The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 37

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Terrell Owens said last week he'd like to be an actor after his football career is over. Allright, TO, let's see what kinda chops you got ... In this scene, I wanna see anger. Let's see how mad you can get. Really angry. Okay, quiet on the set and ... Action! Okay, cut. No, that's not quite it, TO. I need rage. Let me see furious. I'll tell you what ... Pretend I'm a quarterback who won't throw you the ball. Ready and ... Action! Cut! That's it! Perfect! Okay, TO, now I wanna see surprise. This time I'll throw you a pass but you drop it. This should be easy. You won't even have to act for this one.

Lakers F Lamar Odom got married over the weekend to reality TV star Khloe Kardashian. Way to be a team player, Lamar. You're the third best Laker and you married the third hottest Kardashian. Good job.

NFL Week 3 Notes ... Washington gave Detroit another bailout. The Titans (Jets) beat the Oilers (Titans). The Colts don't seem to be missing Tony Dungy very much. The Bengals finally beat the Steelers at home, the Dolphins are on their way to an impressive worst-to-first-to-worst season, the Browns are showing more fight in their locker room than on the field and Brett Favre showed us all just one more time why he's so much more enjoyable when he just shuts up and plays.

I really like and appreciate ESPN's impressive new online venture, ESPNBoston.com, a dedicated Web portal that nicely consolidates and organizes a variety of news and information concerning the Boston sports scene. It now makes it so much easier to ignore the variety of news and information concerning the Boston sports scene.

My Phillies, the defending World Series champs, are starring in a new movie, The Year of Lidging Dangerously, as last year's hero closer Brad Lidge continues to pour diesel fuel on this year's save situations. Listen, Brad, seriously, loved what you did last year. 48 saves in 48 attempts can't be topped. But you're blowing saves in the wrong city to be blowing anything in. There's still time since the Phils look safe for a playoff spot but you still might wanna call ahead and get a quote on a moving van. And ask for a fast one. Just in case.

So here's what we know after a month of college football ... Poodle Pete's SoCal Trojans honked their title shot. So did Okie State, Penn State, Cal and Ole Miss. Defending mythical champ Florida is chomping on cupcakes but looked beatable against mouthy Tennessee. Meanwhile, Michigan's got a 19-year-old true freshman, Tate Forcier, running around making storybook quarterback plays in the Big House. Just a hunch but I'm guessing the kid won't have a problem getting a bid to pledge a U-M frat. He probably won't do too bad at the U-M sororities either.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 33

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

You know, I really can't think of a better way for ESPN eye candy Erin Andrews to put that awful hotel peephole incident behind her than an in-depth, exclusive appearance up next on Oprah. I mean, why should Erin keep her pain confined to just us sports fans when she can share the hurt with millions of Lt. General Winfrey's loyal troops, many of whom have never even heard of ESPN let alone Ms. Andrews. Clearly, this is the best way she can begin the healing process. Well, unless maybe a book deal or a movie pitch comes along. And if that doesn't work, she could just post the tape on YouTube and pray it does doesn't go viral. That'll give her closure, for sure.

Nice crackback block, Brett Favre. Did you forget the rule on illegal blocks behind the knees while you were {cough} retired? Ah, that's okay, don't worry about it. Besides, I think you're about to be reacquainted with it anyway.

Unable to find a new NFL team, famous bad boy Adam "Pacman" Jones signed a deal to play for the Winnipeg Blue Bombers of the CFL which still has ten weeks left in its season. Couple words of advice for Jones ... Get used to watching hockey. Lots and lots of hockey. Also, bacon is round up there and the national anthem is actually a pretty decent tune. The money is easy enough to figure out and Winnipeg speaks English so you're good there as well. Just be careful if you get invited to a beaver hunt. You might be disappointed if you're expecting your usual hangout.

Okay, first things first ... Every big time famous college football program violates the NCAA's silly rules on practice time limits. There's not one team out there that practices 20 hours or less per week like they're supposed to. Because if they did, they'd be an 0-12 lock and not a single NFL scout would call or write. But it takes a special program, the Michigan Wolverines, and a special coach, Rich Rodriguez, to provoke his players into self-reporting the violation. Think about that ... They hate him so much they actually complained about playing too much football. Nicely done, Coach. That's new ground.

How come surgeons who operate on athletes always say the surgery was a success? I mean, you never hear a jock doc come out of the operating room and say "Well, shoot, that didn't work. He's done." They always say everything went just fine with the patient expected to make a full recovery. Never a half recovery, always a full recovery. I swear if I ever need an operation, I'm gonna ask for a sports surgeon no matter what's wrong with me. I need my appendix removed? Fine, but I want a cutter who puts blown knees and shredded elbows back together, thanks.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 27

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

NC State football coach Tom O'Brien complained about his team's schedule at last week's ACC pre-season mediapalooza. Seems he doesn't feel his Wolfpack should have to play rival North Carolina the week before the ACC Champeenship game. O'Brien thinks the title tilt should never be a rematch from the previous week and he wants the conference to make sure it can't happen. Not to worry, Tom. I think they've already figured out you and Butch Davis are gonna do that on your own.

Also noted at the ACC press gig, all 12 coaches expect big things from their teams this year. The kids have been working really hard and they've been giving it 110% in practice. If things go well, this could be a really special year for us. But there's a lot of football left to be played and we have a tough road ahead of us. There are a lot of good teams out there and that ball, you know, it takes some funny bounces sometimes so we're just going to play 'em one game at a time and let the chips fall where they may. The good Lord willing, I think we'll be all right.

Translation: We don't have a prayer. I told the AD I needed a private jet to recruit that hotshot running back but it wasn't in the budget. Also, unless my dadgum quarterback can pass remedial wood shop, I'm gonna hafta play the freshman back there and he only knows about six plays. Meanwhile, my All-American linebacker is sweating out a paternity suit, my kicker tore his ACL in a dorm prank and we open with three road games in a row against top 10 teams. I'll be lucky if I still have this job in December.

Okay, now that we know what put the "Big" in Big Papi, can we move on now? Or do we need to go through this faucet dripping torture one agonizing, steroid-using, fallen boyhood idol at a time? I think we get it now ... As long as all that big coin kept coming in, the Lords of Baseball blissfully looked the other way while the players, who treated their butts like pin cushions, took a dump on the holy record books while we watched in naive wonder. Message received. Everyone was juiced and nobody cared. Let's move on. Um, who's pitching tonight?

Wait a minute, the ESPN X Games are 15 years old? Man, that's a helluva long time for a manufactured niche event like that. Hell, the Chinese have gymnasts younger than the X Games. No doubt I'll celebrate XG15 by skipping it like every other year but I'll tell you what I would be tempted to watch ... The Special X Games. Oh come on, you know you just giggled.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 17

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

In a move of pure strategic brilliance, the NFL Network this week hired Matt Millen to do color on the channel's Thursday Night Football package. Millen, the failed GM who did more to depress the city of Detroit than a dozen GM failures, was also hired by ESPN to cover Saturday college games and do Sunday and Monday NFL studio work ... Which pretty much means Millen will be either on a plane, at a game or behind a desk for six solid months. And thus far far away from any NFL front office. Perfect.

Okay, time for a bold prediction ... Artie Lange will not be invited to appear on HBO's new Joe Buck Live show ever again. One of Howard Stern's pals, Lange clearly knows the only way to rescue a disaster is with f-bombs, queer jokes and other show killers like lighting up a cigarette. Man, that was painful. I'm not much of a Joe Buck fan. He's another ego-soaked airbag who thinks he got there on talent instead of being Jack Buck's kid. Even so, this first show was a train wreck. Maybe the best one we've seen since Tommy Lee Jones hunted down Harrison Ford.

In a plea bargain for killing a Miami pedestrian while drunk driving back in March, Cleveland WR Dante Stallworth got 30 days in jail, two years of house arrest and eight years of probation plus he worked out a financial settlement to compensate the victim's family. Although Stallworth still has to face league discipline, the agreement was crafted so he could resume his NFL career as soon as possible. Boy, you know it's a good thing Dante didn't kill a dog. That'll get you a couple years in Leavenworth plus bankrupt you and put your football career in a deep coma. Hey, I'm not defending Michael Vick ... I'm just wondering how his dead dogs got such good lawyers.

Sigh. And so we learn Sammy Sosa was on the juice too. Quelle surprise. Look, I really don't care what these guys put into their bodies. If they wanna walk around with giant heads and tiny balls while popping zits the size of small appliances, fine, do it. I just don't like being lied to. And neither does Congress. Speaking of which, Sosa's positive test now makes Jose Canseco a perfect 3-for-3 at that now famous 2005 Congressional hearing on steroids ... Mark McGwire, Rafael Palmiero and now Sammy. Juicy, juicier, juiciest.

Bryce Harper, the 16-year-old Las Vegas baseball prodigy featured on the SI cover a few weeks ago, announced his plan to drop out of high school, take the GED and then enroll in community college so he'll be eligible for next year's MLB amateur draft. All things considered, the plan makes sense. Some people are just born to play a sport and if Harper has found a way to get paid to play baseball earlier than usual, good for him. Let's just hope Hobbs Harper doesn't sit next to Barbara Hershey on a train. And stay away from Memo Paris too. That girl's bad luck.

Rest in peace, Dusty Rhodes.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 5

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Last time out, we were feeling the love for my youngest daughter's Facebook gripe over Jake Delhomme's new contract. Now it's my oldest daughter's turn. Spawn 1, a 2007 South Carolina graduate, was volunteering at a face painting booth during the recent annual spring festival here when a local sprout stepped up and asked for a Clemson Tiger paw. Sorry, she said ... Hold on, I have to collect myself here ... Sorry, little man, she said, this brush only paints Gamecocks. Attagirl.

Well, the annual NFL Meat Market is over and every single team is furiously patting themselves on the back for their A++ draft hauls. Happens every year ... Oh, we got just the guy we wanted. We were surprised he fell this far. Our scouts had him rated much higher than where we picked him. We just wanted the best player available and that's what we got, a football player. This guy loves the game of football. We feel very lucky to have him. No question we're a better team now.

And now for the translation ... Sigh, what we really wanted was the guy taken two spots before us. The reason he fell this far is he can't bench press a flower box. The only tape our scouts had on him was the Duke game and hell, everybody looks great against them. Yeah, he loves football but his agent promised he'll start hating it real soon unless our offer improves. We're very lucky his probation officer is a season ticket holder. And our team better be better or next year we'll all be gone.

My late father was the first man I knew who devoted his entire day to tracking the NFL Draft. This was back in the early 80's when ESPN was still young and desperate. Mr Work Ethic himself actually called in sick just so he could watch every pick in every round. Have to admit, I didn't get it. I honestly thought the man had burned a few heat shields during re-entry. As it turns out, he was years ahead of his time ...

And so on Saturday at 4:00pm when the Commish took his first trip to the podium, in honor of my dad's remarkable foresight, I had the following tools lit up and running ... On the tube: ESPN, the Mother Ship. On the laptop: ESPN.com's Draft Tracker, ProFootballTalk's Live Blog and PFT's Twitter Feed. And finally on the cell phone: NFL Mobile Live. And no, I still can't figure out why the Raiders took Darrius Heyward-Bey with the No. 7 overall pick.

See ya next time.