The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 2, Issue 2

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

One day many years ago, when my youngest sister was in grade school and doing her homework, she asked me how to spell the word "pneumonia".

Me: Oh, that's easy ... "p-n-e-u-" ...
Her: No, no, that can't be right. Don't tease me.
Me: But that really is how you spell "pneumonia" ... "p-n-e-u-" ...
Her: I don't believe you. No word starts with "p-n-e-u-". I'm gonna go get my dictionary.
Me: Go right ahead ......
Me: Well?
Her: I can't believe it. That doesn't make any sense at all. Who came up with that crazy idea?

Ladies and gentlemen, the New Orleans Saints are Super Bowl champions ... "p-n-e-u-"

Dear NFL, please I'm begging you. Enough with the geriatric halftime shows. Any act eligible for an AARP card should be ineligible for the Super Bowl. Look, I love The Who. They were the party band back in their glory days but that was 30+ years ago. It's time to get some younger bands out there. Hell, I'd rather watch an 'N Sync reunion over another geezer show. Oh wait, bad example. I forgot Justin Timberlake is on the bad boy list.

Daddy? Yes, Peyton, what is it, son? All the kids at school talk about you, Daddy. They say Archie Manning will never win a Super Bowl for the Saints. Gee, Peyton, the Saints are pretty bad right now so I guess it ain't looking too good for us. Well, when I grow up, I'm going to make it to the Super Bowl, Daddy. And when I'm there, I'm going to throw the pass that wins it for the Saints. I'm sure you will, son. Now go outside and play because Daddy has to go over this week's game plan against the Colts.

Super Bowl commercials were a mixed bag as usual. I loved the little kid who protected his mama and his salty, fatty corn chips. The Snickers spot ... more junk food ... with Betty White and Abe Vigoda was good too. And although the CareerBuilder ad featuring casual Fridays in underwear was funny, I'm not sure they realize people will do pretty much anything to keep their jobs these days. Hell, they'd probably watch The Who all over again ... In their underwear.

Boy, isn't it amazing what a great coach ol' Roy Williams is when his Tar Heel roster is all full of next year's shiny happy NBA draft picks? Almost as amazing as how sucky he is when it isn't. Welcome to the low rent district, coach. Say it loud, say it proud ... N-I-T.

The Vancouver Winter Olympics begin this weekend and, as usual, there are several compelling stories sandwiched in between breathless figure skating hysteria. Lindsey Vonn was on the verge of being the superstar skier no one will remember in two weeks. But because of a painful shin bruise, now she might be the superstar skier no one ever heard of. In other Lindsey news, Lindsey Jacobellis is back for another try at snowboard cross. Let's hope she leaves her hot dog moves back at the Village this time. Let the drug tests begin.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 2, Issue 1

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

With the two camps haggling over drug testing protocols, it's not looking good for the proposed March 13 superbout between Manny Pacquiao and Floyd Mayweather Jr. Now they're going to try and let a mediator work it all out but there's a much simpler solution ... I say we get these two fighters in a ring. We get 'em some gloves, a ref, three judges and a timekeeper. Twelve rounds, three minutes each. Winner wins the testing argument. There, done. Now let's get it on so we can get it on.

Ladies and gentlemen, here to present the Oscar for the Best NFL Team in a Supporting Role is last year's award winner, the Detroit Lions. And the nominees are ...

-- The Denver Broncos for starting out a 6-0 tease and finishing up 8-8,
-- The St Louis Rams for going 1-15 so they can draft yet another defensive lineman,
-- The Buffalo Bills for doing the impossible by making Terrell Owens boring,
-- The Tampa Bay Buccaneers for finally realizing it isn't 2002 any more and finally,
-- The New York Giants for playing a throwback 14-game season instead of 16.

... and the Oscar goes to ... the New York Giants. Here to accept the award is Tom Coughlin.

The NBA is currently investigating a recent locker room incident where Washington Wizards teammates Gilbert Arenas and Javaris Crittenton supposedly drew guns on each other over an in-flight card game dispute from the night before. I dunno but it shouldn't take the league long to figure out that nothing really serious happened here. I mean, everybody knows the Wizards are terrible at man-to-man defense.

For the first time anyone can remember, a local affiliate in the Redskins market decided not to televise the woeful Skins game against San Diego last Sunday and chose to show the Eagles-Cowboys NFC East title tilt instead. Said Bruce Rader, sports director at WVBT Fox 43 in Hampton Roads, VA, of his decision ... "Honestly, the Redskins are just unwatchable." Unquote. On the contrary, my dear Bruce, I find the Washington Redskins to be must see TV. Hell, I haven't seen a train wreck this compelling since "The Fugitive" when Harrison Ford's prison ride ate a mountain.

Just curious but now that the Steelers have missed the playoffs and won't be able to defend their Super Bowl title, will James Harrison be expecting an invitation to the White House?

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 47

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Two days after Vikings star RB Adrian Peterson was pulled over for going 109 in a 55, teammate Bernard Berrian was stopped and ticketed for doing 104 in a 60. Say whatever you want about the Vikes but that's great team speed right there. No truth to the rumor Brett Favre was also pulled over but he was doing 35 in a 60 while weaving from lane to lane with his turn signal on.

The 2010 World Cup draw was announced this week and we got ourselves a 1776 rematch in Group C. It's Redcoats vs Bluecoats all over again. Cornwallis vs Washington. Chips against Fries. Colour vs Color. Beatles and Elvis. Mirren-Streep. Left lane-Right lane. £ vs $. "God Save The Queen" up against "My Country, 'Tis of Thee". Beckham-Donovan. Crown against Colonies. Brits against Yanks. Bring it, England.

Bath time is a special time between you and your newborn. When the two of you are bonding, there's no room for tears. That's why Johnson's together with the NCAA and the Florida Gators are pleased to announce ... Tim Tebow's No More Tears baby shampoo. Just wet your little quarterback's hair and gently apply a small dab of shampoo. Lather, rinse and enjoy this special moment together. Keep out of reach of children. Do not use if BCS title hopes are broken.

And speaking of tears, Allen Iverson got a little verklempt at a presser announcing his return to the Sixers last week. Which is odd cause most players shed happy tears when they finally get out of Philadelphia, not back to it. Meanwhile, in other Association news, Ron Artest admitted he used to take sips of Hennessey at halftime when he was with Chicago ... Hey, at least he drank the good stuff ... And commish David Stern said he could envision a woman playing in the NBA before long. So there you have it ... Wine, women and a (redemption) song.

One of these years, the NFL is really gonna hafta get over Janet Jackson's infamous boob flash and get back to scheduling relevant acts for Super Bowl halftime shows. Look, I love The Who. They were *the* party band of my college years. But that was 30 years ago and now they're just Roger Daltrey and Pete Townshend with a backup band. Hell, I'm worried Pete's gonna throw his shoulder out any time he tries his patented windmill move. Clearly, the league doesn't wanna take any more chances but somebody needs to hack into Roger Goodell's iTunes and download him some new bands. Preferably those who aren't collecting Social Security yet.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 46

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Hey, Tiger, how was your Thanksgiving? Yeah, I know, saw it on the tube. We all did. So have you picked out the Kobe Special you're gonna give to Elin? If you don't remember, Kobe gave Vanessa an 8-karat purple stone worth a cool $4 mill after his little Colorado misadventure a few years back. When a golfer shoots a double bogey "8" on a par 4 hole, that's a snowman, right? Yeah, I'm thinking Elin won't mind a little Frosty The Snowman riding high on her ring finger. Lucky for you, you're just in time for the Christmas shopping season. Ho-ho-ho.

As for Tiger Cheetah Woods himself, what's really surprising is why he felt the need to go off the reservation when the reservation is a blond Swedish nanny. Seriously, as a lifelong, card-carrying member of the knuckle-dragging, open-mouthed male gender, I can categorically state that the words "blond", "Swedish" and "nanny" are pretty much the Kentucky Derby, Preakness and Belmont. I'm sorry but whatever else he might've had going on ... the Santa Anita Derby, Travers and Haskell ... They're just not in the same league. Let's just hope he wasn't entered in the Breeder's Cup.

Buh-bye, Charlie Weis. See ya, Al Groh. Adios muchachos, Mark Mangino. But of all the college football coaches who are now no longer college football coaches, I think I'll miss you most of all, Diddy. Yeah, the ol' college game just won't be the same without ol' Bobby Bowden. It's been several years since his Florida State Seminoles were the holy terrors of the sport. And it's also been several years since his players were the holy terrors of the Tallahassee police station. Coincidence? I dunno but I do know this ... Nobody had a better WTF face than Diddy when his kickers went wide right.

Going out on a limb here but I don't think the New Jersey Nets, a blemished 0-17 to start the season, are gonna make the NBA playoffs. Call it a hunch.

Next time you need an example of business "synergy", that is, the interaction of different business operations whose combined effect is greater than the sum of those businesses by themselves, just consider Magic Johnson's thriving empire. Magic has long been an astute businessman but now he's bordering on just pure genius. That's because his Magic Johnson Enterprises owns well over a hundred Starbucks ... and ... about a dozen 24 Hour Fitness gyms. That's how it's done, folks. First you fatten 'em up and then you slim 'em down. Lather, rinse, repeat.

See ya next time.

(h/t to reader Dan'l Medvid for "Cheetah")

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 45

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

All right, I'll admit it, I have no idea who Manny Pacquiao is. Hell, I had never heard of Miguel Cotto either. It would seem though that Mr Pacquiao picked a bad time to be born because the good old days of boxing are just that. We used to be on a last name-only basis with the best fighters ... Ali, Frazier, Foreman, Leonard, Duran, Hagler, Hearns and so on. And then I guess around Mike Tyson's time, we switched back to first and last names ... Evander Holyfield, Lennox Lewis, Oscar de la Hoya ... I mean, even Foreman was George Foreman when he made his grill-selling comeback. We need last name boxers again. And ones that don't require spell check would be nice too.

Did you see the handball that French football star Thierry Henry used to rob hose bone beat Ireland in last week's World Cup qualifier? Wow, now we know where the baseball umps get their training. Anyway, Henry's bogus play is now being called "Hand of God II" ... Note: In French, that would be "Le Hand of God II" ... in reference to Diego Maradona's legendary original handjob that led Argentina over England in the 86 World Cup. You know, you gotta hand it (groan) to soccer for coming up with much better names for their all-time plays. No one ever lays down the Bunt of Doom or shoots the Free Throw of Agony or scores on the 65 Toss Power Trap of Peril. And maybe they should.

According to SI's most recent "Sign of the Apocalypse" note, a Japanese lingerie company is selling a new bra that unrolls to form a 5-foot putting mat. Personally, I prefer the 6-foot model although any length is fine provided it's got good cup size. No truth to the rumor though that Kevin Costner is now in talks with the company to reprise his Roy McAvoy role in a sequel called ... wait for it ... "Tin Cups".

I'm probably gonna regret this but of all the so-called minor sports, nothing in my opinion is more pointless than women's college basketball. All college sports have their own self-fulfilling recruiting imbalances ... The best football players always choose one of the big heavies like Florida, Texas, Southern Cal, Ohio State and so on. Likewise, the best lacrosse players go to Hopkins, Syracuse, Virginia and a few others. But if you're on a chick hoops team other than UConn or maybe Tennessee, you might as well be on the Washington Generals. And you better get used to hearing "Sweet Georgia Brown" play while you're at it.

Rest in peace, Abe Pollin.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 44

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Last Sunday, as the Saints offense started to get rolling in the second half against my Panthers, former Ravens bossman Brian Billick, who was doing the color commentary, said ... "Now we're finally going to see New Orleans show us The Full Monty". Unquote. And I thought to myself ... Um, he either saw a completely different movie or I'm about to change this channel real quick.

Got an e-mail from Amazon this morning. It read ... We've noticed that customers who have purchased 2008 Philadelphia Phillies: The Official World Series Film have also purchased 2009 World Series Highlights on DVD. You can now pre-order yours at a savings of $5.00 off by following the link below ... click on Reply ... Dear Amazon, we've noticed that customers who have purchased stuff from Amazon have also purchased stuff from Borders and Barnes & Noble. You can now pre-bite me at a savings of $5.00 off by following the link below.

I have a theory about Bengals WR Chad "Ya Doesn't Have To Call Me Johnson" Ochocinco. I think the NFL secretly loves his antics and can't wait to see what he does next. Chad's latest stunt took place last week against Baltimore when he offered a $1 bill to a ref during a replay challenge. On Friday, he was fined $20,000 for attempting to "bribe" the official but I still think the league doesn't mind all that much. I mean, 20 large buys a lotta coffee packs, juice bottles and microwave popcorn back at Park Avenue headquarters.

Does anyone know why Raiders coach Tom Cable still has a job? I mean, first he broke an assistant coach's jaw during a training camp spat. Then he was accused by not one but two women, his first wife and a former girlfriend, of physical abuse which delighted the ladies at NOW, the National Organization for Women, so much they want Cable suspended right NOW. Meanwhile, he's 2-6 this year and 6-14 overall. QB JaMarcus Russell is a massive bust, the other players are either playing poorly or bitching about not playing poorly and the only one having a great season is the punter. And yet, Tom Cable is still not collecting unemployment. Must be nice.

Uh-oh, Cleveland, this is not good. The Cavs' ubersuperdupermegastar LeBron James says he'll switch from wearing No. 23 to No. 6 next season as a tribute to Michael Jordan. Ah, but what James doesn't say is exactly whose No. 6 he'll be wearing. LBJ is eligible for unrestricted free agency next summer and desperate teams (Hi, Knicks!) have been clearing huge swathes of cap space just for him. So next year, either every kid in Cleveland will be bugging mom for a new Cavaliers "JAMES 6" jersey or every kid in some other NBA city will be. Enjoy the rest of the year, Cleveland.

See ya next time.

The Sports Noter, Version 4, Volume 1, Issue 43

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports ...

Hats off to the New York Yankees for their ... What was it? Oh yeah ... their 27th World Series title. They deserved it. They beat my beloved Phillies fair and square. I just have one small little gripe though. I really don't mind the whole $ thing. The Yankees have more coin than God and they spend it. Good for them. But please, can we stop with all the drama about their guts and glory and overcoming adversity and nobody believed in us and such? There are no Rudy's in the New York dugout. When you're supposed to win a world champeenship, it's just a job well done. Well done.

Speaking of Rudy, let's do a little comparison shopping, shall we? Notre Dame, Stanford and Northwestern are all prestigious private schools with superb academic reputations and long lists of successful alumni. Notre Dame, however, is the only one of the three with a historic and legendary, nationally-followed, Hollywood-adored football program. So will the school that beat a Top 10 team last weekend while not honking at home to a service academy, please take one step forward ... All right, Stanford ... Okay, Northwestern ... Wait, not so fast there, Irish.

Final score ... Twitter 1, Larry Johnson 0.

Did you see where San Antonio guard Manu Ginobili swatted a stray bat out of the air during the Spurs' Halloween home game? As the other players scattered, the little fellow flew around the court until Manu snagged him and carried him away. Of course, no good deed goes unpunished cause the Argentine star now has to get rabies shots to make sure he's okay. No truth to the rumor Ginobili also lives in a stately manor and drives an illegal but seriously cool, rocket-powered car while keeping a fictitious city safe from a cackling maniac in bad makeup using nothing more than a beltful of wonderful toys.

NFL Week 9 notes ... The Bengals look like they're maybe kinda sorta for real while Duh Bears most definitely do not. The Jints are in a serious swoon while the Titans are out of theirs courtesy of putting Kerry Collins back in mothballs in favor of Vince "I'll Try Not To Pout This Time" Young. Meanwhile, them Saints keep finding interesting ways to win and the Iggles keep finding interesting ways not to. The Dead$kins are truly awful and that oughta keep the deliciously sour quotes from perturbed ex-Skin John Riggins still coming. And finally, the Bucs ended their long winless streak after reverting to their old comical Bucco Bruce creamsicle unis. Nicely done, Bucs, and let me say this ... You looked *fabulous*.

See ya next time.