The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 37

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Terrell Owens said last week he'd like to be an actor after his football career is over. Allright, TO, let's see what kinda chops you got ... In this scene, I wanna see anger. Let's see how mad you can get. Really angry. Okay, quiet on the set and ... Action! Okay, cut. No, that's not quite it, TO. I need rage. Let me see furious. I'll tell you what ... Pretend I'm a quarterback who won't throw you the ball. Ready and ... Action! Cut! That's it! Perfect! Okay, TO, now I wanna see surprise. This time I'll throw you a pass but you drop it. This should be easy. You won't even have to act for this one.

Lakers F Lamar Odom got married over the weekend to reality TV star Khloe Kardashian. Way to be a team player, Lamar. You're the third best Laker and you married the third hottest Kardashian. Good job.

NFL Week 3 Notes ... Washington gave Detroit another bailout. The Titans (Jets) beat the Oilers (Titans). The Colts don't seem to be missing Tony Dungy very much. The Bengals finally beat the Steelers at home, the Dolphins are on their way to an impressive worst-to-first-to-worst season, the Browns are showing more fight in their locker room than on the field and Brett Favre showed us all just one more time why he's so much more enjoyable when he just shuts up and plays.

I really like and appreciate ESPN's impressive new online venture, ESPNBoston.com, a dedicated Web portal that nicely consolidates and organizes a variety of news and information concerning the Boston sports scene. It now makes it so much easier to ignore the variety of news and information concerning the Boston sports scene.

My Phillies, the defending World Series champs, are starring in a new movie, The Year of Lidging Dangerously, as last year's hero closer Brad Lidge continues to pour diesel fuel on this year's save situations. Listen, Brad, seriously, loved what you did last year. 48 saves in 48 attempts can't be topped. But you're blowing saves in the wrong city to be blowing anything in. There's still time since the Phils look safe for a playoff spot but you still might wanna call ahead and get a quote on a moving van. And ask for a fast one. Just in case.

So here's what we know after a month of college football ... Poodle Pete's SoCal Trojans honked their title shot. So did Okie State, Penn State, Cal and Ole Miss. Defending mythical champ Florida is chomping on cupcakes but looked beatable against mouthy Tennessee. Meanwhile, Michigan's got a 19-year-old true freshman, Tate Forcier, running around making storybook quarterback plays in the Big House. Just a hunch but I'm guessing the kid won't have a problem getting a bid to pledge a U-M frat. He probably won't do too bad at the U-M sororities either.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 26

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

When asked whether he thought the NFL should reinstate Michael Vick now or keep him suspended for several more games, Terrell Owens had this to say ... "I don't think it's really fair for him to be suspended four more games. It's almost like kicking a dead horse to the ground." Almost, TO, but not quite ... It's actually more like drowning, electrocuting and slamming a dead dog to the ground. Gotta keep your metaphors tight, big guy.

In the Pop Culture grid of this week's Sports Illustrated issue under the column heading "Person I'm Dying To Interview", Fish pitcher Josh Johnson replied ... "Kirby Puckett. One of my idols growing up." Ah, maybe someday you'll get that interview, Josh, but it won't be on this plane of existence as the immortal Twin got called up to The Big Ballclub In The Sky over three years ago. Pick again, Josh.

And so Brett Favre says he'll stay retired. Yeah, right, sure you will, Brett. Good one. Pull this leg and it whistles "Dixie". Look, unless we get all the way to Sunday of Week 1 at 1:00pm with no sign of Purple No. 4 anywhere, I'm not buying it. And that's cause any time any QB on any NFL team tweaks an ankle, bends an elbow, shrugs a shoulder, flexes a knee or bangs a thumb, Brett Favre's cell is gonna ring, buzz, shake or sing. I mean, at this point, even Mick Jagger and Keith Richards must be wondering why Favre won't quit.

In New York, both Putz and Wang are on the disabled list, the DL. Or in their case, the EDL. Sorry, couldn't resist.

I understand the Tour de France is a ridiculously grueling event. And we can argue all day long about what exactly these super-endurance races actually prove other than some people will somehow train themselves to do them. But here's what I can't grasp ... How in the world do you pedal for three weeks up, down and all over one of the most beautiful landscapes on the planet and all you get to see are your handlebars, your front tire and the bike shorts of the guy in front of you? As Master Yoda would say ... Sense not make this does.

All right, settle down, I think we're all here so let's take seats. I'd like to welcome you all to the Pittsburgh Pirates Mid-Summer 2009 Strategy Meeting. Item No. 1 on the agenda ... The Steelers open up training camp in just a few days. What do we do? Okay, let's see some ideas, people. Trade Adam LaRoche to the Red Sox? Didn't we send Jason Bay to them last year? Never mind, it's brilliant. I love it. Make the call. Okay, next ... Trade Jack Wilson and Freddy Sanchez? Wait, aren't they our double play combo? Whatever, I like it. Do it. Wow, I'm getting goosebumps here. You guys are on fire. What else you got?

Rest in peace, Jim Johnson. And you too, Vernon Forrest.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 24

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas but apparently not in Lake Tahoe as a woman from there who thought she had a friend in Ben (like Ben) Roethlisberger filed a civil lawsuit accusing the Steeler QB of sexual assault stemming from a hotel visit last summer. No criminal charges have been filed so it might be tough to win a case with no witnesses and no corroborating evidence. Even so, Ben's lawyer is probably looking for an alibi of some sort ... I dunno, maybe Ben was off hiking the Appalachian Trail. I hear that's a popular summer pastime.

I didn't think it was possible but the Enn Eff Ell might have finally come close to a saturation point. Ordinarily, I'll soak up anything the Kingdom of Goodell has to offer. Anything. In fact, just say the letters "N-F-L" and I'm there. But last week, the league announced that all 65 upcoming (and utterly useless) pre-season games will be broadcast in HD on the NFL Network. For the love of Lombardi, why? I mean, this only makes any sense if the CIA needs a new "enhanced interrogation" technique to replace waterboarding and Britney Spears albums.

71 holes and 8 feet ... That's how close 59-year-old Tom Watson came to winning the British Open in what would have been the most astonishing result in pro golf history. But young Tom always had problems with the yips and AARP Tom evidently still has them. His 8-footer would have been good from 7 feet and that was that as Stewart Cink then crushed him in a 4-hole playoff for the win. Still, it's a shame he didn't drain the putt cause next year's champions dinner menu of Salisbury steak, creamed corn, stewed prunes and tapioca pudding would have been epic.

Speaking of epic, Terrell Owens has a new reality TV show on VH-1. T.O. says he wants to do the show so he can prove he's not the one-dimensional, high maintenance, self-obsessed, cartoon character everyone says he is. And what better way to do exactly that than a prime time television show called ... wait for it ... "The T.O. Show" ... No doubt starring Terrell "T.O." Owens as Terrell "T.O." Owens. With special guest appearance by Terrell "T.O." Owens. Good luck, T.O. Break a leg.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 14

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Buffalo Bills owner Ralph Wilson this week picked ESPN blowhard Chris Berman to deliver his Hall of Fame acceptance speech at Canton later this summer. Nope, not a true Bills legend like Marv Levy or Jim Kelly or Bruce Smith or Thurman Thomas. Not even the genius who invented Buffalo wings. Instead, Wilson selected the gasbag who jokingly picks his two favorite teams, Niners and Bills, to meet in the Super Bowl each year. It's your call, Ralph, but I think you Norwooded this one.

They're not called the Cincinnati Bungles for nothing, folks. Recently, an automated phone call from coach Marvin Lewis was supposed to go out to 2,500 citywide elementary school "A" Honor Roll students inviting them to an exclusive "Academic Achievement Party" at the stadium next weekend. Instead, the robocall went out to 20,000 kids including all the ones whose dogs routinely eat their homework. And so on Friday, Marvin had to send out another call to correct the mistake which in turn dashed the dreams of the 17,500 kids who had hoped to meet their fellow not-so-eggheads.

Summer Bird, half brother to Mine That Bird, was the better Horse Named Bird at the Belmont on Saturday. Meanwhile, Preakness winner Rachel Alexandra skipped the final Triple Crown race so she could rest up and ... I kid you not ... do a photo shoot for Vogue magazine. The star filly, wearing nothing but her fabulous designer shoes and some chic light leather, will be featured in the August issue of the famous fashion mag. So I guess this makes her a real clothes horse then. Sorry, couldn't resist.

More from Buffalo ... Terrell Owens is apparently having problems renting a house in his new town. Seems some of the residents of upscale Orchard Park, NY objected to TO's penchant for attracting attention and causing controversy. So naturally, Owens responded to their concerns by sending a tweet out to his 30,000 Twitter followers which got picked up by all the sports media heavies who then quickly turned it into a lead story complete with quotes from agents, realtors, neighbors and of course Owens himself. Ta da! And for his next trick, he won't complain about his new quarterback.

Speaking of Twitter, Cardinals manager Tony La Russa sued the microblogger for emotional distress after someone created a fake account in his name. Hats off to the rocket scientist who tried to impersonate the only major league manager with a law degree. Not to mention no one would ever believe La Russa could say anything in less than 140 characters. But really though, if Tony needs to sue someone for emotional distress, he should forget Twitter and go file a class action suit against his relief pitchers for impersonating a bullpen.

Yawn. Just another routine sports weekend ... Tiger Woods won a golf tournament and Roger Federer won a tennis tournament. Been there, done that, caught the highlights. Except that Tiger nailed clutch birdies on the final two holes to come from four shots down to win The Memorial and Roger finally won his first French Open to complete his career Slam and match Pete Sampras for most Slams. So basically this really wasn't just any old routine weekend. I mean, other than Tiger winning a golf tournament and Roger winning a tennis tournament, it wasn't.

See ya next time.