Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...Derby Day is almost here. "The Fastest Two Minutes In Sports" or as we like to call it ... "The Only Two Minutes When Anybody Gets Excited About Horse Racing Anymore" ... is always a great show. From the rich ladies wearing UFO hats and Jackie O sunglasses to the bourbon-soaked infield party to the wild bump-and-grind of a 20-pack of frisky 3-year-olds going a mile and a quarter, the Kentucky Derby is grand theater bluegrass-style. Recession be damned, it's mint julep time. Anybody know how to make one ???Just a hunch but New Orleans coach Byron Scott might want to update his resume. C'mon, it doesn't take a genius to see that Scott's lost his team. Game 4 says it all ... Nuggets 121, Hornets 63. Okay, so a 58 point loss ties the NBA record for worst ever playoff beatdown but sometimes a game gets out of hand, right ??? Try telling that to the home crowd. Yeah, that spankjob was down on the Pontchartrain. Folks, those are rollover minutes right there. Bon soir, Byron.Man, I thought my teams were the only ones who went down hard in the playoffs. But the New Jersey Devils aren't my guys and yes, that was them with a one goal lead coughing up two late scores in a Game 7 honk to the Carolina Hurricanes at home in the swamps of Jersey. With all-time winningest goalie ever, Martin Brodeur, playing the role of collander for the Devs too. Ouch. Tough luck, guys. Time to break out your golf bags.Are you ready to order ??? Yeah, I'll have whatever Zack Greinke is having.Off we go into the wild blue yonder, climbing high into the ... catch fence. Yep, it's been 40 years since Talladega was built and NASCAR still can't keep cars from flying the friendly skies in that Alabama launch pad. This time it was Carl Edwards' turn to prove Bernoulli's Principle in a last lap furball that sent him airborne and seven fans to the infirmary last Sunday. Look, we know the gearheads love their "Big One" crashes and they do look "oooh" great on the tube. But someday somebody's gonna get killed. It's not the cars and it's not the drivers. And it's not the restrictor plates or the yellow line either. It's the track. Dig it up and slow it down. Git 'er done. Here in Charlotte at this week's Quail Hollow Champeenship, Colts QB Peyton Manning teamed up with Tiger Woods in the Wednesday pro-am before the real golf got started. I like the pro-ams for two reasons ... One is it's fun to see the pros play with no pressure. Even better though is watching the ams play under real pressure not to look like, in this case, a quarterback playing golf. Apparently, Manning played just fine although Tiger had to explain to him several times that he couldn't audible his way out of that fried egg he left in the bunker on 18.See ya next time.
Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...Last time out, we were feeling the love for my youngest daughter's Facebook gripe over Jake Delhomme's new contract. Now it's my oldest daughter's turn. Spawn 1, a 2007 South Carolina graduate, was volunteering at a face painting booth during the recent annual spring festival here when a local sprout stepped up and asked for a Clemson Tiger paw. Sorry, she said ... Hold on, I have to collect myself here ... Sorry, little man, she said, this brush only paints Gamecocks. Attagirl.Well, the annual NFL Meat Market is over and every single team is furiously patting themselves on the back for their A++ draft hauls. Happens every year ... Oh, we got just the guy we wanted. We were surprised he fell this far. Our scouts had him rated much higher than where we picked him. We just wanted the best player available and that's what we got, a football player. This guy loves the game of football. We feel very lucky to have him. No question we're a better team now.And now for the translation ... Sigh, what we really wanted was the guy taken two spots before us. The reason he fell this far is he can't bench press a flower box. The only tape our scouts had on him was the Duke game and hell, everybody looks great against them. Yeah, he loves football but his agent promised he'll start hating it real soon unless our offer improves. We're very lucky his probation officer is a season ticket holder. And our team better be better or next year we'll all be gone.My late father was the first man I knew who devoted his entire day to tracking the NFL Draft. This was back in the early 80's when ESPN was still young and desperate. Mr Work Ethic himself actually called in sick just so he could watch every pick in every round. Have to admit, I didn't get it. I honestly thought the man had burned a few heat shields during re-entry. As it turns out, he was years ahead of his time ...And so on Saturday at 4:00pm when the Commish took his first trip to the podium, in honor of my dad's remarkable foresight, I had the following tools lit up and running ... On the tube: ESPN, the Mother Ship. On the laptop: ESPN.com's Draft Tracker, ProFootballTalk's Live Blog and PFT's Twitter Feed. And finally on the cell phone: NFL Mobile Live. And no, I still can't figure out why the Raiders took Darrius Heyward-Bey with the No. 7 overall pick.See ya next time.
Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...The Washington Nationals, our favorite dysfunctional baseball team, benched and fined OF Elijah "It Was The" Dukes for arriving late to the ballpark last weekend. Grab some seat, Dukes, rules are rules, the club said. I'm sorry, did you say you were out helping kids at a local Little League field ??? As part of our community outreach program ??? Oh. Um, well, that's still no excuse, late is late. You sit. No, sit. That little old lady can cross the street all by herself.Speaking of Little League, on Tuesday, 12-year-old Mackenzie Brown pitched a perfect game for her Bayonne, NJ team. That's right, her Little League team. Eighteen Bayonne boys up and 18 Bayonne boys down. And now the New York Mets have invited her to throw out the first pitch before Saturday's home game against the Nats. No truth to the rumor the Mets are praying Mackenzie trips on a loose baseball and breaks her arm so that her tendons heal too tight. It's a proud day here at Noter Central. Our goal many years ago was to make sure the offspring became lifelong football fans. Mission accomplished. Youngest daughter, now 20, is using her Facebook "What's on your mind?" notice to gripe about the new 5-year contract extension our Carolina Panthers gave to QB Jake Delhomme, last seen delivering playoff picks at bulk mail rates to the Zona Cards. On the same day he signed it too. Hold on, I think there's something in my eye.Footnote to the Elijah Dukes fine ... The Little Leaguers took up a collection and paid it for him. Kids paying the fine for a multi-millionaire baseball player. Go, Nats. Way to build that fan base, fellas.If it's spring in Charlotte, it must be time for The Official Annual "Is Tiger Coming Or Not?" Vigil. The PGA Tour is in town next week and every year Elin's husband waits until the very last minute to announce his plans which of course gives everybody here the vapors. I swear if Great Caesar's Ghost himself showed up to play the pro-am in full toga and bite-me Oakleys, they'd still yawn if Tiger wasn't here.Wait a minute, are those the premium seats that are mostly empty at new Yankee Stadium ??? You mean to tell me that $2,625 was too expensive for the privilege of sitting in one seat for three hours to watch one baseball game ??? I'm shocked, shocked I tell you. And the Mets over in their brand new Bailout Ballpark ... top price $495 a seat ... aren't filling theirs with Big Apple butts either. Not hard to believe, Harry.Get well soon, Fridge.See ya next time.P.S. He's coming !!! Hot damn, he's gonna play. Get in the hole !!!
Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...I think it's fair to say Carl Pavano's career with the Yankees wasn't exactly confetti and champagne. Not after he got paid $38 million to win just 9 games over 4 seasons. Yeah, you do that and you'll be the poster boy for overspending and underachieving in the Bronx. And they won't fugeddaboudit either. Pavano is in Cleveland now but he was back in New York to help open new Yankee Stadium where the scoreboard now provides closed captioning for the hearing impaired. "[Crowd boos]" it said as Pavano was announced. Yep, it works. Cross that one off the punchlist.Speaking of The House That $1.5 Billion Bought, apparently the Bombers didn't get the memo about how you're really not supposed to lose 22-4 in just the third game ever played in your new palace. But that'll happen when you let one little, two little, 14 little Indians score in the 2nd, the most runs scored against any Yankee team in any one inning in any park ever. Ok, so now we know the new scoreboard can handle double-digit innings too. Cross that one off the punchlist.On Thursday, the Celtics announced that star C Kevin Garnett's knee injury might make him miss the NBA playoffs and perhaps doom the club's title repeat hopes. Later that day, GM Danny Ainge was hospitalized after suffering a mild heart attack. On Saturday, Boston lost Game 1, 105-103, in OT against Chicago. Note to Mass Gen doctors and staff ... Please don't let Danny read the paper or watch the tube. And you might wanna disable the thumbwheels in his Crackberry too.Looks like the NFL got the word about messing with Yom Kippur as the Jets game scheduled for 4:15pm that day was moved up to 1:00pm and so now should end before the High Holy Day begins at sundown. No truth to the rumor that Pharoah Goodell changed the game time under pressure from a guy in a red robe yelling something about a booming voice in a burning bush. If it were true though, maybe the Jets should go back and ask the bush to help them with their draft.Nothing says April baseball quite like Toronto, Kansas City, Seattle and Florida in first place. Sure, it's way too early to draw any conclusions except in Washington where the "NATINALS" are 1-10 and look like 2-9 would have been a miracle. And no, that's not a typo. On Friday, Ryan Zimmerman and Adam Dunn both wore jerseys that failed spell check. The missing "O" might've been metaphorically accurate but the Nats' bats really haven't been that bad. Instead, it's mostly been a Rocky Horror Pitcher Show. They just can't get anybody out. Not even Brad and Janet.Is it me or does the buzz on the upcoming NFL Draft seem a little flat this year ??? Maybe it's the lack of any true top shelf college talent or maybe it's a backlash against the bailout-sized contracts the big picks are gonna get but I'm just not feeling it yet. I know Mel Kiper's been feeling it but that doesn't count cause he gets paid to feel it. [That's what she said.] So I think what I'm gonna do is this ... And it's simple really ... Let's just wait and see what Detroit does with the No. 1 pick. The Lions usually deliver draft day giggles so this one could be epic.See ya next time.
Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...The 2009 NFL schedule is out and hey, right on schedule, somebody isn't happy. This time it's the J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets. In particular, it's the greater New York area J-E-W-S, Jews, Jews, Jews who are livid at the league for scheduling back-to-back NYJ home games on the two holiest days of the Jewish year, Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. And I'm right there with them too ... I mean, as Jets fans, haven't the Jews suffered enough already ???Another April, another Green Jacket handed out down in Augusta. Not to Tiger and not to Phil although they made a stirring Sunday run at the Holy Sportcoat. And not to Kenny Perry who, at 48, woulda been the oldest majors champ ever. This time it was Angel Cabrera, the 2007 US Open winner, from Argentina in a playoff under the azaleas. Nicely done, Angel. Now all you gotta do is win a few more of these babies and your fellow Argentinians might put you up there with Diego Maradona and that other soccer guy. No, not that one, the other one. Oh yeah, him too.And so ends the 30-year bus ride of John Madden, the most famous color man ever in an NFL booth. Madden pioneered the use of the telestrator to describe the action on the field. I just hope NBC gave him one as a retirement gift. You see here how Ginny slices the onions. Boom! And now here comes the minced garlic. Right there. Bang! Minced garlic is made from whole garlic cloves only it's minced, Al. That's why they call it minced garlic. And now for the crushed tomatoes. Wham! You know, Al, it really isn't tomato sauce without tomatoes. And my wife, Ginny, makes it the best. Al, I'd say Ginny has a leg up on this year's All-Madden Kitchen Team. Boom!More on NFL schedule gripes ... In February, the Baltimore Nevermores complained about playing the Stillers too many times on national tube in prime time. Which loosely translated means ... Could you please stop showing us losing to Pittsburgh in front of so many people ??? Anyway, now the new schedule is out and the Birds are upset because ... May I have the envelope, please ... Because they didn't get enough games on national TV in prime time. Just three of them, an instant recipe for hurt feelings and "disrespeck". Oh and one is against the Steelers. How you like them apples ???Finally, MLB does something right. Normally, Bud Light and his Keystone Kops can't manage their way out of a wet resin bag. But this year, at long last, on April 15th, everyone wearing a numbered uniform wore Jackie Robinson's retired No. 42 in honor of his historic 1947 Brooklyn Dodgers debut. So if you watched a ballgame that night, it was no use rubbing your eyes or changing the channel. That really was a whole field full of all 42's. In sizes S, M, L, XL, XXL and Prince Fielder. A very impressive sight even if it was just another day at the park for Mariano Rivera.Rest in peace, Harry Kalas. Listening to a Phillies game will never sound the same again. You were our Vin Scully, Ernie Harwell, Harry Caray, Mel Allen, Red Barber and Jack Buck. I hope you and Whitey Ashburn have good seats up there. And when you tell him the Phils won it all last year, I gotta hunch what he's gonna say ... Hard to believe, Harry.See ya next time.
Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...Congratulations to the Columbus Blue Jackets for finally making the NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs. The CeeBeeJays were the last of the new wave teams to get a seat at the Big Boy table. Let's hope the good citizens of Columbus are ready for their first taste of playoff hockey ... That means no shaving your beards, no changing your underwear and throwing lots of disgusting dead sea creatures on the ice. Game On!The 2009 MLB season got underway this week. And an awkward beginning it's been for my beloved Philadelphia Phillies, the defending world champeens. It's always awkward for the reigning kings. Giddy fans get to enjoy raising the banner and the ring ceremony and last pitch replays and national TV games and magazine covers and of course ... dreams of repeating. It's one big giant civic High Five and everybody is in on it. And then they start playing the games and after four quick ones, the Phils are 1-3 and playing like they still have champagne in their eyes. Be careful, fellas. Yeah, I know what we promised last October. You're right, we said we wouldn't boo you ever again if you won it all. But that was a campaign promise. I mean, hey look, the Obama girls still don't have their puppy yet. Time to play some ball, boys, or we're gonna be warming up our leather lungs.More on Columbus' first Stanley Cup playoff berth ... I checked and there are no SEC colleges playing ice hockey. You will be playing an NHL team. So rest easy because unlike that other team in your town, this time you have a chance.No, I really don't wanna talk about the Evil Empire winning its 5th NCAA title. Sometimes the Death Star blows away Alderaan and sometimes the womprat-shooting kid blows away the Death Star. This was an Alderaan year, simple as that. It is a teeny-tiny consolation that Ol' Roy has now won as many titles in six years as his beloved mentor, Dean "Snuffy" Smith, won in 36. Sigh ... So I got that going for me which is nice.If you're a Twitterer, you need to follow Shaq at http://twitter.com/the_real_shaq. Last night, The Big Tweet gave out 4 tickets to Suns at Memphis to the first person who found him while he was taking the tour at Graceland. No truth to the rumor that Shaq also shared a peanut butter and banana sandwich with the winner.See ya next time.
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