The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 31

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Former Jints WR Plaxico Burress pleaded guilty to gun charges last week and will now spend two years in a New York state prison. His lawyer later said Burress has hired a prison coach who will ... and I quote ... "address and advise us, Mr. Burress and his family, on what to expect while incarcerated, and how to use his period of confinement as productively as possible." Ah, you coulda saved your money, Plax. Really, here's all you need to know ... First, stay away from The Sisters. Then make friends with the guy who can get you things. Next, do all the guards' tax returns. And then hang a big poster of Rita Hayworth in your cell. Easy, peasy, Japanese-y.

I'm telling you, the Dawn of the Twitter Age is going to revolutionize the sports world. Hell, it's already happening as last week Miami Heat F Michael Beasley tweeted a twitpic ... try saying that three times fast ... of his sweet new back ink. Unfortunately for him, the aforementioned photo also showed Michael's sweet bag of the kind bud on the kitchen table behind him. And so now the story is Beasley has checked into a Houston rehab facility. Let's hope they add a 13th step to his recovery program ... Put Your Weed Away Before You Tweet.

This just in from our Reinforcing Sports Stereotypes Bureau ... Pro wrestler Kurt Angle was caught and charged with possession of HGH. And suspended NASCAR driver Jeremy Mayfield, who's already twice tested positive for methamphetamines, had his estranged stepmother arrested for trespassing after she showed up hammered at his home. The same stepmom who is NASCAR's principal witness against Mayfield. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.

The Chicago Cubs were finally sold this week to the billionaire Ricketts family for a cool $900 million dollars. J Joseph Ricketts is the patriarch of the Omaha, NE family who made their fortune starting up a small investment firm that later grew into TD Ameritrade, the big online brokerage firm. I'm sure the new owners will uphold the fine tradition of family ownership of the Cubs but this deal is still a puzzler. I mean, they're rich stockbrokers, right? Aren't they supposed to know how to pick winners?

The Pokes opened up their new $1.2 billion dollar playpen last week with a pre-season game against the Titans and, wouldn't you know it, there are still a few bugs to be worked out. Like for instance, the 60-yard-long, everything-is-bigger-in-Texas video screen that apparently nobody tested to see if a punter could hit. Um, yes, they can and now Dallas owner Jerry Jones will likely be asked to spend another $2,000,000 to raise the massive board out of reach. As you can guess, Double-J hates that idea but he won't have much choice. Besides, it's not like he's never had anything lifted before ...



See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 29

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

On Wednesday night, one of those cute and cuddly Cubs bleacher fans tossed a cup of beer on Phillies CF Shane Victorino as he was making a catch near the wall. And then ... and this is just adorable ... the beerchucker pointed at someone else who was quickly whisked away by Chicago's finest. I guess now we know how Al Capone avoided arrest for so long. Anyway, after careful forensic photo analysis ... back and to the left, back and to the left, back and to the left ... the guy turned himself in to face charges. Hopefully, he'll be sentenced to watching more Cubs games.

And so Rick "Success Is A Choice But Apparently Adultery Is Not" Pitino is in a sex scandal. Extortion, abortion, distortion, whatever. It's as tawdry (and as unsurprising) as any other jock screwup. Hell, Pitino's got a great reputation for getting guys ready for the NBA. Maybe this was just another hands-on demonstration. But here's where it gets weird ... Coach Pitino had been invited to speak next month at Samford University Law School. But now that he's Coach Paternity, the school quickly ditched his speech. Which makes no sense, I mean, now he's got a legal issue to talk about, right?

More college news ... The NCAA punished yet another scalawag rogue program. This time it was that noted basketball factory, Southeast Missouri State, who felt the wrath of The Lords of Absurdity. Let's see now ... All hoops wins from 2006 through 2008. Poof. Gone baby gone because an assistant gave a player a ride to see his newborn baby. Another player got $239 to cover some unpaid admin fees. Also, three years of probee cause the coaches "observed out-of-season pickup games". Oh but that's not all ... A booster also paid the tuition for a former women's team player who needed one extra semester to get her degree. The nerve of some people.

And so The Michael Vick Experience at long last has landed in Philadelphia. I sure hope the Iggles know what they're doing. Last time they had a high profile, high maintenance, high energy guy in the locker room {cough} TO {cough}, they got off to a good start but later on it blew up like a gag cigar. One thing about Philly fans though ... If by some miracle of miracles, Michael Dwayne Vick actually helps bring home one (1) certified genuine Vince Lombardi Trophy to the COBL, he could light a box of puppies on fire in the middle of Broad Street and they'd give him a parade ... And then kick the ever living crap out of him.

Rumors are out that actress Kate Hudson wants boyfriend Alex Rodriguez to give her a little bundle of joy. Supposedly, she's even willing to pay for everything. Kate, sweetie, that's not the issue. Pay Rod's got plenty of spare coin laying around. The real problem is everybody knows the Yankee slugger is prone to pop out in the clutch. Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week. Try the veal.

Rest in peace, Eunice Kennedy Shriver. Thanks for the Special Olympics.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 22

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Red Sox owner John Henry got hitched a few weekends ago up in Boston. And apparently some of the guests at the wedding reception held at Fenway Park that night were given bobblehead dolls of the newlywed couple as party favors. That's right, his-and-her bride and groom bobbleheads. Suitable for what, I have no idea but I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that this was not her idea.

Bengals widemouth Chad Ochocinco (ne Johnson) says he wants to post Twitter tweets during games this season. Say no more. I'll follow you, Chad ...

#85 #chad daym we lost coin toss now i gotta sit here and wait c'mon d

#85 #chad wtf?!? they ran the kickoff back

#85 #chad oh well now they kick to us its almost ocho time lol

#85 #chad crap we fumbled kickoff they ran it in down 14-0

#85 #chad @rosenhaussports text me

#85 #chad ok we got ball its ocho time

#85 #chad glad @tjhoushmanzadeh now in seattle

#85 #chad im open

#85 #chad i said im open

#85 #chad whats this running play shiat @rosenhaussports where r u

#85 #chad they ran punt back 21-0 maybe now we'll throw lol

#85 #chad im open

#85 #chad why did @carsonpalmer throw to @laveranuescoles

#85 #chad retweet @keyshawn just give me the damn ball

#85 #chad picked off not ocho fault @carsonpalmer threw behind ocho

#85 #chad im open

#85 #chad end of first quarter 28-0

#85 #chad @rosenhaussports get ocho out of here

According to those who were there, a Xavier college player named Jordan Crawford threw one down on LeBron James during a pickup game a few days ago. And that's when the fun started cause some folks with camcorders at the gym taped the poster-worthy slam. Next thing you know Nike flipped out and somehow confiscated the tapes before anyone could upload the wonder jam to YouTube and make their client look bad. And that's where I get confused cause I coulda sworn the Orlando Magic already took care of that.

For all you Cubs fans, there's a new iPhone app out called CubbieTime. Among the app's features are a nightstand clock, an alarm clock and a feed for breaking news about the Cubs. Oh and there's one more thing ... CubbieTime also shows you the number of days that have elapsed since October 14, 1908, the last time the Cubs won the World Series. As of today, that's 36,975 days and counting. You know, I sure hope the developers used an unsigned 32-bit register to store that number cause 16 bits maxes out at 65,535 days and knowing the Cubs, that's a lock.

Followup to Ochocinco's Twitter plans ... The No Fun League quickly put the kibosh on any in-game tweeting ideas citing league policy against using handheld devices on the sidelines. To which Ocho tweeted ... and I quote ... "Question? If I tweet during the game and they suspend me, would I get paid during my suspension since it's not a legal issue?" Unquote. God, I love this guy. If you're into Twitter, you can follow him here ... http://twitter.com/OGOchoCinco. Guaranteed 100% pure comedy gold or your money back.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 8

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Warning: The following piece is a No Favre Zone and may not be suitable for a general audience. Especially those who hang on every twitch, breath and mere utterance of a certain former Atlanta Falcon, Green Bay Packer, New York Jet and perhaps future Minnesota Viking quarterback who is either a) bored to tears on his farm, b) loves stringing people along year after year or c) just can't seem to let those long ago and far away cheers just ... fade ... away.

Dumb is forgetting how many outs there are or swinging on a 3-0 count when the pitcher hasn't thrown a strike since last week. Really dumb is not walking Albert Pujols with first base open. Monumentally dumb, however, is failing a drug test for steroids when everyone in the entire baseball universe knows you're gonna get tested. Ladies and gentlemen, Manny Ramirez.

Gotta give it up to Manny, though. Seeing as how he tested positive for a women's fertility drug, at least the man was original. Even more remarkable is he somehow managed to push Alex Rodriguez and his never-ending little soap opera off the front page of the sports section. Man, that's hard to do. Normally, you can't get ARod off the radar scope until he disappears in the playoffs.

After 11 years in the minors and more bus rides than Ralph Kramden, infielder Bobby Scales finally made it to The Show when the Cubbies called him up this week. Good for him. Even if he only lasts a few weeks in the majors, he made it. And a few years from now, when Bobby's back in A ball and he's lazily strumming a guitar in the back seat of a bus to Winston-Salem, he'll be able to say ...

Yeah, I was in The Show. I was in The Show for 21 days once, the 21 greatest days of my life. You know, you never handle your luggage in The Show. Somebody else carries your bags. It was great. You hit white balls for batting practice, the ballparks are like cathedrals, the hotels all have room service and the women all have long legs and brains.

"Miami Dolphins partner with Buffet" ... Hey, good move, Fish. Warren Buffet is one of the smartest and richest businessmen alive today. Wait a minute, it's not Warren, it's Jimmy? The same Jimmy Buffet who "made enough money to buy Miami but pissed it away so fast"? Indeed, the son of a son of a sailor signed a naming rights deal this week with the Fins to the left, Fins to the right. And so now welcome to Landshark Stadium, named after Landshark Lager, a beer Jimmy brews. Candygram.

Rest in peace, Danny Ozark. Thanks for showing the 70's Phillies how to win but I'm still not over Black Friday. You were supposed to put Jerry Martin in left field, man.

See ya next time.

P.S. Parrothead Park woulda been so much better.