The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 44

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Last Sunday, as the Saints offense started to get rolling in the second half against my Panthers, former Ravens bossman Brian Billick, who was doing the color commentary, said ... "Now we're finally going to see New Orleans show us The Full Monty". Unquote. And I thought to myself ... Um, he either saw a completely different movie or I'm about to change this channel real quick.

Got an e-mail from Amazon this morning. It read ... We've noticed that customers who have purchased 2008 Philadelphia Phillies: The Official World Series Film have also purchased 2009 World Series Highlights on DVD. You can now pre-order yours at a savings of $5.00 off by following the link below ... click on Reply ... Dear Amazon, we've noticed that customers who have purchased stuff from Amazon have also purchased stuff from Borders and Barnes & Noble. You can now pre-bite me at a savings of $5.00 off by following the link below.

I have a theory about Bengals WR Chad "Ya Doesn't Have To Call Me Johnson" Ochocinco. I think the NFL secretly loves his antics and can't wait to see what he does next. Chad's latest stunt took place last week against Baltimore when he offered a $1 bill to a ref during a replay challenge. On Friday, he was fined $20,000 for attempting to "bribe" the official but I still think the league doesn't mind all that much. I mean, 20 large buys a lotta coffee packs, juice bottles and microwave popcorn back at Park Avenue headquarters.

Does anyone know why Raiders coach Tom Cable still has a job? I mean, first he broke an assistant coach's jaw during a training camp spat. Then he was accused by not one but two women, his first wife and a former girlfriend, of physical abuse which delighted the ladies at NOW, the National Organization for Women, so much they want Cable suspended right NOW. Meanwhile, he's 2-6 this year and 6-14 overall. QB JaMarcus Russell is a massive bust, the other players are either playing poorly or bitching about not playing poorly and the only one having a great season is the punter. And yet, Tom Cable is still not collecting unemployment. Must be nice.

Uh-oh, Cleveland, this is not good. The Cavs' ubersuperdupermegastar LeBron James says he'll switch from wearing No. 23 to No. 6 next season as a tribute to Michael Jordan. Ah, but what James doesn't say is exactly whose No. 6 he'll be wearing. LBJ is eligible for unrestricted free agency next summer and desperate teams (Hi, Knicks!) have been clearing huge swathes of cap space just for him. So next year, either every kid in Cleveland will be bugging mom for a new Cavaliers "JAMES 6" jersey or every kid in some other NBA city will be. Enjoy the rest of the year, Cleveland.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 22

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Red Sox owner John Henry got hitched a few weekends ago up in Boston. And apparently some of the guests at the wedding reception held at Fenway Park that night were given bobblehead dolls of the newlywed couple as party favors. That's right, his-and-her bride and groom bobbleheads. Suitable for what, I have no idea but I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that this was not her idea.

Bengals widemouth Chad Ochocinco (ne Johnson) says he wants to post Twitter tweets during games this season. Say no more. I'll follow you, Chad ...

#85 #chad daym we lost coin toss now i gotta sit here and wait c'mon d

#85 #chad wtf?!? they ran the kickoff back

#85 #chad oh well now they kick to us its almost ocho time lol

#85 #chad crap we fumbled kickoff they ran it in down 14-0

#85 #chad @rosenhaussports text me

#85 #chad ok we got ball its ocho time

#85 #chad glad @tjhoushmanzadeh now in seattle

#85 #chad im open

#85 #chad i said im open

#85 #chad whats this running play shiat @rosenhaussports where r u

#85 #chad they ran punt back 21-0 maybe now we'll throw lol

#85 #chad im open

#85 #chad why did @carsonpalmer throw to @laveranuescoles

#85 #chad retweet @keyshawn just give me the damn ball

#85 #chad picked off not ocho fault @carsonpalmer threw behind ocho

#85 #chad im open

#85 #chad end of first quarter 28-0

#85 #chad @rosenhaussports get ocho out of here

According to those who were there, a Xavier college player named Jordan Crawford threw one down on LeBron James during a pickup game a few days ago. And that's when the fun started cause some folks with camcorders at the gym taped the poster-worthy slam. Next thing you know Nike flipped out and somehow confiscated the tapes before anyone could upload the wonder jam to YouTube and make their client look bad. And that's where I get confused cause I coulda sworn the Orlando Magic already took care of that.

For all you Cubs fans, there's a new iPhone app out called CubbieTime. Among the app's features are a nightstand clock, an alarm clock and a feed for breaking news about the Cubs. Oh and there's one more thing ... CubbieTime also shows you the number of days that have elapsed since October 14, 1908, the last time the Cubs won the World Series. As of today, that's 36,975 days and counting. You know, I sure hope the developers used an unsigned 32-bit register to store that number cause 16 bits maxes out at 65,535 days and knowing the Cubs, that's a lock.

Followup to Ochocinco's Twitter plans ... The No Fun League quickly put the kibosh on any in-game tweeting ideas citing league policy against using handheld devices on the sidelines. To which Ocho tweeted ... and I quote ... "Question? If I tweet during the game and they suspend me, would I get paid during my suspension since it's not a legal issue?" Unquote. God, I love this guy. If you're into Twitter, you can follow him here ... http://twitter.com/OGOchoCinco. Guaranteed 100% pure comedy gold or your money back.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 13

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

The State, a local newspaper serving Columbia, SC, recently ran a slick 1/4 page ad proudly congratulating the South Carolina Gamecocks football, basketball and baseball teams for ... and I quote ... For recording at least a .500 record in all three sports in the same season. Unquote. Turns out this is the first time all three teams finished slightly north of mediocre in the same school year since USC joined the SEC back in 1992. As Hot Lips Houlihan once said to Major Burns ... "Oh, Frank, you're so above average."

Several years ago, Phil Simms uttered this immortal on-air gem about a quarterback who'd played a good game that day ... "I'm impressed. His decisions were very decisive." Move over now, Phil, and make room for new Niner corner Dre' Bly who on Monday said ... "My instincts are still very instinctive." So that's two now for Obvious Quote Bingo. Next up we'll be looking for "My habits are very habitual", "My skills are very skillful" and of course ... "My quotes are very quotable".

Florida State 37, Ohio State 6 ... Yeah, I know what you're thinking. Same here but that's not a BCS bowl game score. Hell, it's not even football. They were playing baseball. Well, at least the Noles were. I have no idea what the Poisonous Nuts were playing but the score was 8-0 after the first inning and 32-zip after five. No truth to the rumor that FSU coach Bobby Bowden sounded confused afterwards saying "That can't be my guys. It's only June. They're all out shoplifting this time of year."

How dare Danica Patrick give a hypothetical answer to a hypothetical question! When asked by Dan Patrick if she'd consider taking an unspecified performance-enhancing drug as long as it was undetectable and would help her win Indy, everybody's favorite GoDaddy pitchbabe all but conceded she would. Naturally that let loose the hounds of outrage so now Danica says it was all a joke. Maybe if she was looking for laughs, she should've asked Dan if he'd pose for the swimsuit issue if he could look as good as she does in a bathing suit. Now there's your hypothetical.

And speaking of faux outrage, do we really have to get our boxers in a bunch just because LeBron James didn't shake hands with the Magic after Orlando finished off his Cavs in Game 6? Look, sportsmanship is a wonderful thing but this wasn't the Akron All-County Middle School Tournament here. It's the NBA and James was carrying not just his whole team but the hopes of the entire greater Cleveland area. Give the man some room ... And then find him a center, another forward and a coupla guards too while we're at it.

Welcome to Empty Seat Night here at new Yankee Stadium. Prizes will be awarded to the fan with the costume that best resembles an empty bleacher seat. Wow, just look at all those costumes out there in the stands. There must be thousands of them. Boy, these fans have gone all out. I must say, their attention to detail is really impressive. The judges are going to have a hard time picking out a winner here tonight.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 11

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Cheer, cheer for old Notre Dame. Wake up the echoes, leave out some games ... That's right, college football's most famous program released its new media guide last week and under Sorry Charlie Weis's bio, there's nary a mention of any losing season the coach has ever had at any level. And that includes the disastrous 2007 season when his Irish went 3-9. Hmm, I wonder how thrilled The Lord is now that His Eighth Commandment is optional in South Bend. I dunno, maybe you shouldn't practice in the rain this year, Charlie.

Last week, an unnamed Mets fan lost her gold tooth in one of the toilets at new "BrokeBank" Citi Field in ... wait for it ... Flushing Meadows. Apparently, these new low-flo loos use powerful vacuum suction instead of just plain old gravity ... Which woulda been nice to know before she stuck her hand down there and had to be rescued. The emergency crew got her out okay but the tooth was gone. Which means now there's an alligator down in the Queens sewer system looking really fly.

A recent bodybuilding competition in Brussels had to be canceled because of a distinct lack of competition. Oh, there are plenty of muscle-bound he-men in Belgium willing to pose in Speedos and Pam spray. That's not the problem. The problem is that a doping official showed up right before the posedown began and they all took off faster than a Belgian waffle lasts on John Daly's plate. Why do they even bother testing bodybuilders? That's like testing Chris Berman for ego.

Fresh off his now infamous White House snub, Steelers LB James Harrison got some more ink last week when one of his pit bulls put his 2-year-old son in the hospital. Fortunately, the kid will be okay but Harrison will no doubt have to deal with the dog. If only there was someone he could ask for advice on how to get rid of unwanted dogs. Someone who might have some experience in this arena. I dunno, maybe another football player, one at home with some free time available. Any ideas?

Note to Cleveland fans ... It sure looks like maybe kinda sorta you were expecting the LeBrons to romp to this year's NBA title. And yeah, that really was an all-time buzzer beater LBJ hit to win Game 2 but somehow Orlando didn't get the memo. For your sake, I hope the Cavs can come back and win this thing cause the Indians are dead last in the AL and the Browns are ranked 33rd out of 32 NFL teams. Cross your fingers and pray, Cleveland, cause this could be an epic summer of fail.

A few weeks ago, those adorable Washington Nationals, our favorite screwed up baseball team, were embarrassed when two players played in jerseys wearing the misspelled word "NATINALS". Now it seems somebody forgot to run spellcheck on their Presidential bobbleheads too. Because for just $30 at concession stands, you too can now have your very own Teddy "Rossevelt" doll. Maybe the Nats should have a new motto ... Speek sotfly and carry a bigg tick.

See ya next time.