The State, a local newspaper serving Columbia, SC, recently ran a slick 1/4 page ad proudly congratulating the South Carolina Gamecocks football, basketball and baseball teams for ... and I quote ... For recording at least a .500 record in all three sports in the same season. Unquote. Turns out this is the first time all three teams finished slightly north of mediocre in the same school year since USC joined the SEC back in 1992. As Hot Lips Houlihan once said to Major Burns ... "Oh, Frank, you're so above average."
Several years ago, Phil Simms uttered this immortal on-air gem about a quarterback who'd played a good game that day ... "I'm impressed. His decisions were very decisive." Move over now, Phil, and make room for new Niner corner Dre' Bly who on Monday said ... "My instincts are still very instinctive." So that's two now for Obvious Quote Bingo. Next up we'll be looking for "My habits are very habitual", "My skills are very skillful" and of course ... "My quotes are very quotable".
Florida State 37, Ohio State 6 ... Yeah, I know what you're thinking. Same here but that's not a BCS bowl game score. Hell, it's not even football. They were playing baseball. Well, at least the Noles were. I have no idea what the Poisonous Nuts were playing but the score was 8-0 after the first inning and 32-zip after five. No truth to the rumor that FSU coach Bobby Bowden sounded confused afterwards saying "That can't be my guys. It's only June. They're all out shoplifting this time of year."
How dare Danica Patrick give a hypothetical answer to a hypothetical question! When asked by Dan Patrick if she'd consider taking an unspecified performance-enhancing drug as long as it was undetectable and would help her win Indy, everybody's favorite GoDaddy pitchbabe all but conceded she would. Naturally that let loose the hounds of outrage so now Danica says it was all a joke. Maybe if she was looking for laughs, she should've asked Dan if he'd pose for the swimsuit issue if he could look as good as she does in a bathing suit. Now there's your hypothetical.
And speaking of faux outrage, do we really have to get our boxers in a bunch just because LeBron James didn't shake hands with the Magic after Orlando finished off his Cavs in Game 6? Look, sportsmanship is a wonderful thing but this wasn't the Akron All-County Middle School Tournament here. It's the NBA and James was carrying not just his whole team but the hopes of the entire greater Cleveland area. Give the man some room ... And then find him a center, another forward and a coupla guards too while we're at it.
Welcome to Empty Seat Night here at new Yankee Stadium. Prizes will be awarded to the fan with the costume that best resembles an empty bleacher seat. Wow, just look at all those costumes out there in the stands. There must be thousands of them. Boy, these fans have gone all out. I must say, their attention to detail is really impressive. The judges are going to have a hard time picking out a winner here tonight.
See ya next time.
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