The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 46

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Hey, Tiger, how was your Thanksgiving? Yeah, I know, saw it on the tube. We all did. So have you picked out the Kobe Special you're gonna give to Elin? If you don't remember, Kobe gave Vanessa an 8-karat purple stone worth a cool $4 mill after his little Colorado misadventure a few years back. When a golfer shoots a double bogey "8" on a par 4 hole, that's a snowman, right? Yeah, I'm thinking Elin won't mind a little Frosty The Snowman riding high on her ring finger. Lucky for you, you're just in time for the Christmas shopping season. Ho-ho-ho.

As for Tiger Cheetah Woods himself, what's really surprising is why he felt the need to go off the reservation when the reservation is a blond Swedish nanny. Seriously, as a lifelong, card-carrying member of the knuckle-dragging, open-mouthed male gender, I can categorically state that the words "blond", "Swedish" and "nanny" are pretty much the Kentucky Derby, Preakness and Belmont. I'm sorry but whatever else he might've had going on ... the Santa Anita Derby, Travers and Haskell ... They're just not in the same league. Let's just hope he wasn't entered in the Breeder's Cup.

Buh-bye, Charlie Weis. See ya, Al Groh. Adios muchachos, Mark Mangino. But of all the college football coaches who are now no longer college football coaches, I think I'll miss you most of all, Diddy. Yeah, the ol' college game just won't be the same without ol' Bobby Bowden. It's been several years since his Florida State Seminoles were the holy terrors of the sport. And it's also been several years since his players were the holy terrors of the Tallahassee police station. Coincidence? I dunno but I do know this ... Nobody had a better WTF face than Diddy when his kickers went wide right.

Going out on a limb here but I don't think the New Jersey Nets, a blemished 0-17 to start the season, are gonna make the NBA playoffs. Call it a hunch.

Next time you need an example of business "synergy", that is, the interaction of different business operations whose combined effect is greater than the sum of those businesses by themselves, just consider Magic Johnson's thriving empire. Magic has long been an astute businessman but now he's bordering on just pure genius. That's because his Magic Johnson Enterprises owns well over a hundred Starbucks ... and ... about a dozen 24 Hour Fitness gyms. That's how it's done, folks. First you fatten 'em up and then you slim 'em down. Lather, rinse, repeat.

See ya next time.

(h/t to reader Dan'l Medvid for "Cheetah")

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 30

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Florida, defending mythical national champion Florida, is a 73 point favorite over Charleston Southern, a small Big South school and an afterthought even in Charleston, for their September 5th chompdown in The Swamp. Let's go to the math on this ... CharSou could give up 10 touchdowns and 10 extra points but ... but ... if they block a field goal, the Buccaneers will beat the spread. Go Bucs! Block that kick! Collect that check! {Yeah, I know, you're right, take the Gators.}

After all these years, all those trophies, all those soul-crushing, red shirt, back nine beatdowns, Tiger Woods finally coughed up a 54-hole lead in a major and lost the PGA to ... Yang Yong-eun. Not Phil, not Sergio, not Vijay, not Padraig but Y.E., the 110th ranked golfer in the world. Not only that but Yang was paired with El Tigre on Sunday and that turns most golfer's knees to shrimp and grits. And to top it all off, Y.E. took the lead on 14 with the same sort of ridiculous pitch for eagle that Woods normally destroys his foes with. Nicely done, Mr Yang. Have fun cashing that big check.

In last year's Olympic 100 meter final, Usain Bolt started celebrating early and yet still set a new world record of 9.69 seconds. Almost immediately, some folks wondered what Bolt woulda coulda shoulda run had he not eased up. Some cynics speculated he might've been saving a few 100ths just so he could collect the bonus that comes with each new record. Well, Bolt's bank account is just a little stouter now after his 9.58 at the Worlds in Berlin. The bonus isn't all that much ... just $100,000 ... but that's still $9,090.90 per chopped hundredth. Man, that's fast work.

How fast? Well, considering that NFL scouts and coaches literally drool over 40-yard dash times of 4.25 or so, Bolt's 9.58 would have stopped their watches after 3.5 seconds in the 40. Three point five in the 40. Hell, Bolt is already 6-5 and buffed. All he would need is good hands and a fly pattern and it'd be game over in the Enn Eff Ell.

Okay, here's my impression of sports media coverage over the last few days ... {inhale deep breath} ... Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Yang Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Bolt Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick ... {inhale} ... Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre ... {and exhale}.

A few photos surfaced last week showing Texas OF Josh Hamilton falling off the sobriety wagon back in January in a Tempe, AZ bar. His fall is notable, of course, because Hamilton almost squandered a serious boatload of baseball talent to drugs and swill before finding his way back through his faith and, to be fair, a really sweet left-handed power swing. It's a good story, it really is. Redemption, salvation, devotion, all the -tion's we believe make the difference. There's just one small problem here ... How come Josh looks like he's having so much fun in that bar?

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 21

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

You know, I think the ladies are finally getting the hang of this sports thing ... Last Monday night, police had to break up an all-out brawl between two Colorado Springs girls softball teams after a batter got plunked and charged the mound. Then on Thursday night, WNBA star Diana Taurasi was pulled over for DUI in Phoenix just a few hours after the Mercury's win over Seattle. All they need to do now is start injecting truckloads of steroids, getting into shootouts at strip clubs, bankrolling dog fights and serial mothering kids in every city they visit and they'll pull even with the guys.

Check your calendar and if it's late June-early July, then it's time for Wimbledon. And that means it's time for the annual in-depth, serious journalistic effort designed to expose one of the great mysteries of modern sport ... Why do the women players grunt? I mean, it's disgusting and scandalous. They should be ashamed of themselves. Who do those hussies think they are grunting and squealing and carrying on like that? It's just not ladylike. Let's listen to it again. There, right there, listen to that. She sounds like she's, um ... Wait, play that again. There, you hear her? Again, please. One more time. Roll tape.

When the New York Mets checked into their Pittsburgh hotel last Wednesday night, they found another group already staying there. It seems the inn was also hosting the Anthrocon 2009 convention. Anthrocon is ... and I quote ... "the world's largest convention for those fascinated with anthropomorphics, which are human-like animal characteristics." In other words, furries. C'mon now, sing it with me ...

Meet the Pets

Meet the Pets

Step right up and greet the Pets

Bring your kiddies

Bring your wife

Guaranteed to have the time of your life.

Yawn. Just another routine sports weekend ... Tiger Woods won a golf tournament and Roger Federer won a tennis tournament. Been there, done that, caught the highlights. Except that Tiger nailed a clutch birdie to win his own tournament, the AT&T National, and Roger won his sixth Wimbledon to pass Pete Sampras for most career Slams. So basically this really wasn't just any old routine weekend. I mean, other than Tiger winning a golf tournament and Roger winning a tennis tournament, it wasn't.

Rest in peace, Steve McNair.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 14

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Buffalo Bills owner Ralph Wilson this week picked ESPN blowhard Chris Berman to deliver his Hall of Fame acceptance speech at Canton later this summer. Nope, not a true Bills legend like Marv Levy or Jim Kelly or Bruce Smith or Thurman Thomas. Not even the genius who invented Buffalo wings. Instead, Wilson selected the gasbag who jokingly picks his two favorite teams, Niners and Bills, to meet in the Super Bowl each year. It's your call, Ralph, but I think you Norwooded this one.

They're not called the Cincinnati Bungles for nothing, folks. Recently, an automated phone call from coach Marvin Lewis was supposed to go out to 2,500 citywide elementary school "A" Honor Roll students inviting them to an exclusive "Academic Achievement Party" at the stadium next weekend. Instead, the robocall went out to 20,000 kids including all the ones whose dogs routinely eat their homework. And so on Friday, Marvin had to send out another call to correct the mistake which in turn dashed the dreams of the 17,500 kids who had hoped to meet their fellow not-so-eggheads.

Summer Bird, half brother to Mine That Bird, was the better Horse Named Bird at the Belmont on Saturday. Meanwhile, Preakness winner Rachel Alexandra skipped the final Triple Crown race so she could rest up and ... I kid you not ... do a photo shoot for Vogue magazine. The star filly, wearing nothing but her fabulous designer shoes and some chic light leather, will be featured in the August issue of the famous fashion mag. So I guess this makes her a real clothes horse then. Sorry, couldn't resist.

More from Buffalo ... Terrell Owens is apparently having problems renting a house in his new town. Seems some of the residents of upscale Orchard Park, NY objected to TO's penchant for attracting attention and causing controversy. So naturally, Owens responded to their concerns by sending a tweet out to his 30,000 Twitter followers which got picked up by all the sports media heavies who then quickly turned it into a lead story complete with quotes from agents, realtors, neighbors and of course Owens himself. Ta da! And for his next trick, he won't complain about his new quarterback.

Speaking of Twitter, Cardinals manager Tony La Russa sued the microblogger for emotional distress after someone created a fake account in his name. Hats off to the rocket scientist who tried to impersonate the only major league manager with a law degree. Not to mention no one would ever believe La Russa could say anything in less than 140 characters. But really though, if Tony needs to sue someone for emotional distress, he should forget Twitter and go file a class action suit against his relief pitchers for impersonating a bullpen.

Yawn. Just another routine sports weekend ... Tiger Woods won a golf tournament and Roger Federer won a tennis tournament. Been there, done that, caught the highlights. Except that Tiger nailed clutch birdies on the final two holes to come from four shots down to win The Memorial and Roger finally won his first French Open to complete his career Slam and match Pete Sampras for most Slams. So basically this really wasn't just any old routine weekend. I mean, other than Tiger winning a golf tournament and Roger winning a tennis tournament, it wasn't.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 6

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Derby Day is almost here. "The Fastest Two Minutes In Sports" or as we like to call it ... "The Only Two Minutes When Anybody Gets Excited About Horse Racing Anymore" ... is always a great show. From the rich ladies wearing UFO hats and Jackie O sunglasses to the bourbon-soaked infield party to the wild bump-and-grind of a 20-pack of frisky 3-year-olds going a mile and a quarter, the Kentucky Derby is grand theater bluegrass-style. Recession be damned, it's mint julep time. Anybody know how to make one ???

Just a hunch but New Orleans coach Byron Scott might want to update his resume. C'mon, it doesn't take a genius to see that Scott's lost his team. Game 4 says it all ... Nuggets 121, Hornets 63. Okay, so a 58 point loss ties the NBA record for worst ever playoff beatdown but sometimes a game gets out of hand, right ??? Try telling that to the home crowd. Yeah, that spankjob was down on the Pontchartrain. Folks, those are rollover minutes right there. Bon soir, Byron.

Man, I thought my teams were the only ones who went down hard in the playoffs. But the New Jersey Devils aren't my guys and yes, that was them with a one goal lead coughing up two late scores in a Game 7 honk to the Carolina Hurricanes at home in the swamps of Jersey. With all-time winningest goalie ever, Martin Brodeur, playing the role of collander for the Devs too. Ouch. Tough luck, guys. Time to break out your golf bags.

Are you ready to order ??? Yeah, I'll have whatever Zack Greinke is having.

Off we go into the wild blue yonder, climbing high into the ... catch fence. Yep, it's been 40 years since Talladega was built and NASCAR still can't keep cars from flying the friendly skies in that Alabama launch pad. This time it was Carl Edwards' turn to prove Bernoulli's Principle in a last lap furball that sent him airborne and seven fans to the infirmary last Sunday. Look, we know the gearheads love their "Big One" crashes and they do look "oooh" great on the tube. But someday somebody's gonna get killed. It's not the cars and it's not the drivers. And it's not the restrictor plates or the yellow line either. It's the track. Dig it up and slow it down. Git 'er done.

Here in Charlotte at this week's Quail Hollow Champeenship, Colts QB Peyton Manning teamed up with Tiger Woods in the Wednesday pro-am before the real golf got started. I like the pro-ams for two reasons ... One is it's fun to see the pros play with no pressure. Even better though is watching the ams play under real pressure not to look like, in this case, a quarterback playing golf. Apparently, Manning played just fine although Tiger had to explain to him several times that he couldn't audible his way out of that fried egg he left in the bunker on 18.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 4

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

The Washington Nationals, our favorite dysfunctional baseball team, benched and fined OF Elijah "It Was The" Dukes for arriving late to the ballpark last weekend. Grab some seat, Dukes, rules are rules, the club said. I'm sorry, did you say you were out helping kids at a local Little League field ??? As part of our community outreach program ??? Oh. Um, well, that's still no excuse, late is late. You sit. No, sit. That little old lady can cross the street all by herself.

Speaking of Little League, on Tuesday, 12-year-old Mackenzie Brown pitched a perfect game for her Bayonne, NJ team. That's right, her Little League team. Eighteen Bayonne boys up and 18 Bayonne boys down. And now the New York Mets have invited her to throw out the first pitch before Saturday's home game against the Nats. No truth to the rumor the Mets are praying Mackenzie trips on a loose baseball and breaks her arm so that her tendons heal too tight.

It's a proud day here at Noter Central. Our goal many years ago was to make sure the offspring became lifelong football fans. Mission accomplished. Youngest daughter, now 20, is using her Facebook "What's on your mind?" notice to gripe about the new 5-year contract extension our Carolina Panthers gave to QB Jake Delhomme, last seen delivering playoff picks at bulk mail rates to the Zona Cards. On the same day he signed it too. Hold on, I think there's something in my eye.

Footnote to the Elijah Dukes fine ... The Little Leaguers took up a collection and paid it for him. Kids paying the fine for a multi-millionaire baseball player. Go, Nats. Way to build that fan base, fellas.

If it's spring in Charlotte, it must be time for The Official Annual "Is Tiger Coming Or Not?" Vigil. The PGA Tour is in town next week and every year Elin's husband waits until the very last minute to announce his plans which of course gives everybody here the vapors. I swear if Great Caesar's Ghost himself showed up to play the pro-am in full toga and bite-me Oakleys, they'd still yawn if Tiger wasn't here.

Wait a minute, are those the premium seats that are mostly empty at new Yankee Stadium ??? You mean to tell me that $2,625 was too expensive for the privilege of sitting in one seat for three hours to watch one baseball game ??? I'm shocked, shocked I tell you. And the Mets over in their brand new Bailout Ballpark ... top price $495 a seat ... aren't filling theirs with Big Apple butts either. Not hard to believe, Harry.

Get well soon, Fridge.

See ya next time.

P.S. He's coming !!! Hot damn, he's gonna play. Get in the hole !!!