The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 13

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

The State, a local newspaper serving Columbia, SC, recently ran a slick 1/4 page ad proudly congratulating the South Carolina Gamecocks football, basketball and baseball teams for ... and I quote ... For recording at least a .500 record in all three sports in the same season. Unquote. Turns out this is the first time all three teams finished slightly north of mediocre in the same school year since USC joined the SEC back in 1992. As Hot Lips Houlihan once said to Major Burns ... "Oh, Frank, you're so above average."

Several years ago, Phil Simms uttered this immortal on-air gem about a quarterback who'd played a good game that day ... "I'm impressed. His decisions were very decisive." Move over now, Phil, and make room for new Niner corner Dre' Bly who on Monday said ... "My instincts are still very instinctive." So that's two now for Obvious Quote Bingo. Next up we'll be looking for "My habits are very habitual", "My skills are very skillful" and of course ... "My quotes are very quotable".

Florida State 37, Ohio State 6 ... Yeah, I know what you're thinking. Same here but that's not a BCS bowl game score. Hell, it's not even football. They were playing baseball. Well, at least the Noles were. I have no idea what the Poisonous Nuts were playing but the score was 8-0 after the first inning and 32-zip after five. No truth to the rumor that FSU coach Bobby Bowden sounded confused afterwards saying "That can't be my guys. It's only June. They're all out shoplifting this time of year."

How dare Danica Patrick give a hypothetical answer to a hypothetical question! When asked by Dan Patrick if she'd consider taking an unspecified performance-enhancing drug as long as it was undetectable and would help her win Indy, everybody's favorite GoDaddy pitchbabe all but conceded she would. Naturally that let loose the hounds of outrage so now Danica says it was all a joke. Maybe if she was looking for laughs, she should've asked Dan if he'd pose for the swimsuit issue if he could look as good as she does in a bathing suit. Now there's your hypothetical.

And speaking of faux outrage, do we really have to get our boxers in a bunch just because LeBron James didn't shake hands with the Magic after Orlando finished off his Cavs in Game 6? Look, sportsmanship is a wonderful thing but this wasn't the Akron All-County Middle School Tournament here. It's the NBA and James was carrying not just his whole team but the hopes of the entire greater Cleveland area. Give the man some room ... And then find him a center, another forward and a coupla guards too while we're at it.

Welcome to Empty Seat Night here at new Yankee Stadium. Prizes will be awarded to the fan with the costume that best resembles an empty bleacher seat. Wow, just look at all those costumes out there in the stands. There must be thousands of them. Boy, these fans have gone all out. I must say, their attention to detail is really impressive. The judges are going to have a hard time picking out a winner here tonight.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 4

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

The Washington Nationals, our favorite dysfunctional baseball team, benched and fined OF Elijah "It Was The" Dukes for arriving late to the ballpark last weekend. Grab some seat, Dukes, rules are rules, the club said. I'm sorry, did you say you were out helping kids at a local Little League field ??? As part of our community outreach program ??? Oh. Um, well, that's still no excuse, late is late. You sit. No, sit. That little old lady can cross the street all by herself.

Speaking of Little League, on Tuesday, 12-year-old Mackenzie Brown pitched a perfect game for her Bayonne, NJ team. That's right, her Little League team. Eighteen Bayonne boys up and 18 Bayonne boys down. And now the New York Mets have invited her to throw out the first pitch before Saturday's home game against the Nats. No truth to the rumor the Mets are praying Mackenzie trips on a loose baseball and breaks her arm so that her tendons heal too tight.

It's a proud day here at Noter Central. Our goal many years ago was to make sure the offspring became lifelong football fans. Mission accomplished. Youngest daughter, now 20, is using her Facebook "What's on your mind?" notice to gripe about the new 5-year contract extension our Carolina Panthers gave to QB Jake Delhomme, last seen delivering playoff picks at bulk mail rates to the Zona Cards. On the same day he signed it too. Hold on, I think there's something in my eye.

Footnote to the Elijah Dukes fine ... The Little Leaguers took up a collection and paid it for him. Kids paying the fine for a multi-millionaire baseball player. Go, Nats. Way to build that fan base, fellas.

If it's spring in Charlotte, it must be time for The Official Annual "Is Tiger Coming Or Not?" Vigil. The PGA Tour is in town next week and every year Elin's husband waits until the very last minute to announce his plans which of course gives everybody here the vapors. I swear if Great Caesar's Ghost himself showed up to play the pro-am in full toga and bite-me Oakleys, they'd still yawn if Tiger wasn't here.

Wait a minute, are those the premium seats that are mostly empty at new Yankee Stadium ??? You mean to tell me that $2,625 was too expensive for the privilege of sitting in one seat for three hours to watch one baseball game ??? I'm shocked, shocked I tell you. And the Mets over in their brand new Bailout Ballpark ... top price $495 a seat ... aren't filling theirs with Big Apple butts either. Not hard to believe, Harry.

Get well soon, Fridge.

See ya next time.

P.S. He's coming !!! Hot damn, he's gonna play. Get in the hole !!!

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 3

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

I think it's fair to say Carl Pavano's career with the Yankees wasn't exactly confetti and champagne. Not after he got paid $38 million to win just 9 games over 4 seasons. Yeah, you do that and you'll be the poster boy for overspending and underachieving in the Bronx. And they won't fugeddaboudit either. Pavano is in Cleveland now but he was back in New York to help open new Yankee Stadium where the scoreboard now provides closed captioning for the hearing impaired. "[Crowd boos]" it said as Pavano was announced. Yep, it works. Cross that one off the punchlist.

Speaking of The House That $1.5 Billion Bought, apparently the Bombers didn't get the memo about how you're really not supposed to lose 22-4 in just the third game ever played in your new palace. But that'll happen when you let one little, two little, 14 little Indians score in the 2nd, the most runs scored against any Yankee team in any one inning in any park ever. Ok, so now we know the new scoreboard can handle double-digit innings too. Cross that one off the punchlist.

On Thursday, the Celtics announced that star C Kevin Garnett's knee injury might make him miss the NBA playoffs and perhaps doom the club's title repeat hopes. Later that day, GM Danny Ainge was hospitalized after suffering a mild heart attack. On Saturday, Boston lost Game 1, 105-103, in OT against Chicago. Note to Mass Gen doctors and staff ... Please don't let Danny read the paper or watch the tube. And you might wanna disable the thumbwheels in his Crackberry too.

Looks like the NFL got the word about messing with Yom Kippur as the Jets game scheduled for 4:15pm that day was moved up to 1:00pm and so now should end before the High Holy Day begins at sundown. No truth to the rumor that Pharoah Goodell changed the game time under pressure from a guy in a red robe yelling something about a booming voice in a burning bush. If it were true though, maybe the Jets should go back and ask the bush to help them with their draft.

Nothing says April baseball quite like Toronto, Kansas City, Seattle and Florida in first place. Sure, it's way too early to draw any conclusions except in Washington where the "NATINALS" are 1-10 and look like 2-9 would have been a miracle. And no, that's not a typo. On Friday, Ryan Zimmerman and Adam Dunn both wore jerseys that failed spell check. The missing "O" might've been metaphorically accurate but the Nats' bats really haven't been that bad. Instead, it's mostly been a Rocky Horror Pitcher Show. They just can't get anybody out. Not even Brad and Janet.

Is it me or does the buzz on the upcoming NFL Draft seem a little flat this year ??? Maybe it's the lack of any true top shelf college talent or maybe it's a backlash against the bailout-sized contracts the big picks are gonna get but I'm just not feeling it yet. I know Mel Kiper's been feeling it but that doesn't count cause he gets paid to feel it. [That's what she said.] So I think what I'm gonna do is this ... And it's simple really ... Let's just wait and see what Detroit does with the No. 1 pick. The Lions usually deliver draft day giggles so this one could be epic.

See ya next time.