The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 39

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

A 70-year-old golfer recently lost his arm when he reached into a pond for his ball at a Beaufort, SC golf course and a 10-foot alligator attacked him. No truth to the rumor the one-armed duffer will now mentor an SNL comedian in a Bruins jersey who uses an unorthodox hockey slapshot off the tee but gets his ass kicked by an octogenarian game show host. Of course, if that doesn't work out, he could always captain an imaginary pirate ship against a motley gang of displaced orphan boys.

This is the second year in a row the Dodgers and my beloved Phillies have met in the NLCS. They also met back in 1977 and 78. Larry Bowa played shortstop for the Phils back then. I loved Larry Bowa. Larry Bowa is now the third base coach for the Dodgers. I hate Larry Bowa. Davey Lopes played second base for the Dodgers back then. I hated Davey Lopes. Davey Lopes is now the first base coach for the Phillies. I love Davey Lopes. Jerry Seinfeld is right ... We cheer for laundry.

Note to NASCAR ... When you scrapped the old Cup series points system six years ago for the new playoff-style Chase for the Championship, you said it was cause race fans were bored with the lack of suspense down the stretch. Well, Jimmie Johnson is almost a mortal lock now to win his fourth straight Chase title. Keep up the good work on the crashes and all the nitpicky rules violations. Those are still great fun but the suspense problem is still a little loose in the turns.

Good morning, Coach Jim Zorn's office, may I ask who's calling? Jim, it's Coors Light on the phone. They want to know when you'd like to audition for one of their TV commercials featuring former NFL head coaches giving mock press conferences. Um, yes, hello again, sorry to keep you waiting ... Coach Zorn says the Redskins haven't fired him yet so he doesn't know what you're talking about. Yes, I can put you on hold.

More NASCAR ... Here in Charlotte this week, the inaugural class for the new Hall of Fame was announced. Richard Petty and Dale Earnhardt were gimmes. So was Bill France Sr, the George Halas-type founding father of stock car racing. His son, Bill France Jr, also made it for his work in exploding NASCAR onto the national scene. But my favorite choice, of course, is Junior Johnson, the old legendary backroads moonshiner who ruled the early days. No matter how many California surf gods or Indiana farm boys make their way down South, racin's roots will always be whiskey, tobacky, fried chicken bones and a basket of warm hush puppies. Mmm, pups.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 32

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Hats off to Christie Rampone, player-coach and captain of Sky Blue FC, the first champion of the brand new Women's Professional Soccer League. Rampone, who also captains the US national team, led her squad to upset playoff wins over the league's top three teams all on the road and all in just eight days. But when the champagne corks were popped and her giddy teammates noticed she wasn't getting all bubbly with them, that's when Christie had to let them in on her real news. Yep, you got it ... Mrs Rampone is 11 weeks pregnant. Minivan or no minivan, that's a soccer mom.

Michael Vick's line from the Eagles pre-season game against Jacksonville ... Six plays, 4 passes for 19 yards, 1 run for 1 yard. Donovan McNabb's line ... "Putting him in and taking me out disrupts the flow of the offense and hurts our rhythm." Yeah, this is gonna go well.

Carowinds, an amusement park here in Charlotte, announced this week a new roller coaster ride set to debut next summer. Say hello to The Intimidator, a 232-foot-high monster with a top speed of 80 mph. The thrill ride is named after the late great NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Sr and features seven steep drops, one for each of Earnhardt's Winston Cup championships. What they didn't say is they also send out the black No. 3 car right after yours to ride your sorry ass and bump you off the ride if you don't move over and let him pass. Hey, rubbin' is racin'.

No truth to the rumor that Carowinds is also planning a Dale Earnhardt Jr roller coaster that'll be the most popular ride in the entire park but will have no steep drops plus it'll develop engine trouble and whine about its stepmother.

Boy, it's nice to see Isiah Thomas back and causing problems again. Last seen turning the New York Knicks into a bad sitcom, Thomas is now head coach at little Florida International. Seems he thought his Golden Panthers were all set to play Ohio State in the season-opening Coaches vs Cancer Tournament. Thomas even said his team welcomed the tough challenge. Not so fast there, Zeke. Turns out FIU is playing defending champ North Carolina instead so now Isiah is miffed and threatening to stay home. So in other words, when it's for a worthwhile cause, it's okay to get your ass kicked but it's not okay to get it thoroughly abused. Got it, thanks.

Back in May, the Denver Nuggets had a scheduling conflict with the WWE. Game 4 of the Western Conference finals at home against the Lakers was scheduled for the same night as Monday Night Raw. But after a bit of his usual bluster, Vince McMahon packed up and left town. Winner: Nuggets. The Atlanta Dream is a WNBA team looking for its first playoff berth. But they too have a scheduling problem as Sesame Street Live! is booked at Phillips Arena just as the playoffs begin. Guess who has to move this time? That's right, ladies, you do not bump the Muppets. Winner: Elmo.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 20

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Cleveland Browns WR Joe Jurevicius missed all of last season after he caught a staph infection in his knee at the team's training facility. Now he's filing suit against the Browns and the doctors who performed the surgery claiming he wasn't told the team's rehab equipment is not always sanitized properly. You'd think Joe wouldn't need to be told this given he probably figured his team's facilities weren't, you know, filthy enough to spread infectious diseases but he might still lose his case ... I mean, it's gonna be tough to convince a Cleveland jury that a Browns receiver can catch anything.

Before the NHL draft last week, the Calgary Flames made a trade with the Florida Panthers. Sent to the Flames was Jay Bouwmeester who in four days would be eligible for unrestricted free agency and could then sign with any NHL team. On his way to Florida is Jordan Leopold who was also on the verge of the very same unrestricted free agency. Calgary also sent a third round pick to Florida. And somehow this trade made sense ... About as much sense as you and me trading phone numbers for Jennifer Aniston and Halle Berry with a four-day deadline to each get a date. Bottom line is even if they got no deal, it's still a better deal elsewhere.

19-year-old Joey Logano drove real fast at this past weekend's NASCAR Sprint Cup race in New Hampshire. And that made him the youngest driver ever to win a top shelf NASCAR race as well as the first teenager who drives better than his parents. Meanwhile, the T-Wolves selected Ricky Rubio, the 18-year-old Spanish Harry Potter of the Hardwood, as their newest T-Pup at last week's NBA Draft. If you add up their ages (37), they're still a combined ten years younger than Chris Chelios and 9 behind Jamie Moyer ... Who probably leaves his turn signal on the whole way home from the ballpark.

From our "It Happens Every Time" department ... Every time the US national soccer team pulls off a major upset like last week's 2-0 stunner over top-ranked Spain, soccer hopefuls renew fond dreams of their beloved sport finally achieving major league status here in the land of pig, horse, hoops and puck. But just like Bullwinkle who never gives up trying to convince Rocky ... "This time, for sure. Presto!" ... We pull a Brazil out of our hat and watch the dream go puff daddy just like all the other ones.

So what's it gonna take for soccer to finally hit the big time here? Well, here it is ... It won't take a win over an El Grande Spain or a second half collapse against a superior team like Brazil. And it won't take a "Just Happy To Be Here!" deep run during next year's World Cup. And ... breathe in deep now ... It won't take an unlikely OMG! WTF! World Cup win either. Nope, even that won't do the trick. Soccer will arrive in the US and A when we win the World Cup and then follow it up four years later with a honk trying to defend it. The minute we fire the coach for not going back-to-back is the minute soccer will become futbol here. That's just how we roll in the Five-Oh.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 16

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Congrats to the Pittsburgh Penguins for winning Lord Stanley's Big Jell-O Mold. The Pens are a testament to perseverance, grit, stamina, heart, pluck, nerve and the incredibly smart strategy of sucking so bad for so many years in a row ... Which got them the high picks they used to draft superduperstars Marc-Andre Fleury, Evgeni Malkin, Sidney Crosby and Jordan Staal. Just like that. Winner, winner, chicken dinner. Nicely done, Pens. Hope you're paying attention, Detroit Lions, cause this is how it's done. First you suck, then you draft. Suck then draft. Not the other way around.

Likewise, kudos to the Kobes for winning the NBA title in five games over the overmatched Orlando Magic. What a great story ... At long last, Derek Fisher finally wins a title without Shaq getting all the limelight. It's also Ring No. 10 for Laker coach Phil Jackson and that puts Celtic legend Red Auerbach's nine champeenships in second place and Boston's suicide hotline on full alert. Time now to move on to the NBA's annual summer vacation otherwise known as the WNBA. Expect Click.

Nowadays most managers hate to let a pitcher throw more than 100 pitches in a game. Pitch count is everything. It's the sine qua non of staff management. [Not really. I just wanted to use "sine qua non" in a sentence. Chicks dig the Latin.] Anyway, it got me thinking ... How come teams don't try to find ambidextrous pitchers? I mean, they could throw 200 pitches, right?

In NASCAR news ... Instead of the usual trophy, Kyle Busch was given an original, hand-painted Gibson Les Paul guitar after he won a race in Nashville last weekend. Busch then channelled his inner Pete Townshend by smashing the one-of-a-kind axe right there in victory lane. Maybe next time, NASCAR will encourage Busch to drive his car Keith Moon-style into a hotel swimming pool. Also, note to Nashville ... Next time, give him a prop.

On Thursday, an umpire at a high school baseball game in Iowa ejected the entire crowd of about 100 people for screaming and arguing with him. The whole crowd. Every last one of them. Tossed 'em right outta there. It can't be confirmed yet but eyewitnesses at the game insist that just before the ump lost his cool and threw them all out, a soft whisper could be heard saying ... If you yelled it, he will thumb.

Twenty-one years after leaving UCLA early for NFL fame and fortune, Hall of Fame QB and current FOX Sports color man Troy Aikman finished up his sociology degree and got his diploma during graduation ceremonies at the Westwood campus on Saturday. No truth to the rumor that Troy spent the rest of the day at Kinko's making copies of his resume before going to work the evening shift at Applebee's.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 6

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Derby Day is almost here. "The Fastest Two Minutes In Sports" or as we like to call it ... "The Only Two Minutes When Anybody Gets Excited About Horse Racing Anymore" ... is always a great show. From the rich ladies wearing UFO hats and Jackie O sunglasses to the bourbon-soaked infield party to the wild bump-and-grind of a 20-pack of frisky 3-year-olds going a mile and a quarter, the Kentucky Derby is grand theater bluegrass-style. Recession be damned, it's mint julep time. Anybody know how to make one ???

Just a hunch but New Orleans coach Byron Scott might want to update his resume. C'mon, it doesn't take a genius to see that Scott's lost his team. Game 4 says it all ... Nuggets 121, Hornets 63. Okay, so a 58 point loss ties the NBA record for worst ever playoff beatdown but sometimes a game gets out of hand, right ??? Try telling that to the home crowd. Yeah, that spankjob was down on the Pontchartrain. Folks, those are rollover minutes right there. Bon soir, Byron.

Man, I thought my teams were the only ones who went down hard in the playoffs. But the New Jersey Devils aren't my guys and yes, that was them with a one goal lead coughing up two late scores in a Game 7 honk to the Carolina Hurricanes at home in the swamps of Jersey. With all-time winningest goalie ever, Martin Brodeur, playing the role of collander for the Devs too. Ouch. Tough luck, guys. Time to break out your golf bags.

Are you ready to order ??? Yeah, I'll have whatever Zack Greinke is having.

Off we go into the wild blue yonder, climbing high into the ... catch fence. Yep, it's been 40 years since Talladega was built and NASCAR still can't keep cars from flying the friendly skies in that Alabama launch pad. This time it was Carl Edwards' turn to prove Bernoulli's Principle in a last lap furball that sent him airborne and seven fans to the infirmary last Sunday. Look, we know the gearheads love their "Big One" crashes and they do look "oooh" great on the tube. But someday somebody's gonna get killed. It's not the cars and it's not the drivers. And it's not the restrictor plates or the yellow line either. It's the track. Dig it up and slow it down. Git 'er done.

Here in Charlotte at this week's Quail Hollow Champeenship, Colts QB Peyton Manning teamed up with Tiger Woods in the Wednesday pro-am before the real golf got started. I like the pro-ams for two reasons ... One is it's fun to see the pros play with no pressure. Even better though is watching the ams play under real pressure not to look like, in this case, a quarterback playing golf. Apparently, Manning played just fine although Tiger had to explain to him several times that he couldn't audible his way out of that fried egg he left in the bunker on 18.

See ya next time.