The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 17

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

In a move of pure strategic brilliance, the NFL Network this week hired Matt Millen to do color on the channel's Thursday Night Football package. Millen, the failed GM who did more to depress the city of Detroit than a dozen GM failures, was also hired by ESPN to cover Saturday college games and do Sunday and Monday NFL studio work ... Which pretty much means Millen will be either on a plane, at a game or behind a desk for six solid months. And thus far far away from any NFL front office. Perfect.

Okay, time for a bold prediction ... Artie Lange will not be invited to appear on HBO's new Joe Buck Live show ever again. One of Howard Stern's pals, Lange clearly knows the only way to rescue a disaster is with f-bombs, queer jokes and other show killers like lighting up a cigarette. Man, that was painful. I'm not much of a Joe Buck fan. He's another ego-soaked airbag who thinks he got there on talent instead of being Jack Buck's kid. Even so, this first show was a train wreck. Maybe the best one we've seen since Tommy Lee Jones hunted down Harrison Ford.

In a plea bargain for killing a Miami pedestrian while drunk driving back in March, Cleveland WR Dante Stallworth got 30 days in jail, two years of house arrest and eight years of probation plus he worked out a financial settlement to compensate the victim's family. Although Stallworth still has to face league discipline, the agreement was crafted so he could resume his NFL career as soon as possible. Boy, you know it's a good thing Dante didn't kill a dog. That'll get you a couple years in Leavenworth plus bankrupt you and put your football career in a deep coma. Hey, I'm not defending Michael Vick ... I'm just wondering how his dead dogs got such good lawyers.

Sigh. And so we learn Sammy Sosa was on the juice too. Quelle surprise. Look, I really don't care what these guys put into their bodies. If they wanna walk around with giant heads and tiny balls while popping zits the size of small appliances, fine, do it. I just don't like being lied to. And neither does Congress. Speaking of which, Sosa's positive test now makes Jose Canseco a perfect 3-for-3 at that now famous 2005 Congressional hearing on steroids ... Mark McGwire, Rafael Palmiero and now Sammy. Juicy, juicier, juiciest.

Bryce Harper, the 16-year-old Las Vegas baseball prodigy featured on the SI cover a few weeks ago, announced his plan to drop out of high school, take the GED and then enroll in community college so he'll be eligible for next year's MLB amateur draft. All things considered, the plan makes sense. Some people are just born to play a sport and if Harper has found a way to get paid to play baseball earlier than usual, good for him. Let's just hope Hobbs Harper doesn't sit next to Barbara Hershey on a train. And stay away from Memo Paris too. That girl's bad luck.

Rest in peace, Dusty Rhodes.

See ya next time.