The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 12

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

A buncha guys with funny-sounding names who live in Barcelona half the year beat another buncha guys with funny-sounding names who live in Manchester half the year. The score was 2-nil and it was for something called the UEFA Champions League Cup Final which is not to be confused with the UEFA League Cup Champions Final (sponsored by the People's Front of Judea) or the UEFA Cup Champions League Final (sponsored by the Judean People's Front) neither one of which are recognized by FIFA or FAFI or AFIF or IFAF.

Same as last year, Pens-Wings for the Stanley Cup. And same as last year, both teams will play several superb, end-to-end hockey games filled with pinpoint passes, amazing shots, thrilling saves, last-second goals, white knuckle overtimes and one of the sweaty captains finally hoisting the hallowed hardware. And just like last year, it'll all be seen on Channel 206 by about a dozen hosers who still have a month of ice fishing season left, eh.

Objection! Okay, yes, NBC has the first two Stanley Cup games while the next two are on Versus or whatever obscure channel that gets lower ratings than my screensaver aquarium. {Look, it's Nemo!} But Game 1 is this Saturday and Game 2 is on Sunday marking the first time two Finals games will be played on consecutive days since 1955. Why, you ask? Because the Peacock wants no part of weeknight games on the fairly good chance they'll go into OT and interfere with ... wait for it ... Conan O'Brien's debut week on The Tonight Show. Overruled.

Are you telling me that former Memphis hoops coach John Calipari took the Kentucky job just two months before the NCAA charged Memphis with major program violations? And the NCAA will most likely vacate the Tigers 2008 Final Four appearance if found guilty? Not the same John Calipari whose UMass team had to vacate its 1996 Final Four appearance after he bolted for the New Jersey Nets? Nah, that can't be right. Coach Cal wouldn't do that.

You know I love the NFL more than any other sport but nobody and I mean nobody does hypocrisy like the National Football League. You see, Delaware recently legalized sports wagering ... Which the league hates with a passion so of course they're suing to stop it by claiming you need "skill" to bet on football. Right, as if point spreads are a new idea. No, they're not but deciding last week that teams can now sign sponsorship deals with state lotteries is. Sing it with me now ...

Hail to the Redskins
Hail lottery
Knaves on the poor path
Scratch for old DC.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 11

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Cheer, cheer for old Notre Dame. Wake up the echoes, leave out some games ... That's right, college football's most famous program released its new media guide last week and under Sorry Charlie Weis's bio, there's nary a mention of any losing season the coach has ever had at any level. And that includes the disastrous 2007 season when his Irish went 3-9. Hmm, I wonder how thrilled The Lord is now that His Eighth Commandment is optional in South Bend. I dunno, maybe you shouldn't practice in the rain this year, Charlie.

Last week, an unnamed Mets fan lost her gold tooth in one of the toilets at new "BrokeBank" Citi Field in ... wait for it ... Flushing Meadows. Apparently, these new low-flo loos use powerful vacuum suction instead of just plain old gravity ... Which woulda been nice to know before she stuck her hand down there and had to be rescued. The emergency crew got her out okay but the tooth was gone. Which means now there's an alligator down in the Queens sewer system looking really fly.

A recent bodybuilding competition in Brussels had to be canceled because of a distinct lack of competition. Oh, there are plenty of muscle-bound he-men in Belgium willing to pose in Speedos and Pam spray. That's not the problem. The problem is that a doping official showed up right before the posedown began and they all took off faster than a Belgian waffle lasts on John Daly's plate. Why do they even bother testing bodybuilders? That's like testing Chris Berman for ego.

Fresh off his now infamous White House snub, Steelers LB James Harrison got some more ink last week when one of his pit bulls put his 2-year-old son in the hospital. Fortunately, the kid will be okay but Harrison will no doubt have to deal with the dog. If only there was someone he could ask for advice on how to get rid of unwanted dogs. Someone who might have some experience in this arena. I dunno, maybe another football player, one at home with some free time available. Any ideas?

Note to Cleveland fans ... It sure looks like maybe kinda sorta you were expecting the LeBrons to romp to this year's NBA title. And yeah, that really was an all-time buzzer beater LBJ hit to win Game 2 but somehow Orlando didn't get the memo. For your sake, I hope the Cavs can come back and win this thing cause the Indians are dead last in the AL and the Browns are ranked 33rd out of 32 NFL teams. Cross your fingers and pray, Cleveland, cause this could be an epic summer of fail.

A few weeks ago, those adorable Washington Nationals, our favorite screwed up baseball team, were embarrassed when two players played in jerseys wearing the misspelled word "NATINALS". Now it seems somebody forgot to run spellcheck on their Presidential bobbleheads too. Because for just $30 at concession stands, you too can now have your very own Teddy "Rossevelt" doll. Maybe the Nats should have a new motto ... Speek sotfly and carry a bigg tick.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 10

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

The NHL is down to four teams left for the Big Jell-O Mold ... Blackhawks vs Red Wings and Penguins vs Canes. They're all playing great hockey but I'm going with the team with that old guy with the weird European name who plays on the same line with that speedy little French-Canadian dude. You know who I'm talking about ... They got that hotshot goalie plus that big scruffy defenseman and the coach, the one who used to coach that other team. C'mon, help me out here.

This time around, HBO's popular NFL training camp series "Hard Knocks" will feature the Cincinnati Bengals. For an NFL junkie, the show's been must see TV ... Especially those painful scenes where the coach has to tell a player he's been released. Given that the Bengals will be on screen, maybe now the drama will be reversed and we'll get to see a player tell the coach he's been released, that is, on bail until his arraignment.

Once he gets going, Yankee P Joba Chamberlain is fine but he's had some pretty rough first innings lately. So before his last start, the team had him pitch a simulated "first inning" out in the bullpen where three batters just stood there while Joba threw his final warmup tosses. That way, the Yankees hope he'll just go out now and pretend like it's the second inning. And I hope it works for him because if it does, I'm asking my boss if I can simulate working for my first hour too.

Rachel Alexandra won the Preakness over fast-closing Kentucky Derby winner Mine That Bird at Pimlico on Saturday. In outrunning the boys, she became the first filly to win the race since 1924. Boy, I know women like to run late but that's ridiculous. Boy, I'm sure glad my wife doesn't read this.

On Friday, my beloved Philadelphia Phillies paid a team visit to President Barack Obama at the White House to celebrate their World Series win. Think about that for just a moment ... The sorriest pro sports team in history was honored by the first black POTUS ever. Not only that but they both clinched their astonishing victories within a week of each other last fall. Seriously, who's writing this script? And has anybody checked the space-time continuum lately?

Speaking of White House visits, the Super Bowl champ Steelers are due for their trip soon. Only problem is star LB James Harrison doesn't wanna go ... "If you want to see the Pittsburgh Steelers, invite us when we don't win the Super Bowl. As far as I'm concerned, Obama would have invited Arizona if they had won." Um, yeah, James, that's pretty much how these things work. I mean, if they just invited the teams that didn't win, the Browns might as well move to Washington to save on air fare.

Rest in peace, Wayman Tisdale.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 9

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Dallas QB Tony Romo tried to qualify for the US Open this week but, just like the Cowboys, he came up just a little short. Speaking of little shorts, Jessica Simpson's favorite signal caller shot even par on the front nine but five bogeys plus a triple bogey on the back nine ended his Tin Cup quest. Although to be fair to Tony, he didn't see that Eagle before it swooped in front of his fairway shot and returned it all the way back to the first tee.

Big ups to my nephew, Justin Weiner, a junior at Delaware whose varsity lightweight 8 crew team took gold at the big Dad Vail Regatta last weekend on (in?) the Schuylkill River in Philadelphia. Dude is 6-1, 155 and ripped like rebar concrete. I'm sure coaching a crew team isn't easy on race days but practices have to be a no-brainer. Okay, guys, today I want you to row til you puke. But we did that yesterday, Coach. Yep, and you're gonna do it again tomorrow too. Let's go, fellas, you were just borrowing that breakfast.

To the Orlando dad who demanded an apology after his 12-year-old son was nudged bumped shoved trampled assaulted by big Celtics F Glen Davis on the Magic sidelines after he sank the buzzer beater that won Game 4 ... Listen up, you and your precious snowflake had coveted courtside seats. When you sit that close to a basketball court, large basketball players will, on occasion, make their presence known. Geez, even trackside NASCAR fans don't whine when they get sprayed with flying car parts. Well, maybe that's a bad example. Actually, I think they might like it.

Former Indy coach Tony Dungy visited Michael "Pooch Punt" Vick in prison last week and then later announced that Michael wants ... wait for it ... yep, you got it ... a second chance in the NFL. Really, Tony, you figured that out all by yourself? I dunno, I'm not a Super Bowl winning coach or a popular motivational speaker and acclaimed best seller author but I kinda figured that Mike's well-publicized bankruptcy court hearings were a pretty good sign the man needs some lotsa coin.

It's no secret I like Mark Cuban, the controversial owner of the Dallas Mavericks. The Association needs more owners with his burning passion and willingness to spend rivers of cash on his team. But many times Cuban's fire has gotten him in trouble ... Like this week when he yelled to Nuggets F Kenyon Martin's mom that her son's a thug. Probably not a good idea, Mark, cause you know that's a media storm just waiting to rain on you ... Whether you were right {cough} K-Mart, coached by Bob Huggins at Cincinnati {cough} or not.

Rest in peace, Chuck Daly.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 8

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Warning: The following piece is a No Favre Zone and may not be suitable for a general audience. Especially those who hang on every twitch, breath and mere utterance of a certain former Atlanta Falcon, Green Bay Packer, New York Jet and perhaps future Minnesota Viking quarterback who is either a) bored to tears on his farm, b) loves stringing people along year after year or c) just can't seem to let those long ago and far away cheers just ... fade ... away.

Dumb is forgetting how many outs there are or swinging on a 3-0 count when the pitcher hasn't thrown a strike since last week. Really dumb is not walking Albert Pujols with first base open. Monumentally dumb, however, is failing a drug test for steroids when everyone in the entire baseball universe knows you're gonna get tested. Ladies and gentlemen, Manny Ramirez.

Gotta give it up to Manny, though. Seeing as how he tested positive for a women's fertility drug, at least the man was original. Even more remarkable is he somehow managed to push Alex Rodriguez and his never-ending little soap opera off the front page of the sports section. Man, that's hard to do. Normally, you can't get ARod off the radar scope until he disappears in the playoffs.

After 11 years in the minors and more bus rides than Ralph Kramden, infielder Bobby Scales finally made it to The Show when the Cubbies called him up this week. Good for him. Even if he only lasts a few weeks in the majors, he made it. And a few years from now, when Bobby's back in A ball and he's lazily strumming a guitar in the back seat of a bus to Winston-Salem, he'll be able to say ...

Yeah, I was in The Show. I was in The Show for 21 days once, the 21 greatest days of my life. You know, you never handle your luggage in The Show. Somebody else carries your bags. It was great. You hit white balls for batting practice, the ballparks are like cathedrals, the hotels all have room service and the women all have long legs and brains.

"Miami Dolphins partner with Buffet" ... Hey, good move, Fish. Warren Buffet is one of the smartest and richest businessmen alive today. Wait a minute, it's not Warren, it's Jimmy? The same Jimmy Buffet who "made enough money to buy Miami but pissed it away so fast"? Indeed, the son of a son of a sailor signed a naming rights deal this week with the Fins to the left, Fins to the right. And so now welcome to Landshark Stadium, named after Landshark Lager, a beer Jimmy brews. Candygram.

Rest in peace, Danny Ozark. Thanks for showing the 70's Phillies how to win but I'm still not over Black Friday. You were supposed to put Jerry Martin in left field, man.

See ya next time.

P.S. Parrothead Park woulda been so much better.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 7

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Oh no, here we go again ... The Annual Brett Favre Un-Re-Un-Re-Retirement Rumorfest Circus Maximus and Amalgamated Media Feeding Frenzy might be (is) back. A year ago, Jet Favre was a fun novelty act but down the stretch his poor play got Jets coach Eric Mangini whacked. This time around the Vikes are the hot whisper. All I can say to Brad Childress is be careful, coach. Your seat is hot enough already and he's not the Holy Grail anymore. Choose wisely, Brad.

A 51-1 longshot, Mine That Bird, won the Kentucky Derby on Saturday. Man, that was a sweet ride by jockey Calvin Borel. The spectacular overhead blimp shots showed Borel steering MTB along the rail until they busted out and just flew home. And as The Bird crossed the finish line with the win, for just a brief second or two, I swear you could hear the sound of 150,000 betting slips being torn up.

Because of the new swine flu outbreak, soccer games in Mexico are still being played but the gates are locked and fans aren't allowed in. Pro soccer games in front of empty stands? Well then, I guess that's one more thing we've exported to Mexico.

Hold the phones, I think we have a winner ... Or at least an early front runner for Dumbest New Made-Up Sports Word of the Year. Bolts LB Shawne Merriman, unplugged last season by a knee injury, is stirring up his anger to recharge his "Lights Out" act so that everybody will know he's back. And to all his doubters, Shawne's got just this to say ... "My footballhood has been questioned. That is worse than questioning someone's manhood." Great, glad we got that settled. My bloghood thanks you.

Speaking of rumors, another good one that won't go away is the notion of playing a future Super Bowl in London. London, England, the UK, Great Britain, that is. You know, it's really not that bad an idea. I mean, seriously, would you rather see the Supe go back to Jacksonville? But if the big game does go to London, we will need some guarantees ... They can't make both teams wear all white, no strawberries and cream in the press box and above all, no curtsies to the Ye Olde Royal Luxury Suite. And we get to pick the halftime act too. So you can tell Oasis not to even bother.

Rest in peace, Jack Kemp.

See ya next time.