The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 2, Issue 2

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

One day many years ago, when my youngest sister was in grade school and doing her homework, she asked me how to spell the word "pneumonia".

Me: Oh, that's easy ... "p-n-e-u-" ...
Her: No, no, that can't be right. Don't tease me.
Me: But that really is how you spell "pneumonia" ... "p-n-e-u-" ...
Her: I don't believe you. No word starts with "p-n-e-u-". I'm gonna go get my dictionary.
Me: Go right ahead ......
Me: Well?
Her: I can't believe it. That doesn't make any sense at all. Who came up with that crazy idea?

Ladies and gentlemen, the New Orleans Saints are Super Bowl champions ... "p-n-e-u-"

Dear NFL, please I'm begging you. Enough with the geriatric halftime shows. Any act eligible for an AARP card should be ineligible for the Super Bowl. Look, I love The Who. They were the party band back in their glory days but that was 30+ years ago. It's time to get some younger bands out there. Hell, I'd rather watch an 'N Sync reunion over another geezer show. Oh wait, bad example. I forgot Justin Timberlake is on the bad boy list.

Daddy? Yes, Peyton, what is it, son? All the kids at school talk about you, Daddy. They say Archie Manning will never win a Super Bowl for the Saints. Gee, Peyton, the Saints are pretty bad right now so I guess it ain't looking too good for us. Well, when I grow up, I'm going to make it to the Super Bowl, Daddy. And when I'm there, I'm going to throw the pass that wins it for the Saints. I'm sure you will, son. Now go outside and play because Daddy has to go over this week's game plan against the Colts.

Super Bowl commercials were a mixed bag as usual. I loved the little kid who protected his mama and his salty, fatty corn chips. The Snickers spot ... more junk food ... with Betty White and Abe Vigoda was good too. And although the CareerBuilder ad featuring casual Fridays in underwear was funny, I'm not sure they realize people will do pretty much anything to keep their jobs these days. Hell, they'd probably watch The Who all over again ... In their underwear.

Boy, isn't it amazing what a great coach ol' Roy Williams is when his Tar Heel roster is all full of next year's shiny happy NBA draft picks? Almost as amazing as how sucky he is when it isn't. Welcome to the low rent district, coach. Say it loud, say it proud ... N-I-T.

The Vancouver Winter Olympics begin this weekend and, as usual, there are several compelling stories sandwiched in between breathless figure skating hysteria. Lindsey Vonn was on the verge of being the superstar skier no one will remember in two weeks. But because of a painful shin bruise, now she might be the superstar skier no one ever heard of. In other Lindsey news, Lindsey Jacobellis is back for another try at snowboard cross. Let's hope she leaves her hot dog moves back at the Village this time. Let the drug tests begin.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 44

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Last Sunday, as the Saints offense started to get rolling in the second half against my Panthers, former Ravens bossman Brian Billick, who was doing the color commentary, said ... "Now we're finally going to see New Orleans show us The Full Monty". Unquote. And I thought to myself ... Um, he either saw a completely different movie or I'm about to change this channel real quick.

Got an e-mail from Amazon this morning. It read ... We've noticed that customers who have purchased 2008 Philadelphia Phillies: The Official World Series Film have also purchased 2009 World Series Highlights on DVD. You can now pre-order yours at a savings of $5.00 off by following the link below ... click on Reply ... Dear Amazon, we've noticed that customers who have purchased stuff from Amazon have also purchased stuff from Borders and Barnes & Noble. You can now pre-bite me at a savings of $5.00 off by following the link below.

I have a theory about Bengals WR Chad "Ya Doesn't Have To Call Me Johnson" Ochocinco. I think the NFL secretly loves his antics and can't wait to see what he does next. Chad's latest stunt took place last week against Baltimore when he offered a $1 bill to a ref during a replay challenge. On Friday, he was fined $20,000 for attempting to "bribe" the official but I still think the league doesn't mind all that much. I mean, 20 large buys a lotta coffee packs, juice bottles and microwave popcorn back at Park Avenue headquarters.

Does anyone know why Raiders coach Tom Cable still has a job? I mean, first he broke an assistant coach's jaw during a training camp spat. Then he was accused by not one but two women, his first wife and a former girlfriend, of physical abuse which delighted the ladies at NOW, the National Organization for Women, so much they want Cable suspended right NOW. Meanwhile, he's 2-6 this year and 6-14 overall. QB JaMarcus Russell is a massive bust, the other players are either playing poorly or bitching about not playing poorly and the only one having a great season is the punter. And yet, Tom Cable is still not collecting unemployment. Must be nice.

Uh-oh, Cleveland, this is not good. The Cavs' ubersuperdupermegastar LeBron James says he'll switch from wearing No. 23 to No. 6 next season as a tribute to Michael Jordan. Ah, but what James doesn't say is exactly whose No. 6 he'll be wearing. LBJ is eligible for unrestricted free agency next summer and desperate teams (Hi, Knicks!) have been clearing huge swathes of cap space just for him. So next year, either every kid in Cleveland will be bugging mom for a new Cavaliers "JAMES 6" jersey or every kid in some other NBA city will be. Enjoy the rest of the year, Cleveland.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 15

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Ross Ohlendorf is a rookie pitcher with the Pittsburgh Pirates. Ross Ohlendorf graduated from Princeton with a combined major in math, engineering and economics. So yeah, Ross Ohlendorf is the sharpest knife in the drawer. As proof, for his senior thesis, he submitted a 126-page paper detailing the significant long-term investment return on signing bonuses given to top amateur draft picks. In 2004, Ross Ohlendorf was a 4th round pick of the Arizona Diamondbacks and signed for $280,000 which he presumably then used to pay off his Princeton student loans ... Quod erat demonstratum.

In his spare time, Saints coach Sean Payton is apparently pitching a film script to Hollywood. It's called "The Xbox Kid" and it's about a poor New Orleans boy who discovers he can control NFL games using a refurbished Xbox his grandfather gave him after a devastating hurricane. I dunno, I might hafta wait and see on this one ... I mean, unless that thing can keep Reggie Bush from running out of bounds on every play, it's not a magic Xbox.

All right, no more fooling around, this time it's for real ... Brett Favre's family has booked 30 hotel rooms in Green Bay for the Nov 1 game against Minnesota. That's it, there's our proof. Favre is definitely playing for the Vikes. No more questions. End of story. No, wait, this just in ... Brett Favre may have been seen in a Hattiesburg farmer's exchange buying seed corn. By God, that can only mean one thing ... Brett Favre is gonna raise hogs this year which means Deanna Favre will be serving ham instead of turkey for Thanksgiving which means, with no bird to carve, Brett Favre must want to protect his throwing shoulder !!! That's it, there's our proof.

The Royals lost, 4-3 in 10 innings, to the Indians in Cleveland on Thursday night. The winning run scored when a ball hit up the middle by Shin-Soo Choo struck a flock of seagulls standing in center field. Good thing he didn't hit it to right field cause that's where Tears For Fears was standing and they'd already gunned down one runner at the plate. Anyway, the runner on second, Mark DeRosa, scored the winning run. When asked afterwards about the strange play, DeRosa said: "And I ran, I ran so far away. I just ran, I ran all night and day. I couldn't get away."

Is there anything more pathetic than the NCAA punishing guilty college programs by vacating past wins? This time around it's Alabama. Actually, I think it was Alabama the time before that too. And the time before that. Regardless, here they are again. They have to forfeit 21 football wins from 2005 to 2007 because some Tide players somehow got free textbooks for their friends. No loss of future scholarships, no television ban, no post-season restrictions, nothing. Nada, zip, zilch, bupkiss. Let that be a warning to them. Next time, it'll be something really serious ... Like drawing magic marker moustaches on old photos of Bear Bryant. That'll show 'em.

So you're Cristiano Ronaldo and you're the best soccer player in the world. You're so good that Real Madrid has agreed to pay you 80 million pounds to leave Manchester United and play for them now. And you're in Los Angeles when the big news of your transfer hits the wire. Clearly, it's time to celebrate. What do you do? Do you ... a) Retire quietly with your closest friends and family for a private toast to your fame and fortune, b) Issue a thoughtful statement thanking ManU for your time spent there and wishing them well or c) Ditch your family when you notice Paris Hilton at an LA night club and then spend the night with her at her sister Nicky's house. It's good to be the king.

See ya next time.