The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 32

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Hats off to Christie Rampone, player-coach and captain of Sky Blue FC, the first champion of the brand new Women's Professional Soccer League. Rampone, who also captains the US national team, led her squad to upset playoff wins over the league's top three teams all on the road and all in just eight days. But when the champagne corks were popped and her giddy teammates noticed she wasn't getting all bubbly with them, that's when Christie had to let them in on her real news. Yep, you got it ... Mrs Rampone is 11 weeks pregnant. Minivan or no minivan, that's a soccer mom.

Michael Vick's line from the Eagles pre-season game against Jacksonville ... Six plays, 4 passes for 19 yards, 1 run for 1 yard. Donovan McNabb's line ... "Putting him in and taking me out disrupts the flow of the offense and hurts our rhythm." Yeah, this is gonna go well.

Carowinds, an amusement park here in Charlotte, announced this week a new roller coaster ride set to debut next summer. Say hello to The Intimidator, a 232-foot-high monster with a top speed of 80 mph. The thrill ride is named after the late great NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Sr and features seven steep drops, one for each of Earnhardt's Winston Cup championships. What they didn't say is they also send out the black No. 3 car right after yours to ride your sorry ass and bump you off the ride if you don't move over and let him pass. Hey, rubbin' is racin'.

No truth to the rumor that Carowinds is also planning a Dale Earnhardt Jr roller coaster that'll be the most popular ride in the entire park but will have no steep drops plus it'll develop engine trouble and whine about its stepmother.

Boy, it's nice to see Isiah Thomas back and causing problems again. Last seen turning the New York Knicks into a bad sitcom, Thomas is now head coach at little Florida International. Seems he thought his Golden Panthers were all set to play Ohio State in the season-opening Coaches vs Cancer Tournament. Thomas even said his team welcomed the tough challenge. Not so fast there, Zeke. Turns out FIU is playing defending champ North Carolina instead so now Isiah is miffed and threatening to stay home. So in other words, when it's for a worthwhile cause, it's okay to get your ass kicked but it's not okay to get it thoroughly abused. Got it, thanks.

Back in May, the Denver Nuggets had a scheduling conflict with the WWE. Game 4 of the Western Conference finals at home against the Lakers was scheduled for the same night as Monday Night Raw. But after a bit of his usual bluster, Vince McMahon packed up and left town. Winner: Nuggets. The Atlanta Dream is a WNBA team looking for its first playoff berth. But they too have a scheduling problem as Sesame Street Live! is booked at Phillips Arena just as the playoffs begin. Guess who has to move this time? That's right, ladies, you do not bump the Muppets. Winner: Elmo.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 31

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Former Jints WR Plaxico Burress pleaded guilty to gun charges last week and will now spend two years in a New York state prison. His lawyer later said Burress has hired a prison coach who will ... and I quote ... "address and advise us, Mr. Burress and his family, on what to expect while incarcerated, and how to use his period of confinement as productively as possible." Ah, you coulda saved your money, Plax. Really, here's all you need to know ... First, stay away from The Sisters. Then make friends with the guy who can get you things. Next, do all the guards' tax returns. And then hang a big poster of Rita Hayworth in your cell. Easy, peasy, Japanese-y.

I'm telling you, the Dawn of the Twitter Age is going to revolutionize the sports world. Hell, it's already happening as last week Miami Heat F Michael Beasley tweeted a twitpic ... try saying that three times fast ... of his sweet new back ink. Unfortunately for him, the aforementioned photo also showed Michael's sweet bag of the kind bud on the kitchen table behind him. And so now the story is Beasley has checked into a Houston rehab facility. Let's hope they add a 13th step to his recovery program ... Put Your Weed Away Before You Tweet.

This just in from our Reinforcing Sports Stereotypes Bureau ... Pro wrestler Kurt Angle was caught and charged with possession of HGH. And suspended NASCAR driver Jeremy Mayfield, who's already twice tested positive for methamphetamines, had his estranged stepmother arrested for trespassing after she showed up hammered at his home. The same stepmom who is NASCAR's principal witness against Mayfield. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.

The Chicago Cubs were finally sold this week to the billionaire Ricketts family for a cool $900 million dollars. J Joseph Ricketts is the patriarch of the Omaha, NE family who made their fortune starting up a small investment firm that later grew into TD Ameritrade, the big online brokerage firm. I'm sure the new owners will uphold the fine tradition of family ownership of the Cubs but this deal is still a puzzler. I mean, they're rich stockbrokers, right? Aren't they supposed to know how to pick winners?

The Pokes opened up their new $1.2 billion dollar playpen last week with a pre-season game against the Titans and, wouldn't you know it, there are still a few bugs to be worked out. Like for instance, the 60-yard-long, everything-is-bigger-in-Texas video screen that apparently nobody tested to see if a punter could hit. Um, yes, they can and now Dallas owner Jerry Jones will likely be asked to spend another $2,000,000 to raise the massive board out of reach. As you can guess, Double-J hates that idea but he won't have much choice. Besides, it's not like he's never had anything lifted before ...



See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 30

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Florida, defending mythical national champion Florida, is a 73 point favorite over Charleston Southern, a small Big South school and an afterthought even in Charleston, for their September 5th chompdown in The Swamp. Let's go to the math on this ... CharSou could give up 10 touchdowns and 10 extra points but ... but ... if they block a field goal, the Buccaneers will beat the spread. Go Bucs! Block that kick! Collect that check! {Yeah, I know, you're right, take the Gators.}

After all these years, all those trophies, all those soul-crushing, red shirt, back nine beatdowns, Tiger Woods finally coughed up a 54-hole lead in a major and lost the PGA to ... Yang Yong-eun. Not Phil, not Sergio, not Vijay, not Padraig but Y.E., the 110th ranked golfer in the world. Not only that but Yang was paired with El Tigre on Sunday and that turns most golfer's knees to shrimp and grits. And to top it all off, Y.E. took the lead on 14 with the same sort of ridiculous pitch for eagle that Woods normally destroys his foes with. Nicely done, Mr Yang. Have fun cashing that big check.

In last year's Olympic 100 meter final, Usain Bolt started celebrating early and yet still set a new world record of 9.69 seconds. Almost immediately, some folks wondered what Bolt woulda coulda shoulda run had he not eased up. Some cynics speculated he might've been saving a few 100ths just so he could collect the bonus that comes with each new record. Well, Bolt's bank account is just a little stouter now after his 9.58 at the Worlds in Berlin. The bonus isn't all that much ... just $100,000 ... but that's still $9,090.90 per chopped hundredth. Man, that's fast work.

How fast? Well, considering that NFL scouts and coaches literally drool over 40-yard dash times of 4.25 or so, Bolt's 9.58 would have stopped their watches after 3.5 seconds in the 40. Three point five in the 40. Hell, Bolt is already 6-5 and buffed. All he would need is good hands and a fly pattern and it'd be game over in the Enn Eff Ell.

Okay, here's my impression of sports media coverage over the last few days ... {inhale deep breath} ... Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Yang Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Bolt Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick ... {inhale} ... Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre ... {and exhale}.

A few photos surfaced last week showing Texas OF Josh Hamilton falling off the sobriety wagon back in January in a Tempe, AZ bar. His fall is notable, of course, because Hamilton almost squandered a serious boatload of baseball talent to drugs and swill before finding his way back through his faith and, to be fair, a really sweet left-handed power swing. It's a good story, it really is. Redemption, salvation, devotion, all the -tion's we believe make the difference. There's just one small problem here ... How come Josh looks like he's having so much fun in that bar?

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 29

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

On Wednesday night, one of those cute and cuddly Cubs bleacher fans tossed a cup of beer on Phillies CF Shane Victorino as he was making a catch near the wall. And then ... and this is just adorable ... the beerchucker pointed at someone else who was quickly whisked away by Chicago's finest. I guess now we know how Al Capone avoided arrest for so long. Anyway, after careful forensic photo analysis ... back and to the left, back and to the left, back and to the left ... the guy turned himself in to face charges. Hopefully, he'll be sentenced to watching more Cubs games.

And so Rick "Success Is A Choice But Apparently Adultery Is Not" Pitino is in a sex scandal. Extortion, abortion, distortion, whatever. It's as tawdry (and as unsurprising) as any other jock screwup. Hell, Pitino's got a great reputation for getting guys ready for the NBA. Maybe this was just another hands-on demonstration. But here's where it gets weird ... Coach Pitino had been invited to speak next month at Samford University Law School. But now that he's Coach Paternity, the school quickly ditched his speech. Which makes no sense, I mean, now he's got a legal issue to talk about, right?

More college news ... The NCAA punished yet another scalawag rogue program. This time it was that noted basketball factory, Southeast Missouri State, who felt the wrath of The Lords of Absurdity. Let's see now ... All hoops wins from 2006 through 2008. Poof. Gone baby gone because an assistant gave a player a ride to see his newborn baby. Another player got $239 to cover some unpaid admin fees. Also, three years of probee cause the coaches "observed out-of-season pickup games". Oh but that's not all ... A booster also paid the tuition for a former women's team player who needed one extra semester to get her degree. The nerve of some people.

And so The Michael Vick Experience at long last has landed in Philadelphia. I sure hope the Iggles know what they're doing. Last time they had a high profile, high maintenance, high energy guy in the locker room {cough} TO {cough}, they got off to a good start but later on it blew up like a gag cigar. One thing about Philly fans though ... If by some miracle of miracles, Michael Dwayne Vick actually helps bring home one (1) certified genuine Vince Lombardi Trophy to the COBL, he could light a box of puppies on fire in the middle of Broad Street and they'd give him a parade ... And then kick the ever living crap out of him.

Rumors are out that actress Kate Hudson wants boyfriend Alex Rodriguez to give her a little bundle of joy. Supposedly, she's even willing to pay for everything. Kate, sweetie, that's not the issue. Pay Rod's got plenty of spare coin laying around. The real problem is everybody knows the Yankee slugger is prone to pop out in the clutch. Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week. Try the veal.

Rest in peace, Eunice Kennedy Shriver. Thanks for the Special Olympics.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 28

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

This may be heresy but I worry that we fans are risking ovation inflation. When a big league pitcher throws 6 or 7 shutout innings, gives up a few hits, a coupla walks and then has to leave because his pitch count's at 105, that's called doing his job. A standing O, in this case, is standing overkill. We need to save the Big O's for no-hitters, playoff clinchers and the like. Same thing goes for the curtain call. Hitting a home run to make the score 6-2 in the third inning does not merit an applause shower. Save it for the big knocks. Like every other time Albert Pujols is up.

Appalachian State star QB Armanti Edwards is out 2-4 weeks after cutting his foot while mowing his lawn. As a freshman, Edwards led App State to that truly epic upset over Michigan in the Big House and from there went on to help the Mountaineers win their second and third straight Division 1-AA national titles. You know, I think the lesson here is obvious and hopefully, future young players can learn from Edwards' mistake ... Always go to a Division 1-A school. Somebody there will cut your lawn for you.

Tell me again why the NFL season should expand to 18 games? Training camps weren't open a week and already several players have suffered season-ending boo-boos. Everything from shredded knees to exploded tendons. Even with most teams seldom practicing live plays in full pads anymore, they're still dropping like an Aerosmith lead singer. At first, the idea of two more real football games sounds sweet but not if we have to watch a pair of M*A*S*H units going at it. Keep it at 16. Besides, Lions fans have already suffered enough.

More on the Enn Eff Ell ... Mark it down, this season will be like no other the league has ever seen. But I'm not talking on the field. No, we're at the dawn of the Twitter Age. The NFL sets the bar as far as information control is concerned but the Twitter genie is out of the bottle. Just this week, the Chargers fined Antonio Cromartie for tweeting about sucky camp food. But with lotsa players on each team happily twittering away, it won't be long before something really big explodes. You think the Browns might disinfect their locker room a little better now that "I got a staph infection" fits nicely in a tweet. Yeah, I think so too.

Rest in peace, Arena Football League. Nothing lasts forever but you guys lasted exactly 22 years longer than the experts said you would. Next up for the failure roll of honor is the UFL. Have fun, guys. Good luck with your bankruptcy filing.

I'm not sure but I think this is how the Olympic sport of ski jumping got started. Except there was snow. And beer. Lots of beer. Enjoy ...

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 27

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

NC State football coach Tom O'Brien complained about his team's schedule at last week's ACC pre-season mediapalooza. Seems he doesn't feel his Wolfpack should have to play rival North Carolina the week before the ACC Champeenship game. O'Brien thinks the title tilt should never be a rematch from the previous week and he wants the conference to make sure it can't happen. Not to worry, Tom. I think they've already figured out you and Butch Davis are gonna do that on your own.

Also noted at the ACC press gig, all 12 coaches expect big things from their teams this year. The kids have been working really hard and they've been giving it 110% in practice. If things go well, this could be a really special year for us. But there's a lot of football left to be played and we have a tough road ahead of us. There are a lot of good teams out there and that ball, you know, it takes some funny bounces sometimes so we're just going to play 'em one game at a time and let the chips fall where they may. The good Lord willing, I think we'll be all right.

Translation: We don't have a prayer. I told the AD I needed a private jet to recruit that hotshot running back but it wasn't in the budget. Also, unless my dadgum quarterback can pass remedial wood shop, I'm gonna hafta play the freshman back there and he only knows about six plays. Meanwhile, my All-American linebacker is sweating out a paternity suit, my kicker tore his ACL in a dorm prank and we open with three road games in a row against top 10 teams. I'll be lucky if I still have this job in December.

Okay, now that we know what put the "Big" in Big Papi, can we move on now? Or do we need to go through this faucet dripping torture one agonizing, steroid-using, fallen boyhood idol at a time? I think we get it now ... As long as all that big coin kept coming in, the Lords of Baseball blissfully looked the other way while the players, who treated their butts like pin cushions, took a dump on the holy record books while we watched in naive wonder. Message received. Everyone was juiced and nobody cared. Let's move on. Um, who's pitching tonight?

Wait a minute, the ESPN X Games are 15 years old? Man, that's a helluva long time for a manufactured niche event like that. Hell, the Chinese have gymnasts younger than the X Games. No doubt I'll celebrate XG15 by skipping it like every other year but I'll tell you what I would be tempted to watch ... The Special X Games. Oh come on, you know you just giggled.

See ya next time.