The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 18

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

A Florida high school assistant football coach, who also serves as the school's Youth Crime Watch advisor, was pulled over recently and arrested for coke and weed possession. The coach was also booked for carrying a loaded handgun. Behind the wheel was the school's starting quarterback. He was charged with driving without a license. Good to see that off-season training programs are in full swing in the Sunshine State.

You know that old joke about how come they sterilize the needles used for lethal injection? Well, in that same vein (sorry, couldn't resist), how come they wear white gloves to carry the Stanley Cup out to center ice for the winner's ceremony? You know they're just gonna hand it off to a bunch of sweaty hockey players who haven't shaved in two months, right? Okay, so it's a classy move but it still seems kinda pointless. I mean, you could give Ozzie Guillen a lifetime membership in Toastmasters but you're still gonna need a 7-second delay when he rips into his team.

Egypt beat Italy, 1-0, last Thursday in a Confederations Cup match and that's the first time the Azzurri, the reigning World Cup champs, have ever lost to an African team. Reports from the afterlife indicate Mark Antony has gone into seclusion over the loss and has burned his Italia 06 Coppa del Mondo Campiones cap and the game worn No. 5 Cannavaro jersey he got on eBay. Meanwhile, aides to Cleopatra say she's been doing the "Walk Like An Egyptian" dance in their atrium while taunting him with the "Nah Nah Nah Nah, Nah Nah Nah Nah, Hey Hey Hey, Goodbye" song.

An Oakland lawyer, Alfred G Rava, filed a gender discrimination class action lawsuit against the A's because he wasn't given a free hat handed out to the first 7,500 ladies in attendance back on Mother's Day in 2004. That's right, he didn't get one of the the pink sun hats given to women in support of breast cancer research so he sued. However, last week the team settled out of court for $510,000. That's right, half a million green for one pink hat. Listen up, A's, here's how you solve this problem ... Next year, offer free mammograms. And if Rava sues to get one, give it to him.

Sometimes my local paper, the Charlotte Observer, gets a little enthusiastic in its coverage of the home team as seen in this quote from its recent review of Madden 10 ... Overall the Panthers are rated an 83 overall as a team, which leads the NFC South. Well, first off, there's the overall problem with using the word "overall" twice overall. But more importantly, there's the silly boast that the video Panthers lead their video division. I know, I know, it's just a meaningless ... Wait, what? Panthers are No. 1? Whoo hoo !!! We're No. 1, baby !!! Suck it, Saints! Boo yeah, Bucs! Forget it, Falcons! PANTHERZ ROOL !!!!!!!!!

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 16

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Congrats to the Pittsburgh Penguins for winning Lord Stanley's Big Jell-O Mold. The Pens are a testament to perseverance, grit, stamina, heart, pluck, nerve and the incredibly smart strategy of sucking so bad for so many years in a row ... Which got them the high picks they used to draft superduperstars Marc-Andre Fleury, Evgeni Malkin, Sidney Crosby and Jordan Staal. Just like that. Winner, winner, chicken dinner. Nicely done, Pens. Hope you're paying attention, Detroit Lions, cause this is how it's done. First you suck, then you draft. Suck then draft. Not the other way around.

Likewise, kudos to the Kobes for winning the NBA title in five games over the overmatched Orlando Magic. What a great story ... At long last, Derek Fisher finally wins a title without Shaq getting all the limelight. It's also Ring No. 10 for Laker coach Phil Jackson and that puts Celtic legend Red Auerbach's nine champeenships in second place and Boston's suicide hotline on full alert. Time now to move on to the NBA's annual summer vacation otherwise known as the WNBA. Expect Click.

Nowadays most managers hate to let a pitcher throw more than 100 pitches in a game. Pitch count is everything. It's the sine qua non of staff management. [Not really. I just wanted to use "sine qua non" in a sentence. Chicks dig the Latin.] Anyway, it got me thinking ... How come teams don't try to find ambidextrous pitchers? I mean, they could throw 200 pitches, right?

In NASCAR news ... Instead of the usual trophy, Kyle Busch was given an original, hand-painted Gibson Les Paul guitar after he won a race in Nashville last weekend. Busch then channelled his inner Pete Townshend by smashing the one-of-a-kind axe right there in victory lane. Maybe next time, NASCAR will encourage Busch to drive his car Keith Moon-style into a hotel swimming pool. Also, note to Nashville ... Next time, give him a prop.

On Thursday, an umpire at a high school baseball game in Iowa ejected the entire crowd of about 100 people for screaming and arguing with him. The whole crowd. Every last one of them. Tossed 'em right outta there. It can't be confirmed yet but eyewitnesses at the game insist that just before the ump lost his cool and threw them all out, a soft whisper could be heard saying ... If you yelled it, he will thumb.

Twenty-one years after leaving UCLA early for NFL fame and fortune, Hall of Fame QB and current FOX Sports color man Troy Aikman finished up his sociology degree and got his diploma during graduation ceremonies at the Westwood campus on Saturday. No truth to the rumor that Troy spent the rest of the day at Kinko's making copies of his resume before going to work the evening shift at Applebee's.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 12

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

A buncha guys with funny-sounding names who live in Barcelona half the year beat another buncha guys with funny-sounding names who live in Manchester half the year. The score was 2-nil and it was for something called the UEFA Champions League Cup Final which is not to be confused with the UEFA League Cup Champions Final (sponsored by the People's Front of Judea) or the UEFA Cup Champions League Final (sponsored by the Judean People's Front) neither one of which are recognized by FIFA or FAFI or AFIF or IFAF.

Same as last year, Pens-Wings for the Stanley Cup. And same as last year, both teams will play several superb, end-to-end hockey games filled with pinpoint passes, amazing shots, thrilling saves, last-second goals, white knuckle overtimes and one of the sweaty captains finally hoisting the hallowed hardware. And just like last year, it'll all be seen on Channel 206 by about a dozen hosers who still have a month of ice fishing season left, eh.

Objection! Okay, yes, NBC has the first two Stanley Cup games while the next two are on Versus or whatever obscure channel that gets lower ratings than my screensaver aquarium. {Look, it's Nemo!} But Game 1 is this Saturday and Game 2 is on Sunday marking the first time two Finals games will be played on consecutive days since 1955. Why, you ask? Because the Peacock wants no part of weeknight games on the fairly good chance they'll go into OT and interfere with ... wait for it ... Conan O'Brien's debut week on The Tonight Show. Overruled.

Are you telling me that former Memphis hoops coach John Calipari took the Kentucky job just two months before the NCAA charged Memphis with major program violations? And the NCAA will most likely vacate the Tigers 2008 Final Four appearance if found guilty? Not the same John Calipari whose UMass team had to vacate its 1996 Final Four appearance after he bolted for the New Jersey Nets? Nah, that can't be right. Coach Cal wouldn't do that.

You know I love the NFL more than any other sport but nobody and I mean nobody does hypocrisy like the National Football League. You see, Delaware recently legalized sports wagering ... Which the league hates with a passion so of course they're suing to stop it by claiming you need "skill" to bet on football. Right, as if point spreads are a new idea. No, they're not but deciding last week that teams can now sign sponsorship deals with state lotteries is. Sing it with me now ...

Hail to the Redskins
Hail lottery
Knaves on the poor path
Scratch for old DC.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 10

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

The NHL is down to four teams left for the Big Jell-O Mold ... Blackhawks vs Red Wings and Penguins vs Canes. They're all playing great hockey but I'm going with the team with that old guy with the weird European name who plays on the same line with that speedy little French-Canadian dude. You know who I'm talking about ... They got that hotshot goalie plus that big scruffy defenseman and the coach, the one who used to coach that other team. C'mon, help me out here.

This time around, HBO's popular NFL training camp series "Hard Knocks" will feature the Cincinnati Bengals. For an NFL junkie, the show's been must see TV ... Especially those painful scenes where the coach has to tell a player he's been released. Given that the Bengals will be on screen, maybe now the drama will be reversed and we'll get to see a player tell the coach he's been released, that is, on bail until his arraignment.

Once he gets going, Yankee P Joba Chamberlain is fine but he's had some pretty rough first innings lately. So before his last start, the team had him pitch a simulated "first inning" out in the bullpen where three batters just stood there while Joba threw his final warmup tosses. That way, the Yankees hope he'll just go out now and pretend like it's the second inning. And I hope it works for him because if it does, I'm asking my boss if I can simulate working for my first hour too.

Rachel Alexandra won the Preakness over fast-closing Kentucky Derby winner Mine That Bird at Pimlico on Saturday. In outrunning the boys, she became the first filly to win the race since 1924. Boy, I know women like to run late but that's ridiculous. Boy, I'm sure glad my wife doesn't read this.

On Friday, my beloved Philadelphia Phillies paid a team visit to President Barack Obama at the White House to celebrate their World Series win. Think about that for just a moment ... The sorriest pro sports team in history was honored by the first black POTUS ever. Not only that but they both clinched their astonishing victories within a week of each other last fall. Seriously, who's writing this script? And has anybody checked the space-time continuum lately?

Speaking of White House visits, the Super Bowl champ Steelers are due for their trip soon. Only problem is star LB James Harrison doesn't wanna go ... "If you want to see the Pittsburgh Steelers, invite us when we don't win the Super Bowl. As far as I'm concerned, Obama would have invited Arizona if they had won." Um, yeah, James, that's pretty much how these things work. I mean, if they just invited the teams that didn't win, the Browns might as well move to Washington to save on air fare.

Rest in peace, Wayman Tisdale.

See ya next time.