The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 26

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

When asked whether he thought the NFL should reinstate Michael Vick now or keep him suspended for several more games, Terrell Owens had this to say ... "I don't think it's really fair for him to be suspended four more games. It's almost like kicking a dead horse to the ground." Almost, TO, but not quite ... It's actually more like drowning, electrocuting and slamming a dead dog to the ground. Gotta keep your metaphors tight, big guy.

In the Pop Culture grid of this week's Sports Illustrated issue under the column heading "Person I'm Dying To Interview", Fish pitcher Josh Johnson replied ... "Kirby Puckett. One of my idols growing up." Ah, maybe someday you'll get that interview, Josh, but it won't be on this plane of existence as the immortal Twin got called up to The Big Ballclub In The Sky over three years ago. Pick again, Josh.

And so Brett Favre says he'll stay retired. Yeah, right, sure you will, Brett. Good one. Pull this leg and it whistles "Dixie". Look, unless we get all the way to Sunday of Week 1 at 1:00pm with no sign of Purple No. 4 anywhere, I'm not buying it. And that's cause any time any QB on any NFL team tweaks an ankle, bends an elbow, shrugs a shoulder, flexes a knee or bangs a thumb, Brett Favre's cell is gonna ring, buzz, shake or sing. I mean, at this point, even Mick Jagger and Keith Richards must be wondering why Favre won't quit.

In New York, both Putz and Wang are on the disabled list, the DL. Or in their case, the EDL. Sorry, couldn't resist.

I understand the Tour de France is a ridiculously grueling event. And we can argue all day long about what exactly these super-endurance races actually prove other than some people will somehow train themselves to do them. But here's what I can't grasp ... How in the world do you pedal for three weeks up, down and all over one of the most beautiful landscapes on the planet and all you get to see are your handlebars, your front tire and the bike shorts of the guy in front of you? As Master Yoda would say ... Sense not make this does.

All right, settle down, I think we're all here so let's take seats. I'd like to welcome you all to the Pittsburgh Pirates Mid-Summer 2009 Strategy Meeting. Item No. 1 on the agenda ... The Steelers open up training camp in just a few days. What do we do? Okay, let's see some ideas, people. Trade Adam LaRoche to the Red Sox? Didn't we send Jason Bay to them last year? Never mind, it's brilliant. I love it. Make the call. Okay, next ... Trade Jack Wilson and Freddy Sanchez? Wait, aren't they our double play combo? Whatever, I like it. Do it. Wow, I'm getting goosebumps here. You guys are on fire. What else you got?

Rest in peace, Jim Johnson. And you too, Vernon Forrest.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 25

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Well, here we are two years later and Michael "Pooch Punt" Vick is finally free. His sentence for dog fighting crimes has been served in full so now he's free to rejoin society as a changed man. And what better place to celebrate your first night of freedom than a Virginia Beach strip club with your friend, Allen Iverson. Now to be fair, Vick's lawyer denies the story but even if he was there, I'm sure AI will try to convince Mike it didn't count. I mean, it was just a practice stripper, man. Not a real stripper. Not a real stripper. We talkin' about practice, man. Practice.

Last time out, we wondered if the NFL isn't pushing its massive appeal too far by drowning us in too many pre-season telecasts. Now I'm convinced the league is tempting fate with this week's announcement that the 2010 NFL Draft will stretch from two to three days and ... get this ... The first two rounds will be on Thursday night during prime time. This is cause for concern on several levels. One is there's already too much dead air filled with too many talking bubbleheads as it is. Hell, I wouldn't wish three days of Chris Berman on my worst enemy. Okay, okay, you're right. Yes, I would. Anyway, my biggest concern is there's no way I'll get the remote during "Grey's Anatomy". NFW, NFL.

Wait, hold on. Stop everything. Major controversy. One SEC head football coach somehow inexplicably did not anoint Florida's Tim Tebow as his pre-season choice for first team, all-conference QB and somehow this slight became Breaking News. Fortunately, crack detectives solved the mystery by, um, using the phone to call each school's coach. Steve Spurrier later admitted it was just an oversight and not an insult. Meanwhile, Tebow had already moved on to other important issues like declaring to the hungry press corps that he's still a virgin. Sigh, I give up.

Judging by fan reaction to Manny Ramirez's so-far triumphant return from a 50-game juicy juice sitdown, it's now clearer than ever that if you can perform your chosen athletic specialty .... which in Manny's case means swinging a rounded wooden stick at a small thrown sphere ... well enough that thousands of people are willing to spend their time and some heavy coin to see you do it, well, then you can probably get away with anything short of cannibalism and still thrive in your sport. It's not right and it's not wrong. It just is.

And so it was that Manny strode to the plate on Wednesday night to pinch hit in a tie game with the sacks loaded. Whereupon he blasted a first pitch grand slam into his very own MANNYWOOD section ... And as The Wood Man circled the bases, Dodger Stadium erupted with the wild cheers of delirious LA fans who no doubt were all texting their agents angling for the book and movie rights before Manny had even rounded third. And yeah, maybe I should be cynical about all this but I'd rather dwell on the positive ... You see, my fantasy team traded for Ramirez while he was out and we really needed that 1-1, HR, R, 4 RBI, 1.000 OBP. You da manny, Manny.

During a match this week in LA, a testy David "Footie Spice" Beckham challenged a few hecklers in the stands to come down and settle their mutual misunderstanding on the pitch. When they didn't, Cap'n Bend It tried to climb up there himself but was restrained by several security guards. The MLS league office naturally wasn't too happy with his people skills so they fined him $1000. You know, I think Becks is finally starting to get the hang of this place.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 24

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas but apparently not in Lake Tahoe as a woman from there who thought she had a friend in Ben (like Ben) Roethlisberger filed a civil lawsuit accusing the Steeler QB of sexual assault stemming from a hotel visit last summer. No criminal charges have been filed so it might be tough to win a case with no witnesses and no corroborating evidence. Even so, Ben's lawyer is probably looking for an alibi of some sort ... I dunno, maybe Ben was off hiking the Appalachian Trail. I hear that's a popular summer pastime.

I didn't think it was possible but the Enn Eff Ell might have finally come close to a saturation point. Ordinarily, I'll soak up anything the Kingdom of Goodell has to offer. Anything. In fact, just say the letters "N-F-L" and I'm there. But last week, the league announced that all 65 upcoming (and utterly useless) pre-season games will be broadcast in HD on the NFL Network. For the love of Lombardi, why? I mean, this only makes any sense if the CIA needs a new "enhanced interrogation" technique to replace waterboarding and Britney Spears albums.

71 holes and 8 feet ... That's how close 59-year-old Tom Watson came to winning the British Open in what would have been the most astonishing result in pro golf history. But young Tom always had problems with the yips and AARP Tom evidently still has them. His 8-footer would have been good from 7 feet and that was that as Stewart Cink then crushed him in a 4-hole playoff for the win. Still, it's a shame he didn't drain the putt cause next year's champions dinner menu of Salisbury steak, creamed corn, stewed prunes and tapioca pudding would have been epic.

Speaking of epic, Terrell Owens has a new reality TV show on VH-1. T.O. says he wants to do the show so he can prove he's not the one-dimensional, high maintenance, self-obsessed, cartoon character everyone says he is. And what better way to do exactly that than a prime time television show called ... wait for it ... "The T.O. Show" ... No doubt starring Terrell "T.O." Owens as Terrell "T.O." Owens. With special guest appearance by Terrell "T.O." Owens. Good luck, T.O. Break a leg.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 23

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

The Home Run Derby takes way too long. Yeah, it's fun but you could confirm a new Supreme Court justice in less time than it takes to work through all those rounds of big fly launching. One idea to speed things up right off the bat is we could dock each slugger two outs if one of the Little Leaguers in the outfield makes the catch. Three if Luis Castillo catches it.

Here it is July and training camps haven't even opened up yet but Dallas QB Tony Romo is already in post-season form. Turnover Tony put girlfriend Jessica Simpson on waivers the night before her 29th birthday and ruined the party she was planning. I'm sorry but that's a fumble. And no booth review needed either. I don't care if she is batshiat crazy. Unless you got a backup warming up who's 10x hotter, you don't tell a girl like that to clean out her locker and turn in her playbook.

I musta missed the memo but when did this whole mixed martial arts thing go mainstream? Okay, so it's the dead of summer and the sports calendar is pretty much in a coma which might explain why something called the UFC 100 was all the rave last week. But people were going around referring to some of these fighters by last name only ... Lesnar? Mir? ... as if they were household names. Are we really on a one-name basis with guys who beat each other senseless for a living? Man, I was just starting to get familiar with some of the soccer players.

It took eight All-Star Game innings but Tim McCarver finally delivered one of his patented "double explanations" of a brutally simple baseball concept. As Dodger 2B Orlando Hudson was batting, McCarver noted that, on Sunday against the Brewers, the switch hitter had belted two home runs. And then Tim-may kept right on going with this gem ... "Hudson homered from both sides of the plate. One from the left and one from the right." Thanks, Tim, you're the No. 1 best.

Two weeks until football is back. Mmm, pigskin.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 22

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Red Sox owner John Henry got hitched a few weekends ago up in Boston. And apparently some of the guests at the wedding reception held at Fenway Park that night were given bobblehead dolls of the newlywed couple as party favors. That's right, his-and-her bride and groom bobbleheads. Suitable for what, I have no idea but I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that this was not her idea.

Bengals widemouth Chad Ochocinco (ne Johnson) says he wants to post Twitter tweets during games this season. Say no more. I'll follow you, Chad ...

#85 #chad daym we lost coin toss now i gotta sit here and wait c'mon d

#85 #chad wtf?!? they ran the kickoff back

#85 #chad oh well now they kick to us its almost ocho time lol

#85 #chad crap we fumbled kickoff they ran it in down 14-0

#85 #chad @rosenhaussports text me

#85 #chad ok we got ball its ocho time

#85 #chad glad @tjhoushmanzadeh now in seattle

#85 #chad im open

#85 #chad i said im open

#85 #chad whats this running play shiat @rosenhaussports where r u

#85 #chad they ran punt back 21-0 maybe now we'll throw lol

#85 #chad im open

#85 #chad why did @carsonpalmer throw to @laveranuescoles

#85 #chad retweet @keyshawn just give me the damn ball

#85 #chad picked off not ocho fault @carsonpalmer threw behind ocho

#85 #chad im open

#85 #chad end of first quarter 28-0

#85 #chad @rosenhaussports get ocho out of here

According to those who were there, a Xavier college player named Jordan Crawford threw one down on LeBron James during a pickup game a few days ago. And that's when the fun started cause some folks with camcorders at the gym taped the poster-worthy slam. Next thing you know Nike flipped out and somehow confiscated the tapes before anyone could upload the wonder jam to YouTube and make their client look bad. And that's where I get confused cause I coulda sworn the Orlando Magic already took care of that.

For all you Cubs fans, there's a new iPhone app out called CubbieTime. Among the app's features are a nightstand clock, an alarm clock and a feed for breaking news about the Cubs. Oh and there's one more thing ... CubbieTime also shows you the number of days that have elapsed since October 14, 1908, the last time the Cubs won the World Series. As of today, that's 36,975 days and counting. You know, I sure hope the developers used an unsigned 32-bit register to store that number cause 16 bits maxes out at 65,535 days and knowing the Cubs, that's a lock.

Followup to Ochocinco's Twitter plans ... The No Fun League quickly put the kibosh on any in-game tweeting ideas citing league policy against using handheld devices on the sidelines. To which Ocho tweeted ... and I quote ... "Question? If I tweet during the game and they suspend me, would I get paid during my suspension since it's not a legal issue?" Unquote. God, I love this guy. If you're into Twitter, you can follow him here ... http://twitter.com/OGOchoCinco. Guaranteed 100% pure comedy gold or your money back.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 21

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

You know, I think the ladies are finally getting the hang of this sports thing ... Last Monday night, police had to break up an all-out brawl between two Colorado Springs girls softball teams after a batter got plunked and charged the mound. Then on Thursday night, WNBA star Diana Taurasi was pulled over for DUI in Phoenix just a few hours after the Mercury's win over Seattle. All they need to do now is start injecting truckloads of steroids, getting into shootouts at strip clubs, bankrolling dog fights and serial mothering kids in every city they visit and they'll pull even with the guys.

Check your calendar and if it's late June-early July, then it's time for Wimbledon. And that means it's time for the annual in-depth, serious journalistic effort designed to expose one of the great mysteries of modern sport ... Why do the women players grunt? I mean, it's disgusting and scandalous. They should be ashamed of themselves. Who do those hussies think they are grunting and squealing and carrying on like that? It's just not ladylike. Let's listen to it again. There, right there, listen to that. She sounds like she's, um ... Wait, play that again. There, you hear her? Again, please. One more time. Roll tape.

When the New York Mets checked into their Pittsburgh hotel last Wednesday night, they found another group already staying there. It seems the inn was also hosting the Anthrocon 2009 convention. Anthrocon is ... and I quote ... "the world's largest convention for those fascinated with anthropomorphics, which are human-like animal characteristics." In other words, furries. C'mon now, sing it with me ...

Meet the Pets

Meet the Pets

Step right up and greet the Pets

Bring your kiddies

Bring your wife

Guaranteed to have the time of your life.

Yawn. Just another routine sports weekend ... Tiger Woods won a golf tournament and Roger Federer won a tennis tournament. Been there, done that, caught the highlights. Except that Tiger nailed a clutch birdie to win his own tournament, the AT&T National, and Roger won his sixth Wimbledon to pass Pete Sampras for most career Slams. So basically this really wasn't just any old routine weekend. I mean, other than Tiger winning a golf tournament and Roger winning a tennis tournament, it wasn't.

Rest in peace, Steve McNair.

See ya next time.