The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 2, Issue 1

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

With the two camps haggling over drug testing protocols, it's not looking good for the proposed March 13 superbout between Manny Pacquiao and Floyd Mayweather Jr. Now they're going to try and let a mediator work it all out but there's a much simpler solution ... I say we get these two fighters in a ring. We get 'em some gloves, a ref, three judges and a timekeeper. Twelve rounds, three minutes each. Winner wins the testing argument. There, done. Now let's get it on so we can get it on.

Ladies and gentlemen, here to present the Oscar for the Best NFL Team in a Supporting Role is last year's award winner, the Detroit Lions. And the nominees are ...

-- The Denver Broncos for starting out a 6-0 tease and finishing up 8-8,
-- The St Louis Rams for going 1-15 so they can draft yet another defensive lineman,
-- The Buffalo Bills for doing the impossible by making Terrell Owens boring,
-- The Tampa Bay Buccaneers for finally realizing it isn't 2002 any more and finally,
-- The New York Giants for playing a throwback 14-game season instead of 16.

... and the Oscar goes to ... the New York Giants. Here to accept the award is Tom Coughlin.

The NBA is currently investigating a recent locker room incident where Washington Wizards teammates Gilbert Arenas and Javaris Crittenton supposedly drew guns on each other over an in-flight card game dispute from the night before. I dunno but it shouldn't take the league long to figure out that nothing really serious happened here. I mean, everybody knows the Wizards are terrible at man-to-man defense.

For the first time anyone can remember, a local affiliate in the Redskins market decided not to televise the woeful Skins game against San Diego last Sunday and chose to show the Eagles-Cowboys NFC East title tilt instead. Said Bruce Rader, sports director at WVBT Fox 43 in Hampton Roads, VA, of his decision ... "Honestly, the Redskins are just unwatchable." Unquote. On the contrary, my dear Bruce, I find the Washington Redskins to be must see TV. Hell, I haven't seen a train wreck this compelling since "The Fugitive" when Harrison Ford's prison ride ate a mountain.

Just curious but now that the Steelers have missed the playoffs and won't be able to defend their Super Bowl title, will James Harrison be expecting an invitation to the White House?

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 39

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

A 70-year-old golfer recently lost his arm when he reached into a pond for his ball at a Beaufort, SC golf course and a 10-foot alligator attacked him. No truth to the rumor the one-armed duffer will now mentor an SNL comedian in a Bruins jersey who uses an unorthodox hockey slapshot off the tee but gets his ass kicked by an octogenarian game show host. Of course, if that doesn't work out, he could always captain an imaginary pirate ship against a motley gang of displaced orphan boys.

This is the second year in a row the Dodgers and my beloved Phillies have met in the NLCS. They also met back in 1977 and 78. Larry Bowa played shortstop for the Phils back then. I loved Larry Bowa. Larry Bowa is now the third base coach for the Dodgers. I hate Larry Bowa. Davey Lopes played second base for the Dodgers back then. I hated Davey Lopes. Davey Lopes is now the first base coach for the Phillies. I love Davey Lopes. Jerry Seinfeld is right ... We cheer for laundry.

Note to NASCAR ... When you scrapped the old Cup series points system six years ago for the new playoff-style Chase for the Championship, you said it was cause race fans were bored with the lack of suspense down the stretch. Well, Jimmie Johnson is almost a mortal lock now to win his fourth straight Chase title. Keep up the good work on the crashes and all the nitpicky rules violations. Those are still great fun but the suspense problem is still a little loose in the turns.

Good morning, Coach Jim Zorn's office, may I ask who's calling? Jim, it's Coors Light on the phone. They want to know when you'd like to audition for one of their TV commercials featuring former NFL head coaches giving mock press conferences. Um, yes, hello again, sorry to keep you waiting ... Coach Zorn says the Redskins haven't fired him yet so he doesn't know what you're talking about. Yes, I can put you on hold.

More NASCAR ... Here in Charlotte this week, the inaugural class for the new Hall of Fame was announced. Richard Petty and Dale Earnhardt were gimmes. So was Bill France Sr, the George Halas-type founding father of stock car racing. His son, Bill France Jr, also made it for his work in exploding NASCAR onto the national scene. But my favorite choice, of course, is Junior Johnson, the old legendary backroads moonshiner who ruled the early days. No matter how many California surf gods or Indiana farm boys make their way down South, racin's roots will always be whiskey, tobacky, fried chicken bones and a basket of warm hush puppies. Mmm, pups.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 34

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

How come home team fans always boo and yell "Balk!" when the opposing pitcher fakes a pickoff throw? Any time, any base, any move. If the bad guy fakes a throw, fans holler for the balk. Every time without fail. Has this ever worked? Has any paid professional umpire, in the recorded history of organized baseball, ever said to himself ... "You know what, these 35,000 fans, even the ones way up there in the cheap seats, can see this game much better than me and my fellow bluemen. They're right, that was a balk. Runners advance."

A group called Main Line Animal Rescue put an ad in the Washington Post this week offering to donate five bags of dog food to a local DC animal shelter for each time the Redskins sack Michael Vick during the Skins home game against the Iggles in October. Man, I love meaningless symbolic gestures like this. I mean, the dogs don't have a clue where dog food comes from, Vick certainly doesn't care and yet the animal lovers still have something to feel good about. Oh yeah, coming out, puppy needs a new bowl of food.

Here's a new rule Bill Maher-style ... New Rule: Stay away from any celebrity chick who changes her last name to a hard liquor. Yep, that means you, Shawne Merriman. I admit I don't know who Tila Tequila is but that name says all you need to know. I mean, if you just gotta hang with booze babes, try spending quality time with Betty Budweiser or Zoe Zinfandel instead. Those ladies typically don't get you arrested for battery and false imprisonment a week before the NFL season kicks off. Better yet, Shawne, have some Wendy Water or Paula Pepsi.

And speaking of Shawne, we need another new rule. There are too many athletes with too many different ways of spelling that name. Besides Merriman, there's gymnast Shawn Johnson, snowboarder Shaun White, hockey player Shean Donovan, Saints coach Sean Payton and an assortment of lesser known Shons, Seanns and Shaans. And then of course there's Angels 3B Chone Figgins. I'll admit when he first came up I thought it was "Chone" as in "phone" but n'uh-uh, Chone is a Sean. Or a Shaun. Or whatever.

Teenage sensation Melanie Oudin's upset run at the US Open ended in a quarterfinals loss to some Danish babe (bjabe?) but perhaps that's a good thing for the New York City hospitality industry. Seems Miss Oudin hadn't expected to make it as far as the Open's second week so her reservations at the Manhattan Marriott Marquis were for one week only. When they asked her to leave, she had to move to another hotel leaving embarrassed Marriott staffers with chicken embryos on their corporate faces. The lesson as always ... Don't count your check-ins before the match. Sorry, couldn't resist.

See ya next time.