The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 36

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Most NFL teams fine players for all kinds of Mickey Mouse stuff. If you're five minutes late to a meeting or forget to wear a tie on the plane, next week's front office doughnuts are on you. Some teams though go the extra mile. After one player left his hotel room without paying for a $3 bottle of water, Cleveland Browns coach Eric Mangini fined him $1,701. He could've just deducted $3 from the player's next game check but instead Mangini carefully calculated the absolute maximum amount he could collect according to league rules. Way to build good chemistry there, coach. And way to get the league's first ever dry Gatorade bath if you ever do win a big game.

Actually, there's probably a better reason why Eric Mangini is cracking down on unpaid bottles of acqua. Seeing as how the league docked the ex-Jets coach 25 boxes of ziti for hiding Brett Favre's arm injury last year, the new Don in Cleveland must need to skim a little more vig from some of his big earners so he can make his nut and pay off New York. A fanabla.

After the double embarrassment of losing to Boise State and then suspending their star running back, the Oregon Ducks couldn't sink much lower. And now they're out $439 too. One unhappy Duck alum wrote a scathing letter to coach Chip Kelly and even included an invoice for his travel expenses up to Idaho. To which Kelly attached his personal check and sent it back. Honestly, I didn't think that would work but all right then ...

Dear Eagles, enclosed please find an invoice for eleventy three gazillion dollars to cover tickets, parking, tolls, gas, concessions and personal anguish with interest for coughing up that 23-0 lead with 8:27 to play in the 4th quarter and losing 28-23 to the Vikings at The Vet back on December 1, 1985. No, I haven't forgotten. There's no effing way Jaworski should've run that naked boot ... which he fumbled for one score ... and I still don't understand how Anthony Carter got behind the deep prevent twice for two more scores. Please make check payable to Section 719, Row 14, Seats 19-20. Thank you. P.S. Just in case you've forgotten ...

http://www.pro-football-reference.com/boxscores/198512010phi.htm

Dear New Cowboys Stadium, congratulations on setting an NFL regular season attendance record of 105,121 at your debut this past Sunday night against the Jints. We've been sitting that many college fans for decades and without 30,000 SRO's who couldn't see anything but stetsons and shoulders in every direction too. Best regards, Penn State Beaver Stadium, Michigan Stadium, Ohio State Stadium, Tennessee Neyland Stadium and Texas Longhorn Stadium.

NFL Week 2 Notes ... The J-E-T-S won Super Bowl 43 1/8th with a self-proclaimed epic regular season win over their hated rival Patriots. Tony Romo pretended the Pokes home opener was a playoff game. The Jagwires unveiled new home uniforms in front of old empty seats. Ray Lewis demonstrated just how easy it is to tackle a back when nobody blocks him. And Chad "Child, Please" Ochocinco did the Lambeau Leap right into a seething pit of Lambeau middle fingers. Straight up, yo.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 23

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

The Home Run Derby takes way too long. Yeah, it's fun but you could confirm a new Supreme Court justice in less time than it takes to work through all those rounds of big fly launching. One idea to speed things up right off the bat is we could dock each slugger two outs if one of the Little Leaguers in the outfield makes the catch. Three if Luis Castillo catches it.

Here it is July and training camps haven't even opened up yet but Dallas QB Tony Romo is already in post-season form. Turnover Tony put girlfriend Jessica Simpson on waivers the night before her 29th birthday and ruined the party she was planning. I'm sorry but that's a fumble. And no booth review needed either. I don't care if she is batshiat crazy. Unless you got a backup warming up who's 10x hotter, you don't tell a girl like that to clean out her locker and turn in her playbook.

I musta missed the memo but when did this whole mixed martial arts thing go mainstream? Okay, so it's the dead of summer and the sports calendar is pretty much in a coma which might explain why something called the UFC 100 was all the rave last week. But people were going around referring to some of these fighters by last name only ... Lesnar? Mir? ... as if they were household names. Are we really on a one-name basis with guys who beat each other senseless for a living? Man, I was just starting to get familiar with some of the soccer players.

It took eight All-Star Game innings but Tim McCarver finally delivered one of his patented "double explanations" of a brutally simple baseball concept. As Dodger 2B Orlando Hudson was batting, McCarver noted that, on Sunday against the Brewers, the switch hitter had belted two home runs. And then Tim-may kept right on going with this gem ... "Hudson homered from both sides of the plate. One from the left and one from the right." Thanks, Tim, you're the No. 1 best.

Two weeks until football is back. Mmm, pigskin.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 9

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Dallas QB Tony Romo tried to qualify for the US Open this week but, just like the Cowboys, he came up just a little short. Speaking of little shorts, Jessica Simpson's favorite signal caller shot even par on the front nine but five bogeys plus a triple bogey on the back nine ended his Tin Cup quest. Although to be fair to Tony, he didn't see that Eagle before it swooped in front of his fairway shot and returned it all the way back to the first tee.

Big ups to my nephew, Justin Weiner, a junior at Delaware whose varsity lightweight 8 crew team took gold at the big Dad Vail Regatta last weekend on (in?) the Schuylkill River in Philadelphia. Dude is 6-1, 155 and ripped like rebar concrete. I'm sure coaching a crew team isn't easy on race days but practices have to be a no-brainer. Okay, guys, today I want you to row til you puke. But we did that yesterday, Coach. Yep, and you're gonna do it again tomorrow too. Let's go, fellas, you were just borrowing that breakfast.

To the Orlando dad who demanded an apology after his 12-year-old son was nudged bumped shoved trampled assaulted by big Celtics F Glen Davis on the Magic sidelines after he sank the buzzer beater that won Game 4 ... Listen up, you and your precious snowflake had coveted courtside seats. When you sit that close to a basketball court, large basketball players will, on occasion, make their presence known. Geez, even trackside NASCAR fans don't whine when they get sprayed with flying car parts. Well, maybe that's a bad example. Actually, I think they might like it.

Former Indy coach Tony Dungy visited Michael "Pooch Punt" Vick in prison last week and then later announced that Michael wants ... wait for it ... yep, you got it ... a second chance in the NFL. Really, Tony, you figured that out all by yourself? I dunno, I'm not a Super Bowl winning coach or a popular motivational speaker and acclaimed best seller author but I kinda figured that Mike's well-publicized bankruptcy court hearings were a pretty good sign the man needs some lotsa coin.

It's no secret I like Mark Cuban, the controversial owner of the Dallas Mavericks. The Association needs more owners with his burning passion and willingness to spend rivers of cash on his team. But many times Cuban's fire has gotten him in trouble ... Like this week when he yelled to Nuggets F Kenyon Martin's mom that her son's a thug. Probably not a good idea, Mark, cause you know that's a media storm just waiting to rain on you ... Whether you were right {cough} K-Mart, coached by Bob Huggins at Cincinnati {cough} or not.

Rest in peace, Chuck Daly.

See ya next time.