The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 47

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Two days after Vikings star RB Adrian Peterson was pulled over for going 109 in a 55, teammate Bernard Berrian was stopped and ticketed for doing 104 in a 60. Say whatever you want about the Vikes but that's great team speed right there. No truth to the rumor Brett Favre was also pulled over but he was doing 35 in a 60 while weaving from lane to lane with his turn signal on.

The 2010 World Cup draw was announced this week and we got ourselves a 1776 rematch in Group C. It's Redcoats vs Bluecoats all over again. Cornwallis vs Washington. Chips against Fries. Colour vs Color. Beatles and Elvis. Mirren-Streep. Left lane-Right lane. £ vs $. "God Save The Queen" up against "My Country, 'Tis of Thee". Beckham-Donovan. Crown against Colonies. Brits against Yanks. Bring it, England.

Bath time is a special time between you and your newborn. When the two of you are bonding, there's no room for tears. That's why Johnson's together with the NCAA and the Florida Gators are pleased to announce ... Tim Tebow's No More Tears baby shampoo. Just wet your little quarterback's hair and gently apply a small dab of shampoo. Lather, rinse and enjoy this special moment together. Keep out of reach of children. Do not use if BCS title hopes are broken.

And speaking of tears, Allen Iverson got a little verklempt at a presser announcing his return to the Sixers last week. Which is odd cause most players shed happy tears when they finally get out of Philadelphia, not back to it. Meanwhile, in other Association news, Ron Artest admitted he used to take sips of Hennessey at halftime when he was with Chicago ... Hey, at least he drank the good stuff ... And commish David Stern said he could envision a woman playing in the NBA before long. So there you have it ... Wine, women and a (redemption) song.

One of these years, the NFL is really gonna hafta get over Janet Jackson's infamous boob flash and get back to scheduling relevant acts for Super Bowl halftime shows. Look, I love The Who. They were *the* party band of my college years. But that was 30 years ago and now they're just Roger Daltrey and Pete Townshend with a backup band. Hell, I'm worried Pete's gonna throw his shoulder out any time he tries his patented windmill move. Clearly, the league doesn't wanna take any more chances but somebody needs to hack into Roger Goodell's iTunes and download him some new bands. Preferably those who aren't collecting Social Security yet.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 25

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Well, here we are two years later and Michael "Pooch Punt" Vick is finally free. His sentence for dog fighting crimes has been served in full so now he's free to rejoin society as a changed man. And what better place to celebrate your first night of freedom than a Virginia Beach strip club with your friend, Allen Iverson. Now to be fair, Vick's lawyer denies the story but even if he was there, I'm sure AI will try to convince Mike it didn't count. I mean, it was just a practice stripper, man. Not a real stripper. Not a real stripper. We talkin' about practice, man. Practice.

Last time out, we wondered if the NFL isn't pushing its massive appeal too far by drowning us in too many pre-season telecasts. Now I'm convinced the league is tempting fate with this week's announcement that the 2010 NFL Draft will stretch from two to three days and ... get this ... The first two rounds will be on Thursday night during prime time. This is cause for concern on several levels. One is there's already too much dead air filled with too many talking bubbleheads as it is. Hell, I wouldn't wish three days of Chris Berman on my worst enemy. Okay, okay, you're right. Yes, I would. Anyway, my biggest concern is there's no way I'll get the remote during "Grey's Anatomy". NFW, NFL.

Wait, hold on. Stop everything. Major controversy. One SEC head football coach somehow inexplicably did not anoint Florida's Tim Tebow as his pre-season choice for first team, all-conference QB and somehow this slight became Breaking News. Fortunately, crack detectives solved the mystery by, um, using the phone to call each school's coach. Steve Spurrier later admitted it was just an oversight and not an insult. Meanwhile, Tebow had already moved on to other important issues like declaring to the hungry press corps that he's still a virgin. Sigh, I give up.

Judging by fan reaction to Manny Ramirez's so-far triumphant return from a 50-game juicy juice sitdown, it's now clearer than ever that if you can perform your chosen athletic specialty .... which in Manny's case means swinging a rounded wooden stick at a small thrown sphere ... well enough that thousands of people are willing to spend their time and some heavy coin to see you do it, well, then you can probably get away with anything short of cannibalism and still thrive in your sport. It's not right and it's not wrong. It just is.

And so it was that Manny strode to the plate on Wednesday night to pinch hit in a tie game with the sacks loaded. Whereupon he blasted a first pitch grand slam into his very own MANNYWOOD section ... And as The Wood Man circled the bases, Dodger Stadium erupted with the wild cheers of delirious LA fans who no doubt were all texting their agents angling for the book and movie rights before Manny had even rounded third. And yeah, maybe I should be cynical about all this but I'd rather dwell on the positive ... You see, my fantasy team traded for Ramirez while he was out and we really needed that 1-1, HR, R, 4 RBI, 1.000 OBP. You da manny, Manny.

During a match this week in LA, a testy David "Footie Spice" Beckham challenged a few hecklers in the stands to come down and settle their mutual misunderstanding on the pitch. When they didn't, Cap'n Bend It tried to climb up there himself but was restrained by several security guards. The MLS league office naturally wasn't too happy with his people skills so they fined him $1000. You know, I think Becks is finally starting to get the hang of this place.

See ya next time.