The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 21

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

You know, I think the ladies are finally getting the hang of this sports thing ... Last Monday night, police had to break up an all-out brawl between two Colorado Springs girls softball teams after a batter got plunked and charged the mound. Then on Thursday night, WNBA star Diana Taurasi was pulled over for DUI in Phoenix just a few hours after the Mercury's win over Seattle. All they need to do now is start injecting truckloads of steroids, getting into shootouts at strip clubs, bankrolling dog fights and serial mothering kids in every city they visit and they'll pull even with the guys.

Check your calendar and if it's late June-early July, then it's time for Wimbledon. And that means it's time for the annual in-depth, serious journalistic effort designed to expose one of the great mysteries of modern sport ... Why do the women players grunt? I mean, it's disgusting and scandalous. They should be ashamed of themselves. Who do those hussies think they are grunting and squealing and carrying on like that? It's just not ladylike. Let's listen to it again. There, right there, listen to that. She sounds like she's, um ... Wait, play that again. There, you hear her? Again, please. One more time. Roll tape.

When the New York Mets checked into their Pittsburgh hotel last Wednesday night, they found another group already staying there. It seems the inn was also hosting the Anthrocon 2009 convention. Anthrocon is ... and I quote ... "the world's largest convention for those fascinated with anthropomorphics, which are human-like animal characteristics." In other words, furries. C'mon now, sing it with me ...

Meet the Pets

Meet the Pets

Step right up and greet the Pets

Bring your kiddies

Bring your wife

Guaranteed to have the time of your life.

Yawn. Just another routine sports weekend ... Tiger Woods won a golf tournament and Roger Federer won a tennis tournament. Been there, done that, caught the highlights. Except that Tiger nailed a clutch birdie to win his own tournament, the AT&T National, and Roger won his sixth Wimbledon to pass Pete Sampras for most career Slams. So basically this really wasn't just any old routine weekend. I mean, other than Tiger winning a golf tournament and Roger winning a tennis tournament, it wasn't.

Rest in peace, Steve McNair.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 14

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Buffalo Bills owner Ralph Wilson this week picked ESPN blowhard Chris Berman to deliver his Hall of Fame acceptance speech at Canton later this summer. Nope, not a true Bills legend like Marv Levy or Jim Kelly or Bruce Smith or Thurman Thomas. Not even the genius who invented Buffalo wings. Instead, Wilson selected the gasbag who jokingly picks his two favorite teams, Niners and Bills, to meet in the Super Bowl each year. It's your call, Ralph, but I think you Norwooded this one.

They're not called the Cincinnati Bungles for nothing, folks. Recently, an automated phone call from coach Marvin Lewis was supposed to go out to 2,500 citywide elementary school "A" Honor Roll students inviting them to an exclusive "Academic Achievement Party" at the stadium next weekend. Instead, the robocall went out to 20,000 kids including all the ones whose dogs routinely eat their homework. And so on Friday, Marvin had to send out another call to correct the mistake which in turn dashed the dreams of the 17,500 kids who had hoped to meet their fellow not-so-eggheads.

Summer Bird, half brother to Mine That Bird, was the better Horse Named Bird at the Belmont on Saturday. Meanwhile, Preakness winner Rachel Alexandra skipped the final Triple Crown race so she could rest up and ... I kid you not ... do a photo shoot for Vogue magazine. The star filly, wearing nothing but her fabulous designer shoes and some chic light leather, will be featured in the August issue of the famous fashion mag. So I guess this makes her a real clothes horse then. Sorry, couldn't resist.

More from Buffalo ... Terrell Owens is apparently having problems renting a house in his new town. Seems some of the residents of upscale Orchard Park, NY objected to TO's penchant for attracting attention and causing controversy. So naturally, Owens responded to their concerns by sending a tweet out to his 30,000 Twitter followers which got picked up by all the sports media heavies who then quickly turned it into a lead story complete with quotes from agents, realtors, neighbors and of course Owens himself. Ta da! And for his next trick, he won't complain about his new quarterback.

Speaking of Twitter, Cardinals manager Tony La Russa sued the microblogger for emotional distress after someone created a fake account in his name. Hats off to the rocket scientist who tried to impersonate the only major league manager with a law degree. Not to mention no one would ever believe La Russa could say anything in less than 140 characters. But really though, if Tony needs to sue someone for emotional distress, he should forget Twitter and go file a class action suit against his relief pitchers for impersonating a bullpen.

Yawn. Just another routine sports weekend ... Tiger Woods won a golf tournament and Roger Federer won a tennis tournament. Been there, done that, caught the highlights. Except that Tiger nailed clutch birdies on the final two holes to come from four shots down to win The Memorial and Roger finally won his first French Open to complete his career Slam and match Pete Sampras for most Slams. So basically this really wasn't just any old routine weekend. I mean, other than Tiger winning a golf tournament and Roger winning a tennis tournament, it wasn't.

See ya next time.