The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 19

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

One of the guys who stole Lance Armstrong's expensive bike last year was sentenced this week to three years in prison. The racing legend spared no expense trying to find what he called the keenest bike in the world. Rumor has it Lance encountered a plus-sized ghost driver, a dinosaur truck stop and a murderous biker gang with a fondness for Mexican spirits and saxophone tunes. He finally had to ask police for help when he learned The Alamo doesn't have a basement. When asked why he didn't seek help sooner, Lance replied that he's a rebel, a loner and they shouldn't get mixed up with a guy like him.

I swear every word of this is true ... The Mahoning Valley Scrappers, one of Cleveland's Class A minor league teams, is offering a free liposuction treatment to one lucky fan in attendance on July 8th at Ladies Night Celebration sponsored by Valley Surgical Arts of Youngstown, OH. Five finalists will be chosen beforehand and the winner will be announced on the field at the game ... Okay, now here's what I don't understand ... This clinic's web site says they offer, um, other cosmetic procedures, nudge nudge wink wink say no more. I mean, if you're gonna give away free plastic surgery, why not try to stretch that single into a double? Know what I mean, eh, eh?

Three Dallas Cowboys linemen, Leonard Davis, Marc Colombo and Cory Proctor, recently signed a record deal to form a heavy (heavier?) metal band called Free Reign. Their debut CD drops later this fall. No word yet on song titles but some possibilities could include ... "Hellstorm of the Lost Playoff Berth", "Rise of the Falling Star", "Wide Receiver Motormouth Blues", "Romo Fumble Death" and "The Ballad of Stopped Just Short With No Timeouts Left".

The College of William and Mary ("Bill And The Wife") is looking for a new team mascot. They used to be the Indians but switched to The Tribe years ago. That name can stay but the feathered logo has to go. The search committee has received over 400 suggestions including a stalk of asparagus whose submitter observed that, when served with cheese, it matches the school colors. That's not as weird as it sounds though ... The Delta State (MS) Fighting Okra and the Scottsdale (AZ) Community College Fighting Artichokes are already in the vegetable mascot bin. Now if we could just get two other schools to call themselves The Cornbread and The Sweet Tea, we'll have the $4.95 veggie plate down at the meat-and-three.

Stop it. Stop it right now. Just because Kate Hudson is dating A-Rod, it's not okay to call her K-Hud. That is, unless her mom, G-Hawn, approves.

Jeffrey Jordan, son of Michael, has apparently decided he will not Be Like Mike. Jordan, at first a walk-on but later a scholarship player at Illinois, announced this week that he'll concentrate on his studies from now on. It's understandable. The pressure on the son to measure up to the best baller ever must have been enormous. It's a shame though cause I was looking forward to when young Jordan would quit the team to go play JV baseball and then quit that and return to hoops. And then quit again, transfer to another school to play some more before finally quitting for good so he could golf, gamble and make terrible picks for his fantasy team.

See ya next time.