blog and PFT's Twitter Feed. And finally on the cell phone: NFL Mobile Live. And no, I still can't figure out why the Raiders took Darrius Heyward-Bey with the No. 7 overall pick.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 4

2009-04-24T18:07:00.004-04:00

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

The Washington Nationals, our favorite dysfunctional baseball team, benched and fined OF Elijah "It Was The" Dukes for arriving late to the ballpark last weekend. Grab some seat, Dukes, rules are rules, the club said. I'm sorry, did you say you were out helping kids at a local Little League field ??? As part of our community outreach program ??? Oh. Um, well, that's still no excuse, late is late. You sit. No, sit. That little old lady can cross the street all by herself.

Speaking of Little League, on Tuesday, 12-year-old Mackenzie Brown pitched a perfect game for her Bayonne, NJ team. That's right, her Little League team. Eighteen Bayonne boys up and 18 Bayonne boys down. And now the New York Mets have invited her to throw out the first pitch before Saturday's home game against the Nats. No truth to the rumor the Mets are praying Mackenzie trips on a loose baseball and breaks her arm so that her tendons heal too tight.

It's a proud day here at Noter Central. Our goal many years ago was to make sure the offspring became lifelong football fans. Mission accomplished. Youngest daughter, now 20, is using her Facebook "What's on your mind?" notice to gripe about the new 5-year contract extension our Carolina Panthers gave to QB Jake Delhomme, last seen delivering playoff picks at bulk mail rates to the Zona Cards. On the same day he signed it too. Hold on, I think there's something in my eye.

Footnote to the Elijah Dukes fine ... The Little Leaguers took up a collection and paid it for him. Kids paying the fine for a multi-millionaire baseball player. Go, Nats. Way to build that fan base, fellas.

If it's spring in Charlotte, it must be time for The Official Annual "Is Tiger Coming Or Not?" Vigil. The PGA Tour is in town next week and every year Elin's husband waits until the very last minute to announce his plans which of course gives everybody here the vapors. I swear if Great Caesar's Ghost himself showed up to play the pro-am in full toga and bite-me Oakleys, they'd still yawn if Tiger wasn't here.

Wait a minute, are those the premium seats that are mostly empty at new Yankee Stadium ??? You mean to tell me that $2,625 was too expensive for the privilege of sitting in one seat for three hours to watch one baseball game ??? I'm shocked, shocked I tell you. And the Mets over in their brand new Bailout Ballpark ... top price $495 a seat ... aren't filling theirs with Big Apple butts either. Not hard to believe, Harry.

Get well soon, Fridge.

See ya next time.

P.S. He's coming !!! Hot damn, he's gonna play. Get in the hole !!!

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 3

2009-04-19T18:45:00.017-04:00

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

I think it's fair to say Carl Pavano's career with the Yankees wasn't exactly confetti and champagne. Not after he got paid $38 million to win just 9 games over 4 seasons. Yeah, you do that and you'll be the poster boy for overspending and underachieving in the Bronx. And they won't fugeddaboudit either. Pavano is in Cleveland now but he was back in New York to help open new Yankee Stadium where the scoreboard now provides closed captioning for the hearing impaired. "[Crowd boos]" it said as Pavano was announced. Yep, it works. Cross that one off the punchlist.

Speaking of The House That $1.5 Billion Bought, apparently the Bombers didn't get the memo about how you're really not supposed to lose 22-4 in just the third game ever played in your new palace. But that'll happen when you let one little, two little, 14 little Indians score in the 2nd, the most runs scored against any Yankee team in any one inning in any park ever. Ok, so now we know the new scoreboard can handle double-digit innings too. Cross that one off the punchlist.

On Thursday, the Celtics announced that star C Kevin Garnett's knee injury might make him miss the NBA playoffs and perhaps doom the club's title repeat hopes. Later that day, GM Danny Ainge was hospitalized after suffering a mild heart attack. On Saturday, Boston lost Game 1, 105-103, in OT against Chicago. Note to Mass Gen doctors and staff ... Please don't let Danny read the paper or watch the tube. And you might wanna disable the thumbwheels in his Crackberry too.

Looks like the NFL got the word about messing with Yom Kippur as the Jets game scheduled for 4:15pm that day was moved up to 1:00pm and so now should end before the High Holy Day begins at sundown. No truth to the rumor that Pharoah Goodell changed the game time under pressure from a guy in a red robe yelling something about a booming voice in a burning bush. If it were true though, maybe the Jets should go back and ask the bush to help them with their draft.

Nothing says April baseball quite like Toronto, Kansas City, Seattle and Florida in first place. Sure, it's way too early to draw any conclusions except in Washington where the "NATINALS" are 1-10 and look like 2-9 would have been a miracle. And no, that's not a typo. On Friday, Ryan Zimmerman and Adam Dunn both wore jerseys that failed spell check. The missing "O" might've been metaphorically accurate but the Nats' bats really haven't been that bad. Instead, it's mostly been a Rocky Horror Pitcher Show. They just can't get anybody out. Not even Brad and Janet.

Is it me or does the buzz on the upcoming NFL Draft seem a little flat this year ??? Maybe it's the lack of any true top shelf college talent or maybe it's a backlash against the bailout-sized contracts the big picks are gonna get but I'm just not feeling it yet. I know Mel Kiper's been feeling it but that doesn't count cause he gets paid to feel it. [That's what she said.] So I think what I'm gonna do is this ... And it's simple really ... Let's just wait and see what Detroit does with the No. 1 pick. The Lions usually deliver draft day giggles so this one could be epic.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 2

2009-04-16T18:53:00.003-04:00

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

The 2009 NFL schedule is out and hey, right on schedule, somebody isn't happy. This time it's the J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets. In particular, it's the greater New York area J-E-W-S, Jews, Jews, Jews who are livid at the league for scheduling back-to-back NYJ home games on the two holiest days of the Jewish year, Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. And I'm right there with them too ... I mean, as Jets fans, haven't the Jews suffered enough already ???

Another April, another Green Jacket handed out down in Augusta. Not to Tiger and not to Phil although they made a stirring Sunday run at the Holy Sportcoat. And not to Kenny Perry who, at 48, woulda been the oldest majors champ ever. This time it was Angel Cabrera, the 2007 US Open winner, from Argentina in a playoff under the azaleas. Nicely done, Angel. Now all you gotta do is win a few more of these babies and your fellow Argentinians might put you up there with Diego Maradona and that other soccer guy. No, not that one, the other one. Oh yeah, him too.

And so ends the 30-year bus ride of John Madden, the most famous color man ever in an NFL booth. Madden pioneered the use of the telestrator to describe the action on the field. I just hope NBC gave him one as a retirement gift. You see here how Ginny slices the onions. Boom! And now here comes the minced garlic. Right there. Bang! Minced garlic is made from whole garlic cloves only it's minced, Al. That's why they call it minced garlic. And now for the crushed tomatoes. Wham! You know, Al, it really isn't tomato sauce without tomatoes. And my wife, Ginny, makes it the best. Al, I'd say Ginny has a leg up on this year's All-Madden Kitchen Team. Boom!

More on NFL schedule gripes ... In February, the Baltimore Nevermores complained about playing the Stillers too many times on national tube in prime time. Which loosely translated means ... Could you please stop showing us losing to Pittsburgh in front of so many people ??? Anyway, now the new schedule is out and the Birds are upset because ... May I have the envelope, please ... Because they didn't get enough games on national TV in prime time. Just three of them, an instant recipe for hurt feelings and "disrespeck". Oh and one is against the Steelers. How you like them apples ???

Finally, MLB does something right. Normally, Bud Light and his Keystone Kops can't manage their way out of a wet resin bag. But this year, at long last, on April 15th, everyone wearing a numbered uniform wore Jackie Robinson's retired No. 42 in honor of his historic 1947 Brooklyn Dodgers debut. So if you watched a ballgame that night, it was no use rubbing your eyes or changing the channel. That really was a whole field full of all 42's. In sizes S, M, L, XL, XXL and Prince Fielder. A very impressive sight even if it was just another day at the park for Mariano Rivera.

Rest in peace, Harry Kalas. Listening to a Phillies game will never sound the same again. You were our Vin Scully, Ernie Harwell, Harry Caray, Mel Allen, Red Barber and Jack Buck. I hope you and Whitey Ashburn have good seats up there. And when you tell him the Phils won it all last year, I gotta hunch what he's gonna say ... Hard to believe, Harry.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 1

2009-04-10T20:26:00.004-04:00

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Congratulations to the Columbus Blue Jackets for finally making the NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs. The CeeBeeJays were the last of the new wave teams to get a seat at the Big Boy table. Let's hope the good citizens of Columbus are ready for their first taste of playoff hockey ... That means no shaving your beards, no changing your underwear and throwing lots of disgusting dead sea creatures on the ice. Game On!

The 2009 MLB season got underway this week. And an awkward beginning it's been for my beloved Philadelphia Phillies, the defending world champeens. It's always awkward for the reigning kings. Giddy fans get to enjoy raising the banner and the ring ceremony and last pitch replays and national TV games and magazine covers and of course ... dreams of repeating. It's one big giant civic High Five and everybody is in on it.

And then they start playing the games and after four quick ones, the Phils are 1-3 and playing like they still have champagne in their eyes. Be careful, fellas. Yeah, I know what we promised last October. You're right, we said we wouldn't boo you ever again if you won it all. But that was a campaign promise. I mean, hey look, the Obama girls still don't have their puppy yet. Time to play some ball, boys, or we're gonna be warming up our leather lungs.

More on Columbus' first Stanley Cup playoff berth ... I checked and there are no SEC colleges playing ice hockey. You will be playing an NHL team. So rest easy because unlike that other team in your town, this time you have a chance.

No, I really don't wanna talk about the Evil Empire winning its 5th NCAA title. Sometimes the Death Star blows away Alderaan and sometimes the womprat-shooting kid blows away the Death Star. This was an Alderaan year, simple as that. It is a teeny-tiny consolation that Ol' Roy has now won as many titles in six years as his beloved mentor, Dean "Snuffy" Smith, won in 36. Sigh ... So I got that going for me which is nice.

If you're a Twitterer, you need to follow Shaq at http://twitter.com/the_real_shaq. Last night, The Big Tweet gave out 4 tickets to Suns at Memphis to the first person who found him while he was taking the tour at Graceland. No truth to the rumor that Shaq also shared a peanut butter and banana sandwich with the winner.

See ya next time.