Sunday, December 6, 2009
The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 47
Two days after Vikings star RB Adrian Peterson was pulled over for going 109 in a 55, teammate Bernard Berrian was stopped and ticketed for doing 104 in a 60. Say whatever you want about the Vikes but that's great team speed right there. No truth to the rumor Brett Favre was also pulled over but he was doing 35 in a 60 while weaving from lane to lane with his turn signal on.
The 2010 World Cup draw was announced this week and we got ourselves a 1776 rematch in Group C. It's Redcoats vs Bluecoats all over again. Cornwallis vs Washington. Chips against Fries. Colour vs Color. Beatles and Elvis. Mirren-Streep. Left lane-Right lane. £ vs $. "God Save The Queen" up against "My Country, 'Tis of Thee". Beckham-Donovan. Crown against Colonies. Brits against Yanks. Bring it, England.
Bath time is a special time between you and your newborn. When the two of you are bonding, there's no room for tears. That's why Johnson's together with the NCAA and the Florida Gators are pleased to announce ... Tim Tebow's No More Tears baby shampoo. Just wet your little quarterback's hair and gently apply a small dab of shampoo. Lather, rinse and enjoy this special moment together. Keep out of reach of children. Do not use if BCS title hopes are broken.
And speaking of tears, Allen Iverson got a little verklempt at a presser announcing his return to the Sixers last week. Which is odd cause most players shed happy tears when they finally get out of Philadelphia, not back to it. Meanwhile, in other Association news, Ron Artest admitted he used to take sips of Hennessey at halftime when he was with Chicago ... Hey, at least he drank the good stuff ... And commish David Stern said he could envision a woman playing in the NBA before long. So there you have it ... Wine, women and a (redemption) song.
One of these years, the NFL is really gonna hafta get over Janet Jackson's infamous boob flash and get back to scheduling relevant acts for Super Bowl halftime shows. Look, I love The Who. They were *the* party band of my college years. But that was 30 years ago and now they're just Roger Daltrey and Pete Townshend with a backup band. Hell, I'm worried Pete's gonna throw his shoulder out any time he tries his patented windmill move. Clearly, the league doesn't wanna take any more chances but somebody needs to hack into Roger Goodell's iTunes and download him some new bands. Preferably those who aren't collecting Social Security yet.
See ya next time.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 46
Hey, Tiger, how was your Thanksgiving? Yeah, I know, saw it on the tube. We all did. So have you picked out the Kobe Special you're gonna give to Elin? If you don't remember, Kobe gave Vanessa an 8-karat purple stone worth a cool $4 mill after his little Colorado misadventure a few years back. When a golfer shoots a double bogey "8" on a par 4 hole, that's a snowman, right? Yeah, I'm thinking Elin won't mind a little Frosty The Snowman riding high on her ring finger. Lucky for you, you're just in time for the Christmas shopping season. Ho-ho-ho.
As for
Buh-bye, Charlie Weis. See ya, Al Groh. Adios muchachos, Mark Mangino. But of all the college football coaches who are now no longer college football coaches, I think I'll miss you most of all, Diddy. Yeah, the ol' college game just won't be the same without ol' Bobby Bowden. It's been several years since his Florida State Seminoles were the holy terrors of the sport. And it's also been several years since his players were the holy terrors of the Tallahassee police station. Coincidence? I dunno but I do know this ... Nobody had a better WTF face than Diddy when his kickers went wide right.
Going out on a limb here but I don't think the New Jersey Nets, a blemished 0-17 to start the season, are gonna make the NBA playoffs. Call it a hunch.
Next time you need an example of business "synergy", that is, the interaction of different business operations whose combined effect is greater than the sum of those businesses by themselves, just consider Magic Johnson's thriving empire. Magic has long been an astute businessman but now he's bordering on just pure genius. That's because his Magic Johnson Enterprises owns well over a hundred Starbucks ... and ... about a dozen 24 Hour Fitness gyms. That's how it's done, folks. First you fatten 'em up and then you slim 'em down. Lather, rinse, repeat.
See ya next time.
(h/t to reader Dan'l Medvid for "Cheetah")
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 45
All right, I'll admit it, I have no idea who Manny Pacquiao is. Hell, I had never heard of Miguel Cotto either. It would seem though that Mr Pacquiao picked a bad time to be born because the good old days of boxing are just that. We used to be on a last name-only basis with the best fighters ... Ali, Frazier, Foreman, Leonard, Duran, Hagler, Hearns and so on. And then I guess around Mike Tyson's time, we switched back to first and last names ... Evander Holyfield, Lennox Lewis, Oscar de la Hoya ... I mean, even Foreman was George Foreman when he made his grill-selling comeback. We need last name boxers again. And ones that don't require spell check would be nice too.
Did you see the handball that French football star Thierry Henry used to
According to SI's most recent "Sign of the Apocalypse" note, a Japanese lingerie company is selling a new bra that unrolls to form a 5-foot putting mat. Personally, I prefer the 6-foot model although any length is fine provided it's got good cup size. No truth to the rumor though that Kevin Costner is now in talks with the company to reprise his Roy McAvoy role in a sequel called ... wait for it ... "Tin Cups".
I'm probably gonna regret this but of all the so-called minor sports, nothing in my opinion is more pointless than women's college basketball. All college sports have their own self-fulfilling recruiting imbalances ... The best football players always choose one of the big heavies like Florida, Texas, Southern Cal, Ohio State and so on. Likewise, the best lacrosse players go to Hopkins, Syracuse, Virginia and a few others. But if you're on a chick hoops team other than UConn or maybe Tennessee, you might as well be on the Washington Generals. And you better get used to hearing "Sweet Georgia Brown" play while you're at it.
Rest in peace, Abe Pollin.
See ya next time.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 44
Last Sunday, as the Saints offense started to get rolling in the second half against my Panthers, former Ravens bossman Brian Billick, who was doing the color commentary, said ... "Now we're finally going to see New Orleans show us The Full Monty". Unquote. And I thought to myself ... Um, he either saw a completely different movie or I'm about to change this channel real quick.
Got an e-mail from Amazon this morning. It read ... We've noticed that customers who have purchased 2008 Philadelphia Phillies: The Official World Series Film have also purchased 2009 World Series Highlights on DVD. You can now pre-order yours at a savings of $5.00 off by following the link below ... click on Reply
I have a theory about Bengals WR Chad "Ya Doesn't Have To Call Me Johnson" Ochocinco. I think the NFL secretly loves his antics and can't wait to see what he does next. Chad's latest stunt took place last week against Baltimore when he offered a $1 bill to a ref during a replay challenge. On Friday, he was fined $20,000 for attempting to "bribe" the official but I still think the league doesn't mind all that much. I mean, 20 large buys a lotta coffee packs, juice bottles and microwave popcorn back at Park Avenue headquarters.
Does anyone know why Raiders coach Tom Cable still has a job? I mean, first he broke an assistant coach's jaw during a training camp spat. Then he was accused by not one but two women, his first wife and a former girlfriend, of physical abuse which delighted the ladies at NOW, the National Organization for Women, so much they want Cable suspended right NOW. Meanwhile, he's 2-6 this year and 6-14 overall. QB JaMarcus Russell is a massive bust, the other players are either playing poorly or bitching about not playing poorly and the only one having a great season is the punter. And yet, Tom Cable is still not collecting unemployment. Must be nice.
Uh-oh, Cleveland, this is not good. The Cavs' ubersuperdupermegastar LeBron James says he'll switch from wearing No. 23 to No. 6 next season as a tribute to Michael Jordan. Ah, but what James doesn't say is exactly whose No. 6 he'll be wearing. LBJ is eligible for unrestricted free agency next summer and desperate teams (Hi, Knicks!) have been clearing huge swathes of cap space just for him. So next year, either every kid in Cleveland will be bugging mom for a new Cavaliers "JAMES 6" jersey or every kid in some other NBA city will be. Enjoy the rest of the year, Cleveland.
See ya next time.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 43
Hats off to the New York Yankees for their ... What was it? Oh yeah ... their 27th World Series title. They deserved it. They beat my beloved Phillies fair and square. I just have one small little gripe though. I really don't mind the whole $ thing. The Yankees have more coin than God and they spend it. Good for them. But please, can we stop with all the drama about their guts and glory and overcoming adversity and nobody believed in us and such? There are no Rudy's in the New York dugout. When you're supposed to win a world champeenship, it's just a job well done. Well done.
Speaking of Rudy, let's do a little comparison shopping, shall we? Notre Dame, Stanford and Northwestern are all prestigious private schools with superb academic reputations and long lists of successful alumni. Notre Dame, however, is the only one of the three with a historic and legendary, nationally-followed, Hollywood-adored football program. So will the school that beat a Top 10 team last weekend while not honking at home to a service academy, please take one step forward ... All right, Stanford ... Okay, Northwestern ... Wait, not so fast there, Irish.
Final score ... Twitter 1, Larry Johnson 0.
Did you see where San Antonio guard Manu Ginobili swatted a stray bat out of the air during the Spurs' Halloween home game? As the other players scattered, the little fellow flew around the court until Manu snagged him and carried him away. Of course, no good deed goes unpunished cause the Argentine star now has to get rabies shots to make sure he's okay. No truth to the rumor Ginobili also lives in a stately manor and drives an illegal but seriously cool, rocket-powered car while keeping a fictitious city safe from a cackling maniac in bad makeup using nothing more than a beltful of wonderful toys.
NFL Week 9 notes ... The Bengals look like they're maybe kinda sorta for real while Duh Bears most definitely do not. The Jints are in a serious swoon while the Titans are out of theirs courtesy of putting Kerry Collins back in mothballs in favor of Vince "I'll Try Not To Pout This Time" Young. Meanwhile, them Saints keep finding interesting ways to win and the Iggles keep finding interesting ways not to. The Dead$kins are truly awful and that oughta keep the deliciously sour quotes from perturbed ex-Skin John Riggins still coming. And finally, the Bucs ended their long winless streak after reverting to their old comical Bucco Bruce creamsicle unis. Nicely done, Bucs, and let me say this ... You looked *fabulous*.
See ya next time.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 42
Boy, it sure was quiet at times in new Yankee Stadium during the World Series this week. You'd think by now owners would've figured out that higher ticket prices mean lower decibels. Also, I really don't understand why they ditched the old Yankee Stadium, the self-proclaimed "Cathedral of Baseball". I mean, you'll never hear the Pope say the Vatican needs a spiffy new St Peter's with club seats and valet parking, right? Seems like that $1.2 billion coulda gone a long way toward sprucing up the old church. Not to mention keeping Yankee fans in full-throated roar.
Hello, you have reached Gary Bettman, commissioner of the NHL. I'm sorry but I can't come to the phone right now. Press 1 if you'd like to pretty please buy the Phoenix Coyotes. Press 2 if you'd like to broadcast our games and your cable channel isn't up there like at 206 or something. Press 3 if you still don't understand the icing rule. And if you're Wayne Gretzky, just leave a message at the beep and I'll get back to you whenever I come up with a good reason why we don't want you anymore. Because clearly all my business decisions have been perfect and I just don't need the game's greatest scorer and one of its most decorated stars of all time involved in the sport. Beep.
Wow, what are the odds that the cast of a hit show on FOX like Glee would sing the national anthem before a World Series game on FOX? Probably about the same as the baseball umpires blowing still more crucial calls. Boy, are they having a tough time of it this post-season. As it is, disgraced ex-NBA ref Tim Donaghy is probably sitting there in his jail cell wondering why he didn't like baseball more.
Excerpts from retired tennis star Andre Agassi's new autobiography were released this week and in it Andre admits he likes warm milk and cookies before bedtime, listens to Pat Boone records and that 15 minutes can indeed save you 15% or more on your car insurance. Nah, what Andre really said is his father was a royal pain in the racket, his classic early-90's puffy mullet was actually a hairpiece and he lied his way out of a failed crystal meth drug test. Wait, what? A fake mullet? Oh no, say it ain't so, Andre.
See ya next time.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 41
It takes a very special organization, one almost totally devoid of football talent and imagination, to make Terrell Owens irrelevant to all but the most desperate fantasy owners. Ladies and gentlemen, your Buffalo Bills. Golf clap.
Philadelphia police on Tuesday arrested Susan Finkelstein, 43, a devoted Phillies fan in way more ways than one, on prostitution charges for offering her, um, "services" on Craigslist in exchange for coveted World Series tickets. She was nabbed after describing her "offer" in detail to the undercover officer who answered the ad. Susan, Susan, Susan, you got it all wrong, girl. First you get the tickets ... Then you negotiate the price. Priorities, my dear, priorities.
Speaking of naughtiness, what in the worldwide leader of sports is going on at ESPN? Former Met GM Steve Phillips lost his baseball analyst gig this week after a 22-year-old production assistant he'd had a fling with went all Glenn Close on him. Don't worry, no bunnies got boiled. Just a routine stalking. Also in the last few years, Rich Eisen, Sean Salisbury and Harold Reynolds each got tangled up in various and sundry steamy scandals. Hell, at the rate they're getting some in Bristol, I wouldn't be surprised if www.espnxxx.com will be up and running soon.
Hey, is a Bronx Cheer redundant if it's in The Bronx?
Whoever came up with the idea of sending New England over to England is a genius on two levels. One, thank you for putting the Patriots on a plane and getting them out of the country for a week. Let Fleet Street slobber all over Tom Brady for a change and give us all a much-needed break. But more importantly, I can't think of a better "away" team to send back to Merry Old than the Pats. You know, just to remind them ... again ... who won that little intrasquad scrimmage back in 1776. Hopefully somewhere, wherever he is, King George III is muttering to himself ... Sod it all, I should have sent more redcoats over there and taught those cheeky colonies some proper manners.
Dear Charlie Manuel, I like your decision to start Pedro Martinez in Game 2 of the World Series at Yankee Stadium. Just one small piece of advice though ... Don't leave him in too long. Your friend, Grady Little.
One last nudge nudge wink wink item ... Some of the Tampa Bay Lightning players admitted this week they sometimes play a game after practice they call "naked shootout". Yep, that's right, the players take turns trying to make penalty shots and if you miss, you hafta lose a piece of practice gear until you make one. Apparently one day recently, Martin St Louis lost his jersey, arm pads, leg pads, leggings and even his skates before he finally put a biscuit in the basket. You know, there might be a few sports that could work if played in the buff. I mean, the ancient Greeks were masters of that idea. But ice hockey is definitely not one of them. Hell, I don't even want to think about 2:00 minutes for slashing. No, thank you.
See ya next time.
Footnote: She is going to get her World Series tickets after all. A local Philadelphia radio station says they've invited Susan Finkelstein to go on air where they'll present her with tickets ... and with no strings attached either. Wait, what? You mean it worked? Hard to believe, Harry.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 40
With just half a mile to go in Sunday's Des Moines Marathon, Simon Sawe had a comfortable 10-second lead over fellow Kenyan David Tuwei. And then he didn't. And then the third-place runner caught up too ... All thanks to an Iowa freight train that apparently didn't get the memo. Good news is Sawe still won the race with a sprint to the finish once the train had passed. Bad news is nobody bothered to tell the runners this was just a ... wait for it ... training exercise. Ooh, rim shot!
The New Jersey Nets are offering a fun new promotion this NBA season called "Your Ticket To A Player". For just a mere $25,000, you get four courtside seats, free food and drinks plus parking for 10 home games. But that's not all ... You also get one (1) hour with the Nets player of your choice. He can come to your birthday party or an office social or even your kid's Bar Mitzvah, whatever you want. Me personally, I got some ceiling fans I need dusted plus some light bulbs to change.
In other hoops news, looks like the Detroit Shock are moving to Tulsa. Fine, whatever. But take a close look at the AP news item where this story first broke ...
The WNBA's Detroit Shock are moving to Tulsa, OK, a team official told The Associated Press. The official spoke on the condition of anonymity Monday because he was not authorized to make the announcement ...
What the hell does that mean? If you're not authorized to make the announcement, then why are you making the announcement? You see this all the time and nobody ever seems to suffer for it. You never hear later on that Team So-and-So fired Joe Schmoe because Joe leaked something he shouldn't have. And why all the secrecy? I mean, it's the WNBA where "We Got Next" apparently now applies to cities, not just games. Look, the Shock is either moving to Tulsa or it's not. When did chick hoops become a spy novel?
In a Week 16 game last year, Tennessee beat Pittsburgh to run their record to an NFL best 13-2. After the game though, several Titans celebrated by stomping on a Steeler Terrible Towel. They haven't won since and that includes last week's humiliating 59-0 skunkjob by the Patriots. In 2005, the Bengals did likewise and they tanked too. So is there a Curse of the Towel going on here? I dunno but I propose a rigorous scientific experiment ... First, rip up all the carpet in the visitor's locker room. Same goes for the walkway leading to Heinz Field. And then pull up all the turf on the opponent's sideline too. And then replace everything with towels. Hundreds and hundreds of Terrible Towels. Towels everywhere. And then let's see what happens.
Check this 12-year-old kid out. The dream of a lifetime ...
See ya next time.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 39
A 70-year-old golfer recently lost his arm when he reached into a pond for his ball at a Beaufort, SC golf course and a 10-foot alligator attacked him. No truth to the rumor the one-armed duffer will now mentor an SNL comedian in a Bruins jersey who uses an unorthodox hockey slapshot off the tee but gets his ass kicked by an octogenarian game show host. Of course, if that doesn't work out, he could always captain an imaginary pirate ship against a motley gang of displaced orphan boys.
This is the second year in a row the Dodgers and my beloved Phillies have met in the NLCS. They also met back in 1977 and 78. Larry Bowa played shortstop for the Phils back then. I loved Larry Bowa. Larry Bowa is now the third base coach for the Dodgers. I hate Larry Bowa. Davey Lopes played second base for the Dodgers back then. I hated Davey Lopes. Davey Lopes is now the first base coach for the Phillies. I love Davey Lopes. Jerry Seinfeld is right ... We cheer for laundry.
Note to NASCAR ... When you scrapped the old Cup series points system six years ago for the new playoff-style Chase for the Championship, you said it was cause race fans were bored with the lack of suspense down the stretch. Well, Jimmie Johnson is almost a mortal lock now to win his fourth straight Chase title. Keep up the good work on the crashes and all the nitpicky rules violations. Those are still great fun but the suspense problem is still a little loose in the turns.
Good morning, Coach Jim Zorn's office, may I ask who's calling? Jim, it's Coors Light on the phone. They want to know when you'd like to audition for one of their TV commercials featuring former NFL head coaches giving mock press conferences. Um, yes, hello again, sorry to keep you waiting ... Coach Zorn says the Redskins haven't fired him yet so he doesn't know what you're talking about. Yes, I can put you on hold.
More NASCAR ... Here in Charlotte this week, the inaugural class for the new Hall of Fame was announced. Richard Petty and Dale Earnhardt were gimmes. So was Bill France Sr, the George Halas-type founding father of stock car racing. His son, Bill France Jr, also made it for his work in exploding NASCAR onto the national scene. But my favorite choice, of course, is Junior Johnson, the old legendary backroads moonshiner who ruled the early days. No matter how many California surf gods or Indiana farm boys make their way down South, racin's roots will always be whiskey, tobacky, fried chicken bones and a basket of warm hush puppies. Mmm, pups.
See ya next time.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 38
Hey, I got an idea ... Seeing as how Halloween is coming up soon, let's scare the bejeebers out of the entire city of St Louis, most of the state of Missouri and pretty much the entire flood plain of the upper-middle Mississippi River heartland ... "Pujols in no hurry to talk extension with Cards".
Okay, we're past the quarter pole in the NFL season and one thing is abundantly clear. We are seeing perhaps the worst collection of truly godawful bad pro football teams ever. Seriously, can't anybody here play this game? The Rams, Chiefs, Bucs and Titans are all 0-5 while the Bills, Browns and Raiders are all 1-4. The Dead$kins are awful and my Panthers aren't much better. And then there's the Lions who are 1-4 themselves but at least ended their 0-19 skid. At this pace, Detroit could become the first team to go 4-12 and get the 10th draft pick. Brutal, Juice, brutal.
Speaking of the Browns that be in Cleveland, The Quarterback Formerly Known As Starting, Brady Quinn, has put his house up for sale not so coincidentally after losing his job just days before the NFL trade deadline to Derek "2-for-17" Anderson. You know, I almost feel sorry for The Not So Mighty Quinn. Yeah, he makes a lotta coin but it used to be a lot easier for a
There's really not a whole lot I wanna say about Rush Limbaugh's ill-fated attempt to buy a chunk of the St Louis Rams. Let's just say that Rush is either a genius at self-promotion or completely tone deaf to his ability to create controversy. Yeah, I'm leaning toward genius too. Anyway, he's off the team now because the NFL wants no part of his polarizing persona. I'll tell you though, had he succeeded, his radio show would've been epic. I mean, the Rams are so bad he could've ranted his entire week just about them ...
Monday ... How socialism ruined my offensive line.
Tuesday ... My special teams unit needs a bailout.
Wednesday ... The referees are all liberals.
Thursday ... Never hire a Democrat as head coach.
Friday ... Obama made us lose.
Rest in peace, Capt Lou Albano.
See ya next time.
Monday, September 28, 2009
The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 37
Terrell Owens said last week he'd like to be an actor after his football career is over. Allright, TO, let's see what kinda chops you got ... In this scene, I wanna see anger. Let's see how mad you can get. Really angry. Okay, quiet on the set and ... Action! Okay, cut. No, that's not quite it, TO. I need rage. Let me see furious. I'll tell you what ... Pretend I'm a quarterback who won't throw you the ball. Ready and ... Action! Cut! That's it! Perfect! Okay, TO, now I wanna see surprise. This time I'll throw you a pass but you drop it. This should be easy. You won't even have to act for this one.
Lakers F Lamar Odom got married over the weekend to reality TV star Khloe Kardashian. Way to be a team player, Lamar. You're the third best Laker and you married the third hottest Kardashian. Good job.
NFL Week 3 Notes ... Washington gave Detroit another bailout. The Titans (Jets) beat the Oilers (Titans). The Colts don't seem to be missing Tony Dungy very much. The Bengals finally beat the Steelers at home, the Dolphins are on their way to an impressive worst-to-first-to-worst season, the Browns are showing more fight in their locker room than on the field and Brett Favre showed us all just one more time why he's so much more enjoyable when he just shuts up and plays.
I really like and appreciate ESPN's impressive new online venture, ESPNBoston.com, a dedicated Web portal that nicely consolidates and organizes a variety of news and information concerning the Boston sports scene. It now makes it so much easier to ignore the variety of news and information concerning the Boston sports scene.
My Phillies, the defending World Series champs, are starring in a new movie, The Year of Lidging Dangerously, as last year's hero closer Brad Lidge continues to pour diesel fuel on this year's save situations. Listen, Brad, seriously, loved what you did last year. 48 saves in 48 attempts can't be topped. But you're blowing saves in the wrong city to be blowing anything in. There's still time since the Phils look safe for a playoff spot but you still might wanna call ahead and get a quote on a moving van. And ask for a fast one. Just in case.
So here's what we know after a month of college football ... Poodle Pete's SoCal Trojans honked their title shot. So did Okie State, Penn State, Cal and Ole Miss. Defending mythical champ Florida is chomping on cupcakes but looked beatable against mouthy Tennessee. Meanwhile, Michigan's got a 19-year-old true freshman, Tate Forcier, running around making storybook quarterback plays in the Big House. Just a hunch but I'm guessing the kid won't have a problem getting a bid to pledge a U-M frat. He probably won't do too bad at the U-M sororities either.
See ya next time.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 36
Most NFL teams fine players for all kinds of Mickey Mouse stuff. If you're five minutes late to a meeting or forget to wear a tie on the plane, next week's front office doughnuts are on you. Some teams though go the extra mile. After one player left his hotel room without paying for a $3 bottle of water, Cleveland Browns coach Eric Mangini fined him $1,701. He could've just deducted $3 from the player's next game check but instead Mangini carefully calculated the absolute maximum amount he could collect according to league rules. Way to build good chemistry there, coach. And way to get the league's first ever dry Gatorade bath if you ever do win a big game.
Actually, there's probably a better reason why Eric Mangini is cracking down on unpaid bottles of acqua. Seeing as how the league docked the ex-Jets coach 25 boxes of ziti for hiding Brett Favre's arm injury last year, the new Don in Cleveland must need to skim a little more vig from some of his big earners so he can make his nut and pay off New York. A fanabla.
After the double embarrassment of losing to Boise State and then suspending their star running back, the Oregon Ducks couldn't sink much lower. And now they're out $439 too. One unhappy Duck alum wrote a scathing letter to coach Chip Kelly and even included an invoice for his travel expenses up to Idaho. To which Kelly attached his personal check and sent it back. Honestly, I didn't think that would work but all right then ...
Dear Eagles, enclosed please find an invoice for eleventy three gazillion dollars to cover tickets, parking, tolls, gas, concessions and personal anguish with interest for coughing up that 23-0 lead with 8:27 to play in the 4th quarter and losing 28-23 to the Vikings at The Vet back on December 1, 1985. No, I haven't forgotten. There's no effing way Jaworski should've run that naked boot ... which he fumbled for one score ... and I still don't understand how Anthony Carter got behind the deep prevent twice for two more scores. Please make check payable to Section 719, Row 14, Seats 19-20. Thank you. P.S. Just in case you've forgotten ...
http://www.pro-football-reference.com/boxscores/198512010phi.htm
Dear New Cowboys Stadium, congratulations on setting an NFL regular season attendance record of 105,121 at your debut this past Sunday night against the Jints. We've been sitting that many college fans for decades and without 30,000 SRO's who couldn't see anything but stetsons and shoulders in every direction too. Best regards, Penn State Beaver Stadium, Michigan Stadium, Ohio State Stadium, Tennessee Neyland Stadium and Texas Longhorn Stadium.
NFL Week 2 Notes ... The J-E-T-S won Super Bowl 43 1/8th with a self-proclaimed epic regular season win over their hated rival Patriots. Tony Romo pretended the Pokes home opener was a playoff game. The Jagwires unveiled new home uniforms in front of old empty seats. Ray Lewis demonstrated just how easy it is to tackle a back when nobody blocks him. And Chad "Child, Please" Ochocinco did the Lambeau Leap right into a seething pit of Lambeau middle fingers. Straight up, yo.
See ya next time.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 35
That was quite the slobberfest that broke out last week after Derek Jeter tied and then passed Lou Gehrig for most career hits as a New York Yankee. Jeter's new pinstripe record is 2,722 and counting. Let's see now, that's 1,178 fewer hits than Ty Cobb had with the Tigers, 908 fewer hits than Stan Musial had with the Cards and 697 fewer hits than Carl Yastrzemski had with the Red Sox. Nah, there wasn't any media hype over Jeter's new mark. Okay, maybe a little. I'm sure the fact Derek plays in New York is just a coincidence, right?
For his own personal safety, I wonder if Jamie Foxx is now rethinking that whole "Serena, let me be your tennis ball" thing. Look, I think Serena Williams is all that and a bag of chips. But she's gonna hafta take her lady lumps for nearly scaring that poor lineswoman half to death in the US Open semis against eventual champ Kim Clijsters. From the replay, it looked like a bad call but I wouldn't blame her if she never called another foot fault again in her life. Serena, please don't hurt me with that ball.
Speaking of tennis, that was a sweet upset win by Argentina's Juan Martin del Potro over 5-time defending US Open champ and tennis machine Roger Federer. And if you had unseeded comeback mommy Kim Clijsters and sixth-seeded del Potro in your US Open fantasy pool, I'd really like to sit down and have a talk with you. I got some lottery tickets here that need help.
Here's a nice little story ... For 43 years, Bob Fulton was South Carolina's "Voice of the Gamecocks". Fulton, who retired in 1995, is 88 now and recently spent two weeks in a physical rehab clinic after a fall at home. His roommate there, a fellow Gamecock fan, was blind and asked Bob if he could call the game on TV against NC State for him. And so he did. Just like old times. Pretty soon a crowd of nurses, visitors and other patients gathered around the set to listen to the legend. The Cocks won that game but Bob was discharged from the center before the next game, last Saturday's loss to No. 23 Georgia. Which is just as well, I suppose. Even a blind man could see that one coming.
Hi, honey, I'm home and I brought the pizza. Oh hi, Eric, what kind did you get? I can't say. It's a secret that I will reveal to the entire family just as we sit down to eat. Okay, Eric, that's fine, sweetie, but let me ask you something. Last week, you refused to announce your pick to start for the Browns at QB, Brady Quinn or Derek Anderson. Remember you said you wanted to keep the Vikings guessing right up until game time? Well, they didn't really care and I don't either. So just put whatever crappy pizza you got, Papa Johns or Pizza Hut, on the table and wash up. Thanks, honey.
NFL Week 1 Notes ... The Bungles bungled. The Dead$kins went right back to last place. The Lions did not win. Jake Delhomme imploded, exploded and deploded. The Cardinals fouled their nest. The Texans took another significant step toward 8-8. Jay Cutler showed he knows how to play quarterback for the Bears. Nobody cares about the Rams. And TO now understands what playing for the Bills is all about. In other words, not a whole helluva lot has changed in the Enn Eff Ell. Welcome back.
See ya next time.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 34
Friday, September 4, 2009
The Sports Noter, Version 1, Volume 1, Special Issue 1
Last Wednesday morning on my drive in to work, Charlotte's local sports radio station WFNZ held an hour-long contest looking for the caller with the best sports road trip story. Winner to receive two tix on the 50-yard line at the Big House in Ann Arbor, MI for Saturday's clash between the Michigan Wolverines and the Notre Dame Fighting Irish. So, I flipped open my cell phone, punched in the number and within minutes was scoring points recounting an old 1978-79 New Years in New Orleans frat boy trip to see some Wahoo hoops and a national champeenship Sugar Bowl game.
Thought I had a decent chance to score the tix and indeed got the winning call about an hour or so later. Turns out the radio folks especially liked the part about drinking way too many hurricanes at Pat O'Brien's. Go figure. Anyway, now came the hard part. Here I am with two to-die-for football tickets and 600 miles of concrete between me and the seats. A quick call to USAirways confirmed that cheap flights to Detroit were already gone so it was either give them away, eat them or ... road trip. Tried giving them away but got no real serious takers although my brother-in-law, a rabid Golden Domer, just about slit his wrists when he had to turn 'em down. Didn't really wanna eat 'em so I called sweetie pie and little by little we maneuvered into one of those oh-what-the-hell decisions you remember the rest of your lives.
Road trip.
Kids were all bubbly when we clued them in Wednesday night and they immediately started negotiating trip accords. Thought I was in the middle of the UN Security Council. Somebody dealt away their Walkman usage rights in exchange for a solo backseat with pillow while somebody else took control of munchie maintenance in exchange for stuffed animal selection rights. Finally they got it all settled and each started packing their typical young girl's mountain of stuff. Barrettes and bows, polish for toes, swimsuits and shoelaces, diaries and jewel cases. George Carlin is right. Wherever we go, we have to bring our "stuff" with us.
Next day, Thursday, I stopped by the radio station to pick up the tix on my way to the Panthers' final pre-season game against New England. At the game, I got the idea to pick up a Panthers #21 Tshimanga Biakabutuka jersey for Becky, my middle daughter, to wear to the game. I figured since Biakabutuka is still a Michigan legend, his pro jersey would get her some friendly looks from Wolverine faithful. More on this idea later.
So, Friday comes and we pull the kids outta school about an hour early with designs on hitting the road about maybe 2:00 pm on our way to Michigan. Well, as you can guess, 2:00 pm became 4:30 pm in a hurry. Had to pick up this prescription, mail that bill, gas up here, drop off a video there and so on. We had a hotel room reserved in Ann Arbor for that night but there was no way we'd make it by that time. Especially since Charlotte holiday getaway rush hour was just about ready to crush any hopes of doing double digit speeds. By 6:00 pm, we were still in Mecklenburg County and we had no choice but to call the hotel and cancel the first night.
Thought we might be able to make central Ohio with the remaining driveable hours but NC DOT had other ideas as a massive I-77 construction makeover at the Virginia border jammed everything up for a solid 45 minutes. So West By God Virginia it would be for Night No. 1. Did see a lot of cars heading south on I-77 flying green Marshall flags on their way to Clemson to play the Tigers. That's an easy program to root for given their heart-warming rebuilding of their beloved Thundering Herd after that tragic 1970 plane crash.
Finally stopped around midnight at a little Holiday Inn Express a half hour west of Charleston, WV. Didn't get to see much of West Virginia in the dark but the mountain roads were pretty cool to drive on. Although there are some patches where the 70 mph speed limit is way too thrilling to tempt. That's a new experience ... Actually too timid to risk the posted speed limit. Weird.
Next day is game day and we still got six or more hours to go for a 3:30 pm kickoff so had to boot the brood outta bed early. Soon had everybody reseated, refueled and properly donutized and off we headed west to Ohio. In thick black bean soup fog. Along a single lane country road. But it burned off soon enough and within half an hour we were across the Ohio River and heading northeast towards Columbus and points beyond.
Ohio is a lot more beautiful than I had imagined. Acres and acres of flat but majestic farmland. Corn and soybeans for the most part but every little town has its own set of massive concrete grain silos. Bob Evans Restaurants every five miles or so and Marathon Oil gas stations in every little town. Made the beltway around Columbus in a little over 3 hours and then headed due north to Toledo. Went through a couple of great small towns ... Kenton, Dunkirk, Arlington ... along a single-lane state road. The kind of places you just know a hundred years ago used to have a Memorial Day parade every year to honor their surviving Civil War heroes.
And so after another hour or so, we came up on the home of the Mud Hens and started seeing signs for Ann Arbor. By my watch, we'd roll into town about two hours before kickoff. Plenty of time to grab some lunch, check in to our hotel and hop the shuttle to the game. And, luckily enough, that's exactly what happened. Before long, Becky and I were on the shuttle and we started getting pumped up for the big game.
And what an absolutely mind-boggling stadium ... Calling it huge is an understatement. Once we picked our jaws off the ground, we made our way to our seats and they were every bit as good as advertised. Fifty-yard line, 22 rows up right behind the Notre Dame bench. We were so close I even wondered if I'd need my trusty binoculars. But I did indeed take them out and I swear I could almost read lips in the huddle. Fans were rocking, joint was jumping, blimp was blimping, this was it.
Becky's Biakabutuka jersey was a big hit. All the fans around her smiled and shook her hand or patted her back. One young guy walked by, stopped, looked at her and said ... "Tshimanga. Cool." and then kept going. Michigan fans are extremely knowledgeable about their team and college football in general. It was a brand new experience for me to sit with fans who expect to win a national championship each and every season. And the place was absolutely jammed full. A new modern day NCAA record of 111,523 people in attendance. With at least one Virginia fan who sure cheered that 20-17 final score over the Tar Heels by God.
The game itself was intense. Momentum swings all day long with six lead changes. First, Michigan scored two quick FG's but their failure to score six seemed to energize Notre Dame who responded with a beautiful pitch reverse for a score to their little scatback Joey Getherall who was easily their most exciting player. Second quarter saw another U-M field goal and a Jarius Jackson keeper for another Irish touchdown as the half ended with Notre Dame up 14-9.
Second half saw the Wolverines tally 10 points to go up 19-14 but the Irish scored a gorgeous touchdown on a 4th down play-action pass to a wide open tight end with about 4 minutes to play. Then the game took a strange turn as the Irish scored a two-point conversion but took a 15 yard penalty for an excessive celebration call in the end zone. Bogus call but it gave U-M great kickoff field position. Then the Wolverines got another break when a late hit on a sideline pass play cost the Irish another 15 yards.
Finally, with a little over a minute to go, Michigan tailback Anthony Thomas bulled in from a yard out and the 26-22 final score was set although Notre Dame did end the game deep in Michigan territory but out of time and short of a first down. The Wolverines mobbed the field and the fans were dancing in their seats. Another great game in a great Midwest rivalry.
So, Becky and I slowly made our way out of the Big House and we stopped at a souvenir stand to pick up a Michigan T-shirt for her. I told her she could pick out anything she wanted provided I thought it looked good and wasn't too terribly expensive. The kid's got pretty good taste in clothes so I knew she'd pick something out that looked good. I just hoped it wouldn't bend my Amex card any more than it had already suffered.
But she came back from a shirt rack with a nice yellow one with blue "MICHIGAN" in block letters across the front. Nice, simple and classy. However, as she held it up, I noticed it was a long sleeve shirt so, forgetting where I was, I said to her ... "Becky, are you sure you want a long sleeve shirt ??? You won't be able to wear that until the winter, you know." And the lady standing next to me said ... "Oh, but that'll be here real soon." And with a smile, I gently turned and said to her ... "Not in Carolina it won't". And so we checked out, long sleeve shirt and all and pretty soon we were on the return shuttle for a hotel rendezvous with the rest of the family.
We pretty much crashed the rest of the evening in the hotel ... Kids went swimming and got all jiggy when we let them order room service which was surprisingly inexpensive. And so we all eventually turned in and caught a full night's worth of well-earned snooze.
And here came Sunday ... Canada Day on our itinerary. I knew as soon as we decided to make the trip that a quick jaunt into Windsor, Ontario was in order for Sunday. Kids thought that was just the coolest idea they'd ever heard. Ann Arbor is about 35-40 minutes away from Detroit so it was no biggie to cross the bridge and visit our northern neighbors for a spell. We found a delightful little park by the riverside and camped out there for a coupla hours watching the pleasure boats vie with the industrial freighters in the Detroit River connecting Lake Huron and Lake Erie. Nice cool breeze and not a cloud in the sky.
And so by mid-afternoon, we were ready to head back south. Crossed back over the river using the tunnel this time and had to negotiate a few inner city Detroit streets before we found I-75 again. Passed by Cobo and Joe Louis and Tiger Stadium ... which I did not realize was painted bright white on the outside. Within an hour, we were back in Toledo and seeing the same roads as the day before from the opposite direction. Back through Marysville, Columbus, Chillicothe, Gallipolis and on into West Virginia again.
Got up Monday morning and brought it on home. Same traffic mess at the VA-NC border but too tired to piss and moan about something we had no control over anyway. Rolled on into our SC driveway late afternoon and got all the required dog and cat welcome home greetings. One thousand, three hundred, eighty-one miles and seven-tenths. Four days. Two countries. Sixty minutes of pigskin heaven. Wallet stuffed full of Amex receipts. Feet sore. Kids pumped to tell their school pals about their weekend. Memories to last forever.
Maybe in twenty years I can use this road trip story to win another one.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 33
You know, I really can't think of a better way for ESPN eye candy Erin Andrews to put that awful hotel peephole incident behind her than an in-depth, exclusive appearance up next on Oprah. I mean, why should Erin keep her pain confined to just us sports fans when she can share the hurt with millions of Lt. General Winfrey's loyal troops, many of whom have never even heard of ESPN let alone Ms. Andrews. Clearly, this is the best way she can begin the healing process. Well, unless maybe a book deal or a movie pitch comes along. And if that doesn't work, she could just post the tape on YouTube and pray it
Nice crackback block, Brett Favre. Did you forget the rule on illegal blocks behind the knees while you were {cough} retired? Ah, that's okay, don't worry about it. Besides, I think you're about to be reacquainted with it anyway.
Unable to find a new NFL team, famous bad boy Adam "Pacman" Jones signed a deal to play for the Winnipeg Blue Bombers of the CFL which still has ten weeks left in its season. Couple words of advice for Jones ... Get used to watching hockey. Lots and lots of hockey. Also, bacon is round up there and the national anthem is actually a pretty decent tune. The money is easy enough to figure out and Winnipeg speaks English so you're good there as well. Just be careful if you get invited to a beaver hunt. You might be disappointed if you're expecting your usual hangout.
Okay, first things first ... Every big time famous college football program violates the NCAA's silly rules on practice time limits. There's not one team out there that practices 20 hours or less per week like they're supposed to. Because if they did, they'd be an 0-12 lock and not a single NFL scout would call or write. But it takes a special program, the Michigan Wolverines, and a special coach, Rich Rodriguez, to provoke his players into self-reporting the violation. Think about that ... They hate him so much they actually complained about playing too much football. Nicely done, Coach. That's new ground.
How come surgeons who operate on athletes always say the surgery was a success? I mean, you never hear a jock doc come out of the operating room and say "Well, shoot, that didn't work. He's done." They always say everything went just fine with the patient expected to make a full recovery. Never a half recovery, always a full recovery. I swear if I ever need an operation, I'm gonna ask for a sports surgeon no matter what's wrong with me. I need my appendix removed? Fine, but I want a cutter who puts blown knees and shredded elbows back together, thanks.
See ya next time.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 32
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 31
Former Jints WR Plaxico Burress pleaded guilty to gun charges last week and will now spend two years in a New York state prison. His lawyer later said Burress has hired a prison coach who will ... and I quote ... "address and advise us, Mr. Burress and his family, on what to expect while incarcerated, and how to use his period of confinement as productively as possible." Ah, you coulda saved your money, Plax. Really, here's all you need to know ... First, stay away from The Sisters. Then make friends with the guy who can get you things. Next, do all the guards' tax returns. And then hang a big poster of Rita Hayworth in your cell. Easy, peasy, Japanese-y.
I'm telling you, the Dawn of the Twitter Age is going to revolutionize the sports world. Hell, it's already happening as last week Miami Heat F Michael Beasley tweeted a twitpic ... try saying that three times fast ... of his sweet new back ink. Unfortunately for him, the aforementioned photo also showed Michael's sweet bag of the kind bud on the kitchen table behind him. And so now the story is Beasley has checked into a Houston rehab facility. Let's hope they add a 13th step to his recovery program ... Put Your Weed Away Before You Tweet.
This just in from our Reinforcing Sports Stereotypes Bureau ... Pro wrestler Kurt Angle was caught and charged with possession of HGH. And suspended NASCAR driver Jeremy Mayfield, who's already twice tested positive for methamphetamines, had his estranged stepmother arrested for trespassing after she showed up hammered at his home. The same stepmom who is NASCAR's principal witness against Mayfield. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.
The Chicago Cubs were finally sold this week to the billionaire Ricketts family for a cool $900 million dollars. J Joseph Ricketts is the patriarch of the Omaha, NE family who made their fortune starting up a small investment firm that later grew into TD Ameritrade, the big online brokerage firm. I'm sure the new owners will uphold the fine tradition of family ownership of the Cubs but this deal is still a puzzler. I mean, they're rich stockbrokers, right? Aren't they supposed to know how to pick winners?
The Pokes opened up their new $1.2 billion dollar playpen last week with a pre-season game against the Titans and, wouldn't you know it, there are still a few bugs to be worked out. Like for instance, the 60-yard-long, everything-is-bigger-in-Texas video screen that apparently nobody tested to see if a punter could hit. Um, yes, they can and now Dallas owner Jerry Jones will likely be asked to spend another $2,000,000 to raise the massive board out of reach. As you can guess, Double-J hates that idea but he won't have much choice. Besides, it's not like he's never had anything lifted before ...
See ya next time.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 30
Florida, defending mythical national champion Florida, is a 73 point favorite over Charleston Southern, a small Big South school and an afterthought even in Charleston, for their September 5th chompdown in The Swamp. Let's go to the math on this ... CharSou could give up 10 touchdowns and 10 extra points but ... but ... if they block a field goal, the Buccaneers will beat the spread. Go Bucs! Block that kick! Collect that check! {Yeah, I know, you're right, take the Gators.}
After all these years, all those trophies, all those soul-crushing, red shirt, back nine beatdowns, Tiger Woods finally coughed up a 54-hole lead in a major and lost the PGA to ... Yang Yong-eun. Not Phil, not Sergio, not Vijay, not Padraig but Y.E., the 110th ranked golfer in the world. Not only that but Yang was paired with El Tigre on Sunday and that turns most golfer's knees to shrimp and grits. And to top it all off, Y.E. took the lead on 14 with the same sort of ridiculous pitch for eagle that Woods normally destroys his foes with. Nicely done, Mr Yang. Have fun cashing that big check.
In last year's Olympic 100 meter final, Usain Bolt started celebrating early and yet still set a new world record of 9.69 seconds. Almost immediately, some folks wondered what Bolt woulda coulda shoulda run had he not eased up. Some cynics speculated he might've been saving a few 100ths just so he could collect the bonus that comes with each new record. Well, Bolt's bank account is just a little stouter now after his 9.58 at the Worlds in Berlin. The bonus isn't all that much ... just $100,000 ... but that's still $9,090.90 per chopped hundredth. Man, that's fast work.
How fast? Well, considering that NFL scouts and coaches literally drool over 40-yard dash times of 4.25 or so, Bolt's 9.58 would have stopped their watches after 3.5 seconds in the 40. Three point five in the 40. Hell, Bolt is already 6-5 and buffed. All he would need is good hands and a fly pattern and it'd be game over in the Enn Eff Ell.
Okay, here's my impression of sports media coverage over the last few days ... {inhale deep breath} ... Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Yang Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Bolt Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick ... {inhale} ... Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre ... {and exhale}.
A few photos surfaced last week showing Texas OF Josh Hamilton falling off the sobriety wagon back in January in a Tempe, AZ bar. His fall is notable, of course, because Hamilton almost squandered a serious boatload of baseball talent to drugs and swill before finding his way back through his faith and, to be fair, a really sweet left-handed power swing. It's a good story, it really is. Redemption, salvation, devotion, all the -tion's we believe make the difference. There's just one small problem here ... How come Josh looks like he's having so much fun in that bar?
See ya next time.
Friday, August 14, 2009
The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 29
On Wednesday night, one of those cute and cuddly Cubs bleacher fans tossed a cup of beer on Phillies CF Shane Victorino as he was making a catch near the wall. And then ... and this is just adorable ... the beerchucker pointed at someone else who was quickly whisked away by Chicago's finest. I guess now we know how Al Capone avoided arrest for so long. Anyway, after careful forensic photo analysis ... back and to the left, back and to the left, back and to the left ... the guy turned himself in to face charges. Hopefully, he'll be sentenced to watching more Cubs games.
And so Rick "Success Is A Choice But Apparently Adultery Is Not" Pitino is in a sex scandal. Extortion, abortion, distortion, whatever. It's as tawdry (and as unsurprising) as any other jock screwup. Hell, Pitino's got a great reputation for getting guys ready for the NBA. Maybe this was just another hands-on demonstration. But here's where it gets weird ... Coach Pitino had been invited to speak next month at Samford University Law School. But now that he's Coach Paternity, the school quickly ditched his speech. Which makes no sense, I mean, now he's got a legal issue to talk about, right?
More college news ... The NCAA punished yet another scalawag rogue program. This time it was that noted basketball factory, Southeast Missouri State, who felt the wrath of The Lords of Absurdity. Let's see now ... All hoops wins from 2006 through 2008. Poof. Gone baby gone because an assistant gave a player a ride to see his newborn baby. Another player got $239 to cover some unpaid admin fees. Also, three years of probee cause the coaches "observed out-of-season pickup games". Oh but that's not all ... A booster also paid the tuition for a former women's team player who needed one extra semester to get her degree. The nerve of some people.
And so The Michael Vick Experience at long last has landed in Philadelphia. I sure hope the Iggles know what they're doing. Last time they had a high profile, high maintenance, high energy guy in the locker room {cough} TO {cough}, they got off to a good start but later on it blew up like a gag cigar. One thing about Philly fans though ... If by some miracle of miracles, Michael Dwayne Vick actually helps bring home one (1) certified genuine Vince Lombardi Trophy to the COBL, he could light a box of puppies on fire in the middle of Broad Street and they'd give him a parade ... And then kick the ever living crap out of him.
Rumors are out that actress Kate Hudson wants boyfriend Alex Rodriguez to give her a little bundle of joy. Supposedly, she's even willing to pay for everything. Kate, sweetie, that's not the issue. Pay Rod's got plenty of spare coin laying around. The real problem is everybody knows the Yankee slugger is prone to pop out in the clutch. Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week. Try the veal.
Rest in peace, Eunice Kennedy Shriver. Thanks for the Special Olympics.
See ya next time.Saturday, August 8, 2009
The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 28
Sunday, August 2, 2009
The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 27
Thursday, July 30, 2009
The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 26
When asked whether he thought the NFL should reinstate Michael Vick now or keep him suspended for several more games, Terrell Owens had this to say ... "I don't think it's really fair for him to be suspended four more games. It's almost like kicking a dead horse to the ground." Almost, TO, but not quite ... It's actually more like drowning, electrocuting and slamming a dead dog to the ground. Gotta keep your metaphors tight, big guy.
In the Pop Culture grid of this week's Sports Illustrated issue under the column heading "Person I'm Dying To Interview", Fish pitcher Josh Johnson replied ... "Kirby Puckett. One of my idols growing up." Ah, maybe someday you'll get that interview, Josh, but it won't be on this plane of existence as the immortal Twin got called up to The Big Ballclub In The Sky over three years ago. Pick again, Josh.
And so Brett Favre says he'll stay retired. Yeah, right, sure you will, Brett. Good one. Pull this leg and it whistles "Dixie". Look, unless we get all the way to Sunday of Week 1 at 1:00pm with no sign of Purple No. 4 anywhere, I'm not buying it. And that's cause any time any QB on any NFL team tweaks an ankle, bends an elbow, shrugs a shoulder, flexes a knee or bangs a thumb, Brett Favre's cell is gonna ring, buzz, shake or sing. I mean, at this point, even Mick Jagger and Keith Richards must be wondering why Favre won't quit.
In New York, both Putz and Wang are on the disabled list, the DL. Or in their case, the EDL. Sorry, couldn't resist.
I understand the Tour de France is a ridiculously grueling event. And we can argue all day long about what exactly these super-endurance races actually prove other than some people will somehow train themselves to do them. But here's what I can't grasp ... How in the world do you pedal for three weeks up, down and all over one of the most beautiful landscapes on the planet and all you get to see are your handlebars, your front tire and the bike shorts of the guy in front of you? As Master Yoda would say ... Sense not make this does.
All right, settle down, I think we're all here so let's take seats. I'd like to welcome you all to the Pittsburgh Pirates Mid-Summer 2009 Strategy Meeting. Item No. 1 on the agenda ... The Steelers open up training camp in just a few days. What do we do? Okay, let's see some ideas, people. Trade Adam LaRoche to the Red Sox? Didn't we send Jason Bay to them last year? Never mind, it's brilliant. I love it. Make the call. Okay, next ... Trade Jack Wilson and Freddy Sanchez? Wait, aren't they our double play combo? Whatever, I like it. Do it. Wow, I'm getting goosebumps here. You guys are on fire. What else you got?
Rest in peace, Jim Johnson. And you too, Vernon Forrest.
See ya next time.
Friday, July 24, 2009
The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 25
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 24
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 23
Two weeks until football is back. Mmm, pigskin.
See ya next time.