The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 40

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

With just half a mile to go in Sunday's Des Moines Marathon, Simon Sawe had a comfortable 10-second lead over fellow Kenyan David Tuwei. And then he didn't. And then the third-place runner caught up too ... All thanks to an Iowa freight train that apparently didn't get the memo. Good news is Sawe still won the race with a sprint to the finish once the train had passed. Bad news is nobody bothered to tell the runners this was just a ... wait for it ... training exercise. Ooh, rim shot!

The New Jersey Nets are offering a fun new promotion this NBA season called "Your Ticket To A Player". For just a mere $25,000, you get four courtside seats, free food and drinks plus parking for 10 home games. But that's not all ... You also get one (1) hour with the Nets player of your choice. He can come to your birthday party or an office social or even your kid's Bar Mitzvah, whatever you want. Me personally, I got some ceiling fans I need dusted plus some light bulbs to change.

In other hoops news, looks like the Detroit Shock are moving to Tulsa. Fine, whatever. But take a close look at the AP news item where this story first broke ...

The WNBA's Detroit Shock are moving to Tulsa, OK, a team official told The Associated Press. The official spoke on the condition of anonymity Monday because he was not authorized to make the announcement ...

What the hell does that mean? If you're not authorized to make the announcement, then why are you making the announcement? You see this all the time and nobody ever seems to suffer for it. You never hear later on that Team So-and-So fired Joe Schmoe because Joe leaked something he shouldn't have. And why all the secrecy? I mean, it's the WNBA where "We Got Next" apparently now applies to cities, not just games. Look, the Shock is either moving to Tulsa or it's not. When did chick hoops become a spy novel?

In a Week 16 game last year, Tennessee beat Pittsburgh to run their record to an NFL best 13-2. After the game though, several Titans celebrated by stomping on a Steeler Terrible Towel. They haven't won since and that includes last week's humiliating 59-0 skunkjob by the Patriots. In 2005, the Bengals did likewise and they tanked too. So is there a Curse of the Towel going on here? I dunno but I propose a rigorous scientific experiment ... First, rip up all the carpet in the visitor's locker room. Same goes for the walkway leading to Heinz Field. And then pull up all the turf on the opponent's sideline too. And then replace everything with towels. Hundreds and hundreds of Terrible Towels. Towels everywhere. And then let's see what happens.

Check this 12-year-old kid out. The dream of a lifetime ...



See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 20

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Cleveland Browns WR Joe Jurevicius missed all of last season after he caught a staph infection in his knee at the team's training facility. Now he's filing suit against the Browns and the doctors who performed the surgery claiming he wasn't told the team's rehab equipment is not always sanitized properly. You'd think Joe wouldn't need to be told this given he probably figured his team's facilities weren't, you know, filthy enough to spread infectious diseases but he might still lose his case ... I mean, it's gonna be tough to convince a Cleveland jury that a Browns receiver can catch anything.

Before the NHL draft last week, the Calgary Flames made a trade with the Florida Panthers. Sent to the Flames was Jay Bouwmeester who in four days would be eligible for unrestricted free agency and could then sign with any NHL team. On his way to Florida is Jordan Leopold who was also on the verge of the very same unrestricted free agency. Calgary also sent a third round pick to Florida. And somehow this trade made sense ... About as much sense as you and me trading phone numbers for Jennifer Aniston and Halle Berry with a four-day deadline to each get a date. Bottom line is even if they got no deal, it's still a better deal elsewhere.

19-year-old Joey Logano drove real fast at this past weekend's NASCAR Sprint Cup race in New Hampshire. And that made him the youngest driver ever to win a top shelf NASCAR race as well as the first teenager who drives better than his parents. Meanwhile, the T-Wolves selected Ricky Rubio, the 18-year-old Spanish Harry Potter of the Hardwood, as their newest T-Pup at last week's NBA Draft. If you add up their ages (37), they're still a combined ten years younger than Chris Chelios and 9 behind Jamie Moyer ... Who probably leaves his turn signal on the whole way home from the ballpark.

From our "It Happens Every Time" department ... Every time the US national soccer team pulls off a major upset like last week's 2-0 stunner over top-ranked Spain, soccer hopefuls renew fond dreams of their beloved sport finally achieving major league status here in the land of pig, horse, hoops and puck. But just like Bullwinkle who never gives up trying to convince Rocky ... "This time, for sure. Presto!" ... We pull a Brazil out of our hat and watch the dream go puff daddy just like all the other ones.

So what's it gonna take for soccer to finally hit the big time here? Well, here it is ... It won't take a win over an El Grande Spain or a second half collapse against a superior team like Brazil. And it won't take a "Just Happy To Be Here!" deep run during next year's World Cup. And ... breathe in deep now ... It won't take an unlikely OMG! WTF! World Cup win either. Nope, even that won't do the trick. Soccer will arrive in the US and A when we win the World Cup and then follow it up four years later with a honk trying to defend it. The minute we fire the coach for not going back-to-back is the minute soccer will become futbol here. That's just how we roll in the Five-Oh.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 13

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

The State, a local newspaper serving Columbia, SC, recently ran a slick 1/4 page ad proudly congratulating the South Carolina Gamecocks football, basketball and baseball teams for ... and I quote ... For recording at least a .500 record in all three sports in the same season. Unquote. Turns out this is the first time all three teams finished slightly north of mediocre in the same school year since USC joined the SEC back in 1992. As Hot Lips Houlihan once said to Major Burns ... "Oh, Frank, you're so above average."

Several years ago, Phil Simms uttered this immortal on-air gem about a quarterback who'd played a good game that day ... "I'm impressed. His decisions were very decisive." Move over now, Phil, and make room for new Niner corner Dre' Bly who on Monday said ... "My instincts are still very instinctive." So that's two now for Obvious Quote Bingo. Next up we'll be looking for "My habits are very habitual", "My skills are very skillful" and of course ... "My quotes are very quotable".

Florida State 37, Ohio State 6 ... Yeah, I know what you're thinking. Same here but that's not a BCS bowl game score. Hell, it's not even football. They were playing baseball. Well, at least the Noles were. I have no idea what the Poisonous Nuts were playing but the score was 8-0 after the first inning and 32-zip after five. No truth to the rumor that FSU coach Bobby Bowden sounded confused afterwards saying "That can't be my guys. It's only June. They're all out shoplifting this time of year."

How dare Danica Patrick give a hypothetical answer to a hypothetical question! When asked by Dan Patrick if she'd consider taking an unspecified performance-enhancing drug as long as it was undetectable and would help her win Indy, everybody's favorite GoDaddy pitchbabe all but conceded she would. Naturally that let loose the hounds of outrage so now Danica says it was all a joke. Maybe if she was looking for laughs, she should've asked Dan if he'd pose for the swimsuit issue if he could look as good as she does in a bathing suit. Now there's your hypothetical.

And speaking of faux outrage, do we really have to get our boxers in a bunch just because LeBron James didn't shake hands with the Magic after Orlando finished off his Cavs in Game 6? Look, sportsmanship is a wonderful thing but this wasn't the Akron All-County Middle School Tournament here. It's the NBA and James was carrying not just his whole team but the hopes of the entire greater Cleveland area. Give the man some room ... And then find him a center, another forward and a coupla guards too while we're at it.

Welcome to Empty Seat Night here at new Yankee Stadium. Prizes will be awarded to the fan with the costume that best resembles an empty bleacher seat. Wow, just look at all those costumes out there in the stands. There must be thousands of them. Boy, these fans have gone all out. I must say, their attention to detail is really impressive. The judges are going to have a hard time picking out a winner here tonight.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 6

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Derby Day is almost here. "The Fastest Two Minutes In Sports" or as we like to call it ... "The Only Two Minutes When Anybody Gets Excited About Horse Racing Anymore" ... is always a great show. From the rich ladies wearing UFO hats and Jackie O sunglasses to the bourbon-soaked infield party to the wild bump-and-grind of a 20-pack of frisky 3-year-olds going a mile and a quarter, the Kentucky Derby is grand theater bluegrass-style. Recession be damned, it's mint julep time. Anybody know how to make one ???

Just a hunch but New Orleans coach Byron Scott might want to update his resume. C'mon, it doesn't take a genius to see that Scott's lost his team. Game 4 says it all ... Nuggets 121, Hornets 63. Okay, so a 58 point loss ties the NBA record for worst ever playoff beatdown but sometimes a game gets out of hand, right ??? Try telling that to the home crowd. Yeah, that spankjob was down on the Pontchartrain. Folks, those are rollover minutes right there. Bon soir, Byron.

Man, I thought my teams were the only ones who went down hard in the playoffs. But the New Jersey Devils aren't my guys and yes, that was them with a one goal lead coughing up two late scores in a Game 7 honk to the Carolina Hurricanes at home in the swamps of Jersey. With all-time winningest goalie ever, Martin Brodeur, playing the role of collander for the Devs too. Ouch. Tough luck, guys. Time to break out your golf bags.

Are you ready to order ??? Yeah, I'll have whatever Zack Greinke is having.

Off we go into the wild blue yonder, climbing high into the ... catch fence. Yep, it's been 40 years since Talladega was built and NASCAR still can't keep cars from flying the friendly skies in that Alabama launch pad. This time it was Carl Edwards' turn to prove Bernoulli's Principle in a last lap furball that sent him airborne and seven fans to the infirmary last Sunday. Look, we know the gearheads love their "Big One" crashes and they do look "oooh" great on the tube. But someday somebody's gonna get killed. It's not the cars and it's not the drivers. And it's not the restrictor plates or the yellow line either. It's the track. Dig it up and slow it down. Git 'er done.

Here in Charlotte at this week's Quail Hollow Champeenship, Colts QB Peyton Manning teamed up with Tiger Woods in the Wednesday pro-am before the real golf got started. I like the pro-ams for two reasons ... One is it's fun to see the pros play with no pressure. Even better though is watching the ams play under real pressure not to look like, in this case, a quarterback playing golf. Apparently, Manning played just fine although Tiger had to explain to him several times that he couldn't audible his way out of that fried egg he left in the bunker on 18.

See ya next time.