The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 29

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

On Wednesday night, one of those cute and cuddly Cubs bleacher fans tossed a cup of beer on Phillies CF Shane Victorino as he was making a catch near the wall. And then ... and this is just adorable ... the beerchucker pointed at someone else who was quickly whisked away by Chicago's finest. I guess now we know how Al Capone avoided arrest for so long. Anyway, after careful forensic photo analysis ... back and to the left, back and to the left, back and to the left ... the guy turned himself in to face charges. Hopefully, he'll be sentenced to watching more Cubs games.

And so Rick "Success Is A Choice But Apparently Adultery Is Not" Pitino is in a sex scandal. Extortion, abortion, distortion, whatever. It's as tawdry (and as unsurprising) as any other jock screwup. Hell, Pitino's got a great reputation for getting guys ready for the NBA. Maybe this was just another hands-on demonstration. But here's where it gets weird ... Coach Pitino had been invited to speak next month at Samford University Law School. But now that he's Coach Paternity, the school quickly ditched his speech. Which makes no sense, I mean, now he's got a legal issue to talk about, right?

More college news ... The NCAA punished yet another scalawag rogue program. This time it was that noted basketball factory, Southeast Missouri State, who felt the wrath of The Lords of Absurdity. Let's see now ... All hoops wins from 2006 through 2008. Poof. Gone baby gone because an assistant gave a player a ride to see his newborn baby. Another player got $239 to cover some unpaid admin fees. Also, three years of probee cause the coaches "observed out-of-season pickup games". Oh but that's not all ... A booster also paid the tuition for a former women's team player who needed one extra semester to get her degree. The nerve of some people.

And so The Michael Vick Experience at long last has landed in Philadelphia. I sure hope the Iggles know what they're doing. Last time they had a high profile, high maintenance, high energy guy in the locker room {cough} TO {cough}, they got off to a good start but later on it blew up like a gag cigar. One thing about Philly fans though ... If by some miracle of miracles, Michael Dwayne Vick actually helps bring home one (1) certified genuine Vince Lombardi Trophy to the COBL, he could light a box of puppies on fire in the middle of Broad Street and they'd give him a parade ... And then kick the ever living crap out of him.

Rumors are out that actress Kate Hudson wants boyfriend Alex Rodriguez to give her a little bundle of joy. Supposedly, she's even willing to pay for everything. Kate, sweetie, that's not the issue. Pay Rod's got plenty of spare coin laying around. The real problem is everybody knows the Yankee slugger is prone to pop out in the clutch. Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week. Try the veal.

Rest in peace, Eunice Kennedy Shriver. Thanks for the Special Olympics.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 19

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

One of the guys who stole Lance Armstrong's expensive bike last year was sentenced this week to three years in prison. The racing legend spared no expense trying to find what he called the keenest bike in the world. Rumor has it Lance encountered a plus-sized ghost driver, a dinosaur truck stop and a murderous biker gang with a fondness for Mexican spirits and saxophone tunes. He finally had to ask police for help when he learned The Alamo doesn't have a basement. When asked why he didn't seek help sooner, Lance replied that he's a rebel, a loner and they shouldn't get mixed up with a guy like him.

I swear every word of this is true ... The Mahoning Valley Scrappers, one of Cleveland's Class A minor league teams, is offering a free liposuction treatment to one lucky fan in attendance on July 8th at Ladies Night Celebration sponsored by Valley Surgical Arts of Youngstown, OH. Five finalists will be chosen beforehand and the winner will be announced on the field at the game ... Okay, now here's what I don't understand ... This clinic's web site says they offer, um, other cosmetic procedures, nudge nudge wink wink say no more. I mean, if you're gonna give away free plastic surgery, why not try to stretch that single into a double? Know what I mean, eh, eh?

Three Dallas Cowboys linemen, Leonard Davis, Marc Colombo and Cory Proctor, recently signed a record deal to form a heavy (heavier?) metal band called Free Reign. Their debut CD drops later this fall. No word yet on song titles but some possibilities could include ... "Hellstorm of the Lost Playoff Berth", "Rise of the Falling Star", "Wide Receiver Motormouth Blues", "Romo Fumble Death" and "The Ballad of Stopped Just Short With No Timeouts Left".

The College of William and Mary ("Bill And The Wife") is looking for a new team mascot. They used to be the Indians but switched to The Tribe years ago. That name can stay but the feathered logo has to go. The search committee has received over 400 suggestions including a stalk of asparagus whose submitter observed that, when served with cheese, it matches the school colors. That's not as weird as it sounds though ... The Delta State (MS) Fighting Okra and the Scottsdale (AZ) Community College Fighting Artichokes are already in the vegetable mascot bin. Now if we could just get two other schools to call themselves The Cornbread and The Sweet Tea, we'll have the $4.95 veggie plate down at the meat-and-three.

Stop it. Stop it right now. Just because Kate Hudson is dating A-Rod, it's not okay to call her K-Hud. That is, unless her mom, G-Hawn, approves.

Jeffrey Jordan, son of Michael, has apparently decided he will not Be Like Mike. Jordan, at first a walk-on but later a scholarship player at Illinois, announced this week that he'll concentrate on his studies from now on. It's understandable. The pressure on the son to measure up to the best baller ever must have been enormous. It's a shame though cause I was looking forward to when young Jordan would quit the team to go play JV baseball and then quit that and return to hoops. And then quit again, transfer to another school to play some more before finally quitting for good so he could golf, gamble and make terrible picks for his fantasy team.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 8

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Warning: The following piece is a No Favre Zone and may not be suitable for a general audience. Especially those who hang on every twitch, breath and mere utterance of a certain former Atlanta Falcon, Green Bay Packer, New York Jet and perhaps future Minnesota Viking quarterback who is either a) bored to tears on his farm, b) loves stringing people along year after year or c) just can't seem to let those long ago and far away cheers just ... fade ... away.

Dumb is forgetting how many outs there are or swinging on a 3-0 count when the pitcher hasn't thrown a strike since last week. Really dumb is not walking Albert Pujols with first base open. Monumentally dumb, however, is failing a drug test for steroids when everyone in the entire baseball universe knows you're gonna get tested. Ladies and gentlemen, Manny Ramirez.

Gotta give it up to Manny, though. Seeing as how he tested positive for a women's fertility drug, at least the man was original. Even more remarkable is he somehow managed to push Alex Rodriguez and his never-ending little soap opera off the front page of the sports section. Man, that's hard to do. Normally, you can't get ARod off the radar scope until he disappears in the playoffs.

After 11 years in the minors and more bus rides than Ralph Kramden, infielder Bobby Scales finally made it to The Show when the Cubbies called him up this week. Good for him. Even if he only lasts a few weeks in the majors, he made it. And a few years from now, when Bobby's back in A ball and he's lazily strumming a guitar in the back seat of a bus to Winston-Salem, he'll be able to say ...

Yeah, I was in The Show. I was in The Show for 21 days once, the 21 greatest days of my life. You know, you never handle your luggage in The Show. Somebody else carries your bags. It was great. You hit white balls for batting practice, the ballparks are like cathedrals, the hotels all have room service and the women all have long legs and brains.

"Miami Dolphins partner with Buffet" ... Hey, good move, Fish. Warren Buffet is one of the smartest and richest businessmen alive today. Wait a minute, it's not Warren, it's Jimmy? The same Jimmy Buffet who "made enough money to buy Miami but pissed it away so fast"? Indeed, the son of a son of a sailor signed a naming rights deal this week with the Fins to the left, Fins to the right. And so now welcome to Landshark Stadium, named after Landshark Lager, a beer Jimmy brews. Candygram.

Rest in peace, Danny Ozark. Thanks for showing the 70's Phillies how to win but I'm still not over Black Friday. You were supposed to put Jerry Martin in left field, man.

See ya next time.

P.S. Parrothead Park woulda been so much better.