The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 36

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Most NFL teams fine players for all kinds of Mickey Mouse stuff. If you're five minutes late to a meeting or forget to wear a tie on the plane, next week's front office doughnuts are on you. Some teams though go the extra mile. After one player left his hotel room without paying for a $3 bottle of water, Cleveland Browns coach Eric Mangini fined him $1,701. He could've just deducted $3 from the player's next game check but instead Mangini carefully calculated the absolute maximum amount he could collect according to league rules. Way to build good chemistry there, coach. And way to get the league's first ever dry Gatorade bath if you ever do win a big game.

Actually, there's probably a better reason why Eric Mangini is cracking down on unpaid bottles of acqua. Seeing as how the league docked the ex-Jets coach 25 boxes of ziti for hiding Brett Favre's arm injury last year, the new Don in Cleveland must need to skim a little more vig from some of his big earners so he can make his nut and pay off New York. A fanabla.

After the double embarrassment of losing to Boise State and then suspending their star running back, the Oregon Ducks couldn't sink much lower. And now they're out $439 too. One unhappy Duck alum wrote a scathing letter to coach Chip Kelly and even included an invoice for his travel expenses up to Idaho. To which Kelly attached his personal check and sent it back. Honestly, I didn't think that would work but all right then ...

Dear Eagles, enclosed please find an invoice for eleventy three gazillion dollars to cover tickets, parking, tolls, gas, concessions and personal anguish with interest for coughing up that 23-0 lead with 8:27 to play in the 4th quarter and losing 28-23 to the Vikings at The Vet back on December 1, 1985. No, I haven't forgotten. There's no effing way Jaworski should've run that naked boot ... which he fumbled for one score ... and I still don't understand how Anthony Carter got behind the deep prevent twice for two more scores. Please make check payable to Section 719, Row 14, Seats 19-20. Thank you. P.S. Just in case you've forgotten ...

http://www.pro-football-reference.com/boxscores/198512010phi.htm

Dear New Cowboys Stadium, congratulations on setting an NFL regular season attendance record of 105,121 at your debut this past Sunday night against the Jints. We've been sitting that many college fans for decades and without 30,000 SRO's who couldn't see anything but stetsons and shoulders in every direction too. Best regards, Penn State Beaver Stadium, Michigan Stadium, Ohio State Stadium, Tennessee Neyland Stadium and Texas Longhorn Stadium.

NFL Week 2 Notes ... The J-E-T-S won Super Bowl 43 1/8th with a self-proclaimed epic regular season win over their hated rival Patriots. Tony Romo pretended the Pokes home opener was a playoff game. The Jagwires unveiled new home uniforms in front of old empty seats. Ray Lewis demonstrated just how easy it is to tackle a back when nobody blocks him. And Chad "Child, Please" Ochocinco did the Lambeau Leap right into a seething pit of Lambeau middle fingers. Straight up, yo.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 34

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

How come home team fans always boo and yell "Balk!" when the opposing pitcher fakes a pickoff throw? Any time, any base, any move. If the bad guy fakes a throw, fans holler for the balk. Every time without fail. Has this ever worked? Has any paid professional umpire, in the recorded history of organized baseball, ever said to himself ... "You know what, these 35,000 fans, even the ones way up there in the cheap seats, can see this game much better than me and my fellow bluemen. They're right, that was a balk. Runners advance."

A group called Main Line Animal Rescue put an ad in the Washington Post this week offering to donate five bags of dog food to a local DC animal shelter for each time the Redskins sack Michael Vick during the Skins home game against the Iggles in October. Man, I love meaningless symbolic gestures like this. I mean, the dogs don't have a clue where dog food comes from, Vick certainly doesn't care and yet the animal lovers still have something to feel good about. Oh yeah, coming out, puppy needs a new bowl of food.

Here's a new rule Bill Maher-style ... New Rule: Stay away from any celebrity chick who changes her last name to a hard liquor. Yep, that means you, Shawne Merriman. I admit I don't know who Tila Tequila is but that name says all you need to know. I mean, if you just gotta hang with booze babes, try spending quality time with Betty Budweiser or Zoe Zinfandel instead. Those ladies typically don't get you arrested for battery and false imprisonment a week before the NFL season kicks off. Better yet, Shawne, have some Wendy Water or Paula Pepsi.

And speaking of Shawne, we need another new rule. There are too many athletes with too many different ways of spelling that name. Besides Merriman, there's gymnast Shawn Johnson, snowboarder Shaun White, hockey player Shean Donovan, Saints coach Sean Payton and an assortment of lesser known Shons, Seanns and Shaans. And then of course there's Angels 3B Chone Figgins. I'll admit when he first came up I thought it was "Chone" as in "phone" but n'uh-uh, Chone is a Sean. Or a Shaun. Or whatever.

Teenage sensation Melanie Oudin's upset run at the US Open ended in a quarterfinals loss to some Danish babe (bjabe?) but perhaps that's a good thing for the New York City hospitality industry. Seems Miss Oudin hadn't expected to make it as far as the Open's second week so her reservations at the Manhattan Marriott Marquis were for one week only. When they asked her to leave, she had to move to another hotel leaving embarrassed Marriott staffers with chicken embryos on their corporate faces. The lesson as always ... Don't count your check-ins before the match. Sorry, couldn't resist.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 32

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Hats off to Christie Rampone, player-coach and captain of Sky Blue FC, the first champion of the brand new Women's Professional Soccer League. Rampone, who also captains the US national team, led her squad to upset playoff wins over the league's top three teams all on the road and all in just eight days. But when the champagne corks were popped and her giddy teammates noticed she wasn't getting all bubbly with them, that's when Christie had to let them in on her real news. Yep, you got it ... Mrs Rampone is 11 weeks pregnant. Minivan or no minivan, that's a soccer mom.

Michael Vick's line from the Eagles pre-season game against Jacksonville ... Six plays, 4 passes for 19 yards, 1 run for 1 yard. Donovan McNabb's line ... "Putting him in and taking me out disrupts the flow of the offense and hurts our rhythm." Yeah, this is gonna go well.

Carowinds, an amusement park here in Charlotte, announced this week a new roller coaster ride set to debut next summer. Say hello to The Intimidator, a 232-foot-high monster with a top speed of 80 mph. The thrill ride is named after the late great NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Sr and features seven steep drops, one for each of Earnhardt's Winston Cup championships. What they didn't say is they also send out the black No. 3 car right after yours to ride your sorry ass and bump you off the ride if you don't move over and let him pass. Hey, rubbin' is racin'.

No truth to the rumor that Carowinds is also planning a Dale Earnhardt Jr roller coaster that'll be the most popular ride in the entire park but will have no steep drops plus it'll develop engine trouble and whine about its stepmother.

Boy, it's nice to see Isiah Thomas back and causing problems again. Last seen turning the New York Knicks into a bad sitcom, Thomas is now head coach at little Florida International. Seems he thought his Golden Panthers were all set to play Ohio State in the season-opening Coaches vs Cancer Tournament. Thomas even said his team welcomed the tough challenge. Not so fast there, Zeke. Turns out FIU is playing defending champ North Carolina instead so now Isiah is miffed and threatening to stay home. So in other words, when it's for a worthwhile cause, it's okay to get your ass kicked but it's not okay to get it thoroughly abused. Got it, thanks.

Back in May, the Denver Nuggets had a scheduling conflict with the WWE. Game 4 of the Western Conference finals at home against the Lakers was scheduled for the same night as Monday Night Raw. But after a bit of his usual bluster, Vince McMahon packed up and left town. Winner: Nuggets. The Atlanta Dream is a WNBA team looking for its first playoff berth. But they too have a scheduling problem as Sesame Street Live! is booked at Phillips Arena just as the playoffs begin. Guess who has to move this time? That's right, ladies, you do not bump the Muppets. Winner: Elmo.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 29

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

On Wednesday night, one of those cute and cuddly Cubs bleacher fans tossed a cup of beer on Phillies CF Shane Victorino as he was making a catch near the wall. And then ... and this is just adorable ... the beerchucker pointed at someone else who was quickly whisked away by Chicago's finest. I guess now we know how Al Capone avoided arrest for so long. Anyway, after careful forensic photo analysis ... back and to the left, back and to the left, back and to the left ... the guy turned himself in to face charges. Hopefully, he'll be sentenced to watching more Cubs games.

And so Rick "Success Is A Choice But Apparently Adultery Is Not" Pitino is in a sex scandal. Extortion, abortion, distortion, whatever. It's as tawdry (and as unsurprising) as any other jock screwup. Hell, Pitino's got a great reputation for getting guys ready for the NBA. Maybe this was just another hands-on demonstration. But here's where it gets weird ... Coach Pitino had been invited to speak next month at Samford University Law School. But now that he's Coach Paternity, the school quickly ditched his speech. Which makes no sense, I mean, now he's got a legal issue to talk about, right?

More college news ... The NCAA punished yet another scalawag rogue program. This time it was that noted basketball factory, Southeast Missouri State, who felt the wrath of The Lords of Absurdity. Let's see now ... All hoops wins from 2006 through 2008. Poof. Gone baby gone because an assistant gave a player a ride to see his newborn baby. Another player got $239 to cover some unpaid admin fees. Also, three years of probee cause the coaches "observed out-of-season pickup games". Oh but that's not all ... A booster also paid the tuition for a former women's team player who needed one extra semester to get her degree. The nerve of some people.

And so The Michael Vick Experience at long last has landed in Philadelphia. I sure hope the Iggles know what they're doing. Last time they had a high profile, high maintenance, high energy guy in the locker room {cough} TO {cough}, they got off to a good start but later on it blew up like a gag cigar. One thing about Philly fans though ... If by some miracle of miracles, Michael Dwayne Vick actually helps bring home one (1) certified genuine Vince Lombardi Trophy to the COBL, he could light a box of puppies on fire in the middle of Broad Street and they'd give him a parade ... And then kick the ever living crap out of him.

Rumors are out that actress Kate Hudson wants boyfriend Alex Rodriguez to give her a little bundle of joy. Supposedly, she's even willing to pay for everything. Kate, sweetie, that's not the issue. Pay Rod's got plenty of spare coin laying around. The real problem is everybody knows the Yankee slugger is prone to pop out in the clutch. Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week. Try the veal.

Rest in peace, Eunice Kennedy Shriver. Thanks for the Special Olympics.

See ya next time.