The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 20

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Cleveland Browns WR Joe Jurevicius missed all of last season after he caught a staph infection in his knee at the team's training facility. Now he's filing suit against the Browns and the doctors who performed the surgery claiming he wasn't told the team's rehab equipment is not always sanitized properly. You'd think Joe wouldn't need to be told this given he probably figured his team's facilities weren't, you know, filthy enough to spread infectious diseases but he might still lose his case ... I mean, it's gonna be tough to convince a Cleveland jury that a Browns receiver can catch anything.

Before the NHL draft last week, the Calgary Flames made a trade with the Florida Panthers. Sent to the Flames was Jay Bouwmeester who in four days would be eligible for unrestricted free agency and could then sign with any NHL team. On his way to Florida is Jordan Leopold who was also on the verge of the very same unrestricted free agency. Calgary also sent a third round pick to Florida. And somehow this trade made sense ... About as much sense as you and me trading phone numbers for Jennifer Aniston and Halle Berry with a four-day deadline to each get a date. Bottom line is even if they got no deal, it's still a better deal elsewhere.

19-year-old Joey Logano drove real fast at this past weekend's NASCAR Sprint Cup race in New Hampshire. And that made him the youngest driver ever to win a top shelf NASCAR race as well as the first teenager who drives better than his parents. Meanwhile, the T-Wolves selected Ricky Rubio, the 18-year-old Spanish Harry Potter of the Hardwood, as their newest T-Pup at last week's NBA Draft. If you add up their ages (37), they're still a combined ten years younger than Chris Chelios and 9 behind Jamie Moyer ... Who probably leaves his turn signal on the whole way home from the ballpark.

From our "It Happens Every Time" department ... Every time the US national soccer team pulls off a major upset like last week's 2-0 stunner over top-ranked Spain, soccer hopefuls renew fond dreams of their beloved sport finally achieving major league status here in the land of pig, horse, hoops and puck. But just like Bullwinkle who never gives up trying to convince Rocky ... "This time, for sure. Presto!" ... We pull a Brazil out of our hat and watch the dream go puff daddy just like all the other ones.

So what's it gonna take for soccer to finally hit the big time here? Well, here it is ... It won't take a win over an El Grande Spain or a second half collapse against a superior team like Brazil. And it won't take a "Just Happy To Be Here!" deep run during next year's World Cup. And ... breathe in deep now ... It won't take an unlikely OMG! WTF! World Cup win either. Nope, even that won't do the trick. Soccer will arrive in the US and A when we win the World Cup and then follow it up four years later with a honk trying to defend it. The minute we fire the coach for not going back-to-back is the minute soccer will become futbol here. That's just how we roll in the Five-Oh.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 19

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

One of the guys who stole Lance Armstrong's expensive bike last year was sentenced this week to three years in prison. The racing legend spared no expense trying to find what he called the keenest bike in the world. Rumor has it Lance encountered a plus-sized ghost driver, a dinosaur truck stop and a murderous biker gang with a fondness for Mexican spirits and saxophone tunes. He finally had to ask police for help when he learned The Alamo doesn't have a basement. When asked why he didn't seek help sooner, Lance replied that he's a rebel, a loner and they shouldn't get mixed up with a guy like him.

I swear every word of this is true ... The Mahoning Valley Scrappers, one of Cleveland's Class A minor league teams, is offering a free liposuction treatment to one lucky fan in attendance on July 8th at Ladies Night Celebration sponsored by Valley Surgical Arts of Youngstown, OH. Five finalists will be chosen beforehand and the winner will be announced on the field at the game ... Okay, now here's what I don't understand ... This clinic's web site says they offer, um, other cosmetic procedures, nudge nudge wink wink say no more. I mean, if you're gonna give away free plastic surgery, why not try to stretch that single into a double? Know what I mean, eh, eh?

Three Dallas Cowboys linemen, Leonard Davis, Marc Colombo and Cory Proctor, recently signed a record deal to form a heavy (heavier?) metal band called Free Reign. Their debut CD drops later this fall. No word yet on song titles but some possibilities could include ... "Hellstorm of the Lost Playoff Berth", "Rise of the Falling Star", "Wide Receiver Motormouth Blues", "Romo Fumble Death" and "The Ballad of Stopped Just Short With No Timeouts Left".

The College of William and Mary ("Bill And The Wife") is looking for a new team mascot. They used to be the Indians but switched to The Tribe years ago. That name can stay but the feathered logo has to go. The search committee has received over 400 suggestions including a stalk of asparagus whose submitter observed that, when served with cheese, it matches the school colors. That's not as weird as it sounds though ... The Delta State (MS) Fighting Okra and the Scottsdale (AZ) Community College Fighting Artichokes are already in the vegetable mascot bin. Now if we could just get two other schools to call themselves The Cornbread and The Sweet Tea, we'll have the $4.95 veggie plate down at the meat-and-three.

Stop it. Stop it right now. Just because Kate Hudson is dating A-Rod, it's not okay to call her K-Hud. That is, unless her mom, G-Hawn, approves.

Jeffrey Jordan, son of Michael, has apparently decided he will not Be Like Mike. Jordan, at first a walk-on but later a scholarship player at Illinois, announced this week that he'll concentrate on his studies from now on. It's understandable. The pressure on the son to measure up to the best baller ever must have been enormous. It's a shame though cause I was looking forward to when young Jordan would quit the team to go play JV baseball and then quit that and return to hoops. And then quit again, transfer to another school to play some more before finally quitting for good so he could golf, gamble and make terrible picks for his fantasy team.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 18

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

A Florida high school assistant football coach, who also serves as the school's Youth Crime Watch advisor, was pulled over recently and arrested for coke and weed possession. The coach was also booked for carrying a loaded handgun. Behind the wheel was the school's starting quarterback. He was charged with driving without a license. Good to see that off-season training programs are in full swing in the Sunshine State.

You know that old joke about how come they sterilize the needles used for lethal injection? Well, in that same vein (sorry, couldn't resist), how come they wear white gloves to carry the Stanley Cup out to center ice for the winner's ceremony? You know they're just gonna hand it off to a bunch of sweaty hockey players who haven't shaved in two months, right? Okay, so it's a classy move but it still seems kinda pointless. I mean, you could give Ozzie Guillen a lifetime membership in Toastmasters but you're still gonna need a 7-second delay when he rips into his team.

Egypt beat Italy, 1-0, last Thursday in a Confederations Cup match and that's the first time the Azzurri, the reigning World Cup champs, have ever lost to an African team. Reports from the afterlife indicate Mark Antony has gone into seclusion over the loss and has burned his Italia 06 Coppa del Mondo Campiones cap and the game worn No. 5 Cannavaro jersey he got on eBay. Meanwhile, aides to Cleopatra say she's been doing the "Walk Like An Egyptian" dance in their atrium while taunting him with the "Nah Nah Nah Nah, Nah Nah Nah Nah, Hey Hey Hey, Goodbye" song.

An Oakland lawyer, Alfred G Rava, filed a gender discrimination class action lawsuit against the A's because he wasn't given a free hat handed out to the first 7,500 ladies in attendance back on Mother's Day in 2004. That's right, he didn't get one of the the pink sun hats given to women in support of breast cancer research so he sued. However, last week the team settled out of court for $510,000. That's right, half a million green for one pink hat. Listen up, A's, here's how you solve this problem ... Next year, offer free mammograms. And if Rava sues to get one, give it to him.

Sometimes my local paper, the Charlotte Observer, gets a little enthusiastic in its coverage of the home team as seen in this quote from its recent review of Madden 10 ... Overall the Panthers are rated an 83 overall as a team, which leads the NFC South. Well, first off, there's the overall problem with using the word "overall" twice overall. But more importantly, there's the silly boast that the video Panthers lead their video division. I know, I know, it's just a meaningless ... Wait, what? Panthers are No. 1? Whoo hoo !!! We're No. 1, baby !!! Suck it, Saints! Boo yeah, Bucs! Forget it, Falcons! PANTHERZ ROOL !!!!!!!!!

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 17

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

In a move of pure strategic brilliance, the NFL Network this week hired Matt Millen to do color on the channel's Thursday Night Football package. Millen, the failed GM who did more to depress the city of Detroit than a dozen GM failures, was also hired by ESPN to cover Saturday college games and do Sunday and Monday NFL studio work ... Which pretty much means Millen will be either on a plane, at a game or behind a desk for six solid months. And thus far far away from any NFL front office. Perfect.

Okay, time for a bold prediction ... Artie Lange will not be invited to appear on HBO's new Joe Buck Live show ever again. One of Howard Stern's pals, Lange clearly knows the only way to rescue a disaster is with f-bombs, queer jokes and other show killers like lighting up a cigarette. Man, that was painful. I'm not much of a Joe Buck fan. He's another ego-soaked airbag who thinks he got there on talent instead of being Jack Buck's kid. Even so, this first show was a train wreck. Maybe the best one we've seen since Tommy Lee Jones hunted down Harrison Ford.

In a plea bargain for killing a Miami pedestrian while drunk driving back in March, Cleveland WR Dante Stallworth got 30 days in jail, two years of house arrest and eight years of probation plus he worked out a financial settlement to compensate the victim's family. Although Stallworth still has to face league discipline, the agreement was crafted so he could resume his NFL career as soon as possible. Boy, you know it's a good thing Dante didn't kill a dog. That'll get you a couple years in Leavenworth plus bankrupt you and put your football career in a deep coma. Hey, I'm not defending Michael Vick ... I'm just wondering how his dead dogs got such good lawyers.

Sigh. And so we learn Sammy Sosa was on the juice too. Quelle surprise. Look, I really don't care what these guys put into their bodies. If they wanna walk around with giant heads and tiny balls while popping zits the size of small appliances, fine, do it. I just don't like being lied to. And neither does Congress. Speaking of which, Sosa's positive test now makes Jose Canseco a perfect 3-for-3 at that now famous 2005 Congressional hearing on steroids ... Mark McGwire, Rafael Palmiero and now Sammy. Juicy, juicier, juiciest.

Bryce Harper, the 16-year-old Las Vegas baseball prodigy featured on the SI cover a few weeks ago, announced his plan to drop out of high school, take the GED and then enroll in community college so he'll be eligible for next year's MLB amateur draft. All things considered, the plan makes sense. Some people are just born to play a sport and if Harper has found a way to get paid to play baseball earlier than usual, good for him. Let's just hope Hobbs Harper doesn't sit next to Barbara Hershey on a train. And stay away from Memo Paris too. That girl's bad luck.

Rest in peace, Dusty Rhodes.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 16

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Congrats to the Pittsburgh Penguins for winning Lord Stanley's Big Jell-O Mold. The Pens are a testament to perseverance, grit, stamina, heart, pluck, nerve and the incredibly smart strategy of sucking so bad for so many years in a row ... Which got them the high picks they used to draft superduperstars Marc-Andre Fleury, Evgeni Malkin, Sidney Crosby and Jordan Staal. Just like that. Winner, winner, chicken dinner. Nicely done, Pens. Hope you're paying attention, Detroit Lions, cause this is how it's done. First you suck, then you draft. Suck then draft. Not the other way around.

Likewise, kudos to the Kobes for winning the NBA title in five games over the overmatched Orlando Magic. What a great story ... At long last, Derek Fisher finally wins a title without Shaq getting all the limelight. It's also Ring No. 10 for Laker coach Phil Jackson and that puts Celtic legend Red Auerbach's nine champeenships in second place and Boston's suicide hotline on full alert. Time now to move on to the NBA's annual summer vacation otherwise known as the WNBA. Expect Click.

Nowadays most managers hate to let a pitcher throw more than 100 pitches in a game. Pitch count is everything. It's the sine qua non of staff management. [Not really. I just wanted to use "sine qua non" in a sentence. Chicks dig the Latin.] Anyway, it got me thinking ... How come teams don't try to find ambidextrous pitchers? I mean, they could throw 200 pitches, right?

In NASCAR news ... Instead of the usual trophy, Kyle Busch was given an original, hand-painted Gibson Les Paul guitar after he won a race in Nashville last weekend. Busch then channelled his inner Pete Townshend by smashing the one-of-a-kind axe right there in victory lane. Maybe next time, NASCAR will encourage Busch to drive his car Keith Moon-style into a hotel swimming pool. Also, note to Nashville ... Next time, give him a prop.

On Thursday, an umpire at a high school baseball game in Iowa ejected the entire crowd of about 100 people for screaming and arguing with him. The whole crowd. Every last one of them. Tossed 'em right outta there. It can't be confirmed yet but eyewitnesses at the game insist that just before the ump lost his cool and threw them all out, a soft whisper could be heard saying ... If you yelled it, he will thumb.

Twenty-one years after leaving UCLA early for NFL fame and fortune, Hall of Fame QB and current FOX Sports color man Troy Aikman finished up his sociology degree and got his diploma during graduation ceremonies at the Westwood campus on Saturday. No truth to the rumor that Troy spent the rest of the day at Kinko's making copies of his resume before going to work the evening shift at Applebee's.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 15

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Ross Ohlendorf is a rookie pitcher with the Pittsburgh Pirates. Ross Ohlendorf graduated from Princeton with a combined major in math, engineering and economics. So yeah, Ross Ohlendorf is the sharpest knife in the drawer. As proof, for his senior thesis, he submitted a 126-page paper detailing the significant long-term investment return on signing bonuses given to top amateur draft picks. In 2004, Ross Ohlendorf was a 4th round pick of the Arizona Diamondbacks and signed for $280,000 which he presumably then used to pay off his Princeton student loans ... Quod erat demonstratum.

In his spare time, Saints coach Sean Payton is apparently pitching a film script to Hollywood. It's called "The Xbox Kid" and it's about a poor New Orleans boy who discovers he can control NFL games using a refurbished Xbox his grandfather gave him after a devastating hurricane. I dunno, I might hafta wait and see on this one ... I mean, unless that thing can keep Reggie Bush from running out of bounds on every play, it's not a magic Xbox.

All right, no more fooling around, this time it's for real ... Brett Favre's family has booked 30 hotel rooms in Green Bay for the Nov 1 game against Minnesota. That's it, there's our proof. Favre is definitely playing for the Vikes. No more questions. End of story. No, wait, this just in ... Brett Favre may have been seen in a Hattiesburg farmer's exchange buying seed corn. By God, that can only mean one thing ... Brett Favre is gonna raise hogs this year which means Deanna Favre will be serving ham instead of turkey for Thanksgiving which means, with no bird to carve, Brett Favre must want to protect his throwing shoulder !!! That's it, there's our proof.

The Royals lost, 4-3 in 10 innings, to the Indians in Cleveland on Thursday night. The winning run scored when a ball hit up the middle by Shin-Soo Choo struck a flock of seagulls standing in center field. Good thing he didn't hit it to right field cause that's where Tears For Fears was standing and they'd already gunned down one runner at the plate. Anyway, the runner on second, Mark DeRosa, scored the winning run. When asked afterwards about the strange play, DeRosa said: "And I ran, I ran so far away. I just ran, I ran all night and day. I couldn't get away."

Is there anything more pathetic than the NCAA punishing guilty college programs by vacating past wins? This time around it's Alabama. Actually, I think it was Alabama the time before that too. And the time before that. Regardless, here they are again. They have to forfeit 21 football wins from 2005 to 2007 because some Tide players somehow got free textbooks for their friends. No loss of future scholarships, no television ban, no post-season restrictions, nothing. Nada, zip, zilch, bupkiss. Let that be a warning to them. Next time, it'll be something really serious ... Like drawing magic marker moustaches on old photos of Bear Bryant. That'll show 'em.

So you're Cristiano Ronaldo and you're the best soccer player in the world. You're so good that Real Madrid has agreed to pay you 80 million pounds to leave Manchester United and play for them now. And you're in Los Angeles when the big news of your transfer hits the wire. Clearly, it's time to celebrate. What do you do? Do you ... a) Retire quietly with your closest friends and family for a private toast to your fame and fortune, b) Issue a thoughtful statement thanking ManU for your time spent there and wishing them well or c) Ditch your family when you notice Paris Hilton at an LA night club and then spend the night with her at her sister Nicky's house. It's good to be the king.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 14

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Buffalo Bills owner Ralph Wilson this week picked ESPN blowhard Chris Berman to deliver his Hall of Fame acceptance speech at Canton later this summer. Nope, not a true Bills legend like Marv Levy or Jim Kelly or Bruce Smith or Thurman Thomas. Not even the genius who invented Buffalo wings. Instead, Wilson selected the gasbag who jokingly picks his two favorite teams, Niners and Bills, to meet in the Super Bowl each year. It's your call, Ralph, but I think you Norwooded this one.

They're not called the Cincinnati Bungles for nothing, folks. Recently, an automated phone call from coach Marvin Lewis was supposed to go out to 2,500 citywide elementary school "A" Honor Roll students inviting them to an exclusive "Academic Achievement Party" at the stadium next weekend. Instead, the robocall went out to 20,000 kids including all the ones whose dogs routinely eat their homework. And so on Friday, Marvin had to send out another call to correct the mistake which in turn dashed the dreams of the 17,500 kids who had hoped to meet their fellow not-so-eggheads.

Summer Bird, half brother to Mine That Bird, was the better Horse Named Bird at the Belmont on Saturday. Meanwhile, Preakness winner Rachel Alexandra skipped the final Triple Crown race so she could rest up and ... I kid you not ... do a photo shoot for Vogue magazine. The star filly, wearing nothing but her fabulous designer shoes and some chic light leather, will be featured in the August issue of the famous fashion mag. So I guess this makes her a real clothes horse then. Sorry, couldn't resist.

More from Buffalo ... Terrell Owens is apparently having problems renting a house in his new town. Seems some of the residents of upscale Orchard Park, NY objected to TO's penchant for attracting attention and causing controversy. So naturally, Owens responded to their concerns by sending a tweet out to his 30,000 Twitter followers which got picked up by all the sports media heavies who then quickly turned it into a lead story complete with quotes from agents, realtors, neighbors and of course Owens himself. Ta da! And for his next trick, he won't complain about his new quarterback.

Speaking of Twitter, Cardinals manager Tony La Russa sued the microblogger for emotional distress after someone created a fake account in his name. Hats off to the rocket scientist who tried to impersonate the only major league manager with a law degree. Not to mention no one would ever believe La Russa could say anything in less than 140 characters. But really though, if Tony needs to sue someone for emotional distress, he should forget Twitter and go file a class action suit against his relief pitchers for impersonating a bullpen.

Yawn. Just another routine sports weekend ... Tiger Woods won a golf tournament and Roger Federer won a tennis tournament. Been there, done that, caught the highlights. Except that Tiger nailed clutch birdies on the final two holes to come from four shots down to win The Memorial and Roger finally won his first French Open to complete his career Slam and match Pete Sampras for most Slams. So basically this really wasn't just any old routine weekend. I mean, other than Tiger winning a golf tournament and Roger winning a tennis tournament, it wasn't.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 13

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

The State, a local newspaper serving Columbia, SC, recently ran a slick 1/4 page ad proudly congratulating the South Carolina Gamecocks football, basketball and baseball teams for ... and I quote ... For recording at least a .500 record in all three sports in the same season. Unquote. Turns out this is the first time all three teams finished slightly north of mediocre in the same school year since USC joined the SEC back in 1992. As Hot Lips Houlihan once said to Major Burns ... "Oh, Frank, you're so above average."

Several years ago, Phil Simms uttered this immortal on-air gem about a quarterback who'd played a good game that day ... "I'm impressed. His decisions were very decisive." Move over now, Phil, and make room for new Niner corner Dre' Bly who on Monday said ... "My instincts are still very instinctive." So that's two now for Obvious Quote Bingo. Next up we'll be looking for "My habits are very habitual", "My skills are very skillful" and of course ... "My quotes are very quotable".

Florida State 37, Ohio State 6 ... Yeah, I know what you're thinking. Same here but that's not a BCS bowl game score. Hell, it's not even football. They were playing baseball. Well, at least the Noles were. I have no idea what the Poisonous Nuts were playing but the score was 8-0 after the first inning and 32-zip after five. No truth to the rumor that FSU coach Bobby Bowden sounded confused afterwards saying "That can't be my guys. It's only June. They're all out shoplifting this time of year."

How dare Danica Patrick give a hypothetical answer to a hypothetical question! When asked by Dan Patrick if she'd consider taking an unspecified performance-enhancing drug as long as it was undetectable and would help her win Indy, everybody's favorite GoDaddy pitchbabe all but conceded she would. Naturally that let loose the hounds of outrage so now Danica says it was all a joke. Maybe if she was looking for laughs, she should've asked Dan if he'd pose for the swimsuit issue if he could look as good as she does in a bathing suit. Now there's your hypothetical.

And speaking of faux outrage, do we really have to get our boxers in a bunch just because LeBron James didn't shake hands with the Magic after Orlando finished off his Cavs in Game 6? Look, sportsmanship is a wonderful thing but this wasn't the Akron All-County Middle School Tournament here. It's the NBA and James was carrying not just his whole team but the hopes of the entire greater Cleveland area. Give the man some room ... And then find him a center, another forward and a coupla guards too while we're at it.

Welcome to Empty Seat Night here at new Yankee Stadium. Prizes will be awarded to the fan with the costume that best resembles an empty bleacher seat. Wow, just look at all those costumes out there in the stands. There must be thousands of them. Boy, these fans have gone all out. I must say, their attention to detail is really impressive. The judges are going to have a hard time picking out a winner here tonight.

See ya next time.