The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 46

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Hey, Tiger, how was your Thanksgiving? Yeah, I know, saw it on the tube. We all did. So have you picked out the Kobe Special you're gonna give to Elin? If you don't remember, Kobe gave Vanessa an 8-karat purple stone worth a cool $4 mill after his little Colorado misadventure a few years back. When a golfer shoots a double bogey "8" on a par 4 hole, that's a snowman, right? Yeah, I'm thinking Elin won't mind a little Frosty The Snowman riding high on her ring finger. Lucky for you, you're just in time for the Christmas shopping season. Ho-ho-ho.

As for Tiger Cheetah Woods himself, what's really surprising is why he felt the need to go off the reservation when the reservation is a blond Swedish nanny. Seriously, as a lifelong, card-carrying member of the knuckle-dragging, open-mouthed male gender, I can categorically state that the words "blond", "Swedish" and "nanny" are pretty much the Kentucky Derby, Preakness and Belmont. I'm sorry but whatever else he might've had going on ... the Santa Anita Derby, Travers and Haskell ... They're just not in the same league. Let's just hope he wasn't entered in the Breeder's Cup.

Buh-bye, Charlie Weis. See ya, Al Groh. Adios muchachos, Mark Mangino. But of all the college football coaches who are now no longer college football coaches, I think I'll miss you most of all, Diddy. Yeah, the ol' college game just won't be the same without ol' Bobby Bowden. It's been several years since his Florida State Seminoles were the holy terrors of the sport. And it's also been several years since his players were the holy terrors of the Tallahassee police station. Coincidence? I dunno but I do know this ... Nobody had a better WTF face than Diddy when his kickers went wide right.

Going out on a limb here but I don't think the New Jersey Nets, a blemished 0-17 to start the season, are gonna make the NBA playoffs. Call it a hunch.

Next time you need an example of business "synergy", that is, the interaction of different business operations whose combined effect is greater than the sum of those businesses by themselves, just consider Magic Johnson's thriving empire. Magic has long been an astute businessman but now he's bordering on just pure genius. That's because his Magic Johnson Enterprises owns well over a hundred Starbucks ... and ... about a dozen 24 Hour Fitness gyms. That's how it's done, folks. First you fatten 'em up and then you slim 'em down. Lather, rinse, repeat.

See ya next time.

(h/t to reader Dan'l Medvid for "Cheetah")

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 18

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

A Florida high school assistant football coach, who also serves as the school's Youth Crime Watch advisor, was pulled over recently and arrested for coke and weed possession. The coach was also booked for carrying a loaded handgun. Behind the wheel was the school's starting quarterback. He was charged with driving without a license. Good to see that off-season training programs are in full swing in the Sunshine State.

You know that old joke about how come they sterilize the needles used for lethal injection? Well, in that same vein (sorry, couldn't resist), how come they wear white gloves to carry the Stanley Cup out to center ice for the winner's ceremony? You know they're just gonna hand it off to a bunch of sweaty hockey players who haven't shaved in two months, right? Okay, so it's a classy move but it still seems kinda pointless. I mean, you could give Ozzie Guillen a lifetime membership in Toastmasters but you're still gonna need a 7-second delay when he rips into his team.

Egypt beat Italy, 1-0, last Thursday in a Confederations Cup match and that's the first time the Azzurri, the reigning World Cup champs, have ever lost to an African team. Reports from the afterlife indicate Mark Antony has gone into seclusion over the loss and has burned his Italia 06 Coppa del Mondo Campiones cap and the game worn No. 5 Cannavaro jersey he got on eBay. Meanwhile, aides to Cleopatra say she's been doing the "Walk Like An Egyptian" dance in their atrium while taunting him with the "Nah Nah Nah Nah, Nah Nah Nah Nah, Hey Hey Hey, Goodbye" song.

An Oakland lawyer, Alfred G Rava, filed a gender discrimination class action lawsuit against the A's because he wasn't given a free hat handed out to the first 7,500 ladies in attendance back on Mother's Day in 2004. That's right, he didn't get one of the the pink sun hats given to women in support of breast cancer research so he sued. However, last week the team settled out of court for $510,000. That's right, half a million green for one pink hat. Listen up, A's, here's how you solve this problem ... Next year, offer free mammograms. And if Rava sues to get one, give it to him.

Sometimes my local paper, the Charlotte Observer, gets a little enthusiastic in its coverage of the home team as seen in this quote from its recent review of Madden 10 ... Overall the Panthers are rated an 83 overall as a team, which leads the NFC South. Well, first off, there's the overall problem with using the word "overall" twice overall. But more importantly, there's the silly boast that the video Panthers lead their video division. I know, I know, it's just a meaningless ... Wait, what? Panthers are No. 1? Whoo hoo !!! We're No. 1, baby !!! Suck it, Saints! Boo yeah, Bucs! Forget it, Falcons! PANTHERZ ROOL !!!!!!!!!

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 13

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

The State, a local newspaper serving Columbia, SC, recently ran a slick 1/4 page ad proudly congratulating the South Carolina Gamecocks football, basketball and baseball teams for ... and I quote ... For recording at least a .500 record in all three sports in the same season. Unquote. Turns out this is the first time all three teams finished slightly north of mediocre in the same school year since USC joined the SEC back in 1992. As Hot Lips Houlihan once said to Major Burns ... "Oh, Frank, you're so above average."

Several years ago, Phil Simms uttered this immortal on-air gem about a quarterback who'd played a good game that day ... "I'm impressed. His decisions were very decisive." Move over now, Phil, and make room for new Niner corner Dre' Bly who on Monday said ... "My instincts are still very instinctive." So that's two now for Obvious Quote Bingo. Next up we'll be looking for "My habits are very habitual", "My skills are very skillful" and of course ... "My quotes are very quotable".

Florida State 37, Ohio State 6 ... Yeah, I know what you're thinking. Same here but that's not a BCS bowl game score. Hell, it's not even football. They were playing baseball. Well, at least the Noles were. I have no idea what the Poisonous Nuts were playing but the score was 8-0 after the first inning and 32-zip after five. No truth to the rumor that FSU coach Bobby Bowden sounded confused afterwards saying "That can't be my guys. It's only June. They're all out shoplifting this time of year."

How dare Danica Patrick give a hypothetical answer to a hypothetical question! When asked by Dan Patrick if she'd consider taking an unspecified performance-enhancing drug as long as it was undetectable and would help her win Indy, everybody's favorite GoDaddy pitchbabe all but conceded she would. Naturally that let loose the hounds of outrage so now Danica says it was all a joke. Maybe if she was looking for laughs, she should've asked Dan if he'd pose for the swimsuit issue if he could look as good as she does in a bathing suit. Now there's your hypothetical.

And speaking of faux outrage, do we really have to get our boxers in a bunch just because LeBron James didn't shake hands with the Magic after Orlando finished off his Cavs in Game 6? Look, sportsmanship is a wonderful thing but this wasn't the Akron All-County Middle School Tournament here. It's the NBA and James was carrying not just his whole team but the hopes of the entire greater Cleveland area. Give the man some room ... And then find him a center, another forward and a coupla guards too while we're at it.

Welcome to Empty Seat Night here at new Yankee Stadium. Prizes will be awarded to the fan with the costume that best resembles an empty bleacher seat. Wow, just look at all those costumes out there in the stands. There must be thousands of them. Boy, these fans have gone all out. I must say, their attention to detail is really impressive. The judges are going to have a hard time picking out a winner here tonight.

See ya next time.