The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 44

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Last Sunday, as the Saints offense started to get rolling in the second half against my Panthers, former Ravens bossman Brian Billick, who was doing the color commentary, said ... "Now we're finally going to see New Orleans show us The Full Monty". Unquote. And I thought to myself ... Um, he either saw a completely different movie or I'm about to change this channel real quick.

Got an e-mail from Amazon this morning. It read ... We've noticed that customers who have purchased 2008 Philadelphia Phillies: The Official World Series Film have also purchased 2009 World Series Highlights on DVD. You can now pre-order yours at a savings of $5.00 off by following the link below ... click on Reply ... Dear Amazon, we've noticed that customers who have purchased stuff from Amazon have also purchased stuff from Borders and Barnes & Noble. You can now pre-bite me at a savings of $5.00 off by following the link below.

I have a theory about Bengals WR Chad "Ya Doesn't Have To Call Me Johnson" Ochocinco. I think the NFL secretly loves his antics and can't wait to see what he does next. Chad's latest stunt took place last week against Baltimore when he offered a $1 bill to a ref during a replay challenge. On Friday, he was fined $20,000 for attempting to "bribe" the official but I still think the league doesn't mind all that much. I mean, 20 large buys a lotta coffee packs, juice bottles and microwave popcorn back at Park Avenue headquarters.

Does anyone know why Raiders coach Tom Cable still has a job? I mean, first he broke an assistant coach's jaw during a training camp spat. Then he was accused by not one but two women, his first wife and a former girlfriend, of physical abuse which delighted the ladies at NOW, the National Organization for Women, so much they want Cable suspended right NOW. Meanwhile, he's 2-6 this year and 6-14 overall. QB JaMarcus Russell is a massive bust, the other players are either playing poorly or bitching about not playing poorly and the only one having a great season is the punter. And yet, Tom Cable is still not collecting unemployment. Must be nice.

Uh-oh, Cleveland, this is not good. The Cavs' ubersuperdupermegastar LeBron James says he'll switch from wearing No. 23 to No. 6 next season as a tribute to Michael Jordan. Ah, but what James doesn't say is exactly whose No. 6 he'll be wearing. LBJ is eligible for unrestricted free agency next summer and desperate teams (Hi, Knicks!) have been clearing huge swathes of cap space just for him. So next year, either every kid in Cleveland will be bugging mom for a new Cavaliers "JAMES 6" jersey or every kid in some other NBA city will be. Enjoy the rest of the year, Cleveland.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 36

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Most NFL teams fine players for all kinds of Mickey Mouse stuff. If you're five minutes late to a meeting or forget to wear a tie on the plane, next week's front office doughnuts are on you. Some teams though go the extra mile. After one player left his hotel room without paying for a $3 bottle of water, Cleveland Browns coach Eric Mangini fined him $1,701. He could've just deducted $3 from the player's next game check but instead Mangini carefully calculated the absolute maximum amount he could collect according to league rules. Way to build good chemistry there, coach. And way to get the league's first ever dry Gatorade bath if you ever do win a big game.

Actually, there's probably a better reason why Eric Mangini is cracking down on unpaid bottles of acqua. Seeing as how the league docked the ex-Jets coach 25 boxes of ziti for hiding Brett Favre's arm injury last year, the new Don in Cleveland must need to skim a little more vig from some of his big earners so he can make his nut and pay off New York. A fanabla.

After the double embarrassment of losing to Boise State and then suspending their star running back, the Oregon Ducks couldn't sink much lower. And now they're out $439 too. One unhappy Duck alum wrote a scathing letter to coach Chip Kelly and even included an invoice for his travel expenses up to Idaho. To which Kelly attached his personal check and sent it back. Honestly, I didn't think that would work but all right then ...

Dear Eagles, enclosed please find an invoice for eleventy three gazillion dollars to cover tickets, parking, tolls, gas, concessions and personal anguish with interest for coughing up that 23-0 lead with 8:27 to play in the 4th quarter and losing 28-23 to the Vikings at The Vet back on December 1, 1985. No, I haven't forgotten. There's no effing way Jaworski should've run that naked boot ... which he fumbled for one score ... and I still don't understand how Anthony Carter got behind the deep prevent twice for two more scores. Please make check payable to Section 719, Row 14, Seats 19-20. Thank you. P.S. Just in case you've forgotten ...

http://www.pro-football-reference.com/boxscores/198512010phi.htm

Dear New Cowboys Stadium, congratulations on setting an NFL regular season attendance record of 105,121 at your debut this past Sunday night against the Jints. We've been sitting that many college fans for decades and without 30,000 SRO's who couldn't see anything but stetsons and shoulders in every direction too. Best regards, Penn State Beaver Stadium, Michigan Stadium, Ohio State Stadium, Tennessee Neyland Stadium and Texas Longhorn Stadium.

NFL Week 2 Notes ... The J-E-T-S won Super Bowl 43 1/8th with a self-proclaimed epic regular season win over their hated rival Patriots. Tony Romo pretended the Pokes home opener was a playoff game. The Jagwires unveiled new home uniforms in front of old empty seats. Ray Lewis demonstrated just how easy it is to tackle a back when nobody blocks him. And Chad "Child, Please" Ochocinco did the Lambeau Leap right into a seething pit of Lambeau middle fingers. Straight up, yo.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 22

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Red Sox owner John Henry got hitched a few weekends ago up in Boston. And apparently some of the guests at the wedding reception held at Fenway Park that night were given bobblehead dolls of the newlywed couple as party favors. That's right, his-and-her bride and groom bobbleheads. Suitable for what, I have no idea but I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that this was not her idea.

Bengals widemouth Chad Ochocinco (ne Johnson) says he wants to post Twitter tweets during games this season. Say no more. I'll follow you, Chad ...

#85 #chad daym we lost coin toss now i gotta sit here and wait c'mon d

#85 #chad wtf?!? they ran the kickoff back

#85 #chad oh well now they kick to us its almost ocho time lol

#85 #chad crap we fumbled kickoff they ran it in down 14-0

#85 #chad @rosenhaussports text me

#85 #chad ok we got ball its ocho time

#85 #chad glad @tjhoushmanzadeh now in seattle

#85 #chad im open

#85 #chad i said im open

#85 #chad whats this running play shiat @rosenhaussports where r u

#85 #chad they ran punt back 21-0 maybe now we'll throw lol

#85 #chad im open

#85 #chad why did @carsonpalmer throw to @laveranuescoles

#85 #chad retweet @keyshawn just give me the damn ball

#85 #chad picked off not ocho fault @carsonpalmer threw behind ocho

#85 #chad im open

#85 #chad end of first quarter 28-0

#85 #chad @rosenhaussports get ocho out of here

According to those who were there, a Xavier college player named Jordan Crawford threw one down on LeBron James during a pickup game a few days ago. And that's when the fun started cause some folks with camcorders at the gym taped the poster-worthy slam. Next thing you know Nike flipped out and somehow confiscated the tapes before anyone could upload the wonder jam to YouTube and make their client look bad. And that's where I get confused cause I coulda sworn the Orlando Magic already took care of that.

For all you Cubs fans, there's a new iPhone app out called CubbieTime. Among the app's features are a nightstand clock, an alarm clock and a feed for breaking news about the Cubs. Oh and there's one more thing ... CubbieTime also shows you the number of days that have elapsed since October 14, 1908, the last time the Cubs won the World Series. As of today, that's 36,975 days and counting. You know, I sure hope the developers used an unsigned 32-bit register to store that number cause 16 bits maxes out at 65,535 days and knowing the Cubs, that's a lock.

Followup to Ochocinco's Twitter plans ... The No Fun League quickly put the kibosh on any in-game tweeting ideas citing league policy against using handheld devices on the sidelines. To which Ocho tweeted ... and I quote ... "Question? If I tweet during the game and they suspend me, would I get paid during my suspension since it's not a legal issue?" Unquote. God, I love this guy. If you're into Twitter, you can follow him here ... http://twitter.com/OGOchoCinco. Guaranteed 100% pure comedy gold or your money back.

See ya next time.