The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 37

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Terrell Owens said last week he'd like to be an actor after his football career is over. Allright, TO, let's see what kinda chops you got ... In this scene, I wanna see anger. Let's see how mad you can get. Really angry. Okay, quiet on the set and ... Action! Okay, cut. No, that's not quite it, TO. I need rage. Let me see furious. I'll tell you what ... Pretend I'm a quarterback who won't throw you the ball. Ready and ... Action! Cut! That's it! Perfect! Okay, TO, now I wanna see surprise. This time I'll throw you a pass but you drop it. This should be easy. You won't even have to act for this one.

Lakers F Lamar Odom got married over the weekend to reality TV star Khloe Kardashian. Way to be a team player, Lamar. You're the third best Laker and you married the third hottest Kardashian. Good job.

NFL Week 3 Notes ... Washington gave Detroit another bailout. The Titans (Jets) beat the Oilers (Titans). The Colts don't seem to be missing Tony Dungy very much. The Bengals finally beat the Steelers at home, the Dolphins are on their way to an impressive worst-to-first-to-worst season, the Browns are showing more fight in their locker room than on the field and Brett Favre showed us all just one more time why he's so much more enjoyable when he just shuts up and plays.

I really like and appreciate ESPN's impressive new online venture, ESPNBoston.com, a dedicated Web portal that nicely consolidates and organizes a variety of news and information concerning the Boston sports scene. It now makes it so much easier to ignore the variety of news and information concerning the Boston sports scene.

My Phillies, the defending World Series champs, are starring in a new movie, The Year of Lidging Dangerously, as last year's hero closer Brad Lidge continues to pour diesel fuel on this year's save situations. Listen, Brad, seriously, loved what you did last year. 48 saves in 48 attempts can't be topped. But you're blowing saves in the wrong city to be blowing anything in. There's still time since the Phils look safe for a playoff spot but you still might wanna call ahead and get a quote on a moving van. And ask for a fast one. Just in case.

So here's what we know after a month of college football ... Poodle Pete's SoCal Trojans honked their title shot. So did Okie State, Penn State, Cal and Ole Miss. Defending mythical champ Florida is chomping on cupcakes but looked beatable against mouthy Tennessee. Meanwhile, Michigan's got a 19-year-old true freshman, Tate Forcier, running around making storybook quarterback plays in the Big House. Just a hunch but I'm guessing the kid won't have a problem getting a bid to pledge a U-M frat. He probably won't do too bad at the U-M sororities either.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 33

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

You know, I really can't think of a better way for ESPN eye candy Erin Andrews to put that awful hotel peephole incident behind her than an in-depth, exclusive appearance up next on Oprah. I mean, why should Erin keep her pain confined to just us sports fans when she can share the hurt with millions of Lt. General Winfrey's loyal troops, many of whom have never even heard of ESPN let alone Ms. Andrews. Clearly, this is the best way she can begin the healing process. Well, unless maybe a book deal or a movie pitch comes along. And if that doesn't work, she could just post the tape on YouTube and pray it does doesn't go viral. That'll give her closure, for sure.

Nice crackback block, Brett Favre. Did you forget the rule on illegal blocks behind the knees while you were {cough} retired? Ah, that's okay, don't worry about it. Besides, I think you're about to be reacquainted with it anyway.

Unable to find a new NFL team, famous bad boy Adam "Pacman" Jones signed a deal to play for the Winnipeg Blue Bombers of the CFL which still has ten weeks left in its season. Couple words of advice for Jones ... Get used to watching hockey. Lots and lots of hockey. Also, bacon is round up there and the national anthem is actually a pretty decent tune. The money is easy enough to figure out and Winnipeg speaks English so you're good there as well. Just be careful if you get invited to a beaver hunt. You might be disappointed if you're expecting your usual hangout.

Okay, first things first ... Every big time famous college football program violates the NCAA's silly rules on practice time limits. There's not one team out there that practices 20 hours or less per week like they're supposed to. Because if they did, they'd be an 0-12 lock and not a single NFL scout would call or write. But it takes a special program, the Michigan Wolverines, and a special coach, Rich Rodriguez, to provoke his players into self-reporting the violation. Think about that ... They hate him so much they actually complained about playing too much football. Nicely done, Coach. That's new ground.

How come surgeons who operate on athletes always say the surgery was a success? I mean, you never hear a jock doc come out of the operating room and say "Well, shoot, that didn't work. He's done." They always say everything went just fine with the patient expected to make a full recovery. Never a half recovery, always a full recovery. I swear if I ever need an operation, I'm gonna ask for a sports surgeon no matter what's wrong with me. I need my appendix removed? Fine, but I want a cutter who puts blown knees and shredded elbows back together, thanks.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 30

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Florida, defending mythical national champion Florida, is a 73 point favorite over Charleston Southern, a small Big South school and an afterthought even in Charleston, for their September 5th chompdown in The Swamp. Let's go to the math on this ... CharSou could give up 10 touchdowns and 10 extra points but ... but ... if they block a field goal, the Buccaneers will beat the spread. Go Bucs! Block that kick! Collect that check! {Yeah, I know, you're right, take the Gators.}

After all these years, all those trophies, all those soul-crushing, red shirt, back nine beatdowns, Tiger Woods finally coughed up a 54-hole lead in a major and lost the PGA to ... Yang Yong-eun. Not Phil, not Sergio, not Vijay, not Padraig but Y.E., the 110th ranked golfer in the world. Not only that but Yang was paired with El Tigre on Sunday and that turns most golfer's knees to shrimp and grits. And to top it all off, Y.E. took the lead on 14 with the same sort of ridiculous pitch for eagle that Woods normally destroys his foes with. Nicely done, Mr Yang. Have fun cashing that big check.

In last year's Olympic 100 meter final, Usain Bolt started celebrating early and yet still set a new world record of 9.69 seconds. Almost immediately, some folks wondered what Bolt woulda coulda shoulda run had he not eased up. Some cynics speculated he might've been saving a few 100ths just so he could collect the bonus that comes with each new record. Well, Bolt's bank account is just a little stouter now after his 9.58 at the Worlds in Berlin. The bonus isn't all that much ... just $100,000 ... but that's still $9,090.90 per chopped hundredth. Man, that's fast work.

How fast? Well, considering that NFL scouts and coaches literally drool over 40-yard dash times of 4.25 or so, Bolt's 9.58 would have stopped their watches after 3.5 seconds in the 40. Three point five in the 40. Hell, Bolt is already 6-5 and buffed. All he would need is good hands and a fly pattern and it'd be game over in the Enn Eff Ell.

Okay, here's my impression of sports media coverage over the last few days ... {inhale deep breath} ... Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Yang Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Bolt Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick Vick ... {inhale} ... Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre ... {and exhale}.

A few photos surfaced last week showing Texas OF Josh Hamilton falling off the sobriety wagon back in January in a Tempe, AZ bar. His fall is notable, of course, because Hamilton almost squandered a serious boatload of baseball talent to drugs and swill before finding his way back through his faith and, to be fair, a really sweet left-handed power swing. It's a good story, it really is. Redemption, salvation, devotion, all the -tion's we believe make the difference. There's just one small problem here ... How come Josh looks like he's having so much fun in that bar?

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 26

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

When asked whether he thought the NFL should reinstate Michael Vick now or keep him suspended for several more games, Terrell Owens had this to say ... "I don't think it's really fair for him to be suspended four more games. It's almost like kicking a dead horse to the ground." Almost, TO, but not quite ... It's actually more like drowning, electrocuting and slamming a dead dog to the ground. Gotta keep your metaphors tight, big guy.

In the Pop Culture grid of this week's Sports Illustrated issue under the column heading "Person I'm Dying To Interview", Fish pitcher Josh Johnson replied ... "Kirby Puckett. One of my idols growing up." Ah, maybe someday you'll get that interview, Josh, but it won't be on this plane of existence as the immortal Twin got called up to The Big Ballclub In The Sky over three years ago. Pick again, Josh.

And so Brett Favre says he'll stay retired. Yeah, right, sure you will, Brett. Good one. Pull this leg and it whistles "Dixie". Look, unless we get all the way to Sunday of Week 1 at 1:00pm with no sign of Purple No. 4 anywhere, I'm not buying it. And that's cause any time any QB on any NFL team tweaks an ankle, bends an elbow, shrugs a shoulder, flexes a knee or bangs a thumb, Brett Favre's cell is gonna ring, buzz, shake or sing. I mean, at this point, even Mick Jagger and Keith Richards must be wondering why Favre won't quit.

In New York, both Putz and Wang are on the disabled list, the DL. Or in their case, the EDL. Sorry, couldn't resist.

I understand the Tour de France is a ridiculously grueling event. And we can argue all day long about what exactly these super-endurance races actually prove other than some people will somehow train themselves to do them. But here's what I can't grasp ... How in the world do you pedal for three weeks up, down and all over one of the most beautiful landscapes on the planet and all you get to see are your handlebars, your front tire and the bike shorts of the guy in front of you? As Master Yoda would say ... Sense not make this does.

All right, settle down, I think we're all here so let's take seats. I'd like to welcome you all to the Pittsburgh Pirates Mid-Summer 2009 Strategy Meeting. Item No. 1 on the agenda ... The Steelers open up training camp in just a few days. What do we do? Okay, let's see some ideas, people. Trade Adam LaRoche to the Red Sox? Didn't we send Jason Bay to them last year? Never mind, it's brilliant. I love it. Make the call. Okay, next ... Trade Jack Wilson and Freddy Sanchez? Wait, aren't they our double play combo? Whatever, I like it. Do it. Wow, I'm getting goosebumps here. You guys are on fire. What else you got?

Rest in peace, Jim Johnson. And you too, Vernon Forrest.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 15

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Ross Ohlendorf is a rookie pitcher with the Pittsburgh Pirates. Ross Ohlendorf graduated from Princeton with a combined major in math, engineering and economics. So yeah, Ross Ohlendorf is the sharpest knife in the drawer. As proof, for his senior thesis, he submitted a 126-page paper detailing the significant long-term investment return on signing bonuses given to top amateur draft picks. In 2004, Ross Ohlendorf was a 4th round pick of the Arizona Diamondbacks and signed for $280,000 which he presumably then used to pay off his Princeton student loans ... Quod erat demonstratum.

In his spare time, Saints coach Sean Payton is apparently pitching a film script to Hollywood. It's called "The Xbox Kid" and it's about a poor New Orleans boy who discovers he can control NFL games using a refurbished Xbox his grandfather gave him after a devastating hurricane. I dunno, I might hafta wait and see on this one ... I mean, unless that thing can keep Reggie Bush from running out of bounds on every play, it's not a magic Xbox.

All right, no more fooling around, this time it's for real ... Brett Favre's family has booked 30 hotel rooms in Green Bay for the Nov 1 game against Minnesota. That's it, there's our proof. Favre is definitely playing for the Vikes. No more questions. End of story. No, wait, this just in ... Brett Favre may have been seen in a Hattiesburg farmer's exchange buying seed corn. By God, that can only mean one thing ... Brett Favre is gonna raise hogs this year which means Deanna Favre will be serving ham instead of turkey for Thanksgiving which means, with no bird to carve, Brett Favre must want to protect his throwing shoulder !!! That's it, there's our proof.

The Royals lost, 4-3 in 10 innings, to the Indians in Cleveland on Thursday night. The winning run scored when a ball hit up the middle by Shin-Soo Choo struck a flock of seagulls standing in center field. Good thing he didn't hit it to right field cause that's where Tears For Fears was standing and they'd already gunned down one runner at the plate. Anyway, the runner on second, Mark DeRosa, scored the winning run. When asked afterwards about the strange play, DeRosa said: "And I ran, I ran so far away. I just ran, I ran all night and day. I couldn't get away."

Is there anything more pathetic than the NCAA punishing guilty college programs by vacating past wins? This time around it's Alabama. Actually, I think it was Alabama the time before that too. And the time before that. Regardless, here they are again. They have to forfeit 21 football wins from 2005 to 2007 because some Tide players somehow got free textbooks for their friends. No loss of future scholarships, no television ban, no post-season restrictions, nothing. Nada, zip, zilch, bupkiss. Let that be a warning to them. Next time, it'll be something really serious ... Like drawing magic marker moustaches on old photos of Bear Bryant. That'll show 'em.

So you're Cristiano Ronaldo and you're the best soccer player in the world. You're so good that Real Madrid has agreed to pay you 80 million pounds to leave Manchester United and play for them now. And you're in Los Angeles when the big news of your transfer hits the wire. Clearly, it's time to celebrate. What do you do? Do you ... a) Retire quietly with your closest friends and family for a private toast to your fame and fortune, b) Issue a thoughtful statement thanking ManU for your time spent there and wishing them well or c) Ditch your family when you notice Paris Hilton at an LA night club and then spend the night with her at her sister Nicky's house. It's good to be the king.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 8

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Warning: The following piece is a No Favre Zone and may not be suitable for a general audience. Especially those who hang on every twitch, breath and mere utterance of a certain former Atlanta Falcon, Green Bay Packer, New York Jet and perhaps future Minnesota Viking quarterback who is either a) bored to tears on his farm, b) loves stringing people along year after year or c) just can't seem to let those long ago and far away cheers just ... fade ... away.

Dumb is forgetting how many outs there are or swinging on a 3-0 count when the pitcher hasn't thrown a strike since last week. Really dumb is not walking Albert Pujols with first base open. Monumentally dumb, however, is failing a drug test for steroids when everyone in the entire baseball universe knows you're gonna get tested. Ladies and gentlemen, Manny Ramirez.

Gotta give it up to Manny, though. Seeing as how he tested positive for a women's fertility drug, at least the man was original. Even more remarkable is he somehow managed to push Alex Rodriguez and his never-ending little soap opera off the front page of the sports section. Man, that's hard to do. Normally, you can't get ARod off the radar scope until he disappears in the playoffs.

After 11 years in the minors and more bus rides than Ralph Kramden, infielder Bobby Scales finally made it to The Show when the Cubbies called him up this week. Good for him. Even if he only lasts a few weeks in the majors, he made it. And a few years from now, when Bobby's back in A ball and he's lazily strumming a guitar in the back seat of a bus to Winston-Salem, he'll be able to say ...

Yeah, I was in The Show. I was in The Show for 21 days once, the 21 greatest days of my life. You know, you never handle your luggage in The Show. Somebody else carries your bags. It was great. You hit white balls for batting practice, the ballparks are like cathedrals, the hotels all have room service and the women all have long legs and brains.

"Miami Dolphins partner with Buffet" ... Hey, good move, Fish. Warren Buffet is one of the smartest and richest businessmen alive today. Wait a minute, it's not Warren, it's Jimmy? The same Jimmy Buffet who "made enough money to buy Miami but pissed it away so fast"? Indeed, the son of a son of a sailor signed a naming rights deal this week with the Fins to the left, Fins to the right. And so now welcome to Landshark Stadium, named after Landshark Lager, a beer Jimmy brews. Candygram.

Rest in peace, Danny Ozark. Thanks for showing the 70's Phillies how to win but I'm still not over Black Friday. You were supposed to put Jerry Martin in left field, man.

See ya next time.

P.S. Parrothead Park woulda been so much better.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 7

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Oh no, here we go again ... The Annual Brett Favre Un-Re-Un-Re-Retirement Rumorfest Circus Maximus and Amalgamated Media Feeding Frenzy might be (is) back. A year ago, Jet Favre was a fun novelty act but down the stretch his poor play got Jets coach Eric Mangini whacked. This time around the Vikes are the hot whisper. All I can say to Brad Childress is be careful, coach. Your seat is hot enough already and he's not the Holy Grail anymore. Choose wisely, Brad.

A 51-1 longshot, Mine That Bird, won the Kentucky Derby on Saturday. Man, that was a sweet ride by jockey Calvin Borel. The spectacular overhead blimp shots showed Borel steering MTB along the rail until they busted out and just flew home. And as The Bird crossed the finish line with the win, for just a brief second or two, I swear you could hear the sound of 150,000 betting slips being torn up.

Because of the new swine flu outbreak, soccer games in Mexico are still being played but the gates are locked and fans aren't allowed in. Pro soccer games in front of empty stands? Well then, I guess that's one more thing we've exported to Mexico.

Hold the phones, I think we have a winner ... Or at least an early front runner for Dumbest New Made-Up Sports Word of the Year. Bolts LB Shawne Merriman, unplugged last season by a knee injury, is stirring up his anger to recharge his "Lights Out" act so that everybody will know he's back. And to all his doubters, Shawne's got just this to say ... "My footballhood has been questioned. That is worse than questioning someone's manhood." Great, glad we got that settled. My bloghood thanks you.

Speaking of rumors, another good one that won't go away is the notion of playing a future Super Bowl in London. London, England, the UK, Great Britain, that is. You know, it's really not that bad an idea. I mean, seriously, would you rather see the Supe go back to Jacksonville? But if the big game does go to London, we will need some guarantees ... They can't make both teams wear all white, no strawberries and cream in the press box and above all, no curtsies to the Ye Olde Royal Luxury Suite. And we get to pick the halftime act too. So you can tell Oasis not to even bother.

Rest in peace, Jack Kemp.

See ya next time.